by Carrie Banks
“What’s her name?”
“Anna Caldwell.”
His body stiffens.
Finally, he speaks, “I met her sister, Emily, about four months ago. I was having dinner with Barron and she came over. I asked her if she wanted to hang out. We hooked up casually and that was it. I was straight with her. I didn’t want anything deep… I didn’t want to date or be her boyfriend. It ended badly when she couldn’t change my mind.”
“Oh. That’s it?”
“Pretty much, why?”
I bite my lip, “She said she was pregnant.”
“Bullshit! If she was, she never told me. Honestly, Tess…a lot of girls try to reel me in. I come from a wealthy family and in case you haven’t noticed—I’m hot.”
“What about me? Are you going to treat me like her?”
He sighs into my hair. “Do we have to do this tonight?”
I turn in his arms, propping myself up on my elbows, “Yes. I’m not into casually hooking up. I’m a girl who needs more.”
“You deserve more.”
I take my index finger and trace his lower lip. He tries to bite me, but I’m too fast. I lower my head and let him think I’m about to kiss him, pulling back at the last moment instead, just like I did on our first date.
“Tease.”
“Talk first, kisses after. I want to know you… We’ve never really actually talked. And sometimes you’re sweet and others, scary and cold. I want to get to know the real you, Ryan.”
He sighs and puts one fisted hand into a pocket.
“My life’s fucked up Tess. There’s a reason why I’m kind of an asshole. I just…talking about it won’t change anything that happened.” He swallows hard.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dredge anything up.” I smooth the hem of my dress feeling awkward, but I know I need answers from him. “You intrigue me. I’ve never met anyone like you…I just want a glimpse behind the curtain. All I know about you right now is that you’re a great kisser who transferred to Pine Point halfway through senior year, breaking hearts faster than anyone.
His lips twitch for a moment, but a deep sadness dwells in his eyes. He breathes out hard, “Despite how I like to unwind on the weekends, I consider myself a serious person. I was very studious in school. Getting accepted into Harvard was tough, even for me. It helped that I avoided parties since I had a steady girlfriend for a few years.
Anyway, it was easy for me to maintain a relationship since I didn’t go out much on the weekends. Looking back, I loved Blaire, but I wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment. After our first anniversary, she started hinting that we should apply to the same college, knowing she’d never get into Harvard. By the end, she accused me of using her and wasting her time. It didn’t help that our last Christmas together—”
He stops and inhales sharply, not continuing.
I lift my head off his chest, waiting.
He’s staring at the same stars I was gazing at earlier.
“I guess I have to go make up the ending to that story…?”
“You couldn’t. How could you… when B, never knew all of it?”
He sits up with his head in his hands. After a few minutes, he opens the bottle of water, pouring two glasses.
He gets up and leans against the deck rail.
With the night sky behind him he tells me everything.
“I was a real prick to Blaire at the end. She never deserved such poor treatment. I was in a bad place and couldn’t see past my pain.”
He takes a few small sips and continues, “I needed a break from studying. The final exams before Christmas break were kicking my ass. I thought making a quick trip home to Marblehead would be the recharge that I needed.
Nothing beats my mom’s house on the holidays. Our family used to put up three trees. In the grand hall, we had a showpiece tree. Mom would hire a professional for that one. In the study, a nautical-themed tree and then a crazy family tree that was just for us in the family room. That one was always my favorite. It would be full of picture ornaments and art projects that my sister and I made in from school. Mom was constantly baking...the entire house always smelled of gingerbread.”
“Sounds like a Hallmark Channel special.”
“No shit, more like a Lifetime movie by the end,” he says bitterly.
“Anyway, I was in a real funk at school, burning out. So, Friday morning after my last class, I packed up and drove straight out of the city. The private school I was at, was a boarding school. I was hoping to surprise Mom, maybe take her out for lunch. Instead, I ended up walking in on my dad fucking his mistress. He had her in my mom’s kitchen. That skank’s bare ass was on the counter. They were trimming the tree, alright.”
“Oh, my God,” I gasp.
Springing off the cushions I get to him in three short strides, throwing myself into his arms. I hug him tight around his waist, “I’m so sorry, how awful.”
“There’s more,” he whispers into my hair. “But I’m going to need a stiffer drink to tell it. I’ll be right back.”
I mull over everything he has told me so far, picturing the life he led a few years back. In a relationship, studying, and wanting to spend time with his family. Sounds like he was the guy I would want to be with now.
He comes back with a glass of scotch. He leans back against the rail looking up as if seeking answers from above. A single tear makes its way down from the corner of his lost, dark eyes.
“Ryan?”
“I just need another minute,” he tries to compose himself. I sit back on the cushions, giving him some space.
“Later that weekend, my younger sister, Abby, died in a horrible accident. She was eight and still believed in Santa.”
“Oh my god!” Tears start falling down my own cheeks as I listen.
“I didn’t want to ruin the holidays for her, so I kept my mouth shut. My dad was relieved, only caring about himself. He wanted to maintain his image as the doting family man for his baby girl. And she always saw him as the perfect daddy.
I was torn between loyalty to my mother and sheltering Abby from the truth. It was so ironic. I was worried about some strange guy being the first to break Abby’s heart someday. Who knew my dad would be the one to do it?”
“I can’t even imagine, Ryan. What did you do?”
“My mom had a right to know. I mean if I was married and my wife was cheating—I would want to know. It was very clear cut to me. So, that night after Abby went to bed, I told my mom everything. She was devastated.”
“Of course, she was.”
“The next day, my mom confronted him. It was ugly. They had a huge argument. My dad stormed in, cursing and accusing me of ruining Christmas for the family—can you believe that?
“I still can’t believe the balls he had, blaming instead of himself.”
“Oh Ryan,” I whisper.
“All the screaming frightened Abby. She found out everything. My baby sister took it hard. That night she snuck out and tried to make it to her best friend’s house down the block. She never came back.”
“What happened?”
He inhales sharply and his hand turns white, because he grips the glass so hard. “She was hit by a drunk driver who lost control on black ice. She tried to swerve, but her reflexes were slow. I guess there were a lot of holiday parties that night. The irony is—her death saved my parent’s marriage.”
“How so? I’m not following…”
“My parents grieved together. They said their shared grief enabled them to re-connect. I was enraged. Maybe Abby would still be here if my father never had that affair,” he finishes dejectedly.
“You don’t know that, Ryan. And you can’t think that way. None of this is your fault, that’s for sure.”
“That’s what my therapist said. I was a wreck. I was livid—at both my mom and dad for months after. I cut them out of my life. I was barely functioning and just doing the bare minimum to get through the rest of senior year. I shut B out, I never tol
d her about my dad’s affair or the arguments we had at home. She just knew about the accident, but I couldn’t stomach re-hashing the rest.
She was close to my mom. But she never told her either. Mom wanted it swept under the rug, so she could pretend the affair never happened. God forbid it ever got out and became a source of gossip. Abby died for nothing. My father kept his wife and got off. Scot-free.”
“He lost you Ry. Deep down, I’m sure he knows the price that affair cost him. Guilt must consume him, especially since he and Abby were so close.”
He tips his head and sips his scotch, taking a minute.
“Senior year was winding down…Blaire was getting impatient. I knew she wanted to plan our future. Find out where things with me were heading. But I could barely keep my head above water. The relationship just became too much emotionally for me to handle. So, I did the natural thing.”
“Blow her off?”
“Pretty much. I was already distancing myself. Making excuses not to see her and putting her calls to voicemail. She wanted to be there for me, but I felt suffocated. I just needed some space. I knew she was expecting a promise ring at some point. She kept talking about a future and moving past the pain together.”
“Ouch. She really didn’t have a clue, what was going on with your parents?”
He shakes his head.
“And you’ve never gotten anyone pregnant?”
“Not that I know of. Blaire’s been hanging around Hill’s Head. She has family in the area. Emily was just a hook up who wanted more. I want you to stay away from them both.”
“I can’t. I work with Anna, Emily’s sister, remember?”
“Right. Just promise me that you won’t let anyone get in your head, okay? Let’s see where this goes without anyone trying to interfere.”
“Okay,” I smile softly at him.
“Besides you, Barron is the only one who knows the whole story. The pressure was incredible on all sides. Everything just fell apart. It was too much. Thank God for Barron. He saw what I was going through and really stepped up. I trust Barron more than anyone. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, barely showered or ate. My room was a mess. B showed up one night and I didn’t have the heart to turn her away. She cleaned, picked up my laundry, put fresh sheets on my bed—while I just sat and moped.”
“She was good to you.”
I’m jealous hearing this and the history he had with this girl.
“Yes, she was. Anyway, I let her stay over. We ordered delivery and when the guy arrived, he screwed up our order giving us the wrong food. I became enraged and started yelling in his face that he was a stupid idiot. I scared the heck out of the poor guy.
But he really shit his pants when I picked up my computer and hurled it against the wall. B was terrified. She’s never seen me like that. She ran screaming out of Barron’s house. I knew I was spiraling out of control, but I kept going. I couldn’t stop months of rage from boiling over. I followed her out.
I told her she was shit in bed. That I had been hooking up with someone else on the side. She was wailing. Fat tears were raining down her face, and I felt shittier than I already did. But in the end, I got what I wanted. She left me alone for months. She didn’t deserve how I treated her. Blaire was actually a great girlfriend, just shit for timing.”
“Did you really cheat on her?”
“No, but it was close…I met Emily a month or so after. Anyway, the therapist Barron introduced me to saved my ass from flunking out. I was still a mess, but slowly pulled myself together.”
“You saw a therapist?”
“Tessa, I’m a private person. I’m trusting you with this because I want you to understand why I was such a dick to you when we first met. This stays between us.”
“Of course.”
“I pride myself on being successful. I want to earn every dollar in my bank account by myself. I won’t touch a dime of my father’s money. I work hard, I play hard, but back then I could barely function.”
He lets out a long breath and finishes his drink. The mighty and cocky Ryan Stone is vulnerable after all. He’s blowing me away tonight, sharing so much with me. He rocks back on his heels deliberating.
“Even after all this time—only Barron knows.”
“Tell me.”
“The thing is, Tessa, I was on anti-depressants. I needed help to get my head straight so I could finish school and start a successful career. The therapist Barron recommended gave them to me. The medication took a few weeks to kick in, and I started weekly counseling sessions. I graduated and never looked back. I’ll never forget how Barron stepped up and was there for me. He went from being a friend to a brother. I moved in with the Foster’s and transferred schools. We’ve been inseparable ever since.”
“I’m glad he was there for you. That’s how I feel about JD and Gabby. I would do anything for them. Do you still take the anti-depressants?”
“Yes. But, Tessa, it’s important that this stays between us. I want to work in a very cut-throat industry with high net worth individuals. The investors expect me to be top notch in every way. If this gets out, my internship and reputation at HSB could be in jeopardy.”
“What? No Ryan, that’s ridiculous.”
“Actually, it’s not. I’m being groomed to be an investment analyst. This could spook investors. Who would invest money in a firm where the guy putting together potential deals has a history of depression? People are already nervous with their capital today as they should be. Remember Bernie Madoff?
“Yes. My mom and I watched a movie about him on HBO.”
“Anyway, I think I’ll be okay now. I finally feel like the darkness inside has disappeared. There are days when Abby’s death hits me hard and I want to break everything in sight and get shit faced. But Barron drops everything, no matter where he is. He makes sure I’m not alone.”
“When did she…?”
“December twentieth.”
I take a deep breath. “I feel like crap. I was such a bitch to you last month.”
“No, I was a jerk and deserved it. Sorry for acting like a complete tool. I’ve gotten used to just treating all girls the same. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. But I do have one more question. Is this what you meant when you said you were a bad person?”
“Kind of—I guess. I just was trying to warn you. You’re what? Two years younger than me?”
“One.”
He shakes his head. “It’s two. Even though I’m one year ahead in school. My parent’s red-shirted me. They didn’t send me to grade school until six. They thought holding me back would give me an academic and athletic advantage.”
“Did it?”
He nods. “It did. I was smarter and stronger than anyone else in my class at both Pine Point and Beacon Hill Prep.”
“No wonder you seem so much more… than the rest of the guys.”
He smirks a bit. “Come here.” His hands run through my long, golden hair as he leans down and steals my breath.
When we both break for air, he tells me more. “I’ve been blowing through girls like this ship cuts through the water. My therapist said I shut myself off emotionally after Abby’s death because the pain of losing her was too much. It was just easier to stop myself from loving anyone or caring.
Hell, I’ll just be honest. It was easier just to get the sex with no strings. I just stopped giving a damn at how I came off to women. But when I met you—you pierced my black heart and it scared the shit out of me.”
“Is that why you never called?”
“Partly. I was also pissed that you called me a psycho. We had just met and obviously, I wasn’t going to tell you my life story. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you…wondering if I should’ve taken a chance…”
I smile softly and he tucks a piece of blowing hair behind my ear. With our hands locked together he leads me back to the blanket spread out on the deck.
I bend down and lounge against the cushions.
He ducks under the sail and snuggles up against me. I press a finger against his lips, lightly tracing them. This time, I don’t tease him but firmly take his lips with mine and open my mouth to let our tongues touch.
He pulls me on top of him, adjusting the blanket over us, and kisses me hard. I feel closer to him; more connected. His hands work up the hem of my dress. He caresses my thighs, stroking over them in rhythmic circles. He’s slow. Taking his time to make sure I’m okay with how he’s touching me. He pulls his mouth off mine to nip my neck and my hair falls over us.
“God baby—I want you so much.” He sounds pained as he falls off me. Probably not wanting me to feel pressured to do too much.
I sit up, straddling him… wanting to take all of his pain away. He’s been through so much. I want to chase his bad memories away with new ones of me.
I feel him between my legs, pressing against my cotton panties even through his shorts. I swallow hard because it feels both good but a bit scary. He bites his lip as he looks up at me. “It’s okay, baby. All I need is you in my arms, nothing else.”
Tears burn behind my eyes. “That’s what Kyle said. He lied.”
“I’m not him,” he growls, switching our positions so I’m underneath him. But he maneuvers himself in a way where I can’t feel his erection. He kisses me slow and sweetly but the pressure for more builds.
His lips and mouth are everywhere. My neck, behind my ear, the nook between my breasts. His hands roam over me, cupping my breasts. Our eyes meet. “Is this okay?” He asks, lowering his hands between my legs.
“Yes.” My breath hitches as his hands continue to explore. He finds me, flicking his finger over my sensitive nub, again and again.
But I need more. I grab his hand and press it harder where it hurts and is aching. He takes the hint and I moan as this privileged rebel makes me feel like his dirty queen.
“More?”
“Yes,” I pant.