We Are Never Meeting in Real Life.

by Samantha Irby

  We are never meeting in real life.

  Acknowledgments

  My undying devotion to my family and my friends and my heroes. Thank you to everyone who has made me laugh and helped take care of my rotten heart + brain, especially my chosen family: Laura Daener, Anna Galland, Caitlin Pinsof, Carl Cowan, Jessie Mae Martinson, Keila Miranda, Giancarlo Olvera, Lara Crock, Emily Barish, Vanessa Robinson, Keith Ecker and Mario Calhoun, Kate Packard, Dolores and Jeff Strom, Damon Young, Kiese Laymon, Kaitlyn Greenidge, Chris Terry, Akilah Scott, Julia Goldberg, Brian Sweeney, Kirsten West Savali, Erika Nicole Kendall, Julia Borcherts, Sarah Hollenbeck, Kate Slagoski and Erin Kahoa, Fred Owens, Zachary Jones, Laura Munroe and Mark de la Vergne, Megan Stielstra and Christopher Jobson, Brooke Allen, Melissa Fisher, Jared Honn, Jeremy Owens and Andy Fine, Mariyam Hussain, Carly Oishi, Luvvie Ajayi, Danielle Hahn Chaet, Debbie Pressman, Ian Belknap, Torean Wilson, Christine Wolf, Roxane Gay, Keely Jones, Angie Frank, Katy Maher, Cara Brigandi and Ted Beranis, Marina Hayes, Mel Winer, Lindy West, Samantha Bailey, Pauline Vassiliadis, Mya Seals, Amy and Ryan Warren, Amelia Tomlinson, Mark Bose, Danielle Henderson, Regina Burris, John Sundholm, Issa Rae, Megan Reynolds and Sarah Hill, Jenny Lawson, Kelly Knabb, Jason Van Fosson and Tell Williams, Alex Hardy, Allen Makere, Joanna Parzakonis, and James E. Hagedorn.

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  I would like to thank Crissle and Kid Fury for making the brilliant podcast The Read, the only thing I consistently have to look forward to other than television courtroom dramas. Thank you to Ben Affleck for making The Accountant so good and punchy, and God bless Forest Whitaker for existing. Plus, big thanks to my imaginary friends and various Internet communities. I would not be alive if not for your hilarious memes.

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  Actually, without Drs. Lori Jackson and Manoj Mehta I would definitely be dead? Thanks for humoring my awkward jokes and not making fun of my disgusting body while prescribing many things to keep it alive. Dr. Mehta, who has looked in my gross, gaping butthole so many goddamn times and never recoiled in horror, deserves some kind of award.

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  It feels so weird and pretentious to, like, have an agent but who am I kidding: without them I would be handing out photocopies of this trash I make on whatever street corner is closest to my house, because I am very lazy. Anyway, all my love (and a portion of my earnings) to Jason Richman and Kent D. Wolf, especially Kent, who is the exact same amount of horrible I am, thus making this the greatest working partnership of all time. And, holy shit, I couldn’t have done any of this without my editor, Andrea Robinson, who didn’t seem disappointed with me during any part of this process even though she absolutely should have been.

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  THANK YOU, WIFE. YOU ARE PROBABLY THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET.

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