The Edge of Everything (The Haven Series)

by Kaitlyn Oruska

  “You’re really charming.”

  “I know, right? Good thing writers don’t get groupies. I’d be in trouble.”

  “Something like that.”

  We kept up casual chit chat while we ate and just as we were finishing, the rain started. I stared wide-eyed out the window. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

  Declan sighed and wiped his hands on a napkin before tossing it on his plate. “I was,” he admitted. “I just didn’t think it was going to happen so soon. What do you want to do?”

  I bit my lip. “We can’t ride home in it, can we?”

  “Nope.”

  “I can’t call Hannah,” I said, glancing at the clock on the wall. It was already close to nine. “I don’t want her to have to wake up Harper just to come get us.” I knew Adam wasn’t home yet because I would have heard from him by now if he was.

  “We’ll just wait it out,” Declan decided, grabbing a menu from the holder by the window. “Dessert?”

  Two pieces of pie and a scoop of ice cream later, the rain hadn’t let up. The waitress was shooting us annoyed looks and we decided to go ahead and risk it, at least try to ride around the parking lot to see if we would be able to make it home.

  We got halfway to the bike when the rain intensified. Declan grabbed my hand and pulled me around the side of the diner, pushing me against the wall in the process. “Sorry!” He shouted over the roar of the rain.

  “It’s okay!” I shouted back but my words were lost in the sound of the rain. I closed my eyes and wondered how we’d found ourselves in this situation. A gust of wind roared by us then, throwing a plastic bag in our direction. I shrieked as it nearly landed on my face and jumped into Declan’s arms.

  He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist securely. “You’re really jumpy tonight,” he whispered, but his words weren’t lost in the wind. I turned around to face him but he didn’t loosen his grip. Our faces were just inches apart and only because he was a good half foot taller than me.

  “It’s my turn,” he said, his clear blue eyes burning into mine.

  “What?” I asked, still having to shout over the wind even though Declan no longer was.

  “It’s my turn,” he repeated. “Ask me.”

  “Truth or dare,” I said without thinking it through. I didn’t know why Declan was concerned about this at the moment but I wasn’t going to question him.

  “Dare,” he said.

  “Rain check?” I asked. “No pun intended. I don’t have one planned.”

  “Dare me to kiss you,” he said, his eyes still burning into mine. It was like he could read me and I was worried, because deep down a part of me really wanted him to do exactly that.

  “Why?” I asked, trying to pull myself from his arms. His grip remained strong and our bodies close together. I could feel his heart pounding through our clothes.

  “Because it’s the only way I’m going to be able to do it without feeling like a complete and total ass. And God do I want to kiss you right now.”

  “Declan…” I whispered, feeling myself start to shake. Not because he was scaring me or insulting me or for any other reason than the pure realization that I wanted to be kissed by him. More than almost anything else in that moment, pressed against the wall of the Haven Café, feeling his heart beat against my skin, I wanted to be kissed by Declan.

  The truth is, life is made up of defining moments like this. It isn’t all about planning and knowing what you want and going out and achieving it. For the past few years I’ve been trying to do exactly that. Trying to plan everything so it works out just right, so that I’m left at the end of the day feeling like I’d accomplished something, and yet I rarely do. I felt more alive in that moment than I’d felt all year.

  “I can’t,” I said softly, because even though there was little I wanted more, I knew it was wrong. Whatever was happening between us, whatever had been happening between us was real but it didn’t diminish the other factors in my life. It didn’t make me love Adam less.

  Disappointment clouded Declan’s eyes but he nodded, accepting my response. “I know,” he said softly, loosening his grip. I stepped from his embrace, feeling both let down and relieved. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” I said, smoothing my wet hair from my face and closing my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “I didn’t want this,” he said quickly. “When I met you… I knew you and Adam… I didn’t want this.”

  “But you still do?” I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer because I didn’t know what I would do with it.

  “More than anything,” he whispered.

  And in that moment it was forever versus more than anything. The rain started to stop right then and there, clearing enough for us to turn away from each other and head back to the bike. I climbed on behind him, wrapping my arms around him the way I had before, but this time it felt different. Everything felt different.

  Nothing was ever going to be the same again and I was left with a sinking feeling that I wouldn’t know if that was good or bad for a long, long time.

  Part III

  The Edge of Everything

  Chapter 33

  Declan agreed to stay away until I knew what I wanted. The problem was I wasn’t sure I’d ever know.

  I didn’t tell Adam about that night. He came home half an hour after I did, just as I was getting out of the shower. He grabbed me around the waist while I was still in the towel and kissed me like he used to. I tried to kiss him back the way I used to, but there was a part of me that feared I’d never be able to again.

  Declan wanted to kiss me. The memory of what he’d looked like in that moment assured I’d never be the same again.

  We were going to Adam’s parents for Christmas Eve. I was looking forward to it, but not for the right reasons. I was ready to immerse myself in the company, forget that once again I’d made my life too complicated.

  Declan left for Philadelphia two days before Christmas and said his goodbyes in text message. I deleted them without answering. Hannah left the same day, headed to Raleigh to be with Nora for the first time since graduation.

  My dad called but I didn’t answer. The truth was, he tried to call at least once a week and I never answered or called him back. He was the one area of my life I could avoid. I didn’t tell Mason because he would want to intervene and for once I didn’t want his help or support.

  The house was quiet as I got ready to leave on Christmas Eve. Adam was downstairs with Harper, watching a Christmas movie on TV. I stayed upstairs in our bedroom entirely too long, knowing what I needed to do and not wanting to do it.

  In the nine days since Declan wanted to kiss me, I came to realize something. My life was not my own. I didn’t control it, make my own decisions. Everything I did, I did for others or because it would serve a greater purpose. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but at the end of the day I wasn’t happy, not the way I should be. It wasn’t an authentic kind of happiness. The only thing in the world that made me feel real joy was Harper.

  And so I told myself that everything I did, every decision I made, was for her. I ignored the fact that maybe I’d fallen out of love with Adam a long time ago. It was so much easier to pretend I was, because it kept our family together. For the first time in my life, I understood my mother.

  I called her the morning of Christmas Eve but hung up before she had a chance to answer. She called back and I turned my phone off for the next few hours, hoping against hope she didn’t recognize the number. She didn’t leave a voicemail.

  We were supposed to be at Julia and Ned’s house at six and by five thirty I was sitting at the edge of my bed, staring at my dresser and the bag that sat on top. I’d gone to the store before calling my mom, leaving and coming back before Adam and Harper were even awake. I’d hidden the bag in the bedroom closet and it remained untouched and unfound until now.

  Declan forced me to face reality the night he wanted to kiss me. And now I was going to have to face reality
again, this time on my own.

  I went downstairs at ten to six, just as Adam was hoisting Harper off his lap and getting ready to stand up. “Hey,” he said, flashing me that signature smile of his. For the first time, it had no effect on me. “I was just getting ready to check on you. You look pretty.”

  “Mama’s pretty,” Harper chimed in, hugging my leg. I reached down and gently patted the top of her head. I loved her so much.

  “What’s wrong?” Adam asked, finally noticing the expression on my face. I knew it was the wrong place at the wrong time, but my life had never been about good timing.

  “I have to tell you something,” I said softly. I watched as his face paled. He glanced down at Harper.

  “Hey baby? Why don’t you go upstairs and pick out a toy to bring to Nana and Papa’s, okay? Just in case you get lonely.”

  “Okay!” Harper agreed and hurried up the stairs, climbing them like a ladder. I watched her go, feeling my heart ache with every movement.

  “Hey.” Adam touched my arms gently, the warmth of his skin pouring through the fabric of my shirt. I turned to him, tears glistening in my eyes. “What is it? What do you have to tell me?”

  “I –” I stopped myself, taking a deep breath and trying to calm my nerves. I could hear Harper reach the top of the steps; hear her footsteps disappearing down the hall. If she moved quickly she would be back within a minute or two. I needed to get this out by then. I didn’t want my little girl to see me breakdown.

  I didn’t know how Adam was going to react to this. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about it. There was a part of me that felt a deep sadness, another part that felt pure joy because I knew what happened next. Possibly for the first time in my life I knew what to expect.

  “Lainey, you’re scaring me,” he said, his voice low. “What is it? Are you okay? You’re so pale.”

  “I’m okay,” I reassured him, knowing deep down that maybe I wasn’t. I didn’t know what to make of this. It was unexpected. It was bad timing. It was so many things. But it would be okay. No matter what came next, I would make this okay.

  “I love you,” he said and that was all I needed to finally form the words. Adam loved me. Maybe I didn’t deserve that love and maybe I didn’t return it the way he needed, but he loved me. And that was all I needed to know.

  “I’m pregnant,” I whispered.

  Chapter 34

  Adam held my hand so tightly I thought he was going to break off the circulation. I forced a tight smile as the door swung open and Julia greeted us, a real smile lighting up her face. “I was wondering when you were going to get here!” She exclaimed, lifting Harper up. “Everyone else is already here. Come in, come in!”

  I glanced at Adam but he didn’t look back at me. His face was pale, contrasting greatly with his dark stubble. We walked into the foyer and I started to follow Julia and Harper into the living room but Adam stopped in his tracks, pulling me back. “We need to talk about this,” he whispered.

  “Here?” I asked doubtfully, throwing a glance over my shoulder. Julia hadn’t noticed our absence yet. She was too busy fussing over Harper’s dress.

  “Yeah here, now, whatever. Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

  “I took a test,” I whispered back to him. “It came back positive and I’ve been having symptoms. And I looked on the calendar. It fits.”

  “What fits?”

  “The night in Ocracoke.”

  Realization dawned in Adam’s eyes. He nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said, letting out a breath. “Okay. So we’re having another baby.”

  I smiled, feeling tears gather in my eyes. “Yeah, we’re having another baby.” It still felt strange to say, to even think. Reality hadn’t set in yet.

  But I knew it would be okay. As much as I hadn’t wanted this for myself, two young children before the age of twenty, I knew I could do it a second time around. I’d had second thoughts about whether or not I’d wanted to keep Harper, even have her at one point, and she’d proven to be the absolute light of my life. This baby would be no different. Circumstances weren’t perfect, but they rarely were. My confusion over how I felt about Adam wouldn’t play into the love I would have for this baby.

  “I love you,” he said softly, reaching up and brushing a tear that slipped from my eye. “And I’m happy about this. I know I’m not acting happy, but –”

  “I know,” I cut in. “I feel the same way. It’s unexpected.”

  “How did it even happen?” He asked. “I thought you were on the pill.”

  “I am,” I said. “But I missed a couple over the past few weeks. I didn’t think much of it because…” I let my voice trail off. Adam’s absence had extended all aspects of our relationship.

  “Yeah,” he said quickly. He shook his head, a small smile on his face. “Wow. Should we tell everyone?”

  “I think it’s too soon,” I said. “I can’t be more than six weeks at this point. I think you’re supposed to wait twelve.”

  “We didn’t wait that long with Harper.”

  “I was more in shock that time around. Just don’t tell anyone yet, okay? I kind of want Hannah to be the next to know.”

  “Alright,” he reluctantly agreed, reaching for my hand again and giving it a small squeeze. “We should talk later, though. About what this means for us and the future. I’m thinking maybe we should seal the deal.”

  Seal the deal. The casual way in which he mentioned the possibility of getting married bothered me. He made it sound more like a business transaction than expression of love and commitment.

  “Let’s go,” I said, pulling him into the living room by the hand.

  Telling people. Always the most exciting part in my pregnancies, I thought sarcastically. I had a feeling Hannah was going to be less than excited, especially since this meant the baby might have to inherit her bedroom if Harper wasn’t into sharing. And Mason would be disappointed. His dislike for Adam hadn’t wavered one bit in the past few years and I knew he secretly hoped that one day I would wake up and decide Adam wasn’t the one for me and leave. Having two babies would not only make that difficult, but sad and not to mention selfish.

  And then there was Declan. I didn’t think Declan really held onto hope that anything would happen between us, but finding out I was pregnant would seal that indefinitely.

  I couldn’t think about that now.. Even without Adam in the picture, was Declan really the type of person I would want to commit to? It was easy to tell myself no, with him miles away and no lines of communication open.

  The night continued normally, with Adam glued to my side and Harper acting like a social butterfly before passing out on the couch an hour after her bedtime. Greg kept to himself, sipping from a glass of amber colored liquor. Julia and Ned did their best to spend equal time with everyone, but I found myself avoiding them more and more as the night went on, in fear they’d somehow detect my secret.

  We left around ten and I tucked Harper into bed before heading back downstairs and putting some cookies out for Santa. Adam arranged the presents under the tree, just a few feet away from me. Neither of us spoke but the silence wasn’t heavy or awkward. We just needed more time to adjust, maybe more this time around than the first.

  I’d spent the last few months with a strong feeling that things were going to change, and it turns out I was right. Whatever I did with this change was up to me, but I was determined to make it as good as it could be.

  Chapter 35

  Christmas was always a mixture of happy and sad for me.

  I was happy because Harper was happy. She was overjoyed to open her gifts in the morning, making a fuss about all of them, even the clothes. It was also the first Christmas morning we’d ever spent just the three of us. All of the other times we’d done this with Julia and Ned present.

  But it was sad because the next day was the two year anniversary of Nolan’s death. I could see it on Adam’s face that he was holding onto that pain too. It would always be there. It would always
be part of us.

  After presents were unwrapped we gathered on the couch and watched Christmas movies and ate breakfast – pancakes with strawberry syrup and whipped cream, Christmas colors. Around two I put Harper down for her nap and showered and dressed, then did the same for her when she woke up.

  We went back to Julia and Ned’s house and did much of the same as the night before. I carried Harper around the room and introduced her to family members she didn’t remember while Adam spoke to other family members. We didn’t see much of each other throughout the night.

  I checked my phone once later in the evening when I took Harper to the bathroom and found a text from Declan. It made my heart skip a beat before slowly sinking to the bottom of my stomach.

  Declan: Merry Christmas

  I hesitated before deciding to go ahead and reply. I would have to face him again eventually, and again after that. He was our neighbor and he wasn’t going anywhere.

  Me: Merry Christmas. Having fun?

  Declan: No. Miss you.

  I didn’t reply. Instead I turned my phone off and buried it at the bottom of Harper’s diaper bag.

  The drive home was silent and I half-expected Adam to go right to bed after we tucked Harper in. He hadn’t said much to me all day, but that wasn’t entirely unusual. It just bothered me more because I felt vulnerable and a little concerned that this pregnancy wasn’t what he wanted. He’d said he wanted more kids not that long ago, but wanting something and actually having it are often two different things.

  I followed him into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed while he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. He came back out a few minutes later and looked at me in surprise. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

  “What?”

  “You look upset.”

  “I’m worried.”

  “About?” He ran his hand over the side of his face and stood at least a foot away from me. I looked up at him and pictured him as that boy on the beach, the very first boy I’d ever loved.