Running Rings

by Ruth G Juliano

  Casey sipped her tea and looked at Verity, “He’s the wrong man for you.”

  “Who?”

  “The one who’s smooching you and smothering you and trying to convince you he’s all that.”

  “I know that, I do, I know and I’ve told him, but I’m giving him mixed signals. I just comply with him and I don’t want to, but I just keep saying yes to him when I want to scream ‘no’ and knee him in the balls. Then I realise that under different circumstances it might actually be sweet but I can’t take it anymore.”

  “What’s going to make you happy?” Casey asked.

  Verity looked at the selection on the tray. There was no real answer to that. She couldn’t be with Adrian, it wasn’t fair to him. She had to be with her first love, but if he was taken and happy then that would be the end of it. Verity felt at this point she would have no choice but to be alone for the rest of her life. “Should I try lesbianism?”

  “I’m married,” Casey said.

  They both laughed and sipped their tea. Verity decided she wasn’t going to talk about men for the rest of the afternoon. There was nothing else to say about men. It had to be her first love or no one. They were her options.

  Chapter 31

  It had been weeks since she’d asked for it to stop and for Jason to transfer her, and nothing had changed. Not only was Verity still getting several text messages a day from Ryan, but Jason seemed to be stalling about finding her an alternative position. Jason was happily bombarding her with email requests for help, but didn’t respond to her emails about alternative positions. Jason didn’t seem to realise that his requests were in email form and what the implications of that were. She had written proof that he was incompetent and she was doing half of his job for him. She wondered if telling him this would get her out of the job sooner or if she should just resign.

  “I want to see more of you.”

  Verity looked around. This conversation was in her ear in an open plan office. She sighed, “I can’t do a relationship. I keep telling you that. I’ve been telling you that for months.”

  “I want to just see how it goes. I think we should go away together somewhere that people won’t know us and see how it goes.”

  “I like you, Ryan,” she whispered, “There are things to like about you, but I just don’t want to be in a relationship.”

  “We’re already in a relationship, Kate. I need you to spend some time with me and see if we can do this.”

  “Ryan, I can’t.”

  “Well making out isn’t enough for me. I want to talk to you and get to know you and I think we could be really happy together.”

  Verity sighed, “The fact that I’m thirty years younger than you doesn’t bother you at all?”

  “Of course not, I like you as a person not as a number. I want to get to know you better. We could be a thing. You know how good it feels to be close to each other. You know how good we could be together. I can’t take just kissing you in secret any more. Spend some time with me. Stop saying ‘no’, that isn’t want you mean, you mean ‘yes’. I know how much you like my kisses. I want you to know me as a person. I think we think the same. I just want to talk to you in private that’s all, not kissing, just talking and getting to know each other. I will keep asking until you do the right thing.”

  Verity looked at her hands. “Okay. Okay. When?”

  “As soon as we can, and we’ll do it during the week. We could both call in sick on the same day or something.”

  “Okay,” Verity said.

  Ryan thanked her and Verity looked around to see if anyone was looking at her. The people in this office would make something of it anyway. Even if it was nothing, she’d overhear things in the toilet room about herself like she had before. They’d be saying they were sleeping together. They probably already said that. Verity had been trying to use Ryan’s kisses to feel connected and loved, and now she felt obligated. She hadn’t tried hard enough to push him away when he kissed her. She had said ‘no’ in every other way, but when he kissed her she let him because she needed to feel loved. It sucked. She was obligated and she hated feeling obligated.

  Verity left work that evening feeling sadder than she had felt in a long time. She had been desperate for the affection, and to some degree she could control it because it could only happen in the office and only under certain circumstances. She didn’t like it anymore, and she didn’t want it, and now she felt obligated. She needed a drink. She needed to go and just get a drink, an alcoholic drink, or several alcoholic drinks, and hope that at least for a little while she could feel okay. She couldn’t find Mr Perfect, she couldn’t see Adrian, her friends were frequently busy, and her Uncle John was dead. There wasn’t much to hold onto right now. She wasn’t going to willingly sleep with anyone except Adrian and Mr Perfect, and it wasn’t possible. She continued to walk and think, walk and think, and it was getting darker. She’d been wandering for an hour lost in thought. She looked at the pubs and clubs and restaurants and wondered where she should go. She decided to just go to whichever one she was now standing in front of because she was tired of walking. She walked in the doors and it was loud and garish. At least she could be anonymous here. She queued at the bar, ordered two ‘bourbon and cola’ and took them to the furthermost corner from the music.

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  “Adrian, please don’t let him hurt me.” Verity blinked and looked around. She was in bed and the first light was breaking through the curtains. She blinked again, trying to focus. “Adrian?”

  “Yes, babe, it’s me.”

  Verity smiled, “Hi, you’re really here.”

  “How do you feel?” Adrian asked, running his hand over her forehead.

  “I don’t know. A little weird. This is a beautiful dream.”

  “It’s not a dream. I’m really here in your bedroom.”

  Verity heaved, “I’m going to be sick.”

  “Here, you’re okay,” Adrian said, moving a bowl towards her as she turned on her side.

  Verity wiped the corner of her mouth, “Why are you here? I’m so happy to see you. It’s been months.”

  “I saved you from going home with the wrong man,” Adrian said, handing her a tissue.

  “I don’t remember that. I got two drinks to save queuing, and I was in the corner listening to music. I don’t remember anything after that.”

  Adrian put the bowl on the bedside table, “I saw you leaving the Doghouse with a man.”

  “Why would you see me leaving a bar with someone?” Verity asked, rubbing her right eye, “I wouldn’t do that. You’re the only man I would do that with, Dray. Oh god. I was really leaving with someone?”

  “It wasn’t your fault. I was concerned when I saw that you could barely stand up, and I asked if you were okay but you didn’t know who I was.”

  “I would never forget you, I adore you.”

  “Which is why I thought it was suspicious. Turns out you were slipped a date rape drug and about to be in big trouble.”

  Tears stung Verity’s eyes and she rolled on her side away from him, “I’m sorry.”

  “Not your fault. I always seem to be in the right place at the right time for you, don’t I?”

  Verity nodded, “I’m really glad to see you.” She rolled over to the other side and looked at him. “I really, really am.”

  Adrian smiled and patted her hand, “I’m glad to see you’re okay. I have to go exercise and get to work. Will you be okay?”

  “So much better now that I’ve seen you,” Verity said, taking his hand. She ran her thumb over his knuckles and picked his hand up. She looked at Adrian’s face and back at his hand. “You hit him?”

  Adrian nodded, “A few times.”

  Verity couldn’t help but give a little laugh, “Oh, Dray.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s a criminal. He had more drugs on him, including other date rape drugs, so I had him arrested. You can’t make a statement obviously, because you don’t remembe
r anything.”

  “No, I don’t, but I dreamed you were holding me in your arms and kissing my face.”

  Adrian smiled, “I might have actually been doing that. Anyway, you’re okay, that’s the main thing. Take care of yourself, babe. You don’t look so good.”

  “No more bars,” Verity said, “I’m sorry, and thank you, and I lo … thank you.”

  Adrian winked at her and squeezed her hand. “I’ll lock the door on my way out.”

  Verity wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him how much she missed him and cared about him, but he didn’t want to be loved. “Um, Adrian, I had a present for your birthday but I didn’t know what to do with it. You probably don’t want it, and that’s okay.”

  “Do you want me to have it?” he asked.

  Verity nodded, “It’s on the table near the television. Happy birthday.”

  “Thanks. See you around.”

  Verity nodded and listened for the sound of the front door closing. He didn’t like her like that. She had to remember that. He didn’t want her to feel for him because he didn’t feel for her. She closed her eyes again and tried to get back to the dream she was having.

  Chapter 32

  Her hand was shaking as she turned the key in the lock and opened the door. They were going to be alone together. Completely alone together. He said he wanted to talk, so she really hoped it was just going to be talking. She sat down on the couch in the lounge area and he sat right next to her. He held her hand. She didn’t want him to hold her hand. He thought it was romantic and he had no interest in hearing her opinion on why she didn’t want to hold his hand.

  “Why didn’t we go to your place? Why a hotel, or resort, or whatever this is?” he asked.

  Verity folded her arms nervously. She didn’t want him to know where she lived, but she didn’t want to say that. She was regretting being there with every fibre of her being. “I thought you wanted to go where no one would see us so we could talk. That’s what you said.”

  “Yes, I did. So how’s your dad doing?”

  Verity was surprised by the question. Her father had been dead for years. “Um, fine.”

  “I can come and visit him in the hospital with you if you need support.”

  “No, thank you, it’s really personal and I don’t want to get that involved.”

  “Kate, I want to get to know your family. I want to be a part of your family. I’m hoping that we’ll be together for a long time.”

  “Ryan, I feel like I’m talking but you’re not listening. I don’t want to do this, I am happy to be your friend and talk about the declining economic climate, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you or get to know you outside of work or to be intimate with you anymore.”

  Ryan squeezed her hand and leaned in to kiss her cheek. He kissed her cheek again and then turned her face towards him. He kissed her on the lips and moved closer. Without another word his tongue was deep in her mouth. Verity closed her eyes tight shut and pictured her first love kissing her tenderly in the university corridor. It was the only way. She began shaking. She wanted to cry from the need for it to be someone she wanted it to be instead of Ryan. If Adrian could walk in the door and save her that would be perfect. Something. Anything. This wasn’t working any more at all. She couldn’t pretend it was either of them, she knew it was Ryan and it wasn’t enjoyable. Verity pushed him away and stood up. “Should we make some tea or coffee?”

  He stood up and took her hand, “Come on, let’s go find the bedroom.”

  Verity didn’t want to go into the bedroom. Ryan took her hand and led her to the bedroom. He pulled the blinds shut and closed the bathroom door. With the overcast sky it was quite dark. He found her and began removing her clothes. Verity wanted to say ‘stop’ but she had allowed him to come there, and she had allowed him to make out with her on the couch. Now they were in her bedroom and he was undoing her shirt. He undid her pants and began pushing them down. “Wait,” she uttered.

  “Don’t keep me waiting. You want this, you know you do. You know how good we could be together,” he said onto her ear, as he pushed her pants over her thighs and they fell to the floor.

  He kissed her mouth and she could hear that he was undoing a condom. Verity was suddenly terrified. She began trembling. “I think we should stop now,” she whispered.

  “It’s what you want. It’s what we both want. It’ll be good,” he said and kissed her again. He turned them both around so she had her back to the bed and he took her underpants down. They both still had their shirts on and she didn’t want to look down in what light there was to see the thing pressing against her as he kissed her again.

  “I don’t think we should,” she said.

  “It’s too late for that,” he said, making her sit down on the bed, “Lie down.”

  Verity moved further onto the bed. She was now lying across the bed and he was standing there looking at her. Verity had her knees pressed together so tight that her legs were shaking. He moved above her and was kissing her again. Verity was going to cry, she knew it. She didn’t want this. She’d said ‘no’ so many times to being alone with him that she didn’t know how they’d gotten here. There used to be things to like about him but now there was nothing.

  He moved her legs apart as he kissed her and leant down on her. His large abdomen pressing against her reminded her of Ray. She wanted to cry and to throw up. If he was determined then she couldn’t stop him because she was now terrified. He was kissing her and he was heavy like Ray was and the way his stomach was pushing against her was like Ray. In her mind all she could think was ‘please get off me, please get off me’.

  “Shit, my phone’s ringing,” he said, and moved quickly off the bed.

  Verity didn’t want to look at his half-naked body as he left her room. She wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. She thought she was over this, but he was around Ray’s age and Ray’s build and he made noises like Ray. She didn’t know why she hadn’t seen it before but feeling the way she did right now she knew that she would always see it. She knew that she could never be close to him and not feel it. There was no way to explain that to him. She wasn’t going to tell anyone else that she was raped. Maybe one person, but he was nowhere. Verity wiped her tears away and fanned her eyes. She didn’t even know how she’d allowed herself to get into this situation. She’d opened up to him about a few things because he had forced her to talk, and now he knew quite a bit about her, or he thought he did. She wished she never felt obligated to spend time together. She had to quit her job. Jason obviously wasn’t going to her help. She got off the bed and put her pants and underpants back on.

  “I have to go,” he said, “We’ll have try again really soon. How about Tuesday?”

  Verity shook her head, “I can’t.”

  “Tuesday is no good? We’ll work something out,” he said, picking up his pants.

  Verity walked into the bathroom to wash her hands and face. She looked in the mirror and felt ashamed of herself for allowing him to be that intimate. All the times he had made her feel nervous, he interpreted as some kind of lustful excitement, but it wasn’t excitement. All the times she had not known where to look when he was looking at her and gesturing with his face, he interpreted as schoolgirl blushing, but it wasn’t nervous excitement. All the times she wasn’t able to speak properly around him, wasn’t because he made her tongue tied like he thought he did. Verity realised that she was terrified of him and always had been. Regardless of how good his kisses were, and of all the things she used to like about him as a colleague, any time they weren’t actually lip to lip, she was terrified of him.

  He walked over and lifted the toilet seat lid and Verity wanted to leave the room but she was frozen. This was way too comfortable for him. He had no idea how she really felt. She needed to end this, again, but this time she had to make sure it stayed ended. He reached around her to wash his hands, pinning her between himself and the sink. He looked at her in the mirror and kissed her on the che
ek. She patted his arm nervously, hoping he really was leaving.

  “I’ll see you at work,” he said, patting her bottom.

  Verity nodded, “Sure, see you then.”

  “Another kiss before I go?”

  “No, let’s just leave it how it is,” Verity said.

  “I’m going to miss you,” he said.

  Verity nodded. He turned her around and kissed her anyway then left the bathroom. Verity washed her face and hands and looked at herself in the mirror. The woman she saw before her looked defeated, older than her years and miserable. She couldn’t be with him, she couldn’t be with Adrian and she was tired of people. Maybe it was time to end her life. Maybe there was no other way out of this. Maybe he was dead and if she was dead then they could finally be together again. Verity decided that’s what she’d do. She’d go and make a Will and end her life on her terms.

  She left the serviced apartment and dropped the keys off at the reception desk. She thought the woman behind the counter was looking at her strangely and wondered if the woman was thinking she was a prostitute or something. What did it matter? Other people’s opinions of her didn’t matter. Whatever that woman was thinking was not going to be as bad as what she thought of herself right now. Verity looked around. She was already walking down the street. She sighed and continued walking. She wondered what the best way to end her life was going to be. She didn’t want someone else to take her life from her. She didn’t want to die in pain. She just didn’t want to live any more.