Be My Baby

by ANDREA SMITH

  (Wow - my dad thought I was going nuts. . .)

  "I think you're right, Dad. I stopped taking my anti-depressants when I was pregnant. I didn't even think about asking my doctor about going back on them after my mis-- after I lost Marley."

  "I will be happy to help you locate a doctor in the area if you wish."

  "Thanks Dad. I would appreciate that very much.

  "That's what a father does," he replied smiling.

  "I need to talk to you about Danny," I said.

  "I'm listening but it is really none of my business Tylar."

  "Dad - it matters to me what you think of me. It matters to me that you know that I am not a slut."

  He raised an eyebrow looking at me.

  "Yes, I was listening outside in the hallway to your conversation with Danny this morning. You need to know that I wasn't waiting in the hallway in the loft for him to come home."

  My father listened intently as I relayed to him what had happened at the club and about Vincent driving me home. I didn't go into detail about what happened in Danny's apartment other than letting him know that I couldn't go through with it and left in a hurry. I told him that Trey was waiting for me in my room when I returned. I told him that Trey had figured out something had gone on when he saw my disheveled appearance.

  "Dad, it's important that you know that Trey was the first and only man that I've ever been with up until last night. He is the only man that I had ever intended to be with after our first time together. I couldn't let Danny go on with what we were doing. I stopped it but I know that it still counts as an unfaithful act against Trey."

  "Tylar - this is something that you need to work out with Trey. I am certainly not one to pass judgment on infidelities. If you recall, my infidelity to my fiancé is what brought you into the world. I can tell you that your husband loves you dearly. When he left here this morning he left devastated. He didn't say a word to me about anything."

  "Oh Dad," I sighed, "I bet Mom is looking down from heaven totally disappointed in her daughter."

  "Not my sweet Marley," he said, "She would want you to not dwell on your mistakes but learn from them."

  There was a tap on the door just then. It was Edie with Preston.

  "Someone is asking for Mama," she said smiling holding Preston's hand as they walked into the room.

  "Mamma," Preston said smiling and running over to the bed.

  My father scooped her up giving her a kiss on her cheek.

  "I will leave you two alone to spend some time together. Tylar I will see you at dinner?"

  "Yes Dad," I said as I scooped Preston up and pulled her close to me. "You will see us both."

  Once alone in the suite I turned the television on while Preston and I sat on the bed taking turns putting a wooden puzzle together. She was really getting good at it. I noticed that she had passed some gas several times while we played.

  "Preston, would you like to sit on a big-girl potty?" I asked her excitedly.

  She stuck her index finger in her mouth biting on her nail. She saw me smiling as if whatever I had proposed to her was going to be lots of fun.

  "Uh-huh," she said, smiling.

  "Okay, come on sweetie," I said, lifting her from the bed. I grabbed one of her story books from the nightstand. Once in the bathroom I laid her on the bathroom rug and removed her leggings and then her wet diaper.

  I sat her on new potty chair and promptly opened the storybook and started reading to her so that she wouldn't try to get up. I pointed out the pictures in the book, naming the characters for her. Thankfully she was totally involved in the books. I was on the second book when I saw her little face get red and heard her audibly grunt. I kept reading as if I wasn't aware of what she was doing. Several minutes later I could tell that she was finished. She wanted to get off the potty so I stopped reading.

  "Oh look Preston," I said excitedly, pointing to the bowl of the potty chair. "Preston is a good girl. She made doody in the potty."

  I clapped my hands smiling at her. She grinned showing her dimple and giggled. I continued to praise her for going potty like a big girl. I grabbed a baby wipe and explained that we wiped our bottoms once we were finished on the potty.

  I emptied her bowl into the toilet and flushed. She was crushed that I had disposed of her 'doody'

  She looked up at me and whined, "Mamma - doodee . . . doodee."

  "Don't cry baby girl," I said laughing. "You will have lots more doody. We will tell grandpa about you going potty like a big girl too."

  "Pappaw?" she asked sniffling.

  "Yes sweetie, Grandpa will be so proud of Preston."

  I went ahead and put a diaper on her. I had neglected to buy training pants for her. I would remedy that tomorrow.

  I could tell she was ready for her nap. I put her in her crib with a couple of her stuffed toys. She was yammering away to them for a few minutes and then it was silent. I checked on her and she was sleeping soundly sucking her thumb. She was so much like Trey I thought as I pulled her blankie up to her waist.

  I went back into my room seeing that it was now after 3:00 p.m, I figured Trey should be home. I took a deep breath as I picked my Blackberry up and phoned him. I was nervous as hell. What if he didn't answer?

  Trey answered but his voice was distant.

  "Yes, Tylar?"

  "Trey - you left without saying 'good-bye' this morning," I stammered.

  "I didn't want to wake you," he replied flatly.

  "But still you had another day here with Preston."

  "Trust me Tylar; I didn't want to leave her. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done. I just needed to go. I don't think that I could have dealt with looking at you right now."

  My first instinct was to grovel and cry and tell Trey it was my entire fault. Then I remembered what Gina had said to me earlier. This was a two-way street.

  "I understand how you feel Trey. That was exactly how I felt too, you know - afterwards."

  "Oh I see. So I guess this goes under the heading of "payback is a bitch?"

  "Not at all, Trey. I wasn't looking for revenge. It's more complicated than that."

  "I can't deal with you right now Tylar. I need time to assess this situation."

  "I totally get that Trey; I know how you feel. I just wanted to tell you that I apologize and that I have had a long talk with my dad. I think he has helped me to put some things into perspective and I am taking the necessary steps to get some counseling so that I can deal rationally with all that is happened. There are just two things that I want you to take away from this phone call right now and then I will let you go and say 'good-night'."

  "What's that?" he asked.

  "I'm sorry baby. I love you."

  CHAPTER 9

  The following Tuesday I had an appointment with my father's physician, Dr. Whitlach. He had me sign a release so that copies of my medical records with Dr. Addison could be electronically sent to him. He went ahead and prescribed the same anti-depressant that Dr. Addison had prescribed for me last year. He also recommended a grief-counseling group that met once a week and provided me with their leaflet as to time and place for the meetings.

  After my doctor's appointment I went to the styling salon where I had my hair returned to its previous color, highlights and all. That itself had made me feel better immediately. I knew the anti-depressant would take a couple of weeks to fully kick-in.

  After getting my prescription filled I stopped at a department store and purchased some training pants and pull-ups for Preston. I decided to use the pull-ups at night and the regular training pants during the day at least initially. I had checked on-line for some potty training tips.

  I drove my dad's car back to the estate. He was not in court today so he stayed with Preston while I was out. When I got back home they were playing in the living room together. Dad was showing her how to build a fort with her colorful plastic blocks. Once they finished the fort she climbed on his back and they charged the gate knocking all of
the blocks down. It was humorous watching my dad on all fours playing 'horsey' while Preston was on his back, rocking back and forth and squealing with delight.

  "How many times have you knocked the fort down Dad?" I asked grinning.

  "More times that I can count," he laughed. "She is wearing her grandpa out."

  Preston was gathering up the blocks to stack.

  "Gain Papaw, gain?"

  "Preston why don't we give Grandpa a break? I bought you some big girl panties today. How about we change?"

  "Kay Mommie," she said.

  "Did you hear that?" I said smiling, "She called me 'Mommie' instead of Maama!"

  I took her upstairs and removed her diaper. It was still dry. That meant I needed to put her on the potty now to see if I could get her to 'pee-pee.' I decided that was the word I wanted to use. The on-line tips suggested a word be used consistently with the child to represent urinating and another one for having a bowel movement.

  I walked her into the bathroom and asked her to sit on her potty. I ran some water in the sink which supposedly helped with the process. She looked up at me and giggled. I gave it a couple of minutes and then went over and lifted her up. Sure enough she had deposited some yellow 'pee-pee' into the bowl.

  "Good girl Preston. You pee-peed like a big girl in your potty," I praised. "See?"

  She looked down at her potty and pointed.

  "Doodee," she shrieked happily.

  "No honey, that is 'pee-pee,' I said.

  "Doodee," she said firmly.

  (Whatever - I guess with potty training it was best to pick your battles. I wasn't going to get into a war of words with her.)

  "Preston is a good girl."

  I got toilet paper and showed her how to wipe.

  I put a pull-up on her until I could get the new cotton training pants laundered. I waited until she was out in my room playing before I emptied the bowl and flushed away her 'doodee' not wanting her to get upset like she had the day before.

  I had a sudden urge to share with Trey what she had accomplished. Then I remembered we weren't really talking much. I hadn't heard from him since I had called him Saturday evening. I had talked to Gina once since then and she said that he and Tristan had not made up yet so she wasn't sure how Trey was doing.

  I stuck close to the house for the next couple of days working with Preston on the potty-training and interviewing for Danny's replacement. My father had entrusted me with that responsibility probably because I was the main reason he had an open position to fill.

  By Friday I had made my selection for Danny's replacement. He was a man in his early fifties named Ronnie Mitchell. He had great references and Larry had liked him best out of all of the candidates. I had insisted on Larry's input since they would be working together. He would start the following Monday which worked out perfectly since that was the day Matthew's trial was starting. The jury selection had finished up along with opening statements. On Monday the prosecution would begin hearing testimony.

  At dinner on Friday my father asked if I had heard anything from Trey. I told him I had not heard anything from him since I had called him the previous Saturday.

  "I'm getting a bit tired of this nonsense," he commented.

  "What nonsense Dad? I made the last move now it’s his turn."

  "No daughter; now I think it is my turn."

  "Whoa Dad, hold on one minute. I thought you weren't the type to interfere in my personal business?"

  "When it comes to my granddaughter I will damn well interfere," he said. "No matter what is going on between you and Trey or Trey and you, Preston is not a part of that."

  He was downright ticked off at the moment. I decided it was best I kept quiet. He was going to do what he was going to do no matter what. Besides, I kind of liked the idea of my dad giving Trey a butt-chewing on Preston's behalf.

  I looked over at Preston who was sitting next to him in her high chair. She was eating some sliced banana which was a favorite. She must have sensed she was the center of attention she gave me a big grin squeezing out mushy banana through her teeth.

  "Oh Preston yuck," I said getting up and going over to her with my napkin.

  I was dabbing up her face and hands when I heard her start chattering.

  "Doodee, Mommie."

  (Uh oh - I needed to move fast!)

  I lifted her quickly from her high chair and high-tailed it upstairs with her.

  I realized that I had lost the race when I heard her grunt loudly as I reached the upstairs hallway.

  "Doodee, doodee," she whined now feeling uncomfortable in her cotton panties.

  "Yes sweetie, I can smell it from here."

  I got her cleaned up and put her on the potty to see if she needed to pee-pee. It took several minutes but she complied with high praise from me. I put her in clean panties and we retreated back downstairs.

  "I take it she didn't make it to the potty," my father observed with a chuckle. "I'll get another potty chair for her down here."

  "By the way," he added, "Trey will be here tomorrow morning and will stay through Monday afternoon."

  "How do you know?" I asked perplexed. I had only been gone for ten or fifteen minutes.

  "I called him," he replied. "Trey now knows how I roll."

  I giggled silently wishing that I had been a fly on the wall during that phone conversation. It would be hard to determine who could top whom in stubbornness between the two men in my life.

  Something inside of me fluttered at the thought of seeing Trey again. I guessed it was my dormant butterflies. I hoped that they wouldn't be disappointed. I had no clue as to how Trey was feeling about me these days. I had an idea I would be finding out tomorrow.

  After getting Preston bathed and put to bed for the night I took a leisurely bubble bath. I waxed and shaved; gave myself a pedicure and a facial. My hair looked much better now than it had when he was last here. I even felt better with the antidepressants starting to work a bit already.

  I slept soundly that night dreaming of Trey and what I hoped would take place during his visit.

  CHAPTER 10

  I took extra time with my appearance the following morning. I selected a dark blue sweater and a pair of tan corduroy pants. I wore a pair of my new boots that had heels making me taller. My hair was now just long enough to put up in a short ponytail so I did so.

  I got Preston dressed in a dark plaid jumper with a white turtleneck under it. I decided against tights due to her 'big girl' panties as we had been calling them. I put knee high socks on her instead with a pair of dark brown loafers. She looked like a tiny parochial school girl. I pulled her dark locks up into a ponytail and tied a bow around it.

  "You look so pretty for Daddy," I said to her.

  "Daddy?"

  "Yes Preston. Daddy is coming to visit you."

  We had just finished up when my father knocked on the door letting us know that Trey had arrived. My legs suddenly felt like they were made of rubber. I felt dizzy and sweaty.

  "Dad - could you please take Preston down? I need a minute or two."

  "Certainly darling, are you okay?"

  "I think it's just nerves all of a sudden," I replied sitting on my bed.

  "Take your time," he replied picking up Preston. "Everything will be okay sweetheart."

  He closed my bedroom door softly behind him. I sat on the bed for what seemed like an eternity trying to shake the jittery feeling that I had. It was a feeling of impending doom. I had not considered the fact that Trey might very well have come to a decision about us. The fact that he hadn't called or texted me for a week now spoke volumes. He wanted a divorce. It was plain to me now. How stupid could I have been to think that he would forgive me for what I had done last week?

  My palms were sweaty and I felt shaky. I went to the bathroom and looked at my reflection. I had taken pains with my make-up, hair and attire. But the face that looked back at me in the mirror was still the face of a slut.

  Someone knocked on my bed
room door. I knew it was my father checking up on me. I couldn't face Trey and he was going to encourage me to go down there. I had no right to intrude on Trey's time with Preston. That was why he was here. Not for me but for Preston.

  The knocking continued. I needed to be alone now. There was nothing my father could say that would ease my torment. The realization of what I had done was plainly out of my sense of denial where it had been conveniently tucked away; it was now making its debut in my conscious reality where it belonged. I sickened myself.

  "I'm okay Dad," I yelled from the bathroom still looking at the slut in the mirror.

  "It's Trey," the voice called out. "May I come in?"

  Oh my God. He's here to deliver the news to me now. Why let it hang over us all weekend like a big, black cloud? Better to get it out there now so the specifics can be addressed. Things like custody, visitation - perhaps he wanted custody. Perhaps Trey didn't want a slut raising his daughter.

  I swallowed nervously. It was time to pay the piper.

  "Come in," I said my voice loud but quivering.

  I turned and left the bathroom as Trey came through the door, closing it softly behind him. He stood there studying me for a moment. I couldn't read him because he was expressionless. He looked gorgeous I thought to myself as I drank in his presence; and to think that he used to be mine. I felt the tears well up; one tear escaped and then another followed running down each cheek.

  I clasped my hands up to my face as if in prayer. Trey looked at me quizzically not making a move to do anything.

  "What is it?" he finally asked almost in a whisper. "What are you going to tell me Tylar? Just say it, please?"

  I realized then that Trey was just as frightened as I was. Did he think that I was going to tell him that I wanted the marriage over? Did he think that I was going to tell him I couldn't forgive what he had done? Then I remembered what Gina had told me. We each needed to deal with forgiving each other's actions. She said that we were even in the blame game.