Healing Ruby: A Novel

by Jennifer H. Westall

  I was reminded once again of how fulfilling it was to care for someone who needed me and thought maybe Matthew had been right about my being a nurse someday. Maybe I could be a nurse in Africa, or join some missionary group serving in China. The possibilities seemed endless.

  I wrote to Mother soon after I arrived to let her know I was all right. I kept it short and didn’t mention what I’d learned about her past. I still needed to understand it all better before I could talk to her about it. She wrote back a couple of weeks later wondering when I was coming home. I didn’t want to make her sad, but I wasn’t eager to go back. By the middle of November, I was settled into my routine quite nicely, and it seemed like life could go on this way forever.

  But as I learned throughout my life, God never brings us to the mountaintop to stay. It’s always to teach us, to show us some part of himself or his plan, or to re-energize us for the fight to come. And as soon as he knows we’re ready, he returns us to the battle.

  Right before Thanksgiving, Grandma took a turn for the worse, and she went into a coma. Asa and I took turns sitting with her while other family members came through to visit as well. It didn’t take long for the end to come. That last night, it was like Asa and I both knew. We stayed in Grandma’s room praying over her, talking to her, holding her hand. I’d expected to be sad, but there was some kind of otherworldly peace about her room that night.

  At one point, Asa smiled at me and said, “Your time is coming soon, Ruby. You’re ready for this. God’s going to speak to you and show you his power.”

  The hair on my arms stood up. “How do you know I’m ready?”

  “It’s hard to put into words. Don’t you feel it? You’re a completely different girl than the one I met in the clearing last spring. You have this…glow.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I thought I was doing everything like I was supposed to, but in the end all I did was fail. I’m not strong enough. I don’t have the kind of faith it takes to do what you and Aunt Sarah could do.”

  He shook his head. “Ruby, this is the part you have to understand. You ain’t meant to be strong enough. Be weak. Be humble. Know that it’s God’s strength that will endure, not yours. Just follow him, no matter what. Listen. Be still and listen.”

  I sat in a chair next to Grandma, holding her hand as her chest rose more and more slowly. I didn’t understand healing. I didn’t understand God’s will. How could he use someone like me? Someone so powerless, so prone to doubt and fear? I knew I couldn’t do it.

  Grandma’s chest rose one last time, and as she exhaled, I could feel that presence again, the one that had been with me in Matthew’s bedroom. It filled me up again, washed over me with peace. And again I was left with my heart full of joy. After only a few moments of that fullness, the presence was gone, and I knew Grandma’s spirit was gone too. I walked over to Asa as he wiped his damp cheeks, and I hugged his waist for a long time. He was right about so many things. Could he be right about me too?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  One evening during the week after Thanksgiving, Asa and I were letting our supper settle by the fireplace. We’d taken to reading the Bible out loud in turns, and that night we continued the story of Moses in Exodus. We were at the part where God came to Moses in the burning bush to tell him to go back to Egypt and tell Pharaoh to set the Israelites free. I was listening to Asa’s deep, rhythmic voice more for the comfort than the actual words. I knew that story so well I could practically recite it. I might have even closed my eyes for a second. But then Asa stopped reading all of a sudden.

  “Ruby, I think it’s time for you to go home.”

  My eyes jerked open, and I sat up a little straighter. “I’m listening, I promise.”

  When I looked over at Asa, he was sitting forward in his chair, drilling his eyes into me. The Bible he’d been reading was on the table beside him, and he pointed to it. “God told Moses to go back to Egypt. He’s telling you to go back home too. He has work for you to do. And he’s gonna do wonders through you that you’d never dream of.”

  “I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.”

  “Have you been listening to this story at all?”

  I shrugged and tried to smile at him. “I know this story. God tells Moses to go back and confront Pharaoh.”

  “And what does Moses do?”

  “He does it. Pharaoh says no, and God sends all the plagues on Egypt.”

  “You ain’t even listening!” He slammed his hands onto his chair and pushed himself up. “You’re just like Moses, you know it?”

  I tried not to laugh, cause I could see he was taking this pretty serious. “I’m definitely no Moses. It’s not like God’s calling me to go out and set a whole group of people free from slavery.” But even as I said that, I felt a nudge in my heart. Like I knew as those words came out, I was arguing more with God than I was with Asa.

  “Ruby, listen to these words again. And this time listen with your heart.”

  He started reading from the fourth chapter again:

  “And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The Lord hath not appeared unto thee. And the Lord said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod. And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it. And the Lord said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand: That they may believe that the Lord God of their fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath appeared unto thee.”

  Asa looked up at me from his Bible. “So tell me again, what did Moses do when God told him to go back to Egypt?”

  “He was afraid the people wouldn’t believe that God had sent him.”

  “Exactly. And we can keep reading the long list of excuses Moses comes up with to tell God why he can’t do what God’s telling him to do. He says he can’t speak well, and that no one will listen to him. He even begs God to send someone else. Sound familiar?”

  I couldn’t answer, cause I knew he was speaking truth at me, even if I hated hearing it. But that didn’t stop him. He kept right on going.

  “The Bible’s full of God calling ordinary people to do something extraordinary, and most of them struggled with doubt and even sin. Look at Abraham and Sarah, or David, or Peter, or Paul. Look at Gideon or even Mary. And I understand. It feels terrifying to think God is calling you to do something you know in your heart you can’t do. But what did he say to Moses? Think about it. What did he ask Moses?”

  My mouth was still shut by my shame. I could only shrug.

  “He asked Moses, ‘What is in your hand?’” He stared at me like he was waiting for me to get it. “What is in your hand?” He shook his head and sighed loudly at me. “Do you think God didn’t know what was in his hand? Of course he knew he had a staff in his hand. He was a shepherd. And that was all he had. He had a staff. And what did God show him? He told him to throw that staff on the ground, and when he did God turned it into a snake. Don’t you see? God was showing Moses that he could take any ordinary thing, or any ordinary person, and make it into whatever he wanted it to be. He can take what’s inside you, all the love you have, all the gentleness in your heart, and turn it into an extraordinary instrument for his love and mercy, and even his healing. You don’t have to find the strength to do it. You don’t have to muster up enough faith to accomplish the task. He knows what’s in your hand. You just have to say yes and be willing to give him all that you have.”

  I dropped my head and closed my eyes, fighting tears. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to experience all those wondrous things Asa had spoken of. I wanted to feel God’s presence in my life, feel his power working through me, show his love and mercy to as many people as I could reach. If Asa was right, and all I had to do was say yes, then I’d shout it from the mountains.

  I looked
up at Asa standing over me. “What do I do now?”

  “What do you have in your hands?”

  I looked down at my empty hands, tempted to say that I had nothing. But I knew that wasn’t true.

  “I have love.”

  When I stepped off the train in Hanceville, my stomach went to fluttering. Mother said James was working at the station during the day now, and he’d bring me home. I wasn’t sure I was ready to face him yet, but it was time. He came over to me kind of like he wasn’t sure what to do. So I did the only thing I could think of. I hugged him.

  To my surprise, he hugged me back. “We sure missed you around here,” he said.

  I wasn’t quite sure I believed that. “I missed you too.”

  He grabbed my bag and carried it to one of Calhoun’s trucks. As soon as we were settled and on our way, I apologized for being so difficult.

  “Nah, I’m the one who should be sorry,” he said. “I should’ve never hit you like I did, no matter how mad I was. Can you forgive me?”

  “Of course. I know you were doing all you could to take care of us. Daddy would’ve been proud of you.” I wanted to tell him his mother would’ve been proud of him too. “So how are things around the farm?”

  “Better than I expected. We should have enough food to get us through the winter. I’m pulling as many shifts at the station as they’ll give me. Cutting lumber whenever I get the chance. Me and Emma Rae are getting married in May. She says she don’t care what her daddy says.”

  We talked the rest of the way to the house, just like we were the same as we’d always been. But I knew we weren’t. We both wanted it to be the same, but things had changed between us, in ways he didn’t even know about. I wondered how in the world I was supposed to know what I knew about him and keep it to myself. I was never good at secrets.

  When I got out of the car, Mother came out to hug me. I was happier to see her than I’d thought I’d be. I hadn’t missed the tiny shack we were calling home, but I had missed her. After getting my suitcase inside, we all sat around the table for supper and talked over all that had happened while I was away. Mother looked thin, more so than when I’d left, and the gray streaks in her dark hair had spread all over. She looked like she’d aged twenty years.

  “Mother, I’m sorry I caused you so much worry.”

  “Oh, nonsense!” she said. “Things worked out all right, and you’re all recovered now. It’s nice to have you home before Christmas.”

  I had to admit, I hadn’t wanted to come home for Christmas. I was having a hard time imagining the three of us making any kind of merriment out of the day, when no doubt we’d all be thinking of Daddy and Henry, and our memories of our old home. I couldn’t picture any kind of joy in this house. But I was determined to try.

  James left for his second shift at the station just as it was getting dark out. I helped Mother with dishes, and then we got a fire going in the fireplace. She gazed at me from her chair like she wasn’t sure what to make of me.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Something’s different.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You. You’re different. You’ve grown.”

  I laughed and dismissed the thought with a wave. “I don’t think I’ve grown an inch in the last two years.”

  “I mean on the inside. You’ve grown up. You’re not a little girl anymore.”

  I looked down at my hands in my lap. “Mother, I have to tell you something.”

  “He told you, didn’t he?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She was quiet for some time before she let out a sigh. “I guess you had to find out sooner or later. I suppose James will also.”

  “Mother?” She lifted her eyes to mine. “Asa still loves you.” Her cheeks warmed, but she didn’t say anything. “Can’t you forgive him?”

  “I forgave him long ago.”

  “Then why did you send him away? Why did you tell me to stay away from him?”

  “Because no matter how good his intentions are, he always seems to bring trouble on himself and others around him. I didn’t want you getting caught up in anything.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “I think I managed that all on my own anyway.”

  “What are you going to do now?” she asked. “Are you going back to school?”

  “Maybe. I have to take care of some things first. I have to get back to doing God’s will for my life, even if that isn’t what everyone else wants me to do.”

  She scooted to the edge of the bed. “Oh honey, you’re not thinking of going back down into those woods are you?”

  “Don’t worry, Mother. God has shown me his desire for me, and as long as I’m his, you have nothing to fear.” I was surprised at how confidently those words came out of my mouth, cause as much as I wanted to believe all the things Asa had said to me, I was still riddled with fear. My heart was willing, but my body kept reminding me of the price I’d already paid. What if God required even more?

  I didn’t head off into the woods right away. I knew that would put me right back where I was when I’d left nearly three months earlier. And I was certain I would know when the time was right to find Hannah and Samuel. Instead, I spent the next two weeks mostly reading my Bible and praying for wisdom. God kept drawing me to the twenty-fifth chapter of Matthew where Jesus tells about God separating everyone into sheep and goats. That always made me think of Cass, and I’d laugh, but then I’d remember my calling and ask for forgiveness.

  On the Sunday before Christmas, I used a tiny bit of the money Grandma Graves had left me to take the train into Cullman. I walked the couple of blocks over to the Church of God, getting there late enough to avoid running into any deacons I preferred to avoid. I climbed the front steps, and found a seat near the back. The congregation was singing, so I picked up a hymnal and joined in.

  Brother Cass stood at the front, singing the words from memory as he scanned the crowd and smiled at everyone. I made sure to stay behind the people in front of me. I didn’t need any subtle messages thrown at me during the sermon. And I tried to control my eyes, but I couldn’t help taking a glance across the church toward the front. Sure enough, Matthew was standing beside Mary right behind their parents. And then the punch to my gut: he wasn’t alone. On the other side of him stood Vanessa, the daughter of the Doyles’ friends from Montgomery that I’d met just after Matthew’s recovery.

  I looked down at my hymnal, and the words blurred on the page. I had to force those feelings away somehow and focus on the reason I’d come. But that proved harder than I’d imagined. I kept looking over at Matthew, wondering if they were dating. Then I’d scold myself for such stupidity. Of course they were dating. And I should be fine with it. If I truly loved him, I’d want him to be happy. And I was sure that deep down somewhere inside me, I did want him to be happy. I just hadn’t found that part of me yet.

  I managed to go unnoticed through the sermon, which actually wasn’t so bad. No condemnation or warnings about sinful choices. It was just a simple story of a miracle, of God becoming a tiny baby. And in it I saw a different side of Cass, a gentler side I wasn’t sure was real. It made me sad in a way, as I thought about him losing his niece. I thought about all that Asa had told me about Grace, of how Cass had taken her in when she was orphaned at the age of fourteen. I tried to picture him as a loving uncle, and to understand how losing her could drive him to exposing the truth about Asa. I needed that understanding if I was going to be able to do what God wanted from me.

  After the sermon was over, and the last hymn was sung, I waited in the back pew for everyone to file out. I kept my head down, especially as the Doyles made their way past. Only a few stragglers remained when Brother Cass came back inside, and he spoke to each of them. I was the last person in the church when he finally saw me.

  He walked toward me a few steps. Then he stopped, and his face hardened. I supposed that was when he really saw me. I waited to see if he’d come the rest of the way, and h
e did. He made his way to the back pew, sitting a few feet from me with his hands laced together in his lap. My moment had come, and I swallowed a knot in my throat trying to make room for my words. I prayed for help, and then I spoke.

  “I know you didn’t tell Chester to do what he did. All the same, you bear responsibility in it, and I hope you’ve asked God for forgiveness. Your sin was against him, and him only. I prayed over all of it—my anger, my fear—but I prayed over you too. And I forgive you.”

  I couldn’t look at him while I was talking, but I could see his knuckles were going white from him squeezing them so tight. He sat there rubbing those hands together, not saying a word for a while. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, maybe some acknowledgment of what he’d done. But silence? That threw me a little.

  “I know about Grace too. Asa told me what happened. I’ve tried to understand. I know why you hate him so much, but I need you to understand something. I am not my uncle. And I am not your enemy.”

  I finally took a glance at his face. It was like looking at solid stone. “Miss Ruby, the enemies of truth are my enemies. The enemies of God’s work unto salvation are my enemies. And those who would be a stumbling block to the faith of others, especially those in my own congregation, are my enemies. You may not believe that you are any of those things, but believing that you possess some supernatural power can prove harmful if others believe the same. It is my duty to protect the sheep from the wolves that would deceive them.”

  “Brother Cass, I’m no wolf. I don’t want to cause anyone a bit of harm.”

  He went back to squeezing his knuckles. “That may not be your intent, young lady, but that won’t matter if it happens anyway. All it takes is for one poor soul to believe you can do something you can’t. For some well-intentioned follower to seek out false healing, rather than a doctor’s hands.”