“Yeah, apparently I do that a lot.”
“Quit it.” He lit the cigarette and breathed in, blowing the smoke out of his mouth moments later. I watched it disappear into the air and slowly fade, wishing my problems could work that way.
“This was my worst birthday ever,” I announced, walking to the railing and leaning over it, staring at the sand below us. “And that’s saying something, considering I told my parents I was pregnant on my sixteenth birthday.”
“Ouch,” Declan commiserated. “That must have sucked.”
“It wasn’t fun.”
“Was Adam an ass?”
“No,” I answered. Part of me was glad he wasn’t acting angry and hurtful towards me, but somehow the silence seemed worse. Every time I looked at my tattoo I was filled with remorse. I should have considered how he would feel before I got it.
“He cheated on you before, didn’t he?”
I looked at Declan in surprise. Of all the things I’d shared with him throughout our month long friendship, that subject never came up. I figured it would be the one thing I wouldn’t share with him because it would be nice to have someone in my life that didn’t know.
“Yes,” I said softly. “How did you know?”
“It’s not difficult to tell,” he said. “You have this vulnerable look in your eyes whenever you talk about him, like he’s hurt you really badly. And considering he’s still here and still a big part of Harper’s life and he doesn’t seem abusive, I figured he’d cheated.”
“It was almost two years ago,” I said, as if that mattered. “With his ex-girlfriend. She got pregnant, before we met. She got an abortion. It was why he wanted Harper so badly.”
“You got pregnant on purpose?” He asked, surprised.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It wasn’t like that. I was just stupid and so was he, and we got pregnant. But when I found out, I was considering other options. He refused. I’m glad now, but a part of me still feels like I’m a replacement sometimes. That’s so ridiculous.”
“I don’t think so,” he said, putting his cigarette out and tossing it into the sand. “I think I’d feel the same way.” He moved so that he was next to me, our shoulders brushing. “Why’d you stay in the relationship after he cheated?”
“I didn’t,” I said. “I left him, lived with my best friend – his best friend – for a while. That’s who this is for.” I tapped my tattoo.
“Were you in love with him?” Declan asked.
“Nolan? No.” I shook my head. “I loved him, though. He forced me to look at life a little differently.” I looked over at him and smiled. “Kind of what you’ve been trying to do.”
“I’m glad,” Declan said. “Everyone needs someone like that in their life, you know?”
“Hannah loved him,” I said. “And he loved her. They dated for a little bit back in high school. They were going to get back together but then he died. That’s why she is the way she is, bouncing in and out of relationships. It’s not fair.”
“She’ll find the right person,” he said. “We all do.”
“You believe that?”
“I have to,” he said, looking up at the stars. “My parents are the proof I have of that. They met in college and got married six months later. Every memory I have of them together, they were happy. I don’t even remember a single argument between them. My mom’s been gone almost sixteen years and my dad hasn’t so much as had a date in those years. He’s still in love with her even though she’s gone and she’s never coming back.”
“Wow,” I said. “My dad would have gotten remarried the next week. Maybe even the day after the funeral.”
Declan grinned, shaking his head. “Maybe that’s why you don’t have faith in love.”
“I have faith in love,” I said indignantly. “What gives you the idea I don’t?”
He opened his mouth to reply but seemed to think better of it. He looked at me, his ice blue eyes burning into mine. “I’m not going to answer that right now,” he said.
He straightened up and ran a hand through his hair, causing it to stand straight up instead of falling back. “I’m going home. Want to come?”
“Yeah,” I said with a small smile. “Harper isn’t here and Adam hates me. But I’d better not.”
“I figured. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” I replied, watching him head down the steps and began his trek towards his own house. He stopped halfway there and turned back to me.
“Lainey?”
“Yeah?”
“You look beautiful tonight.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, glad it was dark enough for him to not notice my face redden. He nodded once and continued towards his house, not looking back.
Chapter 25
“I don’t know what Ocracoke is, but it sounds fun,” Declan remarked. I grabbed a tablecloth out of our odds and ends drawer and threw it into a bag.
“It’s an island,” I said absentmindedly. “You have to take a ferry to get there.”
“I assumed as much. Why are you packing a tablecloth?”
“Why not? We might need it.” I grabbed a package of silverware that we’d bought and never opened and tossed that in on top of the tablecloth. The bag was filled to the brim and barely zipped up.
“Whatever you say,” he replied. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, watching me with amusement and driving me crazy.
“Shouldn’t you be home, packing your own bags?” I asked. It was late Wednesday afternoon, the day before Thanksgiving. I hadn’t been sure we were even still going to Ocracoke until this morning when Adam told me to make sure all our bags were packed.
“I don’t need to pack anything,” Declan said. “I’m going to visit my dad. I left a bunch of stuff there.”
“Lucky you,” I grumbled. I glanced at the sliding glass door, spotting Hannah and Harper through the glass. It was getting colder and our trips to the park had been shortened drastically, so Hannah had started taking her outside during the afternoon to look at the beach. Hannah was holding her, their heads pressed together, the shades of their dark hair almost identical.
“Is Hannah going with you?” Declan wanted to know.
“Yeah, unless you want to borrow her for the weekend,” I said. I had a theory that Hannah and Adam were competing for Most Miserable. They both put on an act whenever Harper was around, but whenever she wasn’t all went to hell. Hannah was currently mad at Jared for not inviting her home with him for Thanksgiving, even though she’d admitted she wouldn’t have went anyway. And Adam just hated me.
I ran my fingertip over my tattoo, regretting it and loving it all the same. It comforted me because it reminded me of Nolan, but it also made me uncomfortable because it reminded Adam of him. I hated that he couldn’t remember his lifelong best friend without remembering that we’d kissed twice. But more than that, he knew Nolan had been there for me when he couldn’t.
As far as I could tell, Hannah hadn’t noticed the tattoo yet. She’d been a little distant lately, still dealing with whatever she was going through, and apparently not wanting me involved in the process. I’d heard her on the phone with her father earlier in the week and half-expected her to announce she was going there for Thanksgiving, but she never said anything. I’d noticed her bags packed and by the door this morning, ready to go.
Despite everything going on between Adam and me, I was looking forward to this extended weekend. It would be fun seeing new scenery, exploring with Harper. She was too young to remember anything, but she was old enough now to notice stuff and enjoy herself. It was going to be a good experience.
“When are you leaving?” Declan asked.
“Tomorrow morning. Ned rented one of those shuttle bus thingies so we can all drive down tomorrow. When are you?”
“Tonight,” he said. “It’s a long drive back to Philadelphia.”
“Are you looking forward to it?”
He shrugged. “Kind of. I’ve never been big on Thanksgiving. Back when my m
om was still alive we celebrated just the three of us, and after she died my dad and I started going to my aunt’s. Needless to say, she has five kids of her own, and those five kids are all grown and married with kids… it’s chaotic.”
“Yeah,” I said with a sly grin. “I forgot all writers have to be introverts.”
“Don’t have to be,” he said. “But I for sure am. Are you sure I can’t sneak on the shuttle bus and go with you? No one will even notice I’m around once we get to Ocracoke.”
“Pretty sure,” I replied, pushing the bag towards him. “Can you carry that to the door? I don’t want to kill myself trying.”
“Yes ma’am,” he said with a chuckle, lifting it like it was nothing and marching towards the door. I watched him go, smiling.
The sliding glass doors opened and Harper came barreling into the living room, headed straight towards me. “Mama I’m hungry!” She announced. I glanced at the clock. It was a little more than an hour before her dinner time.
“Soon, baby,” I said, lifting her up with a grunt. She was getting heavy. I looked at her and felt sadness for the fact she was almost two and a half. She was growing up way too fast for me.
“I’m hungry too,” Hannah complained, patting her stomach for emphasis. “Can you make me food?”
“I’ll do it,” Declan said before I could reply. He headed towards the kitchen with determination. I rolled my eyes.
“He’s trying to earn himself a seat on the shuttle bus,” I told Hannah.
“You can have mine,” she offered. “I hate Thanksgiving.”
“Since when?”
“Since I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.”
I raised my eyebrows but didn’t say a word. I turned towards the kitchen, where Declan was moving around pots and pans in search of the right cooking utensils.
“You sure you don’t want to pack any of these?” He joked. “You never know if you might need them.”
“Haha,” I said sarcastically. “What are you making?”
“Something vegetarian,” he replied and Hannah smirked with satisfaction. There was a gleam in her eyes, one that made me think her ideas about Declan hadn’t faded completely. I got an uneasy feeling in my stomach but talked myself out of it. It wasn’t my business if they wound up together in the end. In fact, it might be a good thing.
But deep down, I didn’t really believe Hannah and Declan together was a good thing. Watching Declan move gracefully around my kitchen, I couldn’t hold back the feeling things were about to get a lot more complicated.
Chapter 26
We ended up having Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. The original plan was to start cooking as soon as we arrived at the house, but we got off to a late start and by the time we got there we would have been eating around ten pm. I was disappointed but I opted not to show it, not wanting to give Adam any more reason to be angry with me. So much for the tablecloths and extra utensils I’d packed.
The house itself was beautiful. Huge and overlooking the ocean, but I expected nothing less from the Montgomery’s. Harper, Adam and I were sharing one of the master bedrooms and Hannah was across the hall from us, alone. Greg’s room was next to hers. He was supposed to bring a girl he was apparently getting serious about, but something happened and she went home instead. By the way he was watching Hannah, I had a feeling he didn’t mind.
Dinner went smoothly. We ate at a restaurant just two blocks away from the house. Adam still wasn’t making much of an effort to talk to me, but things were civil for the sake of his parents. I could tell by the way Ned was looking at us that he sensed something was wrong, but in true Ned fashion he didn’t involve himself. We finished eating within an hour and headed back to the house.
Harper fell asleep as soon as we got back and I tucked her into the king sized bed, sitting at the edge of it and watching her sleep. I felt Adam enter the room but didn’t turn to look at him; afraid I’d look at him wrong and start another argument. It was getting to a point where I felt uncomfortable in his company.
“I’d like to call a truce,” he said quietly. I turned to look at him, surprised by the vulnerability I saw on his face.
“A truce?” I repeated.
“Yeah,” he said, closing the door behind him. “I don’t want to be angry anymore.”
“Then don’t be.”
“It’s not that easy. You got a tattoo to commemorate the person who almost broke us apart.”
If I was more the person I wanted to be, I would tell Adam that Nolan hadn’t been the one who almost broke us apart. He’d simply been the messenger and then the comforter. It was Adam and his actions that nearly tore apart our family. But this truce meant more to me than peace of mind.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly, though I wasn’t entirely sure I was. He walked over to the bed and stood behind me, his hand on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have been so distant for so long. It was just…”
“Easy,” I supplied. “It’s easy to stay angry and distant when you’re barely home.”
“I’m doing what I need to do, Lainey,” he replied, ice forming in his words. I wasn’t doing a very good job at this truce. “We broke up before because you thought I wasn’t trying hard enough to be a good dad and partner and now that I am, you complain I’m not home enough.”
It was more complex than that, but something told me Adam wouldn’t understand if I tried to explain that to him. I stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the door. I didn’t want to wake Harper up. The last thing she needed was to witness one of our arguments.
“Let’s just drop it, okay? At least for the weekend.” We stepped into the hallway and I closed the bedroom door behind us. “I don’t want to fight or be angry or anything.”
“I’m sorry,” he said dutifully.
“I’m sorry too.” We sealed our apologies with a kiss but the sinking feeling in my chest didn’t fade. We were headed down the wrong path and my keeping quiet on the things I wanted to say wasn’t helping.
Hannah’s door flew open and she stood in the doorway, staring at us. “You guys bored?” She demanded. A door down the hall opened at that exact moment, Greg appearing behind it.
“I am,” he said, staring at her. She glanced at him without interest and nodded once.
“Let’s find something fun to do,” she declared.
“I can’t,” I said. “Harper’s asleep.”
“And Julia isn’t,” she said. “Come on, Lainey. You never do anything fun. With me, anyway.” She shot me a pointed look and I resisted the urge to glare at her. Hannah was jealous of my friendship with Declan, though she wouldn’t admit it.
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll go tell Julia.”
“I already did. Come on.” She led the way down the hallway, leaving Adam, Greg and I to follow her.
Chapter 27
Ocracoke was beautiful, but it didn’t hold the same magic Haven did. Maybe that was because Haven was home and I missed it because I never thought I’d have a place I could really call home.
Thursday night after Harper was in bed Hannah, Greg, Adam and I all went for a walk around the area. We had fun, talking and laughing and acting like people our ages should act. Adam and I fell asleep next to Harper a few hours too late, his arm draped over my waist.
On Friday the men went fishing and Hannah, Julia and I went shopping. Harper tagged along and acted fussy most of the day, but eventually calmed down when I gave in and let her have cotton candy. I took a picture of her eating it and sent it to Declan. Why, I wasn’t too sure.
Saturday everyone relaxed, lounging around the house and enjoying it. It was truly a magnificent place, a total of twelve bedrooms in all. I wasn’t sure why we’d rented such a big place for such a small amount of people until Adam told me it was the place they used to stay when he was little and most of their family came down. Julia had considered renting a new, smaller place this time but Ned had been insistent on keeping true to tradition. I w
as glad he did.
I put Harper to bed a little early on Saturday and went outside on the upper deck of the house to watch the stars. I wrapped myself in a warm sweater and leaned against the railing, enjoying the contrast of dark sky and dark ocean with bright, white stars. I didn’t realize Adam had followed me out until his arms wrapped around me.
“Hey,” he whispered into my hair. “You look pretty stargazing.”
I laughed and smiled up at him. “Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself.”
His eyes sparkled and he kissed the top of my head, sighing into my hair. “I miss us,” he said softly, his breath brushing against my skin and sending chills down my spine. “I miss how simple things used to feel.”
“So do I,” I agreed. “I think we let things get too complicated.”
“We did,” he said. “Things don’t need to be so difficult. I love you. You love me. We love our daughter. We should just say screw it all and be happy.”
“I am happy,” I told him, knowing deep down that wasn’t entirely true. There was always something that would make me happier, something that would make things better. But telling Adam that would only serve to make things worse and I didn’t want that. Even more, we didn’t need that.
“You’re not,” he said with a sigh. “But I’m going to change that. I’ve been so stressed these past few months, but I can’t keep hiding behind that excuse. Maybe if I would have been home more and tried to understand what you were going through with all these changes, you wouldn’t have felt compelled to get that tattoo.”
“This tattoo has nothing to do with you,” I assured him.
“It does,” he insisted. “I feel like you got it because I wasn’t there for you enough. Like you were turning to Nolan again to be the things I couldn’t be.”
“It wasn’t that at all,” I said. I could have told him about the game then, but my gut warned me not to. He already didn’t like or trust Declan without reason. I didn’t need to give him one. “I shouldn’t have gotten the tattoo. I can have it removed if you want.”
“No, that hurts worse,” he said, putting his arms around me and squeezing me. “I’ll just suck it up and get over it.”
The Edge of Everything (The Haven Series) Page 11