Simplicissimus

by Johann Grimmelshausen

  As I reported at the end of the last chapter, I was allowed out on patrol, a privilege which in garrisons is not granted to any Tom, Dick or Harry, but only to responsible soldiers. One day, then, nineteen of us were scouting along the Rhine above Strasbourg, looking out for a boat from Basle which was supposed to be secretly carrying officers and goods belonging to the Weimar army. Upstream from Ottenheim we got a fishing dinghy to take us across to an island in the river which was well situated for forcing approaching ships to land. The fisherman took the first ten over, but when one of the soldiers, who did know how to handle a boat, was ferrying the other nine of us across, the dinghy capsized, tipping us into the Rhine. I didn’t bother about the others but just concentrated on saving myself. However, although I fought with all my strength and all the skill of a good swimmer, the river tossed me about like a ball, throwing me up to the surface, then down to the bottom again. I struggled so manfully that I often came up for breath, but if the water had been just a bit colder I would not have been able to keep going so long and come out of it alive. I kept trying to reach the bank, but the swirling current stopped me, sweeping me from one side to the other. I reached Goldscheuer very quickly, but it seemed such a long time to me that I began to despair of my life However, after I had passed the village and was already resigning myself to floating under the bridge at Strasbourg, dead or alive, I saw not far away a big tree with branches sticking up out of the water. The current was strong, but heading straight for it, so I summoned up all the strength I had left to get to it. Through my efforts and the force of the water I managed to reach the largest branch, which I had initially taken for the tree itself, and clamber up onto it. Unfortunately the waves and eddies pulled and tugged at it so much that it was constantly bobbing up and down, making my stomach churn so that I could have spewed up my lungs and liver. Everything was dancing before my eyes and I had difficulty holding on. I would almost have preferred to be back in the water except that I could not face even a hundredth part of what I had already been through. So I stayed where I was, in the uncertain hope God might send someone to rescue me, for that was the only way I could see that I would come out of it alive. But my conscience gave me little comfort, reminding me that I had thrown away the chance of His mercy through my dissolute life over the past few years. Yet I still hoped I might get better than I deserved and began to pray as fervently as if I had been brought up in a monastery. I determined to live a more God-fearing life in future and made several vows: I renounced the soldier’s life and forswore plundering for ever, throwing away my cartridge pouch and knapsack; I insisted I would become a hermit again, do penance for my sins and spend the rest of my days thanking God for the rescue I hoped He would send. I sat for two or three hours on that branch, wavering between fear and hope, when the very ship came down the Rhine that we had been sent to ambush. I set up a pathetic wailing, begging them in the name of God and all that was holy to come and help me. Their course took them close to me so that everyone on the ship could see the danger and wretched situation I was in. They were moved to pity and pulled in to the shore to discuss how to go about rescuing me.

  This took quite some time. The branches and roots of the tree caused so much turbulence that it was too dangerous for anyone to swim out to me, or to come close in a boat, large or small. Finally they sent two men in a dinghy upstream from the tree who let out a rope which I managed, with great difficulty, to grasp and tie round my waist. They then pulled me into the dinghy, like a hooked fish, and took me to the boat.

  Having thus escaped death, it would have been right and proper for me to fall on my knees on the bank and thank God in His goodness for saving me. I ought also to have made an immediate start on mending my ways, as I had vowed and promised in my hour of need. Like hell I did! When they asked me who I was and how I had come to be in that situation, I straight away started lying like anything. If, I thought to myself, you tell then you were a member of a platoon that was going to ambush them they’ll throw you straight back in the Rhine. So I pretended I was an out-of-work organist heading for Strasbourg to find work in a school or such on the other side of the Rhine. I claimed I had been captured by a patrol, robbed and thrown into the Rhine, which had carried me down to the tree. I backed up my lies with plausible detail and oaths so that they believed me and very kindly gave me food and drink to revive me, which I was certainly in need of.

  Most people disembarked at the customs house in Strasbourg and I did the same. As I was thanking them warmly I noticed a young merchant among them whose face, gait and gestures seemed familiar. I was sure I had seen him before, but couldn’t remember where. When he spoke, however, I realised it was the cornet who had captured me on my way back from Cologne. I could not imagine how such a brave young soldier had become a merchant, especially as he was of gentle birth. Curious to ascertain whether my eyes and ears had deceived me or not, I went up to him and said, ‘It is you, Monsieur Schönstein, isn’t it?’ to which he replied, ‘I’m no von Schönstein, I’m a merchant.’

  ‘And I’m no Huntsman of Soest’, I said, ‘but an organist or, rather, a common vagrant.’

  ‘My brother!’ he replied. ‘What in the devil’s name are you doing wandering round like this?’

  ‘Brother’, I said, ‘as Heaven seems to have appointed you to save my life – it’s happened twice now – my destiny obviously requires me not to be too far away from you.’

  At that we embraced, like two friends who had sworn to love one another until death. I went with him to his lodgings and told him everything that had happened to me since I had left Lippstadt to fetch my treasure from Cologne. I did not conceal the fact that I had been with a patrol that was lying in wait for their ship and what had happened to us, though I did keep quiet about my activities in Paris in case he let it out in Lippstadt and got me into trouble with my wife.

  For his part he told me he had been sent by the Hessian generals to report to Duke Bernhard of Weimar on matters of great importance concerning the wars and to discuss plans for future campaigns with him. Having done this, he was now returning disguised as a merchant, as I could see. In addition, he told me that my darling had been expecting a child when he left, that both she and her parents and relatives were in good health, and that the colonel was still keeping the ensign’s post open for me. He also teased me, saying the smallpox had so ruined my looks that neither my wife nor the other women in Lippstadt would recognise me as the Huntsman. After that we agreed I should stay with him and take the opportunity to get back to Lippstadt, which was what I wanted. Since my clothes were in tatters, he advanced me some money to clothe myself like a merchant’s assistant.

  But if something is not to be, then it is not to be. While we were going down the Rhine and the ship was searched at Rheinhausen, the soldiers from Philippsburg recognised me and took me back to Philippsburg where I had to become a musketeer again. The cornet was as dismayed as I was at our being separated once more, but could not do much to help me since he had to make sure he got through himself.

  Chapter 11

  Why men of the cloth should never eat rabbits that have been caught in a noose

  Thus I survived the great physical danger, but as far as the danger to my soul was concerned I must tell you that as a musketeer I became really wild, without the least concern for either God or God’s word. No deed was too evil for me; forgotten all the goodness and loving kindness I had received from Him. I was not bothered about this world or the next, but lived from day to day like a brute beast. No one would ever have believed I had been brought up by a pious hermit. I rarely went to church and never to confession. I cared nothing for the welfare of my own soul, which made me all the more of a danger to my fellow men. If I could trick anyone, then I did so and prided myself on it, so that no one who had dealings with me came away unscathed. I often got a good beating for this and was made to ride the wooden horse even more often. I was threatened with the gallows or the strappado, but it had no effect, I continued on my in
iquitous way so that it looked as if I were determined to take the fast road to hell. Although I committed no crime by which I would have deserved death, my behaviour was so infamous that it would be almost impossible to imagine a greater reprobate (apart from sorcerers and sodomites).

  I came to the attention of the regimental chaplain, who was a real zealot. At Easter he sent for me and asked why I had not come to confession or communion, but I treated his well-meant admonitions as I had done those of the pastor in Lippstadt so that the poor priest got nowhere with me. Finally, coming to the conclusion that Christ and baptism were wasted on me, he exclaimed, ‘Oh, you miserable wretch! I thought you sinned out of ignorance, but now I see you do it out of wickedness and are determined to continue in your sinful ways. Do you think anyone will take pity on your poor soul and try to save it from damnation? Before God and the world, I swear that it is none of my fault. I have done everything I can to ensure your salvation and would have continued to do so undaunted. I am afraid, however, that my only duty will be to make sure your body, when your soul leaves it in such an unregenerate state, is not buried in consecrated ground with other Christians, but hauled off to the carrion pit with the carcasses of dead beasts or to the place where the ungodly and those who give way to despair are disposed of.’

  This solemn threat was no more effective than his previous exhortations, though the only reason was that I was ashamed to confess my sins. What a fool I was! I would often recount my villainies to a whole company and lie to make them seem worse, but now that I had to mend my ways and humbly confess my sins to a single person, as God’s intermediary, in order to receive forgiveness, I stubbornly kept them locked away saying, ‘I am a soldier and I serve the emperor. If I die as a soldier it will not be surprising if I have to find a grave outside the churchyard like other soldiers. We cannot always be buried in consecrated ground, but often have to make do with a pit on the battlefield, a ditch or even the bellies of wolves and carrion crows.’

  With that parting shot I left the chaplain. His zealous efforts got him nothing from me but the refusal of a rabbit he begged me to let him have. I told him it had hung itself in a noose and killed itself and that it would be wrong for one who had given in to despair to be buried in consecrated ground.

  Chapter 12

  How Simplicius was unexpectedly relieved of his musket

  So there was no improvement in my conduct; in fact, the longer things went on, the worse I got. The colonel once said to me that since I refused to behave properly he was minded to give me a dishonourable discharge. Knowing he did not mean it seriously, I replied I would be quite happy with that as long as the discharge did not come from a gun. He dropped the idea, knowing full well that if he let me go he would not be punishing me but doing me a favour. I had to remain a musketeer against my will and starve until well into the summer. But the closer Count Götz came with his army, the closer was my liberation. When he set up his headquarters in Bruchsal, Herzbruder, whom I had helped with my money in the camp outside Magdeburg, was sent by his commander on business to the fortress, where he was received with great honour. I happened to be on sentry duty outside the colonel’s quarters and recognised him as soon a I saw him, despite the black velvet coat he was wearing. But I could not bring myself to address him at once. I was afraid that, given the way of the world, he would be ashamed of me or refuse to recognise me, since from his dress he had clearly reached a high rank while I was only a lowly musketeer. After I had been relieved, I checked his name and rank with his servants, just to make sure I was not confusing him with someone else before speaking to him. However, I still lacked the nerve to address him to his face so I wrote a letter which I gave his manservant to hand to him next morning:

  Monsieur etc,

  If it should please Your Honour to use your great influence to deliver a man – whom you have already rescued from bonds and fetters during the Battle of Wittstock – from the most wretched state in the world, into which he has been cast by the whim of fickle fortune, it would be easily done and you would gain the eternal thanks of one who is already your faithful servant but now signs himself,

  Yours despairingly,

  Simplicius Simplicissimus.

  As soon as he read it he sent for me and said, ‘Who is the man who gave you this letter, my friend?’

  ‘Sir’, I replied, ‘he is a captive in this fortress.’

  ‘Well then’, he said, ‘go and tell him I will help to free him, even if the noose is already round his neck.’

  ‘Sir’, I replied, ‘that will not be necessary. I am poor Simplicius myself. I have come to thank you for releasing me at Wittstock and to ask you to release me again, this time from this musket which I have been forced to bear against my will.’

  He did not let me finish, but hugged me in an embrace the warmth of which showed his willingness to help me. He assured me he would do everything a true friend would do, and before he asked me how I came to be serving in the garrison, he sent his servant to the Jew to buy a horse and clothes for me. While we were waiting for him to return I told Herzbruder everything that had happened to me since the death of his father in Magdeburg. When he heard that I was the Huntsman of Soest, of whom he had heard many famous exploits, he regretted that he had not known sooner, since he could have helped me to the command of a company.

  When the Jew arrived with a whole sackful of soldier’s clothes he picked out the best, told me to put them on and took me to see the colonel. ‘Sir’, he said to him, ‘in your garrison I came across this man to whom I am under such a great obligation that I cannot allow him to remain in such a base position, even if his qualities did not deserve better. I therefore ask if you would do me the favour of finding him a better place, Colonel, or of allowing me to take him with me so I can help further his career in the army, for which you perhaps lack the opportunity here.’

  The colonel was so astonished to hear someone praise me that he crossed himself. ‘My dear sir’, he said, ‘you will forgive me if I assume this is just a test to see if I am as willing to be of use to you as you deserve. If that is the case, then ask for anything it is my power to do and you will see how willing I am. As far as this fellow is concerned however, he is not really under my command but belongs, from what he claims, to a regiment of dragoons. Added to that, he is such a tiresome pest that he has given my provost-sergeant more trouble since he has been here than a whole company. He seems to be completely incorrigible. Every time he’s put down he bounces straight back up again.’ The colonel finished with a laugh and wished me luck.

  But that was not enough for Herzbruder. He asked the colonel to invite me to dine with them, which the latter also agreed to. His purpose in doing this was to tell the colonel, in my presence, everything he had heard in Westphalia about me from Count von der Wahl and the commandant of Soest, which he did to such good effect that all those present were forced to conclude that I was a good soldier. At the same time I kept modestly in the background so that the colonel and his officers must have thought that the change of clothes had brought a change of personality. When he had finished, the colonel then wanted to know how I had acquired the name of doctor, so I told him all about my journey from Paris to Philippsburg and how I had cheated the peasants to fill my belly, which they found very amusing. Finally I confessed that it had been my intention to vex the colonel with all kinds of mischief until he was so tired of me that he would have to expel me from the garrison just to get peace from all the complaints about me.

  Then the colonel recounted some of my misdeeds since I had been in the garrison, how I had boiled up some peas, poured a layer of lard over them and sold it for pure lard; how I had sold sacks of sand as salt by filling the tops of the sacks with salt; he told them some of the hoaxes I had played on people and how I had annoyed them by circulating lampoons. They spent the whole meal talking about me and if I had not had such a highly respected friend, all my activities would have been regarded as punishable offences. I looked on it as an analogy t
o what happens at court when a rogue has the prince’s favour.

  After the meal we found that the Jew had no horse Herzbruder thought good enough for me. However, he stood in such high regard that the colonel could not risk losing his favour and presented him with a steed, complete with saddle and bridle, from his own stable. This my lord Simplicius mounted and rode joyfully out of the fortress with his Herzbruder. Some of my former comrades wished me the best of luck while others, green with envy, muttered something about fortune favouring the knave.

  Chapter 13

  Describes the Order of Merode’s Brethren

  While we were riding, Herzbruder and I agreed that I should pretend to be his cousin so that I would be treated with greater respect. He promised to buy me another horse, together with a groom, and send me to Colonel Neuneck’s regiment where I could serve as a volunteer until there was an officer’s post free in the army, which he would help procure for me.

  In no time at all I looked like a proper soldier again, but I saw very little in the way of action that summer, apart from helping to steal a few cows here and there in the Black Forest and getting myself thoroughly acquainted with the Breisgau and Alsace. I had very little luck at all and after my horse and groom had been captured by Weimar troops at Kenzingen I made much greater demands on the one I had left and ended up riding it into the ground and joining the Order of Merode’s Brethren. Herzbruder would have been willing to buy me a new mount, but since I had got through the two horses so quickly he decided to let me sweat it out for a while until I learnt to be more cautious. I was quite happy with that. I found my new companions such congenial company that I wished no better until it was time to go into winter quarters.