“That may be true, but that don’t help us put food on the table or clothes on our back. Now until you are actually a grown man supporting yourself, you gotta pull your own weight.”
“What for? So you can take everything I earn from me? What are you, some kind of commie?”
James came around the table with his fists up, but Mother jumped up between them. I jumped out of the bed and crossed the room, unsure of how I’d help Mother separate them. If they really went at it, we’d do best to stay out of the way.
“Now you two get a hold of yourselves,” Mother said. “This isn’t doing any of us a lick of good. You’re both right, and you’re both wrong. It’s as plain as that.”
James was still red in the face, and he paced along the side of the table shaking his head. He stopped and faced Mother, anguish spilling out of him. “I’m doing everything I can—everything!—to keep this family going. I work all day in the field and all night at the railroad, just so we can have enough to buy the food we need. Look at our shoes!” He pulled his foot up and showed Mother the bottom. It had a hole in it as big as a silver dollar, and Mother had covered it up with some scrap cardboard. “What are we gonna do when Ruby and Henry have to go back to school? How’re we gonna pay for supplies, or clothes, or shoes, not to mention the debt we’re still paying off? I can’t keep this up!”
He sat down in a chair and let out a long, heavy breath. Then he looked over at Henry. “You think this is what I want? What about Emma Rae and our dreams? Maybe we want our own life too!”
“I’m sorry,” Henry mumbled.
James dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his hair back and forth. Then he sat up and threw his arms out to the side. “I don’t know what to do. Okay? All I know is, we can’t keep going like this.” Then he pointed a finger a me. “And you. You gotta stop giving away our food. Hear me? I know you mean well, and I don’t question your heart, but God’ll just have to understand.”
Two blows in one day. No, make that three with Matthew gone. “I promise I’ll work more. I’ll eat less. I’ll quit school and get a job. I can’t turn my back on people who are suffering.”
“We! Are! Suffering!” James’ anger nearly filled the whole room.
“Hey, don’t yell at her,” Henry said.
James dropped his head again. Mother came over to me and put an arm around my shoulders. “Honey, I think what you’re doing is wonderful. I know God is pleased with you. We’ll do everything we can to help out others, but we can’t help anyone else if we’re starving ourselves. God will provide. And any food we can possibly muster, you can take to your friends.
I didn’t know what to say. My chest ached, and my eyes still hurt from crying earlier. So I nodded at them, and then I went out to the porch and made my pallet for the night. I could still hear the low tones of my brothers’ deep voices, but I couldn’t understand their words. At least they weren’t fighting anymore.
I lay there for a while pondering the day’s turn of events in my heart, wondering what God was doing. Had I been wrong about what he wanted me to do? I was sure I’d been doing the right thing, and if that was the case, I had to find a way to continue doing his will. Hannah and Samuel were depending on me, and if they had to go back to stealing, there was no telling what all kind of trouble they might get into.
Lord, please show me what I’m supposed to do. I’m so lost. If it’s your will, please make a way for me to keep helping Hannah and Samuel. I know your Word says to help the fatherless and widows, but that’s also me and my family. Do I help myself first? Please bring peace to my brothers, especially James. Help him to have faith in you, and not in the works of his own hands. Show him your strength and power. Show all of us! Please be with Matthew as he begins his new life. I pray you’ll make all his dreams come true. And Lord, I pray you’ll show me the path to understanding my gift. If you truly mean for me to heal others, please show me the way. I am too helpless to be of service to anyone. Give me the faith to move mountains, the faith that eludes me when I need it most.
I lay quietly for another minute. My brothers had stopped talking. I wanted to end my prayer and go on to sleep, but my spirit felt restless. I turned over to my side and closed my eyes. The uneasiness continued. And then almost as if someone spoke to me out of the darkness, I thought, Pray for him.
I rolled onto my back and sighed. “Okay,” I said quietly. “You win.”
Lord, I pray you’ll be with Brother Cass. Help him to have peace in his heart. Help him to see me as you see me, and help him to forgive Asa for whatever wrongs are in their past. Help me to treat him with compassion, even when it’s most difficult.
I paused and thought for a minute before I finished out loud. “But if you want to just zap him, I’m okay with that too.”
When I woke up the next morning, I could tell right away I’d overslept. The sun was already well over the horizon, nearly blinding me as I sat up. It didn’t look like Henry had ever come to bed. I folded my blankets and set them behind the front door like always. Then I looked to the back of the house where Mother usually worked on breakfast. She wasn’t there. How had I slept through breakfast?
I walked over to the stove. It was cold. Something wasn’t right.
I went out the back door to see if Mother was already in the garden. She was there all right, already on her knees tending the plants. I called to her, but she didn’t turn around. She wiped at her face with her sleeve and stood, but she kept her back to me. I was afraid to ask what was wrong.
“Mother?” I said when I reached her. I came around her where I could see her face. It was streaked with muddy tears. “What’s going on?”
She swiped a dirty sleeve at her face again, shaking her head as if she couldn’t talk. She reached into the large front pocket of her apron and pulled out a folded piece of paper. She pushed it into my hand and said, “This is for you.”
Dread sank into my heart. I didn’t want it. Something inside me already knew what it was about, and I couldn’t take any more loss right then. I turned away so I couldn’t see Mother’s face, and I headed back toward the house. When I got inside, I sat down at the table and unfolded the letter.
Hey Rubes,
I ain’t much for letter writing, and this is the hardest one I’ve ever done. So I’m going to keep this kind of short. Remember that day in Calhoun’s field when we were eating that watermelon? You asked me if I thought it was possible to change things, and I said it was, but you’d have to give up everything. Well, I been thinking about that a lot. And I just don’t think I can keep going on like this anymore. I ain’t doing the family a bit a good, and I sure don’t want to be a burden. I thought long and hard about it last night, and I decided the best way I could help the family is to go my own way. I’m not sure where I’m headed yet, but I promise I’ll write to you when I get there.
I’ll miss you more than I can say. I’m sorry I’m such a rotten brother. James can take care of you in ways I can’t. But that don’t mean you have to let him push you around. If you think you ought to be helping that family of yours, then I say do what God tells you to. I know you’ll do the right thing. You are one stubborn girl, and when you set your mind on something, ain’t nothing can stop you. You’re a beautiful young lady. And I love you. Keep me in your prayers.
Love,
Henry
I pushed the tears off my face as I finished. Mother came through the door a minute later and sat down beside me. She rubbed my back, and I put my head down on my arms.
“Where did he go?” I asked into the table beneath me.
“I’m not sure. He was gone when I woke up this morning. He left me a note too.”
Then I thought of something and sat up. “Well maybe we can go find him and talk to him. Tell him to come home. James won’t be mad for long.”
“I got the feeling he wasn’t planning on sticking around here. He mentioned taking the train north.”
“So he’s just gone?” I shrieked. “How co
uld he leave us like that?”
She shook her head and shrugged. “I think he honestly believed he was doing what’s best for us.”
“That’s a load of horse manure!” I jumped up and started pacing. “He’s running cause he can’t handle tough times and hard work!” I stopped and threw my arms out. “What did James do?”
“He muttered something about perfect timing and went out to the fields. I think the cotton is about ready. I guess we’ll all have to pitch in.”
“Except for Henry.”
I went out the front door and tore up his letter, scattering it to the wind. How come both Matthew and Henry got to run off after their dreams? Was this God’s idea of answering my prayer from last night? If so, I wasn’t very impressed.
I looked up to the sky and shouted, “You know this wasn’t what I meant!”
As if to answer me, a low rumble came across the sky from some dark clouds gathering a few miles away. I figured the only good thing to come out of Henry running off like a coward was that now there’d be enough food to slip away some for Hannah and Samuel. It wasn’t much of a silver lining, but it would have to do.
Chapter Seventeen
When school started back, I couldn’t bring myself to get too excited. Nothing was the same anymore. Mother was quiet most days, and I saw her wiping away tears often when she was on her knees in the garden. James stayed gone much of the time, only showing up when it was time to eat. He’d rush through the meal, barely saying a word except to thank Mother. He didn’t even bring Emma Rae around much anymore. He did remember to ask about my first day of school, but when I shrugged and said it was fine, he seemed satisfied. Henry leaving seemed to have sucked what little joy we’d still had right out of us.
I continued to visit Hannah and Samuel, usually managing to scrape together one or two jars of food. I was worried it wouldn’t be enough for them, but Hannah said they’d be picking cotton soon, and that would give them enough money to get them through for a few months. That lifted my burden a smidgen, but doubt was becoming my constant companion. Seemed like the harder I worked to do God’s will, the harder he made it to keep going.
I studied my Scriptures every evening before I went to bed, wondering if Mother and James were right about God understanding if I needed to shore up food for my own family before helping others. I kept finding words that seemed to stand against each other. There was this verse from the book of James.
“If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; nothwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?”
That one seemed to be saying I should step in and help people in need. But then there was this other one from First Timothy that said:
“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”
I was so turned around, I didn’t know what to do. Could I have mistaken God’s call to me all along? I prayed on it for days, and the only thing that made sense when I looked back over everything that happened, was that God had put me in Hannah’s and Samuel’s lives to help them. I had to find a way to continue. So even though Henry was gone, I cut back on what I was eating at the house, and tried to find little things around the fields to help fill my empty stomach. I’d find some wild berries, blackberries if I was lucky, or a watermelon I could crack open. It didn’t really fill me up, but every time I was tempted to eat more, I thought about Hannah and the baby growing inside her. I knew no one else in the wide world was thinking about them, so I had to do all I could and trust the Lord would take care of the impossible.
The Sunday before we were to start picking the cotton, there was a visitor at the shack in the woods when I arrived. Hannah opened the door to me, and as soon as I stepped inside, a middle-aged man stood from his seat at the table. His skin was much darker than Hannah’s, and his short, black hair was turning gray near his ears. His jacket was a little worn in the elbows, but otherwise his appearance was rather businesslike. He gave a big smile and shook my hand.
“You must be Miss Graves,” he said. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Hannah. Nice to finally meet you.”
Hannah gestured toward him. “This is Pastor Shaw from Colony. He preaches at the church I grew up in.”
I watched Hannah closely, trying to figure out her comfort level. She seemed relaxed, and she smiled when she spoke. I figured I could relax a little too. I put my two jars of vegetables on the stack in the corner we had going. It was getting nearly as tall as me, although it’s growth had slowed in the last couple of weeks.
I joined the pastor at the table, and Hannah brought me a cool glass of water. I set the book I’d brought on the table, and he leaned over and looked at it with raised eyebrows.
“Jungle Book?” he said.
“It’s for Samuel,” I answered. “I’ve been reading it to him every week. I hope to teach him to read soon.”
He glanced over at Hannah, who turned away and went back to the pail of water. Then he sighed and looked back at me. “Miss Graves, I commend you for your desire to help here, but I’m afraid you may doing more harm than good.”
“What do you mean? How can helping a family stay alive be harmful?”
“You’re still very young. I don’t think you understand the world we’re living in.”
My blood started to heat up; my tongue too. “I’m perfectly aware of the world I live in. Though I don’t pretend to understand it. How people can look on one another with such hateful judgment, and then sit their rear ends in church on Sunday, is beyond my understanding.”
“I’m only thinking of your safety, child. And of Hannah’s and Samuel’s. You anger the wrong people, and you’ll bring down trouble on all your heads.” He looked over at Hannah again. “You know I’m right.”
“Oh, I know you’s right. Believe me, I been trying to tell her to let us be since the day we met. This white girl just about the most stubborn thing I ever saw. I done told her she’s asking for trouble. She don’t pay me no mind. Just come on up in here like all’s well in the world.”
She was sending me down the river, but I had to smile. For all her talk about getting rid of me, I could see she was fond of me. Maybe that’s why she’d started back in on me to stop coming down to see them. For a time, she’d seemed all right with it, even glad to see me. But the last couple of visits, she’d had fear behind her eyes, and she’d talked of the hatred in man’s heart.
“Brother Shaw, I don’t see why anyone would care what I do with my Sundays. Who am I? I’m just a grain of sand blowing around in the wind. I go where God sends me, cause he’s in the wind.”
Hannah shook her head, but Brother Shaw looked at me thoughtfully. He seemed like a kind man so far, but I couldn’t help myself from wondering again about who’d hurt Hannah. He didn’t strike me as violent, but all the same, it seemed to me if he knew they were out here, he should’ve been doing more to help them all along.
“Miss Graves,” he said, “I respect what you’re doing for Hannah and Samuel. Believe me, I do. And I’m not one to recommend that anyone go against what they believe God’s calling them to.” He stood up and put his hat on, walking to the door as he finished. “But if I were you, I’d be right sure about this calling.”
He said goodbye to Hannah, and when he was outside I heard him call to Samuel to say goodbye to him as well. I sat at the table and fumed over his warning. Maybe he was concerned about Hannah and Samuel, but how could he not see their needs staring him right in the face? He was doing the very thing my Bible verse warned against. What good was it to tell a starving family to be careful about their safety? I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to meet a preacher that seemed to practice God’s Word.
I only thought I’d worked hard in the fields up until the weeks we spent picking cotton. I wouldn’t wish that job on anyone. A lot of kids I knew at schoo
l seemed happy to be out for a couple of weeks, but not me. I’d have gladly kept on with my studies, ignorant of the evils of thorns, a sore back and bruised knees. I tasted dirt in my mouth all the time, even after I’d eaten, and when I lay down on my pallet on the porch, I’d get through about two sentences of my prayer before I was out cold. Mother, James, and I barely spoke, whether from exhaustion or from sorrow, I couldn’t say.
I missed Henry, especially his laughter. I missed Matthew and Mary. I’d been so tired, I had missed my trip down to Hannah’s the previous Sunday, and I even missed Samuel. I’d never felt so utterly used up. So on Friday at supper, after the major part of the picking was done, I asked James if he could take me into town. I was sure that if I served in the soup kitchen, I’d find something to fill the hole inside of me, even if I barely had the energy to walk.
He didn’t even look up at me from his plate. “Sorry, Ruby. Taking the cotton to the gin tomorrow. I ain’t heading into Cullman.”
My heart sank. I wondered if I went with him to Hanceville, if I could find someone to give me a lift into Cullman. Trouble was, just about everyone we knew would be lined up at the gin. There had to be another way. I’d have to figure that out somehow, and I was sure something would come to me when I needed it.
“You mind if I ride into Hanceville with you?” I asked quietly. “I think I’d like to see a few friends if I can.”
He grunted and nodded, never looking up from his food. I spent the rest of supper trying to work out in my mind a way to get from Hanceville into Cullman, but nothing came to me. I tried to think about a solution while I lay on the porch, but I was asleep before I could think of anything. By the time I’d actually reached town the next morning, I’d come to the conclusion that my only option was somehow getting a ticket for the train. But I didn’t have a dime to spend.
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