Be My Baby

by ANDREA SMITH

  I forced myself to throw my legs over the side of the bed. I really needed to use the bathroom. My nightgown was soaked. I must've peed the bed. I definitely had a fever going. That is when I looked down and saw the blood all over the sheets from where I had been lying.

  I heard myself scream for Jean - over and over again. I heard the bedroom door open. Everything after that went black.

  CHAPTER 3

  When I awoke the first thing I saw was Trey sitting in a chair beside my bed. He still had his work clothes on. The sleeves on his white shirt were rolled up to his elbows. He had loosened his tie. His sexy five o'clock shadow had gone a bit beyond that.

  "Trey?"

  He jumped up from his chair and came to stand beside me.

  "Tylar," he breathed, his eyes reflected his pain.

  "Wait - wait," I said, "Let me guess. I'm in the hospital aren’t I?" I followed this with a sarcastic laugh that even I didn't recognize.

  I saw Trey's expression go straight to 'concerned.'

  "I mean I couldn't possibly be anywhere else, could I? It's all just so . . . fucking Tylar, isn't it?"

  "Honey," he said, quietly, taking my hand into his, "I need to tell you what happened."

  "No Trey. No - you don't get to tell me what happened. I already know what happened."

  I was on a roll not quite sure where all of this was coming from. I was angry. I was angry at Trey.

  Trey hit the button illuminating the light for a nurse to come in. I was freaking him out apparently. His eyes now had a hint of fear in them.

  "You just had to have sex last night, didn't you? It was all about you wasn't it? Just like always. Then you fucking left me this morning burning up with a fever and bleeding in our bed at home."

  "Tylar honey - please?"

  "Please what, Trey?"

  "It was two nights ago. You've been in the hospital one night already. You lost a lot of blood. You needed a transfusion. It was a very freak and rare infection honey. You're going to be fine, though. You will get out of here in a day or two."

  "And the baby?"

  I hadn't had the nerve to look down at my stomach yet. I already knew though. I knew as soon as I had awakened.

  Trey's eyes were filled with tears now. Were they tears of guilt or tears of loss?

  "We lost her, sweetie. I'm so sorry. We lost our baby girl."

  He laid his head down on my now flat stomach. His tears flowed freely; he sobbed and cried. I placed my hand on his dark, thick hair and ran my fingers through it absently. I was trying to make sense out of all of this.

  _____________________________________________________

  The following days went by in a blessed blur. My doctor explained the details of what had happened to Trey and I; though I didn’t listen to any of it. The nurses told me what I could and couldn't do once released from the hospital.

  At home, Jean was crying and wringing her hands. She watched me as if I was a fine piece of porcelain china that had been set too close to the edge of the mantle; the slightest jar or movement could send me crashing into hundreds of pieces. Preston was told to 'let Mommy rest.' She didn’t understand any of this. She was herded out of my room every time she tried to sneak in.

  Gina was at my bedside, inconsolable as she cried and held me. My father did the encore feature of the same after Gina had left. Trey was hounding me about names, caskets and burial arrangements.

  (Everyone - please! Leave me the fuck alone!)

  It was the second day after I had been released from the hospital. It was the day of the graveside service for the baby. Trey had insisted we name her. I named her Marley Renaud Sinclair after my mother. Trey had made the arrangements for everything else. He had purchased a burial plot in the 'baby' section of the cemetery in DeKalb County, along with picking out a casket and a grave marker. I had been ordered strict bed rest so I wasn't able to assist him with the arrangements.

  Susan and Clive had already flown in to Atlanta right after Gina and Tristan's baby was born. They had named him Reese Patrick Sinclair. I was sorry that my miscarriage had served to dampen the joy of properly welcoming Baby Reese into the family. I had said as much to Gina, Tristan and Susan. They had all gaped at me with expressions that ranged from 'puzzled' to 'disturbed.'

  Trey was in our room now helping me get dressed for the memorial service. I slipped into a plain black dress with a white collar. He zipped the back up for me, pulling my hair out of the way. I couldn't even recall when or where I had bought it. It looked almost Amish I thought to myself. Trey brought my black heels out from the closet and my light weight black coat.

  "Tylar - we are going to be at the cemetery a little early. If you want, you can have a couple of minutes with the baby in the chapel. I know that you didn't get a chance to see her after they delivered her and all. I mean, I got to hold her and everything but you were under anesthesia so if you want to say 'good-bye' to her maybe."

  "I don't think so, Trey. It wouldn't serve any practical purpose. I've come to terms with it. These things happen. Where's Preston?"

  He was staring at me as if he hadn't heard me and was still waiting for an answer.

  "Where's Preston?"

  "Oh - ah, I think your Dad has her. Do you want me to get her?"

  "Please."

  I went to the bathroom and touched up my hair and make-up. I looked very demure. I guess that was a look I could handle for today. I put the pearl drop earrings on that my father had given to my mother.

  A few minutes later my father came to our room with Preston. Susan had dressed her in a plaid wool skit, a pullover sweater and tights. She looked adorable.

  "Hey sweet girl," I said holding my arms out for her. She leaned over and reached for me. I pulled her against me breathing in her still-baby scent. My heart ached. I couldn't breathe. Something was stabbing me in the gut at the moment.

  I kissed her cheek and handed back over to my dad.

  "Tylar - are you up to this darling? Do you want to talk about your loss?"

  "Dad - why is everyone here so hell-bent on seeing me go to pieces?"

  "Darling - we all love you. This is a loss. We are here to help you through it. That's all."

  "I appreciate that Dad, but I look at this as being one of those unfortunate things that happens for a reason. I don't question my blessings so why should I question my losses?"

  "I suppose that is a very pragmatic way of looking at it," he commented. "Still, if you should need to talk about it, please know that I am here for you."

  "Thanks, Dad," I said, giving him a pat on his arm. He was still looking at me warily. I guess everyone in this house would just have to be satisfied knowing that I was dealing with this in my own way.

  The memorial service at the cemetery was just family, though Amber managed to crash it. We were gathered at the gravesite; Gina had contacted a priest at the church she attended and he agreed to read some scripture and bless the grave. Once gathered around the grave we heard a car pull up. I turned to see Amber getting out of it to join the family.

  "What's she doing here?" I hissed in a quiet voice to Trey.

  "She said she wanted to offer her condolence, that's all," Trey said, "I told her we were having a memorial service."

  "Couldn't she have just sent a card?" I replied, turning back around.

  Amber joined the family circled around the small, open grave. She was wearing a black pencil skirt, with a black bolero jacket and a black fedora hat. The wind offered a bit of a chill to the air; I rubbed my hands together for warmth as the priest starting reading from scripture. Trey had his arm around me; I heard the others sniffling behind me. I just wanted this to be over and to go back home again.

  When the service ended; we were all supposed to go back to the house for lunch. I stopped Trey as he left my side to thank Amber for coming.

  "Don't invite her to lunch Trey. I mean it."

  He didn't say a word as he went over and took her hand, thanking her for stopping by. She put
her arms around him telling him what a lovely service it had been.

  (Oh - please!)

  I went over to look at some of the flower arrangements that had been sent; I could keep the two of them in my peripheral vision while doing so. Trey moved on talking to Susan and Clive. I saw Amber approaching.

  "Tylar," she said with faux sincerity, "I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss."

  She placed her hand on my arm. I looked down at her hand, then back up into her dark brown eyes.

  "Thank you Amber. These things happen for a reason I've been told."

  "Yes," she said, her eyes more alert now, searching mine for understanding. "That is exactly right. I know that it sounds so cliché, Tylar. But you're the one who said it. You must realize that in the long run, it will make the break easier."

  "The break?"

  "Yes. The break between you and Trey. He's on the fast track, Tylar. That is exactly where I want to be. You see, I intend to have him."

  She turned and walked with confidence back down the small hill to where her car was parked. She didn't look back.

  Gina approached me carrying Reese who was all bundled up in a blanket.

  "What did she say to you?"

  "Nothing important. Let me see Reese, Gina."

  _______________________________________________________

  Back at the house I managed to get through lunch with the family. Preston was enamored with tiny Baby Reese. She watched intrigued as Gina nursed him, changed him and cuddled him. Gina let Preston see his tiny little face.

  "That's your cousin," Gina explained to her. She giggled and ran over to me.

  "Baabby," she said, smiling.

  She looked at my now flat stomach. I saw her little mind trying to piece together what had happened. She pointed over to where Gina was holding Reese.

  "Mommie's baabby?"

  "No honey. Reese is not Mommy's baby; Reese is Aunt Gina and Uncle Tristan's baby. Remember when Aunt Gina's tummy was big?"

  "Unh huh," she said, nodding her head up and down.

  "Well now Baby Reese is out of Aunt Gina's tummy and she is holding him."

  Everyone had seemed to stop what they were doing to watch my interaction with Preston on the subject of the baby. She had not gone to the cemetery with us; she had stayed behind with Jean.

  I saw Preston frowning trying to figure this all out.

  "Where Mommie baabby?" she asked, now pointing to my stomach.

  (What do I tell her?)

  Trey was at my side in a moment.

  "Hey Preston," he said, scooping her up into his strong arms. "Let's go get some crackers from Jean."

  "Cacker?" She had already moved on to something else. I was sure that the subject would come up again.

  After everyone had finally left I breathed a sigh of relief. The tightness in my chest was somewhat relieved. I was finally spared their constant perusal. I had felt like I had spent the day under a microscope. My father had kissed me good-bye. He was flying back to Baton Rouge this evening. He said he would call me later in the week.

  I took my heels off and headed up the stairs to our suite. Susan and Clive were heading back to Bristol in a couple of weeks. I had overheard Susan saying something to Trey about having Preston spend some time with them in the fall for a couple of weeks. She mentioned that perhaps he and I could use some alone time. He had told her that he would discuss it with me and let her know. He said he thought I probably would not want to be apart from Preston for awhile.

  I actually thought it would be nice for Preston to spend some time with her grandparents. It wasn't that often that she got to see them. Once she started school, it would be even more difficult to plan visits there.

  I went to the bathroom and started the shower. I wasn't supposed to take baths for several weeks; showers only. I got clean pajamas and underwear ready for afterwards. Freshly showered and dressed, I climbed into our bed. I fell asleep right away. I was glad that this day was behind me forever.

  I woke up when Trey came to bed. I could tell it was much later because I had gotten just enough sleep to take the edge off. He pulled me over close to him, wrapping an arm around me. He fell asleep quickly. I lay there now wide awake unable to fall back to sleep. I smelled a hint of whiskey on his breath. Jack Daniels.

  CHAPTER 4

  The weeks seemed to fly by in the fall. Before I knew it, it was September. I was on my way back to the house from the horse barn. I had driven in to town to do some clothes shopping for Preston before she returned home. I hadn't had much luck there; I figured I would probably have to hit a mall in Atlanta.

  I stopped for a manicure while I was there. I hadn't done that in so long. As I left the shop I was trying my best not to scratch my freshly painted nails at least for the rest of the day. I was shaking my purse in order to force my keys to surface without my having to dig down for them. It worked! The problem was when I tilted my purse and shook it I had the misfortune of doing so as I stood on the slotted grill covering a storm drain. My keys fell nicely between the slats into the sewer.

  (Sweet. Just my fucking luck!)

  Marcus had spotted me as he was leaving the feed store and had given me a lift back to the house. He offered to take me back to my car once I retrieved my other key at home but I realized it was on Trey's keychain so I would have to wait for him to get home.

  It had been a busy week. The two scheduled breedings that we had conducted had gone well. It was an extremely lucrative fee we had collected. I needed to thank my dad for the gift horse - literally. The house was a bit lonely with Preston spending a couple of weeks with Clive and Susan. I had hoped that Trey would have lightened his schedule at the office so that we could spend some alone time together but he said the caseload was killer right now. He had a major Title VII class action suit ready for trial; apparently Amber was second chair on it. That didn't make me particularly happy. I refused to allow her threat turn me into an insecure, jealous whiney-ass wife. That wasn't how I rolled.

  Gina had been right when she said the world was full of skanks just waiting to close in on another woman's man. The September breeze felt good as my hair blew free. I loved the fall. It was my favorite season. The sun was shining but the air had a cool, crispness to it that left a promise of low humidity coming for at least the next few months.

  I twirled around letting the sun hit my face and the wind take my hair. It felt delicious. I was back into my skinny jeans much sooner than I had expected to be. Everything seemed almost normal. I had refused to grieve the way that Trey had wanted me to; the way that my father had; the way that Gina, Tristan and Susan had. The tiptoeing around me as if I was a china doll that would break into a million pieces had grated on my nerves.

  The hardest part of all of it was trying to explain to Preston as to where 'Mommy's baby' had gone. Trey had told her that her baby sister was in heaven with her grandma. Preston had no conception of that at fifteen months of age. He explained to her that 'Baby Marley' was an angel now up in heaven with 'Grandma Marley.'

  I thought back to the small graveside service of a few weeks back. I recalled that tiny little casket that had held my stillborn child; the child that I had never seen. Why hadn't I noticed that I hadn't felt her kick since that morning that Gina was in labor? Maybe it was my fault. Maybe if I had paid more attention to the lack of movement something could have been done. The doctor had said there was no way I could have known.

  Infections such as the one I had were rare; there were other complications. It was a fluke. One in a million.

  My father had been out of sorts with the situation. He had tried to console me but consolation wasn't what I needed. I had never known this child. Marley Renaud Sinclair. It was on the granite tombstone that Trey had picked out. It read 'the beloved daughter' of Tylar and Trey Sinclair. Rest in peace our little angel.'

  I hadn’t talked to Gina since the memorial service. I knew that Gina couldn’t fathom my impassiveness. I didn't see things that way.
She hadn't been born yet. There wasn't the same connection that I had with Preston. It was what it was.

  As I neared the circular drive in front of our house I could see Trey's Mercedes and another car parked behind it. Shit! It was Amber's sporty little BMW parked right behind Trey's car. What the hell was she doing here?

  It seemed like they were spending a lot of time on this most recent case. Trey was very impassioned by it. He said this case was a 'prima facie' case against a major global company that had a long history of conspiracy and collusion.

  Apparently this particular case involved infractions against older, female employees. It was another MDML situation. He had won the previous case he had worked on under MDML. That had produced another nice chunk of change for us.

  I was in no mood to deal with Amber. I hoped that Trey hadn't invited her to dinner or anything. I looked at the watch Trey had bought for me for Christmas. It was only 3:30 in the afternoon. I was surprised he was home already unless they were working here. They had done that occasionally while I had been recuperating from the stillbirth delivery much to my chagrin.

  Something seemed different this time. My car obviously wasn't parked in the drive. Jean was visiting her daughter since Preston was gone. Something, perhaps instinct told me to assess the situation before going inside. I retracted my steps and went around to the back of the house. I peeped through the window of the kitchen. It was clear, no one was in site. I went around to the other side in the back where the family room was located. As I crept closer to the window I could hear conversation. It was Trey's voice.

  "What will you have Amber? We have wine, or I could make you a mixed drink?"

  "Wine would be fine Trey, thanks."

  "You've got it counselor but only one. We have quite a bit of work tonight going through these depositions and I need you at 100%."

  "I'm always at 100% Trey. Haven't you figured that out yet?"