Simplicissimus

by Johann Grimmelshausen

  Eventually, however, I came to the conclusion that there was no better subject than theology if you make use of it to love and serve God. Following its guidelines I worked out a way of life which could bring men closer to the angels: if, namely, you brought together a group of men and women, both married and single, who, under the direction of a wise leader, were willing like the Anabaptists to produce everything they needed by the work of their own hands and spend the rest of their time praising God and seeking salvation. I had previously seen people living this kind of life on the Anabaptist farms in Hungary, and if these good people had not been committed to other false and heretical doctrines abhorrent to the Christian church I would willingly have joined them, or at least praised their way of life as the most pleasing to God in the whole world.

  They reminded me very much of the way Josephus describes the Jewish sect of the Essenes. They had great riches and a surplus of food, but they did not squander them; there was no swearing, muttering or impatience, not a single non-essential word was heard. I saw their craftsmen busy in the workshops as if their lives depended on it, their schoolmaster was teaching the young people as if they were his own children, and nowhere were the sexes mixed, men and women had their own places and their own tasks to perform. I found rooms kept for women in confinement who were cared for by other women without any help from their husbands, and there were other separate rooms that contained nothing but cradles with babies that were looked after by women whose job it was to clean and feed them so that all their mothers had to do was come at three set times a day to breast-feed them. The business of looking after the women in confinement and the babies was reserved to the widows; other women I saw doing nothing but spinning in a room with a over hundred spindles. Of the rest, each had her own responsibility: one washed clothes, another made the beds, a third kept the cattle, a fourth washed pots, a fifth waited at table, a sixth looked after the linen and so on. It was the same for the men, each had his own appointed occupation. If anyone should fall ill they had a male or female nurse to look after them, both of whom were were trained in general medicine and pharmacy. In fact, however, their diet was so healthy and their lives so well-ordered that I saw many more who were still hale and hearty at a ripe old age than you find elsewhere.

  They had set times for eating and sleeping, but not a single minute for playing or going for walks, apart from the young people, who went out for an hour after lunch with their tutor for the sake of their health, but had to pray and sing hymns while they were doing so. Anger, envy, revenge, jealousy, enmity were unknown, there was no concern for worldly goods, no pride and no remorse! In short, it was a world of content and harmony, the sole purpose of which seemed to be to contribute honourably to the increase of the human race and the kingdom of God. The only time a husband saw his wife was at the set time when they were in their bedroom, which contained nothing but a bed and bedclothes, a chamber pot, a jug of water and a white towel so they could go to bed and to work in the morning with clean hands. They all called each other brother and sister and lived together in such virtuous companionship it never led to unchastity.

  I would have dearly loved to be able to achieve such a blessed life as these Anabaptist heretics; to me it even seemed superior to a monastic existence. ‘If you could manage to lead such an honest, Christian life under your church’, I said to myself, ‘you would be another St. Dominic or St. Francis, and if you could only convert the Anabaptists so they would teach your own people their way of life, what bliss that would be! Or, failing that, if you could persuade your fellow Christians to lead such honest, Christian lives as these Anabaptists, would that not be a great achievement?’ Then I thought, ‘You fool, what concern of yours are other people? You might as well become a Capuchin friar, since you can’t stand women any more.’ But I soon changed my mind again and told myself, ‘You might feel differently tomorrow. Who knows what paths you might tread in future to follow Christ’s teaching? Today your inclination is toward chastity, tomorrow you could well be burning with desire.’

  I spent a long time musing over such thoughts. I would gladly have devoted my farm and my whole wealth to a united Christian community, but my Da told me straight out that I would never succeed in getting such a group together.

  Chapter 20

  Concerns an amusing little trip to Moscow

  That autumn French, Swedish and Hessian troops approached, to recover their strength and at the same time blockade the nearby imperial city of Offenburg, reputedly founded by and named after an ancient English king. Everyone fled to the high woods, taking their cattle and most valuable possessions with them; I did the same as my neighbours and left the house fairly empty. A Swedish colonel on half pay was quartered in it and found some books still in the cupboard, as I had not had time to take them all with me. Among them were a few mathematical and geometrical treatises and some on fortifications which were mainly used by engineers. The colonel concluded from this that his lodgings did not belong to an ordinary farmer and so began to make enquiries about me and tried to contact me. Through a mixture of polite invitations and threats he got me to go to my farm to see him. He was very civil towards me, ordering his servants not to break or damage anything unnecessarily, and this persuaded me to tell him about myself, especially my family background. At this he expressed his surprise that I should prefer to live among peasants while there was a war going on and watch someone else tie his horse up in my stable when I could be stabling my own in another’s and enjoying a more honourable position at the same time. I should buckle on my sword again, he said, and use the talents God had given me instead of letting them waste away by the fireside or behind the plough. He was certain that if I were to enter the Swedish service my talents and knowledge of warfare would soon take me to high rank.

  My response to all this was cool. Promotion, I said, was a distant prospect if one had no friend at court to put in a word for one. To this he replied that my abilities would soon bring me both friends and promotion. In addition he had no doubt I would find relatives in the main Swedish main army who counted for something, for there were many Scottish noblemen there. He himself, he went on, had been promised a regiment by Torstenson and if the promise was kept, which he had no reason to doubt, he would make me his lieutenant-colonel. I allowed myself to be tempted by these fine words. Since peace looked very unlikely, I was faced with the prospect of further billeting and complete ruin, so I resolved to take up arms again and promised the colonel I would join him if he kept his promise about the position of lieutenant-colonel in his regiment.

  And so the die was cast. I sent for my Da, or foster-father, who was with my cattle in Baiersbronn, and made over my farm to him and his wife, with the proviso that after his death my bastard, Simplicius, who had been left on my door-step, would inherit it, there being no legitimate heirs. By the time I had given instructions for the upbringing and education of my bastard son, gathered together what money and jewels I had and saddled my horse, the blockade had been unexpectedly lifted, so that before we knew it we were marching to rejoin the main army. I acted as steward to the colonel, keeping his whole household supplied by robbing and stealing – what the military call foraging.

  Torstenson’s promises, of which he had made so much on my farm, were nothing like so firm as he had pretended; indeed, I had the impression he was rather looked down on. ‘Damn!’, he said to me, ‘some wretch must have been running me down to the general, I can see I won’t be staying here for long.’ Since he suspected I would not sit around waiting for ever, he forged letters suggesting he had been charged with recruiting a new regiment in Livonia, where he came from, and used them to persuade me to embark with him at Wismar and sail to Livonia. Things were just as bad there. He not only had no regiment to recruit, he was a penniless nobleman and everything he had came from his wife.

  Although I had been deceived twice and taken so far from home, I went along with him for a third time. He showed me letters he had received from Moscow in which
(he claimed) he had been offered a senior position in the army. At least that was how he translated them and went on and on about how excellent the pay would be. Since he was setting off with his wife and children, I assumed he wouldn’t be going without good reason, and went with him, full of optimism. Anyway, I could see no means of getting back to Germany. However, as soon as we had crossed the Russian frontier and met various discharged German soldiers, especially officers, I started to get worried and said to the colonel, ‘What the hell are we doing? We’ve left the place where there’s a war going on to go to a country that’s at peace, where soldiers have no value and are being discharged.’ However, he continued to reassure me, saying I should leave everything to him, he knew his way around much better than these fellows who were not up to much at all.

  After we arrived safely in Moscow I immediately realised it was hopeless. It was true the colonel conferred daily with dignitaries, but more with bishops than with boyars. I didn’t like this hobnobbing with priests, but it didn’t arouse my suspicions, though I did spend a long time thinking about it, without being able to work out what he was up to. Finally he informed me there were no prospects in war and that his conscience was urging him to embrace the Greek Orthodox religion. Since he could not help me as he had promised, his honest advice was to do the same. His Majesty the Czar had already had good reports of my character and abilities, and if I showed willing, he would graciously confer upon me, as a gentleman of rank, a fine estate with many serfs. It was an offer I could hardly afford to refuse, he went on, since any man would be better advised to have such a great monarch as a bounteous lord than as an ill-disposed prince.

  I was dismayed at this and didn’t know what to say. If we had been anywhere else, the colonel would have felt my answer rather than heard it. In the circumstances, however, given that I was virtually a prisoner in that place, I had to change my tune. I remained silent for a long time before deciding on my answer. I had come, I finally told him, imagining I would serve His Majesty the Czar as a soldier and he, the colonel, was the one who had persuaded me to do so. Since the czar had no need of my services, there was nothing I could do about it, nor could I blame him for having made such a long journey in vain as he had not summoned me here. That he condescended to show me such royal favour was an honour I could boast about but not, with all due respect, accept, since I could not at the moment bring myself to change my religion. I only wished I was back home on my farm in the Black Forest and not having to rely on others or cause them inconvenience.’

  ‘You must do as you think best, sir’, he replied. ‘However, I would have thought that if God and fortune smiled on you, you would have had the grace to appreciate it. But if you don’t want to be helped, nor to live like a prince, I hope you will at least recognise that I have spared no pains to do my best for you.’ With that he made a low bow and walked out, leaving me sitting there, and not even giving me time to accompany him to the door.

  While I was still sitting there perplexed and reviewing my situation, I heard two Russian carriages pull up outside our lodgings. I went to the window and saw my good colonel and his sons get into one, his wife and daughters into the other. The carriages bore the Czar’s livery and contained several priests, who received the couple with expressions of obsequious good will.

  Chapter 21

  Simplicius’s further adventures in Moscow

  From that time on, although I didn’t realise it, I was secretly kept under observation by members of the Czar’s bodyguard. I didn’t see the colonel or his family again, so that I had no idea what had become of them. During that time, as you can well imagine, not a few grey hairs appeared on my head, and not a few strange ideas inside it, either. I sought out the German craftsmen and merchants who resided in Moscow and told them of my plight and how I had been duped. At first they were sympathetic and made suggestions about how best to get back to Germany, but the moment they got wind of the fact that the czar was determined to keep me in Russia, by force if necessary, they all clammed up. They didn’t want to know me, and I was even finding it difficult to get a roof over my head, for I had already sold my horse, saddle and bridle and spent the proceeds, and every day I was taking out another of the ducats I had so wisely sewn into my clothes. Finally I started selling my rings and jewels, hoping to keep myself going until I found an opportunity of getting back to Germany. In this way three months passed since the colonel and all his household had turned Greek Orthodox and been rewarded with an extensive noble estate and many serfs.

  At that time a decree was published, that applied both to Russians and foreigners, announcing heavy penalties for idlers, since they took the bread out of the mouths of honest working people. Any foreigners who were unwilling to work had to leave the country within a month and the city within twenty-four hours. Fifty of us assembled, therefore, planning to make our way together through Poland to Germany. We had not been two hours out of the city, however, when we were overtaken and stopped by a troop of Russian cavalry under the pretence that the czar was mightily displeased we had had the audacity to gather in such large numbers and march through his country without a passport or even so much as a by-your-leave. For this, they added, His Majesty would be well within his rights to send us to Siberia.

  As we made our way back I learnt what my situation was. The officer in command of the troop told me plainly that the czar would not let me leave the country. His advice was to submit to His Majesty’s will, convert to their religion as the colonel had done and not turn my nose up at a fine estate, assuring me that if I declined I would be forced to stay there as a servant. One could not blame His Majesty, he said, for refusing to let such an experienced man as the colonel had said I was leave his country. At this I spoke slightingly of myself, pointing out that the colonel must have credited me with more skills, ability and knowledge than I actually possessed. It was true that I had come to their country to serve His Majesty the Czar and the admirable Russian nation by risking my life to fight their enemies, but I could not agree to change my religion. If, however, there was any way at all I could serve the czar without going against my conscience, there would be no lack of effort on my part.

  I was separated from the others and given lodgings with a merchant where on the one hand I was openly kept under surveillance, on the other fed with delicious food and fine wines from the court kitchens. People came to visit me every day and invited me out to dine with them now and then. There was one in particular, a crafty old fox who had doubtless been told to work on me. He came round to chat with me every day, for by now I could speak Russian fairly well. He discussed all kinds of technical matters with me, siege engines and other types of machinery, fortifications, artillery etc. Finally, after he had several times sounded me out to see if I was willing to do as the czar wished and found no sign at all of my changing my mind, he asked whether, if I would not become Russian, I would not at least reveal some of my knowledge to them. His Majesty, he assured me, would esteem it an honour and reward my cooperation with royal favours. I replied that it had all along been my humble desire to serve His Majesty. That was the reason why I had come to his country in the first place, and I was still of a mind to do so, even though I was kept more or less a prisoner. ‘Oh, not at all, sir’, he said, ‘you are not being kept prisoner. It is just that His Majesty loves you so much he cannot bear to lose you.’

  ‘Why then’, I asked, ‘am I being kept under surveillance?’

  ‘Because His Majesty is concerned lest you come to some harm’, he replied.

  Now that he was clear about my willingness to serve the czar he told me that His Majesty was considering extracting saltpetre in his own territories and manufacturing gunpowder. Since, however, there was no one there who was familiar with the process, I would be doing His Majesty a great service if I would undertake the task; they would see to it that I had sufficient funds and manpower. He added his own personal request that I should not reject His Majesty’s proposition, since they had already been reli
ably informed that I was familiar with these matters.

  ‘Sir’, I replied, ‘I can only repeat what I said before: if I can serve the czar in any way, apart from changing my religion, then I will do so to the best of my ability.’ At this the Russian, who was one of their great magnates, got very merry and kept drinking my health, even more than a German would have.

  The next day two boyars came with an interpreter to make the final arrangements and to give me a splendid Russian coat, a present from the czar. A few days after that I started searching for soil containing saltpetre and teaching the Russians who had been assigned to me how to separate it from the soil and purify it. At the same time I drew up designs for a powder mill and taught others to make charcoal, so that we were very soon producing both fine powder for muskets and coarse powder for cannons in great quantities. I had enough men under my command as well as my own special servants to look after or, rather, keep an eye on me.

  After I had made such a good start, the Livonian colonel came to see me, in Russian costume and with a splendid retinue of servants, doubtless hoping to persuade me by this show of magnificence to become Russian Orthodox. However, I was well aware that the clothes came from the czar’s wardrobe and had only been lent to him in order to bait the hook for me, this being very common practice at the Russian court.