The Edge of Everything (The Haven Series)

by Kaitlyn Oruska

  “Hey,” he said, stepping back and letting me in.

  “Hey yourself. Why are you back already?”

  He shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. “No plans,” he said. “I figured I’d come back tonight and beat the traffic. How was your Christmas?”

  “Interesting,” I said. “How was yours?”

  “Interesting.” He smiled.

  “I got you a present,” I said. “It’s back at the house. Maybe I can give it to you tomorrow?”

  “Anytime,” he replied. “I’m back for good.” The look in his eyes told me he meant more than just staying in Haven.

  “Good,” I said softly. “That’s good to hear.”

  “I didn’t get you anything,” he admitted sheepishly. “I suck at buying gifts anyway, so you’re probably better off. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” I said quickly. “I wasn’t even planning to buy for you. I just saw something and thought you would like it.”

  “Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll love it.”

  The way he spoke, the way he was looking at me, it all became too much. I had to tell him. I couldn’t let him hold onto whatever small amount of hope he had that things could work out between us.

  “Declan…”

  “Don’t say it,” he said quietly.

  “Say what?”

  “Don’t say that this can’t happen. I know it’s what you’re thinking and I don’t want to hear it. I know you love Adam and I know you feel like you owe him a lot and I can appreciate and respect that. But if I truly believed he was the right person for you, I never would have told you how I feel.” His eyes burned into me, reading me in ways I couldn’t even read myself.

  “I told you I wasn’t that guy, and then I became that guy. I can’t say I’m sorry because I’m not. I fell for you, Lainey. I knew the minute I first saw you it was going to happen and I tried to prevent it, but I couldn’t. You exceeded all of my expectations… I want this. I want us. And I can wait until you decide you do. And if you don’t, well, I won’t consider it a waste.”

  Tears brimmed my eyes. “It’s not that simple,” I whispered.

  “It can be.” He walked closer to me, reaching for my hands. I tried to pull them away but he grabbed them before I could, squeezing them gently into his own. His hands were cold, always cold. Cold hands warm heart. The tears threatened to spill down my face and I squeezed my eyes shut.

  “Declan, there’s something you should know.” I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at him. Concern sparkled in blue.

  “Tell me,” he urged.

  “I’m pregnant.” The words flowed so easily, but the look of devastation on his face didn’t. I waited for him to release my hands, to back away from me, to see him change his mind right before me. But he didn’t.

  “Unless my memory is worse than I thought, I’m going to assume the next words aren’t going to be ‘and it’s yours.’”

  I laughed despite my tears, pulling one of my hands from his grip and wiping them away. “No,” I admitted. “Definitely not. I found out on Christmas Eve.”

  “How far?” He asked, still holding the one hand I hadn’t pulled away.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t even been to the doctor yet.”

  “It doesn’t change a thing.”

  “Declan.”

  “Lainey,” he said, refusing to let me say anything else. “If you let me, I could fall in love with you. Maybe I already have. I haven’t let myself think too much into it because I don’t want to get hurt, but screw that. I want to be with you.”

  I looked up at him, surprised to find he actually meant what he was saying. It was crazy. He was crazy for feeling that way and I was crazy for being half-tempted to take him up on it.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Truth or dare.”

  I blinked. Was he being serious? “Dec-”

  “Truth or dare,” he repeated.

  “Truth.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “Of course I do. What kind of question is that?”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I wasn’t here, tried to pretend none of this was happening. Things with Declan went from the calm before the storm to the storm itself. It was impossible, the emotions roaring through me in that moment. We hadn’t even kissed, had barely even touched. And yet Declan made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a while, some things I’d never felt before. He made me believe things were possible again.

  “I love Adam,” I said slowly. “I love him because he’s the father of my daughter and my unborn child. I love him because he’s been there for me. And I love him because he’s the only person I’ve ever loved.”

  “Are you in love with him?”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered. “I started to think I wasn’t, after I realized how I feel about you. But then I found out I was pregnant and suddenly that didn’t matter so much anymore.”

  “It always matters.”

  But it didn’t. My feelings didn’t matter. The fact that all I wanted to do was throw myself into Declan’s arms and find out if my feelings were true didn’t matter. What mattered was that life had chosen the next step for me.

  Declan made me feel less alone. He could have been the next big love of my life. He could have been the person I ended up wanting to spend the rest of my life with. We could have failed within a few short months. Now I would never know.

  Adam wasn’t a consolation prize and I refused to treat him as such. He was the boy I’d loved first and fate had decided he was the boy I would love last. And almost as though my mind conjured him up, he appeared behind me.

  “What the hell is going on now?” He demanded. I waited for Declan to drop my hand but he didn’t.

  “I really wish you wouldn’t barge into my house like that,” he said, sounding defeated.

  “I really wish you would leave my girlfriend alone,” Adam retorted. Declan released my hand and shot me a pained look. I glanced away from him.

  I felt like my heart was breaking and that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair and it didn’t make sense. I turned to Adam and saw nothing but anger.

  “We need to go,” Adam said, avoiding my eyes. “I just got a call from Mason. The babies are on their way.”

  Chapter 39

  I could tell by Adam’s clenched jaw that he was more angry with me than worried about Cynthia.

  “It wasn’t what it looked like,” I said, knowing those words always meant it was exactly what it looked like. He’d called Julia before he came to get me and she was already at the house by the time we’d left for the hospital. At least Harper wouldn’t have a single idea of what was going on. My world was collapsing but at least my little girl was safe in her bed.

  “I don’t want you around him anymore,” Adam decided. “I can tell he likes you and that makes me uncomfortable.”

  “Yeah, because I’m going to have a torrid affair when I’m all huge and pregnant,” I said sarcastically. Adam shot me a warning look. “How did you even know I was there?”

  “Lucky guess,” he said bitterly.

  “You do realize you’re the one who cheated, right?” I demanded, not ready to back down yet. I was filled with anger and I wasn’t even sure why. I could blame it on the hormones or admit I was angry at Adam because I felt trapped. Baby or no baby, I was glued to him for the rest of my life and for the first time I resented that. I resented losing my innocence at fifteen, resented that he hadn’t been willing to wait in the first place. In the back of my mind I knew I was being unfair, but I couldn’t convince myself to care this time.

  “And you do realize you’re the one who fell in love with my best friend, right?” Adam snapped. “And then this shit with Declan. I cheated on you with one girl, Lainey. You fall in love with every guy you meet.”

  I had no reply to that. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the seat, willing myself to calm down and focus on Cynthia.
But that only made it worse.

  I hadn’t spoken to Mason since the day after Christmas. I couldn’t even imagine what he was going through, and knowing he’d probably tried to call me first made me feel worse. I hadn’t been there to answer the phone because I’d left it at home when I went to see Declan.

  Adam pulled into the hospital parking lot and took a deep breath. “Let’s not do this, okay?” He said. “Let’s go in there and act calm and normal. Mason is probably a wreck right now and he’s going to need us, so let’s just calm down and forget what just happened for right now, okay?”

  “Okay,” I agreed, unbuckling my seatbelt and sliding out of the car. Adam reached for my hand as we approached the hospital, but I refused to hold it. He let out a frustrated groan and stormed ahead of me. So much for being civil.

  Adam stopped a nurse passing through and came back to me, looking drained. “They’re going to let Mason know you’re here, let you go back if he okays it. Are you alright?”

  “No,” I whimpered.

  “Everything is going to be okay.”

  There was a time when those words meant something, especially coming from him. I looked into his espresso-colored eyes and tried to make myself feel the same comfort I used to. More than anything else, in that moment I wanted to believe him.

  He reached for my hand and I allowed him to, allowed him to lift my hand to his lips and brush them across my knuckles. Comfort washed over me, the brand of comfort only Adam could provide.

  The clock on the wall told me we had just fifteen minutes left until the most complicated year of my life was over. I leaned into Adam, feeling the warmth of his body pass through mine and willing him to make everything better. He released my hand in favor of putting an arm around me, holding me securely to his side.

  The night wasn’t supposed to end like this. More than that, the year wasn’t supposed to. Nothing that happened in the past few months should have happened. None of it was planned; none of it even seemed possible. And yet here we were.

  “Ms. Winslow?” A doctor in a white lab coat appeared before me, his eyes tired and weary.

  “That’s me,” I heard myself saying. Adam squeezed me again and I shot him a quick look of gratitude.

  “You can come back now.”

  I started towards him, Adam by my side. The doctor held up a hand, stopping us. “Just you,” he said. “Family only. I’m sorry.”

  “He is family,” I insisted. The doctor shook his head.

  I turned to Adam and he let go of me, taking my hand again and placing a kiss in the center of my palm. Memories flooded my mind, affection so strong it nearly left me unbalanced. Looking down at me now were the eyes that belonged to the boy who stole my heart three and a half years ago, not the man he’d become in the time since.

  “Go ahead,” he whispered. “I’ll be here when you’re done.”

  “Promise?” I whispered back, needing to know that whatever happened after I left his view, he’d still be here when I came back.

  “I promise,” he said and kissed my palm once more before letting go. I turned towards the doctor, nodding my head as though I’d been asked a question. I allowed him to lead me down the hallway, turning just once to look at Adam over my shoulder. He stayed where I’d left him, smiling at me sadly.

  Everything is going to be okay.

  Chapter 40

  I found Mason in the hallway, just outside Cynthia’s door. “They’re prepping her for surgery,” he said, his voice monotone. “She told me to wait out here until they’re ready.”

  “Mason –”

  “Don’t,” he said, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is Cynthia and our babies right now.” He glanced at me. “What time is it, anyway?”

  I pulled my phone out and ignored the five text messages I had from Declan. “Just after twelve,” I said.

  “So January first.” He forced a small smile. “My son and daughter are going to be born on the first day of the year. Pretty cool, huh?”

  “Very cool,” I confirmed, putting my hand on his back and rubbing gently. I felt him relax slightly at my touch. “How’s Cynthia?”

  “Scared,” he said. “But she’s going to be okay. She’s strong. Stronger than I am.”

  “Mr. Winslow?” A doctor asked, coming out of the room. “We’re ready now.” He glanced at me. “Are you coming in, too?”

  Mason looked at me expectantly and I felt myself nod before I considered the question. The doctor ducked back into the room and returned seconds later, tossing a pair of scrubs and a mask at me. I put them on quickly and accepted Mason’s outstretched hand, letting him guide me into the room.

  Heidi and Grant Winslow were born ten minutes apart at thirty-six weeks, both healthy and screaming. Cynthia and I cried together after they were both there with us, especially after the doctors took them away for more extensive exams.

  It was all over within two hours of my arrival. The doctors came back and announced the babies were going to be fine, born only a week earlier than expected and were at a decent enough weight to be sent home within a few days, though Cynthia might be released before them. Once everything was settled and I was assured everyone would be okay I said my goodbyes to Cynthia and my new niece and nephew, running my hand over their mostly bald heads. Mason walked me out.

  “Thanks for being in there with us,” he said, glancing back in the room. “I think Cynthia really appreciated it.”

  “It’s nothing,” I said, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

  “Thanks,” he whispered, pulling me into a tighter embrace. “And I’m going to be happy for you, when the day comes. I’m sorry about last week.”

  “Don’t be,” I reassured him. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It’s just…” he glanced back at the room. “I want more for you, Lainey. You’re my little sister and you’re a pretty awesome person. And Adam, I’m not sure he always appreciates that and sees it and you deserve more. And there’s something else but I don’t know if you want to hear it.”

  “Say it,” I said softly.

  Mason hesitated before continuing. “When I met Cynthia, I knew I was going to fall in love with her and that when I did, I’d never fall out of love. And after five years together I still feel that way. From the day I met her, there’s never been anyone else. And in the three years you and Adam have been together, you’ve both developed feelings for other people. To me that screams you aren’t meant to be.”

  I closed my eyes, his words hitting me like a slap. He was right.

  I hadn’t been in love with Nolan, but I’d cared for him. I’d put him ahead of Adam. If he’d lived, I might have leaned on him for support while getting over Adam instead of going back. The situation with Declan felt different, though. If we’d met at a different time as different people, we might have become something epic. I couldn’t think about that now.

  “I can’t leave him,” I whispered. “Harper and this baby deserve so much more than that.”

  “They do,” Mason agreed. “And having your parents together is great. But your kids also deserve to have a happy mother, one who is doing what she wants with her life and succeeding to the best of her ability. You deserve to be happy, Lainey. And the happier you are, the better mother you’re going to be, regardless of whether or not you’re with Adam. Do you think I would have preferred it if my mom stayed with our dad? For one thing, you wouldn’t be standing here right now, talking to me. Sometimes the people we love first aren’t meant to be the people we love last, regardless of the lives you created with them.”

  Mason’s words rang true, but they were easier said than done. I gave him another hug and started backing away, wanting to end this conversation before it could go any further. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I promised him. “I’m going to bring Harper down to meet her new niece and nephew.”

  “Okay,” he agreed. “But think of what I said, okay? Promise.”


  “I promise,” I said and gave him one last wave before turning and hurrying down the hallway. I found Adam where I’d left him, sitting in a chair now. He glanced up when he heard me enter the room.

  “How is everyone?” He asked, jumping up and walking towards me. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my cheek against his chest.

  “Everyone is fine,” I said softly. “Heidi was born ten minutes before Grant. They’re small but healthy. They’re going to be fine.”

  “Oh God,” Adam breathed. “I’m so glad to hear that.” He kissed the top of my head, his dark eyes gleaming with emotion.

  My parents gave up on each other because it was too much for them. I’d grown up not knowing my mother, being continually disappointed by my father. My children would not meet that same fate. Maybe I wouldn’t experience the same level of happiness with Adam that I might elsewhere, but we’d created a family together and that counted for so much more.

  We left the hospital together, our hands entwined as he drove. I rested my head against the window and watched the scenery pass. There were still people out, celebrating the New Year and making resolutions that they’d either keep or break.

  Tonight represented fresh starts, a chance to start over and begin anew. Maybe I wasn’t going to do that, but if I told myself I was okay with it long enough I’d begin to believe it. It wouldn’t be the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. Life was about sacrifice, about making do with what you had and making the best of it. I would become an expert at that if it was the last thing I ever did.

  I made a promise to myself that I’d delete all of Declan’s texts, stay away from him until he had a better chance to heal. I wasn’t sure I completely understood what had happened between us and maybe I never would, but that would heal in time the way all things did. Eventually he would just be a memory, a what-if, a could-have-been. He’d move away from Haven the way everyone eventually did, find love with a girl who could love him back. He’d have his happily ever after, and so would I.

  That thought began to diminish when Adam pulled into our driveway, frowning at the unfamiliar car parked there. My first thought was that Hannah had come home and brought Nora with her or that my father had driven back a little late for the holidays, but the license plate told a different story.