Bittersweet Love

by Cathy Williams

  It was flattering that he wanted her to stay, he made no attempt to hide it, but it hurt that it was only on a working level that she would ever be indispensable to him. Then she laughed bitterly to herself. Good grief, had she ever expected otherwise? There was a place for girlish dreams and this was not it.

  ‘Where will you go?’ His voice was cold, and she realised that he had accepted the inevitable. He might not like it because her departure would interfere badly with the orderly workings of his office, but he accepted it and with that acceptance came cold indifference. Did he really give a damn where she went?

  Natalie shrugged. ‘I have no idea.’

  He stood up and went across to the window, looking down at the busy street below. ‘I won’t expect you to work out your notice.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  There was an awkward silence, then Natalie stood up. ‘If you don’t mind,’ she began, and he nodded curtly, not bothering to turn to face her.

  ‘You must drop by and let us all know how you get on in your new job,’ he said politely.

  What a relief that he wasn’t looking at her, she thought, and couldn’t see how close to bursting into tears she was.

  ‘I will.’

  She walked out of the room quickly, and then out of the office, stopping on her way down to say goodbye to all of the people she had come to know over the years. Heaven only knew what they were thinking. No doubt there would be the usual speculative gossip as soon as she left the building.

  It was only when she was outside that it hit her. The void of knowing that she would never see Kane Marshall again. It was almost as if the threads that had been holding her life together had suddenly been taken away, and had left her floundering and unsure. What was she going to do next? Oh, she would find a job, but the vastness of the space which Kane’s absence from her life created would be infinitely more difficult to fill.

  She spent the afternoon on the telephone and realised very quickly that no job was going to match her salary. The following day she took herself down to all of the agencies and busied herself with the time-consuming business of filling in forms.

  By the end of the week, she had been to several interviews, but nothing compared to working with Kane. It was an effort to keep reminding herself that she would just have to accept that that part of her life was gone forever.

  Eric seemed bewildered by her decision.

  ‘But I thought that you enjoyed it,’ he said, perplexed. ‘I mean, up to a fortnight ago you were putting yourself out to entertain his clients!’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Exactly?’

  ‘I woke up one morning and decided that a change was as good as a rest’

  ‘So now you’re out of work.’

  ‘Something like that,’ Natalie admitted. She must have sounded more depressed than she wanted to because later that evening she found herself in a restaurant with him, and his sympathy was so tangible that she found herself cheering up quite a bit.

  Over their second bottle of wine, she was laughing much more than she would have thought possible in her frame of mind, and by the third bottle Eric had succeeded in coming up with a magnificent idea.

  ‘What,’ he said loudly, ‘about going to work for one

  of your clients? Our people——’ was that a hiccup?

  ‘—do it all the time. Leave the profession and work for a client.’ He gesticulated broadly. ‘All the time.’

  Natalie had never thought of that, but why not? On the Monday, she phoned one of her clients who had jokingly promised her a job if she should ever need one, and by Tuesday she was employed. She could have kissed Eric. Instead, she telephoned him and invited out to a meal.

  ‘Tonight,’ she said, ‘you name the place. After all, it was your idea.’

  His voice was decidedly vague when he replied. ‘To-night’s a bit tricky, Natalie. What about tomorrow?’

  ‘I don’t know, Eric,’ she said, a bit deflated. ‘I’m not sure what time I’ll be back.’ They left it for some other, unspecified day, and Natalie promptly put it to the back of her mind.

  Somehow, she thought a few days later, working for Tony Harding made her feel as though she had not lost touch completely with Kane. They were a small outfit, but an up-and-coming one, and her job involved doing quite a bit of nearly everything, from taking calls to dealing with customers. The money was meagre com-pared to what she had been getting at her old job, and the excitement of working for a leading company was absent, but in its place was the comfort of working for someone whom she had spoken to on the phone countless times, who showed her the ropes, and who left her to get on with it.

  And, she had to admit, it was cheap on clothes. Because the office site was something along the lines of a warehouse, jeans were the order of the day. Her suits remained hanging in her wardrobe, reminders of other times. She could associate each and every one with Kane, some occasion, some incident. In the end she removed them to the wardrobe in the spare room simply so that they would no longer confront her on a daily basis.

  She was updating their system of logging invoices, one of the projects which she had set herself from early on because the disorder had been getting on her nerves, when some sixth sense made her look up to find a pair of brilliant green eyes staring at her laconically from the doorway. Kane Marshall, and, next to him, Tony.

  Natalie stared at him. She felt as though it had literally been years since she had laid eyes on him, even though it had only been a matter of a couple of weeks or so. Every fibre in her body awakened in his sudden presence, then she collected herself together with a little shake and stood up.

  Tony bustled into the room, overweight, red-faced and enthusiastic. Kane followed him, looking around the building, then fixing his gaze on her until Natalie felt colour creeping up her skin.

  How could she have pretended to herself that her new job had done anything to diminish the effect he had on her? That she would ever be able to conveniently forget him?

  ‘A nice little job for you, Natalie,’ Tony said with a beaming smile and Natalie dragged her eyes away from Kane. ‘Lunch with your ex-boss. I’m hoping you’ll be able to use your privileged position to talk him into some reduced rates for me.’ Kane was looking at her with an ironic expression on his face, as though daring her to come up with some excuse for refusing the offer.

  ‘What about those letters you wanted me to type?’ she ventured weakly and Tony laughed.

  ‘They’ll wait. This is more important.’ He glanced at the two of them and she could see that he was trying to figure out why she was so unenthusiastic about the idea. Most people would have jumped at the idea of an all-expenses-paid lunch, and especially if it was with someone they had known for five years.

  But Tony would never put two and two together. His mind was too involved with his growing business. The personal details of other people’s lives around him passed him by.

  I’ll just get my jacket,’ Natalie mumbled, the hairs on the back of her neck tingling as she felt Kane’s eyes on her.

  What, she wanted to know, was he doing here anyway? Hadn’t he done enough to her already? She had the de-pressing, desperate feeling that she had been catapulted right back to square one.

  She joined Kane in Reception where he was discussing one of Tony’s projects and when she walked in they both looked up. She smiled at Tony, then turned to Kane and her face was perfectly controlled.

  ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Whenever you are,’ Kane murmured, holding the door open for her to walk past him, which she did. Very quickly.

  She stepped into his car, a sleek burgundy Jaguar, her body tensing as he slid into the seat alongside her. Then he turned to face her, his hands on the steering-wheel.

  ‘I’ve missed you, Natalie,’ he said huskily.

  Natalie’s breathing quickened. ‘I take it my re-placement hasn’t quite got used to the ropes as yet?’

  There was a short silence, then he said abruptly, ‘She’s ho
peless. A temp. One of several who have come and gone.’ He started up the engine and the car roared into life. ‘I don’t suppose you would reconsider coming back?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I didn’t think so. Harding treating you that well, eh?’

  I can cope with him, she wanted to say, which is some-thing to be grateful for.

  ‘I’m very busy. How did you find out where I worked anyway?’ she asked, still not daring to look at him be-cause to do so would be to confront the hopeless fact that she was still head over heels in love with him, that he could still thrill her merely by being there. ‘Or was it sheer coincidence your being here?’

  ‘He telephoned me for a reference on you,’ Kane told her, and she nodded in comprehension. That possibility had never even crossed her mind. If it had, she might have not been quite so eager to take a job so close to home.

  ‘Why did you come?’ she asked quietly. ‘I know you. You only ever visit massive clients. You delegate the smaller ones.’

  He glanced across at her. ‘I came because I still want you, Natalie Robins,’ he told her in a cool voice. ‘No woman runs out on me. Don’t you know there’s nothing more challenging to someone like me than the inaccessible? I took you once. I intend to do it again.’

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  NATALIE wanted desperately to laugh this off as a joke, but there was something deadly serious in that silky voice. Panic snaked through her, making her dizzy.

  ‘You can’t be serious,’ she said shakily, licking her lips to moisten them. She stared straight ahead of her, not wanting to face him because she was scared of what she might see there. His anger, his arrogance, his cynicism—those were things that she could cope with. His pursuit was not. That was dangerous because it ex-posed her vulnerability to him, and she wasn’t going to fall into that trap a second time.

  ‘Why not?’ he answered coolly, his hand resting lightly on the gear shaft.

  Natalie eyed it in trepidation and edged away. If the car were at a standstill right now, she had no doubt that she would have flung open the door and run as fast as her legs could take her. Her heart was beating so quickly that she had the giddy sensation that any minute she would choke to death. She forced the panic back. That, she knew, was not going to help her. What she needed to fight his devastating relentlessness was calm.

  She breathed deeply and tried very hard to summon up a feeling of calm. Pretend, she told herself, that he isn’t Kane Marshall. Pretend that he’s simply an ordinary, paunchy, balding businessman sitting there, making a pest of himself. She closed her eyes and filled her mind with the image, immediately feeling more in control.

  She gave a little laugh. ‘Why not?’ she repeated with a hint of amusement in her voice. ‘I can think of several thousand reasons, but the main one is I don’t want it.’

  ‘No?’ He shot her a sideways glance and some of that exquisite control slipped slightly. ‘We could always put that to the test.’

  ‘No, we could not!’ Natalie replied sharply. ‘This isn’t some kind of game. If you feel the urge to chase a woman, then do me a favour and find another one to chase. I have a new job and,’ she continued with sudden inspiration, ‘I’m trying to build a relationship with Eric.’

  The car pulled over to the kerb and Natalie glanced at him uneasily. She hoped that he wasn’t about to try anything, because she knew that a single touch from him would be enough to shatter her will-power to shreds. She clutched the door-handle and he said with lazy amusement, ‘Relax. I’m not about to jump on you in this public place.’

  ‘I never said you were,’ Natalie answered quickly.

  ‘You didn’t have to. You looked like a scared rabbit about to dash into the nearest hole. Are you?’

  ‘Am I what?’

  ‘Scared of me? Afraid of what might happen to you if I lay a finger on you?’

  Everything about him, his voice, the way he was sitting there, lightly resting against the door, was controlled and unhurried. He was in absolutely no rush whatsoever, and the fact that she had told him, quite firmly, that she had no intention of sleeping with him didn’t appear to bother him in the slightest. In fact, Natalie thought angrily, he seemed to be relishing the situation.

  ‘Are we going to have some lunch?’ she asked coolly. ‘Because if we aren’t I have a million things to do back at the office.’

  Kane laughed softly and she had the frightening feeling that he viewed her protestations as delaying tactics that would not possibly defer the inevitable.

  ‘Lunch, by all means,’ he drawled, letting himself out of the car and moving around to open her door for her. Natalie shot out, her arm burning where it brushed against his.

  They dined at a pleasant Italian bistro without a hint of the suffocating intimacy which Natalie had expected, and Kane kept up amusing conversation on an array of subjects.

  Very crafty, she thought, making sure that he doesn’t frighten his prey away. Not that it was going to work. She responded politely, interested in what he had to say about what was going on at the Marshall Corporation, amused by his witty anecdotes and quite happy to chat to him about her new job.

  When they were leaving the restaurant, he bent slightly towards her and said in a lazy undertone, ‘I never answered your question, did I?’

  Natalie pulled back, alarmed at the slow tingle of heat that had spread through her body by his proximity.

  ‘‘What question?’ she asked briskly, standing back to allow him to open the car door for her, and then slipping inside very quickly. Kane leisurely opened his door, but instead of starting up the engine he turned in his seat to look at her, his eyes doing a very careful appraisal of her flushed face.

  ‘You wanted to know why I didn’t occupy my time chasing other women.’

  Natalie stared straight ahead of her while her heart did funny things in her chest. After the fairly relaxing, unthreatening light-hearted banter over lunch, the sudden casual intimacy in Kane’s tone alarmed her, though she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of showing it.

  ‘I’m not really that curious,’ she said.

  ‘I’m not chasing other women, because right now there’s only one woman I’m interested in chasing.’

  Right now, she thought bitterly. He certainly was an expert at introducing lack of permanence in his relation-ships, wasn’t he? She looked at him coldly. ‘It was a very pleasant lunch. Why do you have to spoil it?’

  ‘Is that what I’m doing?’ He reached out to stroke the side of her face with one ringer and she pulled back. His eyes, smiling, flickered over her. He was playing a waiting game. Biding his time, content to let minor obstacles such as her objections be trampled by time and patience.

  ‘I’m not interested.’

  ‘No,’ Kane agreed with a hint of laughter in his voice, ‘just so long as it’ s only me you’re not interested in.’

  He started up the car, expertly manoeuvring it through the crowded streets back to Tony Harding’s offices, which were in a far less plush, and consequently much cheaper, part of London.

  ‘I’ll be seeing you,’ he said as the car stopped in front of the building, and Natalie shook her head vehemently.

  ‘I’m busy.’

  ‘So am I,’ Kane said, as though he was agreeing with her over some innocuous statement like, Isn’t it hot today?

  She glared at him helplessly. ‘Why me?’ she asked on a high whisper. ‘You never used to look at me twice.’

  ‘What makes you say that?’ he asked with interest.

  Natalie frowned, disconcerted and puzzled by his response. ‘We had a good working relationship,’ she said. ‘I would have known if you had been interested in me in that way. I know there was that stupid Christmas party, but that doesn’t count.’ She laughed shortly. ‘Don’t forget I had an awful lot of experience of seeing you in action with other women. I would have recognised one of those deliberately charming looks from a mile away.’

  ‘I don’t think I care for that description,
’ Kane in-formed her, his voice half-offended, half-amused.

  It was one-thirty and groups of people were trooping back into the building, some of them idly glancing at the parked Jaguar. The four-storeyed structure housed several companies, though Natalie was beginning to recognise some of the faces of people she saw intermittently in the lift, even though they did not work with her.

  It was a warm day and there was a general air of reluctance about their slow-paced return to work. Natalie herself was reluctant to go back inside the hot building. There was no air-conditioning, which meant the small windows had to be pushed open to their maximum, not that that encouraged a great deal of ventilation.

  She indulged in a wild, brief fantasy of driving some-where with Kane. To a secluded beach somewhere perhaps. Making love on the sand. The image was so vivid that she felt her cheeks burn and immediately opened her car door.

  ‘It’s true,’ Natalie said quietly, dragging her thoughts back to the present. ‘You only noticed me after I lost weight and found a boyfriend.’

  ‘You were never overweight.’

  ‘Ha!’ Natalie laughed incredulously. ‘Do you really expect me to believe that?’

  ‘No,’ Kane said, ‘but it’ s the truth nevertheless. You lost weight and you changed—you began to notice men’s reactions to you instead of simply assuming that they weren’t interested.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ Natalie denied automatically; but was he right? Confusion swept over her and her hand was trembling when she pushed the car door open.

  ‘I have to go,’ she muttered, and he caught her by her wrist, wrenching her slightly so that she had to twist around to look at him.

  ‘I’m going to see you again, Natalie. You can’t run away from me, so don’t even bother to try. And I mean what I say—you’re mine, reserved for me and no one else.’

  ‘Don’t tell me what to do!’

  ‘I want you.’

  Natalie looked at him furiously. ‘I have to go,’ she repeated, and he released her. With a swift movement, she let herself out of the car, hurrying up towards the building, resisting the temptation to look around and see whether he was still sitting there in his car, looking at her.