Noah Could Never

by Simon James Green

  “That’s just Facebook, though, isn’t it?” Bambi muttered.

  “Cock,” Noah said. “He is such a cock … flannel.”

  “Also –” Harry swallowed the butty he was chewing “– he’s an idiot. Because he’s left his location tags on.” Harry handed the phone back to Noah. “He was outside Watford when these were taken, which means…”

  Noah grinned. “London, here we come!”

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-THREE

  Noah was completely agog. There were cars, trucks and lorries everywhere. There were people everywhere. London, in all its chaotic, dirty, loud, manic glory, was everywhere. It pulsed. It was alive, vibrant, exciting. Mopeds zigzagged between the slowly moving vehicles, as an old guy in a pinstriped suit and a trilby played the saxophone on the street corner, and some prick with a beard and dungarees rode an actual unicycle along the actual pavement.

  “Where is this?” Eva asked.

  “Camden,” Bambi said.

  “Let me out here,” Eva said, reaching back to grab her guitar case with her extendable arms. “Camden is great for me.”

  Bambi shook her head and clicked the central locking. “No can do,” she said. “Not having any accidents on my watch.”

  Eva scowled at her. “I’ll find you later, at the club. I don’t need to come along for this diamonds shit anyway.”

  “Honey,” Bambi said, “I’m not being held responsible if you get yourself in any trouble. Do as Bambi says. You don’t wanna get on the wrong side of Bambi, believe me.”

  “Cool,” Eva huffed, refolding her limbs back into the confined space of the seat.

  “This place is crazy!” Harry cooed, checking the view out of every window, as a middle-aged woman zipped past on a child’s scooter. “All these people, like, who are they all? And the shops! And they’re all open!” He craned his neck to look out of the back window. “Ha! That place is called ‘Buy Curious’!”

  “Funny,” Noah agreed, knowing damn well that if such a shop opened in Little Fobbing, it would be quickly surrounded by indignant, pitchfork-wielding locals.

  “Seems to sell stuffed animals, old hospital equipment and ancient relics that look like they might be cursed, if the window display’s anything to go by,” Harry said.

  Noah checked his watch. Ten o’clock. They only had an hour to find where Dad and Eric were and save the diamonds.

  Pierre took a picture of a red phone box. “Classic!” he smiled. “Also, I would like to see the Queen.”

  “You’ll be seeing plenty of queens later on, hun,” Bambi said.

  “Haha! Queens!” Pierre turned his head back to Noah. “I am excited for the gay club!”

  “How will we get in, though?” Noah said. “Surely security will ask for ID?”

  “Actually,” Bambi interrupted, “Bambi can probably get you in the back way, oo-er, since you’re technically my entourage.”

  “Going in the back way sounds fun!” Pierre said.

  “Thank you, Pierre. But Bambi, won’t you get in trouble if they find out?”

  “It’ll be fine,” Bambi sniffed, inching the van forward a metre. “I’ll just say you’re with Bambi and get you all some backstage passes. The rest of the staff will just assume you’re old enough. The power of a lanyard, huns. Access All Areas.”

  “We like to Access All Areas, right, boys?!” Pierre grinned, turning round to wink at Noah and Harry.

  “OK, look, Pierre,” Harry said, lurching forward in his seat. “Maybe you’re just joking, but all of your little comments are getting a bit … annoying.”

  “I say something wrong?” Pierre said, face a picture of innocence. “I just say it is nice to be able to access all areas – like a film star, no?”

  “No, that’s not…” Harry chewed his lip for a moment. “OK, fine.”

  “OK?” Pierre said.

  Harry sat back in his seat again.

  “So are you lot coming to the club or not?” Bambi asked.

  “I just worry we’re asking for trouble,” Noah said. “And we all need to think about how an arrest would look on our UCAS applications.”

  “Ah, come on, Noah!” Harry said. “It’ll be ace.”

  “Well, I’m not sure, I’ve got a bad feeling about it, to be honest. A foreboding. If this were a book, there would be dark clouds right now, and a thunderstorm. Maybe a raven or something.”

  “Noah!” Harry said, placing an arm across his shoulders and pulling him towards him. “We’re in London. We’re young. We should have a good time! You gotta grab life by the horns!”

  “Yes, grab the horn, Noah!”

  “Shut up, Pierre!”

  Pierre held his hands out, palms up. “Now what? You just say you like to grab horns!”

  “You only live once, after all!” Harry said, ignoring Pierre now and resting his head on Noah’s shoulder.

  Noah swallowed. He loved the way Harry’s hair smelt of rose petals. “Very well, then,” he muttered.

  “Was that a yes?!” Harry grinned, sitting upright again.

  “It’s a yes if I get the diamonds back.”

  “YEESSS!” Harry said, giving Noah a kiss on the cheek.

  “Well, OK,” Noah said. “I’m sure it’ll be a pleasant evening. Is there a dress code, Bambi?”

  “It’s just casual. Unless you want to go into the BDSM room?”

  “The what now?”

  Bambi glanced at Noah’s puzzled face in the rear-view mirror. “Nothing, mate. Don’t worry about it. Casual is fine.”

  “Good, well, I brought some slacks with me, so I expect I’ll—” Noah’s mobile rang. “Oh goodness, it’s Eric. Eric’s on the line! It’s him. This could be it!”

  “Answer it, then!” Bambi shouted.

  “OK! OK, everyone silent! He mustn’t think we’re on to him. He mustn’t know we’re in London! OK…” Noah accepted the call. “Noah Grimes speaking, who is this, please?”

  “Dickhead,” came the reply.

  “Hello, Eric. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

  “You ain’t found us yet.”

  “That because I’m not looking.”

  “Sure, sure,” Eric said. “Dad and I are just here waiting. Arrived ahead of schedule, just killing time.”

  “Oh yes, doing what?”

  “Oh, Noah. Why would I tell you that? If I told you that, it might give you a clue as to where we were, and then you might come and find us!” Eric chuckled.

  “What are you laughing at?” Noah demanded.

  “Nothing. Just looking at something. Heh, heh! Too cute.”

  In the background, Noah heard a strange sound. A sort of hooo whoooop! Hooooop! type of noise. “Eric? What is that?”

  “Time’s not on your side, Noah! Less than sixty minutes now. Wonder if Noah Grimes can crack the mystery or if he’s all talk?”

  The phone went dead. “Well?” Bambi said.

  “He didn’t give anything away,” Noah said. “But I did hear something in the background – something he was looking at.” Noah cleared his throat. “Hooo whoooop! Hooooop!”

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Bambi said.

  “That was the noise! That’s what I heard! Hooo whoooop! Hooooop!”

  “Gibbons,” Pierre muttered.

  “Those monkey things?” Noah said.

  “Yes, those monkey things. Their calls are very distinctive.”

  “Well, why is Eric looking at gibbons?”

  Mick suddenly slammed the van into a breakneck three-point turn. “Because he’s at London Zoo.”

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-FOUR

  “Eighty Great British pounds!” Noah said for the tenth time. “Eighty! Just for us all to get into this wretched zoo!”

  The group walked through the entrance gates and into the central courtyard. “Eighty pounds!” Noah continued. “Just to see some, what…” He consulted the map of the zoo he’d been given at the ticket booth. “Ooh! Butterfly Paradise, that does sound
good!”

  “Aw, they’ve got penguins!” Harry said, peering over at the map.

  “We must see the lions,” Pierre announced.

  “OK, so I will concede there are things to see here,” Noah said, “but still, eighty pounds!”

  Bambi had a face of thunder. “Who paid?”

  “Well, you did, Bambi, very kindly. And I thank you for that kindness. I’ll pay you back.”

  “Yeah? How?”

  Noah swallowed. “You’ll see. I have ways. I might be running a business now, you’ll see.”

  Bambi gave him a withering look. “You might be? That sounds promising.” She looked around the group. “Where the fuck is Eva?”

  Noah glanced between Harry, Pierre and Bambi, as though one of them might be Eva “in disguise”. None of them were. “Shit,” Noah said.

  “Brilliant, she made a run for it, didn’t she? In the queue whilst I was distracted at the ticket booth and you were moaning about how much it was!” Bambi jabbed Noah in the chest. “I’m not taking any flak for this. She’s your responsibility.”

  “She’s eighteen.” Pierre shrugged.

  Noah’s eyes nearly popped out. Eighteen?! And they’d paired her with him, a barely sixteen-year-old?! Such an age gap was outrageous. He would be having stern words with Mr Baxter upon his return.

  “She’s eighteen?” Bambi said. “Oh well, fuck her, then, she’s on her own.” She rewrapped her pashmina around her shoulders, put a pair of huge sunglasses on, and clapped her hands together. “Right! Any idea where your dad and Eric are going to be meeting this shady contact?”

  Noah shrugged. “No idea. We’ll have to split up and do a sweep of the entire zoo. Pierre – head up towards the lions and monkeys. Haz – take the penguins and butterflies; Bambi – do Gorilla Kingdom, then head across to the Snowdon Aviary; I’ll check out Tiger Territory, then do the reptile house and aquarium. If you locate them, send a group text.”

  “We get an espresso first?” Pierre suggested.

  “No, Pierre! No. Besides, based on the entry price, it’ll cost ten million pounds. Coffee later. Everyone, we need to work fast and leave no stone unturned.” Noah paused dramatically. “They’re due to meet the contact in T-minus twenty minutes.”

  Harry grinned. “Mmm – I love it when you talk like that!”

  “Haz!” Noah warned.

  “Say something else,” Harry said. “Say, ‘Sierra four-five, Sierra four-five from Mike Whisky, over.’”

  “No.”

  “Go on, Noah, say it!” Pierre said.

  “Say it!” Harry insisted.

  “Just say it,” Bambi sighed.

  “Sierra four-five, Sierra four-five from Mike Whisky, over,” Noah muttered.

  “Mmm,” Harry and Pierre said.

  “Gahh! Just get on with it!” Noah squealed, striding off towards the tigers.

  *

  Noah shook his head as he walked along the path through Tiger Territory, which could more accurately be called “area with no animals on it” because the tigers were nowhere to be seen. Eighty pounds! Eighty pounds and no tigers! At these prices, they should be putting on a musical revue…

  He rounded the corner and heard the ‘Whooooop! Hooooop!’ sounds from Eric’s phone call.

  Gibbons. Noah walked up to the edge of the enclosure, watching the beasts as they swung around and did acrobatics using their ridiculously long arms. Amazing, really. Noah couldn’t even hit a rounders ball – these guys were in a different league, PE-wise.

  He felt eyes on his back.

  He turned around slowly, because somehow, he knew.

  And there he was. About ten metres away, standing at the corner, where the path swung round and down towards the reptile house.

  Smirking.

  Eric.

  And no sooner had Noah seen him, than Eric was gone. Noah hurried after him, scrambling for his phone at the same time, attempting to hammer out a group text whilst trying, in vain, to keep a visual on Eric: Flu eric head to reptile hotel moo.

  Seeing a flash of Eric’s black hoodie ahead, Noah upped his pace, quickly weaving between parents with pushchairs and toddlers as he darted down the path, past the kangaroos, and arrived at the entrance to the reptile house.

  Noah spun around. The path here split into three. A group of younger teens were gathered by the grass, chatting away in Spanish. Noah scanned them, but Eric was nowhere to be seen. He must be inside the reptile house. There was no sign of the others. Noah checked his watch – five to eleven. He had no choice. This was it. He swallowed and went inside.

  Noah stood for a moment while his eyes acclimatized to the dark and his nose grew accustomed to the stench. It was the smell of dirty tricks, and Dad and Eric’s operation reeked.

  It was times like this, Noah was glad he had a wide collar on his coat to pop. He gave it a sharp tug, so the pointy bits faced forward. He longed for a fedora. If he had any hope of getting to the bottom of this case, he had to look and think like a pro, like some heroic, hard-boiled detective in a pulp novel.

  He took in the scene. Tanks of different sizes lined the walls either side of the walkway, light reflecting off the wet glass, illuminating the underbelly of this filthy city. But Noah wasn’t scared. He was mad. Real mad. So mad he could taste it.

  Noah walked silently along the walkway. The place was so deserted it could have been “chocolate three ways” on a menu – brownie, mousse and maybe a cheesecake, or something like that.

  The trickle of water from one of the tanks…

  The sound of his footsteps…

  A short rustle…

  Noah shot a glance behind him. There was no one there. Maybe the others were lost. Maybe they were dead. Life was tough like that. Tough as a nickel steak with a side helping of cast iron fries.

  Noah tugged his collar up again and popped a Haribo Starmix in his mouth. He could so handle this.

  The bulbs in one of the tanks to his right flickered a few times, casting shafts of light across the shadowy passage, then shut off.

  He walked slowly on, keeping close to the left-hand side. He hadn’t started this thing, but he was sure as hell going to finish it.

  He chewed his Haribo.

  Dad and Eric’s scheme was like a cheap bourbon – it made you wince, and Noah was going to put it on ice.

  He reached a large tank that stood in the middle of the walkway, forming an island you could walk around.

  Noah glanced behind him again, the warm light of the exit glowing in the distance. Had all this been too easy? What if Eric’s “careless” mistakes hasn’t been so careless? What if they were deliberate? What if there was more to this caper than he’d bargained for? One thing was for sure – this was no Sunday school picnic.

  “Oh!” Noah gasped, as he turned back and came face-to-face with a forked tongue flicking in and out at him from behind the glass of the tank. It was a snake. And snakes always meant trouble. Noah didn’t like its face. And when he glanced at the sign, he liked it even less:

  “Ten-foot king cobra – the world’s longest venomous snake. Subdues its prey with massive quantities of neurotoxic venom.”

  And it was then that a hand was placed over his mouth and Noah was dragged backwards.

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-FIVE

  “What the bloody hell are you doing here?” his dad hissed in his ear.

  Noah squirmed under his father’s tight grip. “Mmmm! Mm! Mmmm!”

  “Don’t you dare scream for help if I take my hand away,” his dad said, removing his hand from Noah’s face.

  “HELP! MURDER!” Noah shouted.

  The hand was slapped straight back on. “Bloody idiot! Do you want to get us all arrested?!”

  Noah made a low-level growl.

  Eric gave a wave to someone at the other end of the walkway, presumably a staff member. “It’s all good,” he shouted. “Just my little brother being stupid!” Eric turned to Noah. “Well, hello there, little brother!”


  Noah tried to wriggle free from his dad’s grasp, desperate to set Eric straight: Eric was his little brother.

  “OK, just chill out, Noah. Calm it down, buddy,” his dad cooed, holding him tight.

  It was no good. The more Noah tensed and fought, the tighter his dad grasped him. It was pretty tiring, and Noah was already dangerously exhausted from all the exertion. He sighed and went limp. Death may as well just take him.

  “Good,” his dad said, lifting his hands but keeping them hovering just a few centimetres away, in case they needed to go back on again. “We good?”

  “I accidentally swallowed my Haribo without chewing it properly,” Noah said.

  “Right,” his dad said. “Well, that’ll teach you not to eat sweets while prowling around, won’t it?”

  Noah nodded, tight-lipped, flicking his eyes down to the floor.

  His dad sighed. “Good, then.” He put his hands back in his pockets. “Sorry about grabbing you like that. Just didn’t want you messing up what me and Eric have worked so hard to make happen, yeah?”

  Noah looked up at a triumphant Eric. Smarmy little git. Giving it all smiles, because he was clearly Dad’s little protégé now. His favourite. Fine, then. Whatever. He should have known. He should have seen that Dad had way more in common with Eric than with him. They were both dodgy, just out for themselves.

  But Noah was Gran’s favourite, and he was doing this for her. He glanced up, over Dad’s shoulder, seeing Harry lurking in the shadows by the lizard tanks further back along the walkway. Noah took an unsteady breath, then lifted his chin and forced himself to stare his father right in the eyes. “Your scheme is like a cheap bourbon,” Noah snarled. “And I’m going to serve it on ice. I mean, with ice. No … on the rocks. Bourbon – on ice.”

  “Bourbon’s best served neat, at room temperature,” his dad said.

  “What? Oh. Look, it doesn’t matter. Where’s Gran’s tiara?”

  “The tiara’s safe, Noah. We’ve taken the rocks out of it, and once I’ve sold ’em, I’ll replace them with fakes. Glue ’em back in, and Eric will drop the tiara back into her room when she’s not there, and she won’t know the difference.”