“Harper,” I said softly. “Her name is Harper.”
“I remember. After Harper Lee?”
“Kind of.”
“Good choice. Declan means ‘full of goodness.’ My mom had high hopes.”
My lips stretched into a smile even though didn’t want to be smiling right then. “I’m sure she feels she named you right.”
“I’m sure,” he agreed, a sad look crossing his face. I realized then that Declan wasn’t just full of mystery, but maybe some sadness too. Maybe that was why I felt a connection to him; we were both sad in ways we couldn’t express openly in fear others wouldn’t understand.
The doors behind me opened and I knew it was Adam without turning around. “What’s your problem?” He asked, sounding more annoyed than concerned. I closed my eyes and wished for that boy on the beach, the boy that brushed my hair from my face and hypnotized me with kisses.
“I needed fresh air,” I replied. I made eye contact with Declan and he nodded once, making a silent agreement to continue this conversation later before disappearing inside his own house.
“I don’t like him,” Adam declared.
“Who?”
“Duncan or whatever his name is.”
“Declan. And why? You’ve never had a conversation with him.”
“I don’t like the way he looks at you. It reminds me of the way Nolan used to.”
He was standing next to me now but his closeness was uncomfortable. I avoided looking at him, focusing instead on the ocean in front of us. “The first time you say his name in months and it’s to bring up the few seconds of confusion between us.”
“Maybe that’s all I remember.”
His words cut through me like knives and my eyes filled with tears. I blinked them back furiously and turned to him, surprised to see regret on his face instead of anger. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.
I moved closer to him by instinct, resting my head on his shoulder. “So am I,” I whispered back. “I just… I hate Maggie.”
“You don’t hate her,” he said. “You’re too good to hate anyone. I’m sorry I don’t dislike her as much as you do.”
“I still worry I’m not enough,” I admitted, letting the words escape before I could talk myself out of them. “I still worry you’re going to want someone else. That I’m not the person you want forever.”
“You are my forever,” he said, kissing my temple. “Stop thinking like that. I can’t take back the past, Lainey. But we can move forward by not bringing it up all the time.”
“I know,” I agreed, letting the gentle ocean breeze carry my words away. Our past was just that, things that happened that didn’t need to define us. But there was still the doubt we could ever move on completely from it all.
I let him wrap his arms around me and ease my pain by kissing me on the forehead and then the lips. But there was a part of me that wasn’t sure he could erase it all. We were who we were; past, present, and future. I just wanted to be sure all versions of ourselves loved one another the way we needed to.
Chapter 13
Tuesday morning was Cynthia’s appointment. It felt strange being back in the room where I’d had all my appointments before and after Harper. It felt even stranger when Thea walked into the room, smiling brightly and looking mostly the same as she had three years earlier.
“Wow,” she said, wrapping me in a hug. “Long time no see. How’s my baby?”
“She’s good,” I replied, squeezing her before stepping back. “She’s with Mason. He couldn’t leave the bed and breakfast for the appointment and he wouldn’t leave it in my hands.” It had been an hour-long debate earlier that morning, whether Mason would stay at Bella Vista or come to the appointment with Cynthia. In the end it was Cynthia who decided, claiming she’d feel less stressed out with me by her side. Mason looked hurt but knew he tended to freak out when it came to appointments and this was a big one.
“You should have brought her,” Thea said with a smile. “I bet she’s gotten so big, huh? Two years already!”
“Two years, four months and three days,” I replied. Both of them turned and looked at me. “What?”
“That’s impressive,” Thea remarked with a laugh. She turned to Cynthia with an even brighter smile than before. “So are you ready to find out?”
“Yes and no,” Cynthia said nervously. “I’m kind of afraid.”
“Why?”
“It makes it more real,” I spoke for her, taking her hand and squeezing it with reassurance. I remembered the day I found out Harper was a girl like it was yesterday.
“Waiting is always an option,” Thea reminded her. “I can check and if you don’t want to know, I won’t tell you. And that way later on you can always call and I’d be happy to tell you.”
“I’d better find out,” Cynthia said. “Mason is going crazy. He’s a planner. Must run in the family.” She shot me a look.
“Considering we share a father, I don’t find that too likely.” Cynthia and I laughed while Thea glanced from either of us, confused. I was glad when she didn’t ask us to explain; explaining my father would take more time than she was probably able to offer.
She gave Cynthia a brief exam, made sure everything was looking good and that she was gaining enough weight. When Cynthia lay back on the examining table, I felt a surge of excitement rush through me. It was more exciting being on the outside of this situation.
“Any guesses?” Thea asked, bringing me back to the time she’d asked me. I’d guessed a girl and I’d been right; Hannah had been right. Unfortunately she’d been too busy in her make-believe love triangle as of late to make any guesses about Cynthia’s twins.
“I have no idea,” Cynthia admitted. “What do you think, Lainey?”
“Two girls,” I decided. “Harper told me she wants girl play mates because boys are gross.”
“Very true,” Thea agreed. I watched from beside Cynthia as she rubbed the jelly over her stomach and pressed the transducer against her skin, moving it around as an image appeared on the screen. My eyes widened as two tiny babies appeared. Thea studied it for a few moments before turning to us with wide grins.
“Well, you’re half right,” she announced. “It looks to me like you’ll be having both a boy and a girl. Got any names picked out?”
Cynthia’s eyes widened with relief and excitement and I held back a squeal. A boy and a girl; the best of both worlds.
Cynthia looked up at me, tears glistening in her brown eyes. “Mason is going to be so happy,” she said. “He won’t admit it, but I think he was hoping for at least one boy.”
“It’s wonderful news,” Thea agreed. “They both look fine, but I still have my concerns. Don’t do anything more than what you need to and rest as much as you can. I still want to consider going on maternity leave a few weeks earlier than we’d planned, since twins have a tendency to come early. But we can decide that when it gets closer. Do you have any questions?”
Cynthia asked a few questions and Thea left a few minutes later, leaving us to gather Cynthia’s things and get ready to go. “It’s unreal, isn’t it?” She asked softly as she picked up her purse and wiped at her eyes. “I’m going to have a son and a daughter, all at once.”
“It’s unreal and amazing,” I agreed, wrapping my arm around her as we headed for the door. “Now that we know, we should probably start getting more serious about names. You don’t want to wait until the last few weeks like I did, especially since you need to pick two.”
“We can always name the girl after you,” she teased. I made a face.
“Please don’t. I hate my name.”
“Your name is beautiful and so are you. Thank you for coming with me, Lainey. It really meant a lot.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Trust me, I enjoyed it as much as you did. Now let’s get home and tell Mason.”
Chapter 14
“What are you doing?” Hannah asked, poking her head into my bedroom. I smoothed Harper’s hair from
her face and smiled up at her.
“Watching a movie,” I said. “I think Harper’s falling asleep, though.”
“Am not,” Harper argued sleepily, her eyes barely open.
“Can I join?” Hannah asked.
“Of course.” I moved over a little, making room for Hannah on Adam’s side of the bed. It was Tuesday night and he was working over, though that more or less went without saying now. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Hannah said, but it was obvious just by looking at her that there was something bothering her. “Why do you always think there’s something wrong?”
“Because there usually is. Boy trouble?”
“Boys are trouble,” she said grumpily.
“Boys are gross,” Harper agreed with a yawn. Hannah and I grinned at each other over her head.
“Is everything okay with Jared?” I asked, pressing the subject because I knew Hannah well enough to know that was exactly what she wanted. She sighed and tilted her head back, letting her hair fall away from her face.
“Not really,” she replied. “I mean, Jared’s perfect, right? He’s gorgeous, he’s smart, and he has rich parents even though his job kind of sucks. And he loves me.”
“But,” I prompted her.
“But I don’t know if I love him. Not the way I…” She cut herself off but I knew exactly what she’d meant to say. Not the way I loved Nolan.
It was always going to be there between us. An unspoken knowledge that at one point, we’d cared for the same boy. What Hannah didn’t know was that Nolan never belonged to anyone but her. She was the only girl he’d ever loved. I knew he’d loved me but it was so different and I wasn’t sure Hannah could understand that. I wasn’t sure I wanted her to. If she knew how much Nolan had really cared for her, it would make his death that much harder to deal with.
“It’s okay to not be head over heels in love, Hannah,” I said softly. I could tell by the change in Harper’s breathing that she’d finally given in and fallen asleep. I moved her closer to me and reached over her so I could put my arm around Hannah. “You’re only eighteen, okay? You don’t have to find your soul mate just yet.”
Her eyes welled with tears and I knew exactly what she was thinking. That was the amazing part about knowing someone better than you know yourself; you know their thoughts and their feelings without them ever opening their mouths to express them.
“You’re afraid Nolan was your soul mate,” I whispered and she nodded, letting the tears flow freely.
“What if he was?” She asked. “What if he was everything I was supposed to want and have and he’s gone?”
“I don’t think that’s possible,” I said gently. “If there’s fate in this world, I don’t think you’d lose your soul mate before you even get a chance to be with them.”
“It’s possible,” she insisted. “I just don’t see myself falling in love with anyone the way I loved him.”
“We’re so young,” I pointed out. “We haven’t even really lived yet.”
“That’s not true for you though,” Hannah pointed out. “I mean, Adam’s your soul mate, right? And you met him when you were fifteen.”
Although it wasn’t her intention, her question jarred me. It had been a long time since I really allowed myself to consider it, whether Adam was the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. He had to be. If it wasn’t for him and the love we shared, the life we’d created, I wouldn’t have ever considered the idea of fate. I might never have fallen in love. Everything I had, I’d gotten from Adam.
“I think we’re the exception,” I said, because that was the easiest explanation and Hannah was waiting for me to say something.
“Exception or necessity?” She asked, sniffling and wiping her tears away. I wanted to offer her a tissue, but they were on my side of the bed and I didn’t want to risk waking Harper up in the process.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“It’s just… you don’t seem happy. And I think it’s because of Adam. And sometimes I think that maybe you’re here because she’s here.” Her eyes landed on Harper, affection in her gaze.
“I’m here for more reasons than Harper,” I insisted.
“We won’t be our parents,” she reassured me, knowing I needed to hear that. “Even if someday you decide you need more than what Adam can offer. You’ll never be Lila.”
“She’s getting married.”
“I know.”
“How?”
“Declan told me.”
I bit my lip and glanced away from her, knowing she could read the thoughts I didn’t want to think. “Do you still have feelings for him?” I asked. Hannah shook her head, looking weary and tired.
“No. I never did. I mean, he’s cute but he’s not my type. I think I just wanted him to be. It would be so much easier to fall head over heels in love with someone else than to decide whether or not I want to be with Jared or alone.”
“I know,” I agreed. “Being alone isn’t fun.”
“How would you know?” She asked, smiling faintly. “You haven’t been alone since you were like, fourteen. You went from Scott to Adam and from Adam to, well, Adam.”
“I feel alone,” I replied, hating myself for the admittance and flinching inwardly from the surprised look on her face. It hurt to admit, but it was also a relief to reveal it. I felt alone. I felt alone and overwhelmed and underwhelmed and a million different things all at once, resulting in an almost numbness that took over most of the time.
“But you’re not alone,” Hannah said, every single thing she was feeling alive and evident in her eyes. “I’m here.”
“I know,” I whispered, wanting to add that maybe that wasn’t enough but knowing I couldn’t. Hannah understood me better than anyone, but even she wouldn’t be able to get into my heart and make sense of everything that was shattered in there. I couldn’t do it.
“I think we’re just going through some stuff,” she said after a few minutes of silence. “That’s normal, right? We’re supposed to second guess everything and think about where we might have gone wrong so we can make different decisions in the future and get to where we were always meant to be.”
Hannah’s thoughts sounded good, but there was a part of me that wasn’t so sure. There was a part of me that believed maybe this was the best it was ever going to get; living in a house I didn’t really like, caring for a daughter I loved more than life itself, trying to find my way and never being too sure I was headed in the right direction. Eventually Harper would get older and need me less and before then Adam would probably want to discuss having more children. And once that happened there was no turning back. I didn’t want to feel like I was suffocating, and yet that was exactly how it was starting to feel.
“They’re having a boy and a girl,” I said suddenly. “Cynthia and Mason.”
Hannah looked at me with wide, surprised eyes. A smile slowly formed across her face. “Seriously?”
“Yeah,” I said with a small smile. “We found out today.”
“That’s so great,” she said. “I was thinking it would be two girls, but having a boy around won’t be so bad. As long as he doesn’t grow up to be gross, as Harper likes to say.”
“We’ll make sure of that,” I promised with a small laugh. “He’ll be ours. We’ll take good care of him. Mason and Cyn are going to need a lot of help, you know.”
“Yeah, I figured. We can handle it, though.”
“We can always go back and share our old bedroom,” I suggested, only half joking. “Forget about our boy problems and just go back. What do you say?”
She tilted her head back and I saw a tear slip from the corner of her eye, sliding down her cheek. “I think it wouldn’t be the same,” she said softly. “And that’s my biggest fear, you know? That nothing can ever be the same again, as soon as the moment’s passed. Someday even this will change; you and me. And that scares me.”
“We’ll never change,” I promised.
“
I hope not,” she said. “I think I’m going to go call Jared, okay?”
“Okay,” I said. “Good luck. And Hannah?”
“Yeah?” She slid off the bed and turned to me, her eyes moving from my face to the sleeping Harper beside me.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Sis,” she said, grinning slyly. “Try not to fall asleep, okay? I still expect you to cook dinner.”
“Whatever you say,” I said with a laugh, watching as she pranced out of the bedroom. Harper stirred but didn’t wake, mumbling a few wordless things in her sleep. I kissed her forehead and breathed in her lavender scent and felt immediately comforted.
Things changed. People changed, drifted apart, moved on. Sometimes they didn’t. In the end, maybe it wasn’t about choice as much as acceptance. Maybe Adam and I just needed to get past this to get to the bigger, better picture. Or maybe in the end it all would be for nothing.
I closed my eyes and welcomed sleep, but it never came. Responsibilities awaited me and if there was one thing I could count on for sure, it was that.
Part II
Truth or Dare
Chapter 15
I lifted my fist to knock on the door and stopped myself before it made contact. I hesitated and glanced over my shoulder, half-expecting to see someone behind me.
The door swung open and Declan stood there, a confused smile on his face. “Hey,” he said. I realized that for the first time in my life, I was the person on the other side of the door.
“Hey,” I said, smiling quickly. “I wanted to stop by and thank you.”
“Thank me?” He repeated, his forehead wrinkling. “For what?”
I handed the papers to him, fresh from the printer. “I got a B plus,” I said. “The highest grade I’ve gotten so far. I never would have been able to do it without you.”
He glanced at the papers and smiled. “It wasn’t a problem,” he said. “Do you want to come in?”
I hesitated. Part of me wanted to say yes. Hannah and Harper had fallen asleep on the couch twenty minutes earlier and weren’t likely to wake up anytime soon.
The Edge of Everything (The Haven Series) Page 6