Cupcake

by Mariah Jones

  We chatted idly about current events and Cupcake while we waited for dinner to be served. “I am so happy to hear that you got the business up and running the way you planned,” he said.

  I nodded. “It took a lot of work. There were times when I thought it would never actually open. Then, when it did, I spent my entire first day without a single customer who wasn’t related to me and thought I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. It turned out I had forgotten to flip the closed sign in my window over to open,” I laughed.

  Andrew laughed; a delightful, hearty sound that had always been one of the things I enjoyed about him most. “I can see how that might have deterred business,” he agreed.

  “When I spoke to your mom, it sounded as if she and your dad are doing well,” he said.

  I shrugged. “Mom never changes. She’s always more concerned with what’s going on in mine and Katie’s lives than her own.”

  “She loves you. She mean’s well,” Andrew commented.

  “I realize that. Sometimes it’s just hard to keep that in focus.”

  Our food came. I looked at the shrimp salad in front of me and wished it was a full New York Cheesecake. I pushed the thought from my mind. The fat caper strikes again, I considered privately.

  “If it wasn’t for your mother, I’m not sure I ever would have found you. So much has changed since I left. It was surreal, coming back here for the first time,” he said.

  “I can imagine it was,” I agreed. “Are you going to be staying in Portland?” I asked, and then wished I could take back the question.

  “That,” he said, looking up at me over the steaming plate of food before him, “Depends on a couple of factors.”

  I wondered if I was one of those factors.

  I scooped up a forkful of food and then set it back on the plate. I could feel an uncomfortable churning in my stomach and I knew I had to resolve the situation soon before it got too far out of control. “Andrew,” I began. “When you left I watched my whole world crumble. I had been convinced we would marry and by now we’d have little children running around.” I tried to think of what else to say but my mind was drawing a sudden blank.

  “I know I hurt you when I left,” Andrew agreed. “Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I was confused and I felt like it would be unfair to stick around and only give you half of myself. It took me a long time to discover that you were what I really wanted. I never laughed without you or smiled or enjoyed life the way I did when we were together.”

  My hands felt ice cold and I rubbed them together trying to produce some warmth. He was expecting a response but I had no idea what to say. “I’ve met someone,” I said bluntly.

  “Oh,” Andrew said quietly. “I guess I should have expected that. I gave you no indication that I would ever return.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said. I felt horrible that he had traveled all this way to see me and now it would be my turn to hurt him. I thought of Thorne, and knew I was making the right decision, but it didn’t make it any easier to say what needed to be said. I glanced over his shoulder as I tried to decide what to say next and to my surprise saw Nancy. Her arm was linked with that of an older gentleman and by the looks of things, a well-to-do older gentleman. I hoped she would remain too busy gold-digging to notice me. The situation was already awkward enough without her.

  “Andrew, I feel terrible. For so long I wondered what would have happened with us if you would’ve stayed. It took me months to just be okay again. I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else, but eventually I began to heal. I knew you had done what you felt was right and I never could’ve asked you to do anything else. So much has changed and things are different now.”

  I could see the shadows of sadness crossing Andrew’s face. I wished there was something I could say to make him feel better. “I never wanted to hurt you either,” I said softly.

  Andrew made a halfhearted attempt at a smile but the expression just looked out of place. Now he was the one fidgeting. “Darcy, I didn’t come here to upset you. I just thought… I don’t really know what I thought. I guess I had hoped that you might be in the position to give us another try.”

  “I’m sorry, but that isn’t possible,” I said.

  We ate quietly, not looking at each other. Both of us were dealing with different emotions and although we were silent the situation did not feel as uncomfortable, at least for me, as it had before we talked. Halfway through dinner our conversation picked up again. We avoided serious discussion and laughed over things in our past. We talked about movies and current events and had an amicable time.

  Andrew walked me to my car. The night was ending. Part of me couldn’t wait to be back at home and have it be over and yet part of me was sorry to see him walk out of my life again. My feelings for him had changed but I still wanted the very best for him. I wished in that moment that we could just be friends but I knew that wasn’t possible either.

  Swinging his car keys around his index finger nervously, Andrew looked up at the sky and then back at me. “I’m going to be in town until Sunday,” he said sadly. “After that I’m going back to my parent’s in New Hampshire. I thought I might stay there for a while until I can get back on my feet and figure out what this world has to offer.”

  I nodded, uncertain if he was expecting me to reply and finding I had nothing to say.

  “If you should change your mind, I’m staying at the Grand Beaumont, room 214. I know life has changed for us both.” His voice trailed off.

  “I wish you the best Andrew. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m…”

  My sentence was cut short as Andrew pulled me into his arms and kissed me. I didn’t struggle, but I also didn’t return his kiss. It ended abruptly as he realized I was making no attempt to respond to his affection.

  “I’m sorry Darcy. I don’t know what got into me. Maybe I thought if we kissed it would bring everything we had back.”

  I was searching for the right words to tell him it was okay and good night, when I noticed Nancy standing a few feet away, staring directly at me. She had seen the whole thing including the kiss. I could feel my stomach flip over and begin churning violently. She ground the toe of one leopard skin high-heel into the asphalt of the parking lot, continuing to look at me with a barely perceptible smirk. Trouble! My panicking mind began to scream at me. I glanced at Andrew and realized I hadn’t said anything to him since he kissed me.

  “I have to go.” It sounded so dismissive that I felt I needed to add something else. “It was good to see you again.” With that, I got into my car and backed out. I didn’t chance a look in the rearview mirror as I was afraid, Nancy would still be standing there with that mocking look on her face.

  ***

  The drive home was awful. I didn’t feel sad enough to cry and yet tears were leaking from my eyes. The thought of Nancy telling Thorne what she had seen whirled around in my head. It wasn’t that I hadn’t planned on telling him the truth. I knew from the moment it happened that I would be honest with him. I didn’t even view the kiss as my fault. I had done what I said I was going to do. I told Andrew that I had moved on and there would be no future together. Still, a part of me felt guilty that it had even happened.

  I looked at the clock on the dash of my car and noted that it was after nine. I wondered if I should call Thorne and talk to him about the situation, but it didn’t seem right to approach the subject over the phone. He was planning to return the next day. Besides, I reminded myself, the odds of Nancy getting to him before I did were slim-to-none.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Every rose has its Thorne

  I spent a rather sleepless night thinking about everything that was happening in my life. I made my best attempt to roll over and forget it all until morning, but I failed miserably. If I said I hadn’t considered the things Andrew had said to me, I would be lying. There was a small part of me that couldn’t help thinking about the comfortable life we had once shared. Th
orne and I were new and I had no guarantees that things would work out for us, which was deeply frightening. Andrew and I had not felt mismatched in my eyes the way Thorne and I were. Andrew was attractive in his own right, but I had never felt I didn’t measure up to him.

  I thought of Thorne punching the creep at the bar and knew for certain that Andrew never would have reacted that way. Even if our lives were in danger I doubt he ever would have done that. As the night wore on and my sleepiness made me less reasonable, I thought again of the look on Nancy’s face. She just seemed like the type who wouldn’t be able to help but gossip about something as juicy as a woman kissing another man while her boyfriend was away. She had been on the prowl for Thorne since the first minute she met him anyhow. I had no doubt whatsoever that she would revel in an opportunity to tear us apart.

  Morning came way sooner than should have been legal. The thought of Thorne returning excited me and terrified me at the same time. I couldn’t wait to see him, but I dreaded telling him about the kiss. What if he wasn’t as calm as my mind told myself he would be? What if he blew up at me, or worse, hunted down Andrew and gave him a taste of what the bar-guy got? I couldn’t imagine him acting that way, but I reminded myself that although we had shared a lot over the last few weeks, you never really knew what was going to happen until it actually did.

  I stumbled to the coffee maker and tried to remember how to use the damn thing. It has always amazed me how much sleep deprivation can lower your I.Q.

  The light on my phone was flashing again. Terror gripped my heart. It was more than likely my mother calling to ask if I may have run into Andrew yet. I could already hear the buttery dripping of her voice as she innocently hinted that I should be overwhelmed with joy to see him. “Sorry mom. You lose this one,” I said, pushing the play button on the machine. I was surprised to hear Thorne’s voice rather than that of my mother.

  He called to tell me he wasn’t able to get on the flight he had planned for as it was already full, but he would be leaving in the evening instead. He would get in pretty late, but he would love to see me if I was still up. He said he would call me again when he landed at the airport.

  In spite of my impending dread over the conversation yet to come, I couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his voice. He was so wonderful about calling to tell me his plans. He ended the message with another I love you, which I then played back half a dozen times like a girl in her teens would have. Mr. Muffins looked at me from the back of the couch with an expression of boredom. I waved him away. “You knock it off. You like him just as much as I do,” I scolded him. The cat yawned and curled up into a ball.

  I glanced at the clock and figured out I was going to be late to work again if I didn’t hurry up and get ready. I decided I didn’t care. I took my time taking a shower and getting dressed. I briefly considered the scale next to my toilet for a moment and then flipped it the middle finger instead. Today was not that day, I decided. I had enough to worry about.

  The morning went by faster than I expected. There was a steady stream of customers until lunch time, when I finally had the chance to sit down for a few minutes. My feet and back were both aching. I took off my left shoe for a moment and stretched out my toes. Fat people were not built for endurance, I thought.

  I hurriedly put my shoe back on when I heard the door bells jingle. I looked up to see none other than Nancy. My heart dropped into my stomach. Maybe this is a good thing, my mind said.

  Nancy looked rumpled. She was still wearing the same clothes she had been the night before and her hair was askew and her makeup badly needed a refresh. She looked old and tired and I wondered if she had even made it to bed the night before. “Good morning,” I said, really meaning go away.

  She stood with a hand on her hip. The expression appeared exaggerated as though she were posing for a fashion photographer. It was all I could do not to throw up. She offered a brief smile as she examined the contents of the bakery case in front of her. Obviously she was more interested in whatever she came to say than anything she might actually buy. I swallowed all the angry things I wanted to say and waited for her to begin.

  “I’m surprised to see you here this morning,” she finally said.

  “Why is that?” I asked, not allowing my voice to quaver.

  “I saw you out with that man last night. It was so apparent you are on the rebound from that amazing creature you were dating.”

  I could hear my throat click when I swallowed and suddenly understood how dragons could breathe fire. I didn’t like the decidedly unpleasant way she had said man. I was in an awkward position. If I told her Thorne and I were still dating she would no doubt question what I had been doing with Andrew. If I did nothing I would have to live with her assumptions.

  “Yes, right. I saw that you were out on a date of your own last night. It was good to see you out with someone closer to your own age,” I said, smiling internally.

  Nancy looked flustered for a moment. I watched her struggle to regain her composure. It was like watching good and evil do battle for a soul.

  “I’m sure you must be heartbroken,” she shot back at me in her best condescending tone. “I mean, for someone like you to attract the attention of a man like Thorne even for a short while must have been amazing, but for it to be over so soon…”

  I nearly gagged. “Is there something in the case that interests you today?” I asked, praying she would take the hint.

  “Not really. I think everything I’m interested in is in the next shop over actually,” Nancy purred disgustingly. I could feel the heat creeping into my face. I tried to remain calm. I tried really hard not to reply with anything rude or out of line. I should have gotten an award for how badly I failed.

  I walked around the corner of the counter just as Nancy was turning to leave. “Nancy,” I said. She turned just as I picked up a pastry from the counter top. “I may not be every man’s dream,” I began. “I may not be a super-model or turn heads in wonder when I walk into a room, but at least I have manners. If I were given the choice I would rather be a fat girl than an over-the-hill floozy like you.”

  Nancy took a step toward me and opened her mouth to reply, but never got the chance. I crammed the entire pie I was holding into the top of her low-cut blouse. “There you go. A tart for a tart, now get out of my store.”

  Nancy’s eyes were wide with horror, but she made no further protest. She huffed and puffed her way out the door and out of sight. I heard giggling behind me. When I turned, my sister and Jenny were doubled over with laughter.

  “What?” I asked. They were laughing too hard to even bother to try answering me.

  ***

  That evening Andrew called and apologized to me for the kiss the night before. He sounded genuinely upset with himself for his behavior and even though I repeatedly told him it was okay and things were fine, he still insisted that he would understand if I never wanted to speak to him again.

  We talked for the better part of an hour and I came away feeling better about the whole thing, and hoped he did as well. Once again he was sure to leave me his room number, although I was pretty sure he didn’t actually expect me to show up.

  I looked at the clock. It was almost six. Thorne thought he would be in before midnight. I considered what I was going to say to him again, feeling the guilt over the unintended kiss creep into my belly again. I looked around me as though I were lost. I couldn’t think of a single thing to do to while away the hours until his plane landed, so I made a crucial mistake. I headed for the bathroom and stepped on the evil torture contraption that was my bathroom scale.

  I hadn’t weighed myself for a number of weeks and I had noticed, or thought I did, perhaps just wishful thinking, that my pants seemed to be fitting a little looser around the waist.

  I closed one eye as I waited for the number to settle on the glaring eyeball of a screen. I let out a sigh of disgust when the number stopped flashing. I had managed since my last weigh-in to gain eight pounds. I st
epped off the scale, convinced that it must be broken. I stepped back on it again. It flashed for what seemed like an eternity and then showed the same number again. As I stood there I swear the tiny screen suddenly became Nancy’s face. “Someone like you…” I heard her taunting voice in my ears.

  There was only one way to resolve this situation. I grabbed up the scale and promptly walked out the door to my back patio. “Screw you!” I shouted as I flung the scale to the ground. My mind saw pieces of plastic and little thing-a-ma-bobbers and doo-hickies flying every different direction as a result of my rage. The disappointing truth was, not a damn thing happened. The scale laid there, upside-down in one piece, taunting me like a bully on a playground. I kicked at it with the toe of my shoe, delicately, as though I expected some form of retaliation. How could a scale that was the cheapest one on the shelf at my local superstore be this resilient I wondered? I picked it up off the ground and held it high over my head before slamming it to the concrete with all the force I could muster. The battery compartment on the back of the scale flew off and the batteries rolled out, but still, nothing else happened. So, I did what any mature self-controlled woman would do. I put the batteries back in and stepped onto the scale. I waited for it to stop flashing. I weighed ten pounds less than I had before. I knew it. The piece of crap had been broken. Good then, I had fixed it. If only all problems were so easy to navigate.