Simplicissimus

by Johann Grimmelshausen

  At that time Count von der Wahl, as supreme commander of the Westphalian District, was collecting troops from all the garrisons for an expedition through the lands of the bishopric of Münster towards the River Vechte, the neighbourhood of Meppen, Lingen and those places. His principal object, however, was to dislodge two companies of Hessian cavalry which were stationed some nine or ten miles outside the city of Paderborn and were causing our people there a lot of trouble. I was with the dragoons that were detailed to join them from our regiment and once a few troops had been collected at Hamm we set off quickly and by the time the rest of our forces arrived we had stormed the quarters of the Hessian cavalry, which were in a small and poorly protected town. They tried to escape, but we drove them back into the village. We offered to let them leave without horses and weapons, but keeping whatever they could take in their belts, but they would not agree and decided to defend themselves with their carbines, like musketeers.

  So it happened that I had the chance that very night to see how my luck would be in an assault, for the dragoons were to lead the attack. And my luck held so well that Tearaway and I were among the first to enter the little town, completely unhurt. We soon cleared the streets, since everyone bearing arms was simply cut down and the townsfolk had refused to join in the defence, and started to enter the houses. Tearaway said we should find a house with a large dung-heap in front for that was where the fattest cats usually live on whom they billeted the officers. So we found one like that and, each having lit the candle in his torch, Tearaway went to inspect the stable, I the house, first agreeing that each would share what he found with the other. I called out for the master of the house but received no answer since they had all hidden. I came to a room where I found nothing but an empty bed and a kneading-trough with the lid fixed down. I prised it off, hoping to find something valuable inside, but as I lifted the lid some coal-black thing rose up towards me which I took to be Lucifer himself. I swear I never had such a fright in all my life as when I saw this black fiend appear so unexpectedly before me. Despite the shock I raised the axe with which I had opened the trough, saying, ‘If this doesn’t kill you may the powers of hell do it for me.’ However, I didn’t have the heart to bring it down on his head. He fell to his knees, raised his hands and said, ‘Master, spare me for the love of God.’ As soon as I heard him mention God and beg for his life I knew he wasn’t a devil, so I told him to get out of the trough. He did so and came with me, as naked as the day he was born. I cut off a piece of my candle and gave it to him to light my way which he did, most obediently, leading me to a small room where I found the master with all his household who stared at the spectacle and trembled as he begged for mercy. This was readily granted since he handed over to me the Hessian captain’s baggage, which included a fairly well filled, locked trunk; anyway we were not allowed to harm the townspeople. He reported that the captain and all his men, apart from one servant and the negro I had found, had gone to their posts to defend the town.

  While all this was going on Tearaway had caught the above-mentioned servant in the stable with six fine horses, ready saddled. We brought these into the house, told the negro to get dressed and ordered the master of the house to serve us the food he had prepared for the Hessian captain. Unfortunately, once the gates had been opened, guards posted and our General, Count von der Wahl, entered the town he made his quarters in the house we were in so that we had to go out in the dark and look for somewhere else to sleep. We found a billet with our comrades, who had also taken part in the assault, and after Tearaway and I had divided up our booty we spent the rest of the night eating and drinking. My share was the negro and the two best horses, one of which was a Spanish stallion on which any soldier would be proud to face the enemy and on which I made a fine show later on. From the trunk I took various valuable rings and a portrait of the Prince of Orange in a gold case set with rubies and left the rest for Tearaway. If I had wanted to dispose of everything, including the horses, it would have brought me over 200 ducats. The most hard-earned part of the my booty, the negro, I presented to the General, who gave me a mere twenty-four thalers for him.

  From there we rode quickly to the River Ems but found very little to do. As we then passed close to Recklinghausen I got permission to go with Tearaway to visit the priest from whom we had stolen the bacon. We had a very enjoyable time there and I told him how the negro had given me the same fright he and his cook had got from me. As a farewell gift I gave him a fine repeater on a chain that I had also taken from the Hessian captain’s trunk. In that way everywhere I went I made friends of people who would otherwise have had good reason to hate me.

  Chapter 9

  An unequal contest in which the weaker party is victorious and the conqueror is arrested

  As my good fortune increased, so did my pride and it led, as was inevitable, to a fall. We were camped about half an hour’s distance outside Rehnen and my comrade and I asked for and were granted permission to go there to have some repairs done to our arms. As our real intention was to have a good time together, we went straight to the best inn and ordered musicians to play as we drank our wine and beer. Things got pretty lively and anything that could be had for money, we had; I even stood rounds for men from other regiments, just like a young prince with land and subjects and lots of money to get through each year. Because of this we got better service than a party of cavalrymen who were not as wild as we were. That annoyed them and they started to pick a quarrel with us. ‘How is it’, one asked, ‘that these footsloggers’ – they thought we were musketeers; no beast is as like a musketeer as a dragoon and when a dragoon falls off his horse a musketeer gets up – ‘can make such a show with their few coppers?’

  ‘That milksop’, replied another, ‘must be a country squire whose mother has sent some pin money and he’s using it to treat his comrades so they’ll pull him out of the mud or carry him across the next ditch they come to.’

  This was aimed at me since they took me for a young nobleman. The girl who was serving us told me this, but since I hadn’t heard it myself I couldn’t do anything about it. All I did was to have a large beer tankard filled with wine and to pass it round with a toast to all honest musketeers, making such a racket that no one could hear himself speak. That made them even more angry and they said so that everyone could hear, ‘What a life these footsloggers lead!’

  ‘And what business is it of you bootblacks?’ replied Tearaway, but they let it pass; he had such a grim, threatening expression on his face none of them felt they wanted to cross him. After a while, however, another could not resist shooting off his mouth, a rather well-built fellow who said, ‘I suppose if these wall-shitters can’t cut a dash on their own dung-heap’ – he assumed we belonged to the garrison since our clothes were not as weather-worn as those of musketeers who spend all their time in the field – ‘then where can they show their faces? Everyone knows that as soon as they get onto a battlefield they fall to the cavalry just as surely as a pigeon falls to a goshawk.’

  ‘We’re the ones who have to take towns and fortresses’, I replied, ‘and they’re given to us to guard, whereas you cavalry couldn’t drive the horse out of a one-horse town. Why shouldn’t we enjoy ourselves in a place that belongs to us more than to you?’

  ‘The fortresses go with the side that is master in the field’, the trooper replied, ‘and that means we have to win battles. I wouldn’t be afraid of three children like you, muskets and all. I’d pin two to my hat and ask the third where all the rest were. And if I was sitting next to you’, he added with derision, ‘I’d give your little lordship a couple round the ear on account.’

  ‘Although I’m willing to bet I have a pair of pistols as good as yours’, I answered, ‘and although I’m not a cavalryman, but just a cross between you and a musketeer, this milksop is ready to meet a braggart on horseback like you, with all your weapons, in open combat, on foot and armed with just his musket.’

  ‘I say you are a cowardly rogue’, said the troo
per, ‘if you don’t back up those words with deeds like a man of nobility and honour right away.’

  At that I threw my glove to him and said, ‘If I can’t get this back from you in the field with my musket and on foot, then you have the right to call me publicly by the name you have just had the presumption to give me.’

  So we paid the innkeeper and the trooper prepared his carbine and pistols, I my musket. And as he rode off with his comrades to the place we had agreed on, he told Tearaway he’d better start digging my grave, but Tearaway replied that it was the trooper who should be getting one of his own men to dig one for himself. To me, however, he said I had been foolish to provoke them like that and he was afraid I was about to meet my maker. I, however, just laughed. I had long since worked out how I would deal with a fully armed trooper if I should be attacked by one in the field when I was on foot and only had my musket. By the time we came to the place where the fight was to happen I had already loaded my musket with two balls, primed it and smeared the lid of the priming pan with tallow, as careful musketeers do in rainy weather to protect the touch-hole and the powder in the pan from damp.

  Before the duel began, our comrades agreed that it should take place in a field surrounded by a fence, that one of us should enter from the west, the other from the east, and that we should treat each other as if we were facing an enemy soldier. They further stipulated that none of the soldiers watching the fight should try to help their comrade, either before, during or after the contest, nor attempt to avenge his death or any wound he might receive. After they had sealed this agreement with a handshake, my opponent and I shook hands and each gave the other in advance his forgiveness if he should be killed. For two supposedly rational men it was the most absurd piece of foolishness. Each hoped to demonstrate the superiority of his arm of the service, as if the entire honour and reputation of both depended on the outcome of our iniquitous affair.

  I entered my side of the field with both matches burning, and as soon as I saw my opponent I made as if to shake out the old priming powder as I walked. I then pretended to replace it, but in fact I just poured some powder onto the lid of the pan, blew up my match and checked the pan with two fingers, as is the habit of musketeers, my opponent keeping a close watch on me all the time. Before I could see the whites of his eyes I took aim and burnt off the priming powder on the pan lid. My opponent, assuming my musket had misfired and the touch-hole would be blocked, charged straight at me, pistol in hand, all too eager to make me pay for my presumption. Before he realised what was happening, I had uncovered the pans and fired again, stopping him dead in his tracks.

  Then I retired to join my comrades, who all embraced me. The other troopers saw to the body, freeing it from the stirrup, and behaved decently towards us, returning my glove with great praise. But just at the moment when I thought my reputation was at its height, twenty-five musketeers came from Rehnen and arrested me and my comrades. I was shackled and sent to headquarters since all duels were forbidden on pain of death.

  Chapter 10

  The general spares the Huntsman’s life and holds out hope of great things for him

  As our general was a stickler for discipline, I was afraid I might end up minus my head. Yet I still had hopes of escaping with my life since, although still young, I had always behaved well in the face of the enemy and gained a great reputation for courage. However, my hopes were rather uncertain because this kind of thing was happening every day, so that it was becoming necessary to make an example of someone.

  At that time we had just blockaded a fortified town, but the enemy, knowing we had no heavy artillery, refused to surrender. Count von der Wahl moved all his forces there and sent a trumpeter to demand they hand over the town, threatening to storm it if they did not. The only reply was the following letter:

  Most noble Count von der Wahl,

  I hereby acknowledge receipt of your Excellency’s communication and the request in the name of His Imperial Majesty contained therein. However I do not need to remind your Excellency how dishonourable and irresponsible it would be for a soldier to hand over such a place as this to the enemy without pressing need. In consideration of this, your Excellency will not, I hope, take it amiss if I presume to remain here until your Excellency has sufficient forces to take this stronghold. If, however, there is any service it is in my limited power to render your Excellency, apart from things touching my duty, be assured that I remain

  Your Excellency’s most obedient servant,

  signed X.Y.Z.

  This led to great discussion in our camp about the town. On the one hand it was hardly advisable to leave it as it was, on the other to try to storm it without a breach would cost much blood and the outcome would still be uncertain; and it would take a great deal of effort, time and expense to bring up the guns and equipment from Münster or Hamm. While everybody, from the general to the lowest private, was deliberating on this, it seemed to me it would be a good idea to use the opportunity to get myself out of prison. So I racked my brains to think up a way of fooling the enemy into thinking we had the guns, which was all we lacked. One immediately occurred to me, so I sent word to my lieutenant-colonel that I had a plan for taking the place without trouble or expense, if I would be pardoned and set at liberty.

  Some of the experienced campaigners laughed at this and said, ‘A hanged man will even clutch at the noose. This young lad thinks he can talk his way out of it.’ But the lieutenant-colonel and others who knew me took my proposal seriously. He went to see the general himself and told him all he could about me. Since the general had already heard of the Huntsman, he had me temporarily freed from my fetters and brought to him. When I arrived, the general was at table and the lieutenant-colonel was telling him about my first spell on sentry duty at St. James’s Gate in Soest the previous spring. A violent storm had suddenly broken, with thunder and lightning, sending everyone rushing from the fields and gardens into the city. In the great crush of people on foot and on horseback I had had the presence of mind to call out the guard, because that kind of throng provided an ideal opportunity to take the town. ‘The last of all to come’, he went on, ‘was an old woman who was soaking wet. As she went past the Huntsman she said, “I’ve been feeling this storm in my back for the last fourteen days.” The Huntsman happened to have a stick in his hand, and when he heard her say that he hit her across the back with it and said, “Why didn’t you let it out earlier, you old witch, instead of waiting till I’m on sentry duty?” And when his officer told him to stop, he replied, “It serves the old crow right. She must have heard everyone crying out for rain a month ago. Why didn’t she let them have it sooner? The barley and hops might have done better.”’ Count von der Wahl, although he was in general a rather serious-minded person, laughed out loud at this and I thought to myself, if the lieutenant is telling him that piece of tomfoolery then he’ll have surely not kept quiet about all my other silly pranks. However, I was still shown in.

  When the general asked me what I had to say, I replied, ‘Sir, although your Excellency’s warranted ban on duelling and my crime mean that my life is justly forfeit, yet the loyalty I owe my most gracious lord, His Majesty the Holy Roman Emperor, until my dying day, demands that I do anything in my power, however feeble it be, to injure the enemy and further the interests and aid the forces of His Aforesaid Majesty, the Holy Roman Emperor.’ The Count interrupted me and asked, ‘Are you not the man who brought me the negro recently?’

  ‘Yes, sir’, I replied.

  ‘In that case’, he said, ‘perhaps your zeal and loyalty do merit a reprieve. What is your plan for getting the enemy out of this place without any significant loss of time or lives?’

  ‘Since the town cannot resist heavy artillery, my humble opinion is that the enemy would quickly come to terms if they believed we had the guns.’

  ‘Even a fool could have told me that’, the Count replied, ‘but who is going to persuade them that we do have them?’

  ‘Their own eyes’, I
answered. ‘I have examined their look-out post through my telescope and they can be deceived by fixing some pieces of timber shaped like water-pipes to carts and having them drawn by a strong team of horses. They will believe it is heavy artillery soon enough, especially if your Excellency has some earthworks thrown up, as if you meant to position them there.’

  ‘But my dear young chap’, said the Count, ‘they’re not children in there. They won’t believe a piece of bluff like that, they’ll want to hear the guns. And if the trick fails’, he said, turning to the officers standing around, ‘we’ll be the laughing stock of the whole world.’

  ‘Sir’, I replied, ‘I’ll give them guns that will make their ears ring if I can just have a few blunderbusses and a fairly large barrel. The sound will be the only effect, of course, and if, contrary to expectation, all we get from it is mockery, then let it be directed at me and, since I am condemned to die anyway, I will take it to the grave with me.’

  The Count was still not keen on the idea, but the lieutenant-colonel talked him round, saying I was blessed with such luck in this kind of thing that he had no doubt this stratagem would be successful too. The general ordered him, since he believed it was feasible, to organise the matter, adding, as a joke, that any honour from it would redound to him alone.