Back With Me: A With Me in Seattle Universe Novel (Lady Boss Press Presents: With Me in Seattle Universe)

by K. L. Humphreys

  I still haven’t decided if I should tell Silas or not. A part of me thinks that I shouldn’t tell him as I don’t want to hurt him. Finding out that he was going to be a dad and then have that promise dashed is going to burn deep, and I love Silas too much to do that to him. But there’s a bigger part of me that wants to tell him; I feel that he should know. Although I’m wondering if it’s for purely selfish reasons to have someone close to me feel this pain and help me through it.

  I’m a mess, I know I am. I hardly eat, I can’t bring myself to sit down and do it. I don’t sleep, my dreams are filled with images of my baby, and it kills me that this is the only way that I’ll ever get to see her. I’m trying my hardest to push through everything but sometimes the pain brings me to my knees.

  I’ve been reading so many online forums, it’s a place I can go to unleash everything inside anonymously. But there’s still some people that are heartless fuckers that tell you to get over it, that the baby wasn’t alive. That it doesn’t matter as the baby wasn’t born.

  IT FUCKING MATTERS!

  MY BABY WAS ALIVE INSIDE OF ME!

  I want to shout it from the rooftops, let those assholes know that no matter what, my baby mattered. To me, my baby was everything.

  My heart is never going to be whole. My life is never going to be the same. The dreams that haunt me are filled with what could have been.

  My thoughts are scattered between trying to move on and not being able to let go. I’m angry. So damn angry. Why did it have to happen to me? Why did my baby die? I had never felt so much happiness and love as I had in those eight weeks of knowing that I was pregnant. I had started to plan my life, our lives. I had so many plans and now they’re all dashed.

  I glance at my watch and sigh. Natalie will be here soon. Luke’s wife Natalie has invited me to dinner and I couldn’t say no. She’s taking me to a restaurant, saying that she wants some girl time. I’ve been back in Seattle for a few days and she’s come to see me both days, wanting to check in on me. She’s sweet, just like her husband, both of them look as though they belong on a runway. They’re gorgeous and even better as a couple.

  I step into the house and close the door behind me. The only light that’s on in my house is the lamp in the sitting room; it’s dull light just bright enough to show me the way around the room. The room is spacious, a huge sectional sofa takes up a big portion of the room. I find myself sleeping there these nights, unable to bear crawling into bed.

  I reach for my jacket and purse that I threw onto the sofa before I went to stand on my back porch. There’s a knock at the door and I pull my jacket on as I move toward the door. “Hey,” I say opening the door and see her standing there in a beautiful black dress and heels to die for.

  Her smile instantly puts me at ease. “Hey, you ready to go? Our reservation is for eight.”

  “Yeah, I’m ready.” I walk out of my house and she instantly links her arm through mine. “How are you?” I ask, I actually really like Natalie. I tend to find women overbearing, especially due to constantly working with them, but Natalie has a way of putting me at ease. She’s fun to be around.

  “Good, glad to be out. Luke’s watching the kids tonight.” The smile on her face is full of love.

  The mention of kids has my heart sinking and tears filling my eyes. God, why can’t I be normal? Why do I hurt when someone talks about children or I see a baby? Is it always going to be this way?

  “Hey what’s wrong?” she asks, her eyes full of worry.

  I shake my head, “Nothing, it’s okay.”

  She grips my arm and pulls me to a stop. “Payton, what’s wrong? Tell me, maybe I can help?” The desperation in her voice gets to me.

  “I don’t know how to say it. I feel as though I’m drowning in this pain and I can’t find a way to break through the surface.”

  “Talk to me,” she pleads, her hands tugging on mine.

  I swallow hard trying my best to figure out how to say the words. They hurt so much, only Bianca knows what happened and that was because she was there. I’m pretty sure that she’s told Jerald because I’ve been MIA for the past two weeks. Holed up in my apartment unless I absolutely have to be somewhere.

  “Two weeks ago, the doctor found out that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.” My voice is barely a whisper but I know that she heard me, her hands tighten around mine and I look up at her.

  Tears fill her eyes as her mouth opens into an O shape. “Oh, Payton,” she whispers, “I’m so very sorry for your loss. How far along were you?”

  “Twelve weeks.” My voice is hoarse. Fuck, saying the words are just so hard.

  Her arms go around me and I somehow manage to keep my composure. The tears fall softly and silently whereas inside all I want to do is sob. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Did you go through this alone?”

  I shake my head, “I had Bianca with me.”

  She frowns, “If you don’t mind me asking, where’s the baby’s dad?”

  I sigh, “That is a long story.”

  She shrugs, “We have time.” She links her arm through mine once again and we start to walk toward the restaurant. One of the many reasons that I loved this house was that it wasn’t too far to walk to the stores and restaurants but far enough away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

  I tell her everything about Silas’ and my relationship. By the time we’ve reached the restaurant I’ve poured my heart and soul out to her. I shouldn’t have burdened her with my sorrows, but it feels good to have everything off my chest.

  “I don’t want to hurt him, telling him about the baby is going to kill him.” I know it will and I don’t want to do that to him.

  We’re seated at a table and Nat’s eyes are still brimmed with tears. “You should tell him, he needs to know.”

  I sigh, “I know, I just don’t want anyone to feel this pain.”

  “I’m so sorry that you’re going through this,” she whispers as she swipes away a stray tear.

  “Thank you.” I take a deep breath and shake my head. “No more tears, no more sadness,” I tell her, I need to try to have a normal night.

  She smiles, “You’re right. Tonight we let loose. After dinner, I’m taking you to my favorite bar.”

  I shake my head, “You’re going to get me drunk.”

  She laughs, “Yep, you need to let your hair down and have an empty mind for just one night.”

  After dinner she drags me to her favorite bar, Celtic Swell. We find an empty booth at the back of the bar, “Hi, we’d like two margaritas, on the rocks, no salt, extra limes, please?” she asks the server with a smile.

  Tonight has been just what I needed, Just as Nat said, I’ve been able to let my mind be clear. The server returns with our margaritas and Nat wastes no time in drinking hers. I tentatively sip mine, trying to see if I like it or not. The taste bursts into my mouth and I drink more of it. God, no wonder Natalie’s drinking it as though it’s going out of fashion. These are delicious.

  “The next time we should go out with the girls. They’re going to love you.”

  I smile, “I’d love that. Bianca is my girl, but she lives in New York.”

  Nat nods, “While you’re here, for however long you’re here, you’ve got me.”

  Damn. She’s the fucking best. “Don’t make me cry,” I warn her. I’ve been an emotional wreck these past few weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat.

  She grins. “Are you going to talk to Silas?”

  I nod, “Yes, I sent him a message while we were having dinner. I told him that I’d call him tomorrow. I’ll get him to come over and we can talk.” My palms are sweaty just thinking about it.

  She gives me a knowing look. “It’ll be okay. If it’s not, then call me and we’ll do this again.”

  God, what did I do to deserve having a friend like her? I’ve only known her for a few days and she’s already closer to me than a lot of people are.

  “I may need it even if it does go well,” I comm
ent as I finish my margarita, I signal the server to bring us some more.

  She throws her head back and laughs, “I doubt that, if Silas is anything like the rest of the guys, he’ll not be letting you up for air.”

  My cheeks heat at her words and I bite my lip. “It’s been a long time.”

  She frowns, “The baby?”

  I grin, “We hadn’t seen each other in over three years, we met at the club and well we didn’t make it to the hotel.”

  She gasps, “What?” She glances around the bar making sure that we’re not being overheard. “Details, I want details.”

  “He dragged me into the alleyway.”

  Her eyes widen, “He did not!”

  I laugh, this is definitely what I needed. “It was amazing.”

  “I’d say it was. Damn he comes across so sweet.” She grins wider, “It’s always the quiet ones.”

  I give her a pointed look, “Like your husband you mean.”

  Oh my God. I didn’t think Natalie could blush.

  “I’ll be checking in with you tomorrow.” She tells me and I nod, I love that she wants to do that. She signals the server for another round. These margaritas are going down too easily, I’ll be feeling this tomorrow. I can’t believe we’ve already finished two of them. “Let’s have one more drink. When the girls find out that I came out without them, they’re going to be pissed.”

  “Promise them that I’ll be here the next time.”

  She nods, “That’ll help.” She finishes her drink before the server returns. “You’re going to be okay, Payton. I know that it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ll get through this.”

  “I hope so,” I reply softly.

  Tonight has helped, tomorrow will be the hardest thing I’ve had to do.

  Chapter 23

  Silas

  Pounding on the door rouses me from my sleep. I groan as I glance at the clock and see that it’s not even nine in the morning. Fuck. I get to my feet wondering what asshole is trying to beat down the fucking door. Who the hell is here?

  I pull the door open and glare at the prick that’s been knocking. But my glare turns to confusion when I see Will standing at my door. “Get dressed,” he tells me, his body locked tight.

  “What’s going on?” I demand. My gut is screaming at me, that something fucking bad is coming.

  He sighs, “Get dressed, we’re going somewhere. Don’t ask questions.”

  I narrow my eyes but turn on my heel and stalk toward my bedroom. I grab my jeans and pull them on followed by my shoes and socks. Then I grab an old tee that’s lying on the floor and throw it on.

  “Let’s go,” he tells me as he heads toward the stairs.

  I dutifully follow behind him until we get outside, but I’m getting annoyed that I’m being left in the dark. He climbs into his car, not once looking back at me. Fuck it. I climb into the passenger's side. Where the hell are we going?

  “Will, what the hell is going on?” I demand when he pulls out of the parking lot.

  “Trust me,” is all he says.

  I fucking do trust him, but right now, I’ve no fucking idea what to think. That feeling in my gut intensifies. He turns up at my apartment and demands that I come with him. Something’s not right.

  He talks about the game last night and I let him, right now the small talk is infuriating me. I bite my tongue and wait it out.

  Fifteen minutes later and he’s pulling up outside a house. I frown wondering where the hell we are.

  He shuts off the engine and turns to look at me. His face serious and his eyes full of worry. Fuck, what the hell is going on?

  "This is your chance," he begins, "this is your make or break. I don't know the ins and outs, Nat never did say but from what I have gathered she's broken Si."

  My brows knit together as I try to decipher his words. "What?"

  “If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to get everything you’ve ever wanted.” He tells me and I’m getting pissed with his cryptic shit. “Hurt her and you’re going to have a lot of angry people after you. My sister Natalie fucking loves her.”

  “Stop talking in riddles,” I yell, my anger finally coming to the forefront.

  He smirks and it just angers me further. But his next words have that anger dissipating. “Payton.”

  Everything he’s just said comes flooding back and the one thing that stands out has my heart clenching. “She’s broken?”

  He nods, giving me a sad smile. “Yeah, man. Just don’t hurt her. I don’t want to have to go against my sisters to save your ass.”

  His sister Natalie isn’t a blood sister, but that doesn’t matter. The Montgomery’s practically adopted her and she’s been a member of their family ever since. They all love her as though she’s blood family. Natalie’s best friend is Will's biological sister Jules, and Meg. Will’s wife is their friend too since college.

  “Nat knows Pay?” How the hell do they know each other?

  Will chuckles, “Yeah, go talk to your girl and sort this out. There’s a lot you’re about to find out. Your answers are behind that door.”

  “What?” I’m fucking shocked, I’m rooted to the spot.

  “I got a call from Natalie this morning. She’s worried about Payton. She asked me to bring you here. She needs you, Si. Payton needs you.”

  His words spur me into action, I push open the car door. “Thanks, man.” I slide out of the car and my feet are moving toward the house. I hear his car reversing as I knock on the door.

  It’s as though an eternity passes as I wait for the door to open. Why is she broken? What happened to her? I have some many dark thoughts running through my mind. But when it does, every thought leaves my mind. All that I see is the beautiful woman that I love so fucking much.

  The pictures I’ve seen haven’t captured the depth of her despair. The pain in her eyes tears at my fucking soul. The weight she’s lost is even more noticeable than I thought. Her collar bone is protruding from her oversized sweater. She looks so fucking broken and I hate it.

  “Si…” she whispers and I can’t bear the fucking pain in her voice. She licks her lips and glances around. “What are you doing here?” Her voice is tiny, much like how she looks right now.

  “What’s going on, baby?” I ask as I move towards her, unable to keep my hands off of her any longer. I pull her into my arms and instantly my body relaxes.

  My t-shirt is instantly soaked and I glance down to see tears streaming from her eyes. “Baby?”

  It’s as though a dam has burst, her body wracks as a sob breaks through. Her entire body shakes in my arms. I sweep her up into my arms, hating just how fucking light she is. She shouldn’t be this small. Fuck. What’s happened? Has someone hurt her?

  I kick the door closed behind me as I move into her house. She clings to my body as though she’s afraid to let go. I walk toward the sofa, not once glancing around her home, I’m too concerned about what’s going through her head.

  “Baby?” I ask once I’m seated. She’s tucked up in my lap, her hands gripping my t-shirt as she continues to sob.

  “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone,” she says through her sobs, and I tense beneath her. Tell me what? “But it’s too late now.” Her voice the softest I’ve ever heard and yet filled with so much despair.

  “What happened, baby, tell me,” I beg, trying my hardest to keep the anger out of my voice. I hate that she’s hurting, but right now I need to know what the fuck has happened.

  She’s silent for a moment as she composes herself. When she climbs off my lap and moves to the other side of the room I instantly miss her, yet I’m put on edge. I hate that there’s fucking secrets between us. The fact that she’s been here in Seattle for more than a day and hasn't told me pisses me off. Why did she keep it from me?

  “You’re going to hate me,” she whispers and I feel as though I’ve been punched in the gut. Why the fuck would I hate her?

  “Payton?” There’s a tinge of anger in my
voice.

  “I wanted to tell you when I saw you.” She’s said that before. “Christmas day was the happiest day of my life.”

  I nod, wondering where the hell this is going,

  “I finally had you back and then I got the best news. I found out I was pregnant.” Her voice is a soft whisper, I just about hear her.

  “Pregnant?” Fuck, what the hell happened to my voice?

  She nods, “Yeah, I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to tell you.”

  “You didn’t tell me?” She’s got to be at least three months pregnant. There’s no anger in my voice, I’m merely curious.

  “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone. I wanted to tell you in person. I thought you deserved that much.” She gives me a weak smile, but there’s worry in her eyes and I’m not sure why.

  I actually would have been pissed had she told me over the phone. I’m glad she waited. “We’re having a baby?” Excitement bubbles up inside, fuck, I’m going to be a dad. I stand up and go to move toward her but I stop when I see her face.

  Tears slowly fall down her face and she shakes her head. “No.” Her tongue swipes across her bottom lip.

  My heart fucking stops. What the actual fuck?

  “Silas, I went for my scan two weeks ago,” her body begins to shake, “there was no heartbeat. The baby died.”

  She falls to her knees as painful sobs wrack through her body.

  Our baby died.

  I swallow past the lump in my throat as pain like no other erupts in my chest.

  Our baby died.

  Fuck.

  Her words reverberate around my mind.

  I breathe through the hot tears that fall from my eyes.

  I’ve never felt as fucking helpless as I do in this moment.

  My girl is in a heap on the floor as she sobs, the pain of losing our baby pouring out of her. I’m lost in the turmoil of picking her up and comforting her or crawling beside her and doing the same.