by Shay Hunter
“I haven’t changed a thing, Wisdom. Just didn’t tell her yet that’s all.”
“You were supposed to tell her last week. What you gonna do when it’s time for us to move into our house? Move out at the last minute? Without giving her notice?”
“You don’t understand. The three of us have taken care of each other so long that I don’t think she’ll be able to handle it.”
He frowned and stuffed his hands into his jean pockets. “Then what are you saying? That you’re not moving with me? That you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with your cousins?” He laughed.
“Of course I’m not saying that.”
“Then it’s simple. We’re moving into our home in three months and you’re moving in with me in my apartment in a month. In order to do that you gotta tell her, Carlita. I let Monique come in the way of our relationship too long. I’m done with that and you should be to.”
If only things were that easy. I knew immediately that all hell was about to break loose in my world.
I could feel it.
CHAPTER FOUR
SPYRELLA
I lit the third coconut-scented candle and walked into the kitchen to check on the steaks in the oven. I was preparing them with cheddar-mashed potatoes, biscuits and spinach. I had an apple pie on the side that I would cook once dinner was done because I wanted things nice. After hearing Monique’s voice I realized things needed to be perfect.
When Monique called earlier and told me what she wanted to eat I was in a good mood because she sounded happy, excited about the club opening and for some reason I was too. Maybe it was because lately she spent too much time here while the club was being fixed. And since she was always home she always found more to complain about.
When I placed the finished meal on the warmers I turned up the radio, which was on the quiet storm. Chris Brown’s song ‘2012’ blasted from the speakers and standing in the kitchen I danced as the music moved through my soul. Other than when I was eating the only time I felt alive was when I was dancing. And I only did that when I was alone or in a good mood.
I kept my eyes closed and for the moment I wasn’t some big woman who lost touch with her body. I was slim and in shape like I had been before my world came to an end.
I was dancing off the second verse when I heard Carlita giggling. “Looking good, cousin!” She was clapping excitedly and behind her stood Poe and Monique, who didn’t seem too happy.
My body felt flushed.
“Damn, girl you still got moves,” Poe said. “I see you over there.” He nodded.
I turned the music at a low level and tried not to grin. “Don’t play, Poe.” I moved to the stove and stirred the mashed potatoes. “I was just goofing off. No need for charity compliments.”
He walked deeper inside and stood behind me. I felt his eyes all over me and I didn’t understand why. If he didn’t stop staring I was gonna vomit because I imagined all of the things he was pointing out wrong with my body. “I don’t say things I don’t mean. You really looked good. You should get back to what you love.”
“He’s right, Spy. You still got that shit!” Carlita said moving closer. “Plus it’s a good way to workout!”
I considered what they were saying when I looked into their eyes and saw the seriousness. Maybe I could dance again. Maybe if I tried hard enough I would lose the weight. I started to consider the impossible until I heard Monique’s screeching laughter. “I was gonna stay quiet but now ya’ll doing too much. Got this girl in here thinking big bitches are supposed to be dancing sexy.”
“Monique, leave it alone,” Poe snapped. “If you feel differently keep it to yourself. This is just me and Carlita’s opinion.”
“Which part of it do you want me to leave alone? The part that you lying to my cousin or the part that she so dumb she might be over there believing you?”
Everyone was standing in the kitchen, a place I considered my own. No one ever came in here unless they wanted me to cook and I didn’t realize until that moment how much I liked it that way. Isolation has benefits. It prevents you from getting your feelings hurt.
“She’s right,” I said walking around them toward the refrigerator. I had tasted the mashed potatoes and they weren’t cheesy enough so I needed to fix them. “I was just fooling around. I’m not even into dancing anymore. Gave it up a long time ago.”
“You see, even she knows she’s a fat mess,” Monique said throwing her arms up before allowing them to drop to her sides. I didn’t know she was so close to my body until she grabbed a handful of the flesh on my arm and wiggled it. “I mean look at this shit, she’s massive.” She released. “Before she even thinks about dancing anywhere let alone in public she needs to be working out in the gym.
“After all these years you still don’t know what to say out your mouth,” Poe said. “I’m going in the living room. Let me know when dinner’s ready, Spy. By the way everything looks good. Thank you for cooking for me.” He smiled at me and looked at Mo angrily.
From the corner of my eye I saw Carlita looking at me intensely. Like she felt sorry for me again.
Suddenly I was overwhelmed and I ran out of the kitchen and into my room, slamming the door behind myself. Lying face down on the bed I was mad when five minutes later the door opened. Without even looking I knew who it was. “Go away, Carlita. I want to be alone right now.”
“I’m leaving…”
I turned my head to the side to look at her. “What you mean?”
“I’m moving out and you should go too. One of the reasons I stayed so long was because I was worried that you would never go if I left first.”
“It’s not that easy for me.” I sat up in the bed and looked over at her. “If we go, if we leave, she’ll—”
“Have to take care of herself.” She shrugged. “Nobody wants to leave her less than me. I know she talks a lot of shit and is more bark than bite. Still the way she treats you is unacceptable, Spy. Go, and live your life.”
“But where? I’ve never been anywhere but here.”
“Anywhere is better than this. And don’t say you don’t have the money because you’ve been saving thousands of dollars. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have over 100 thousand saved.”
I laughed. “Only $45,000.”
She chuckled. “You see, plenty.” She shoved my arm.
“But I’ve never lived on my own. What will I do?”
“You will live your life.”
“Should I tell her?”
Carlita sighed. “I think you owe her at least that but if you don’t she deserves that too.”
I hated to admit it but as mean as Mo was to me, I was afraid. Afraid of what it meant to be on my own and afraid of leaving Monique. But Carlita was right; it was time for me to move on.
CHAPTER FIVE
SPYRELLA
I sat in the car I never used unless I was grocery shopping and stared at my mother.
She was sitting outside, on a park bench, with three equally dingy men standing in front of her. She looked engaged in conversation but I didn’t understand how it was possible to be happy with nothing. She didn’t have a home. I never did fathom how she could live outside year after year no matter the conditions.
My mother gave up on life a long time ago, when she burned down our house after my father left her for a white woman. Dad cheated before but no other woman sent her through the roof but Beth. When asked why, after she was arrested and put in prison for five years she said, “I can be skinnier. I can get plastic surgery to be prettier. But if he wants a white woman I can’t compete.”
My dad and Beth were murdered after her boyfriend found out they were getting married but my mother still went deeper into depression. After getting released from prison she vowed never to build a home again, despite my needing her help.
When she was sent away it was my aunt Levine who treated me okay, just as long as I knew that Monique was her pride and joy. If she bought Monique new clothes for school she would make
sure they were designer, while I got stuff from Target or Wal-Mart. I knew she cared about me but there was always a difference.
Growing up without my mother made me miserable.
I got out of my car and walked toward the bench. A dirty man who wore a stained, brown button down looked at me and said, “Diane, is that your daughter?”
My mother turned around and her expression flattened when she saw my face. She wasn’t cheerful like she was moments earlier. Once again she was unhappy to see me. “Yeah, she’s mine.” She slid off the bench and walked toward me, her hands stuffed into her pockets.
Her hair was braided but you could tell they’d been in so long that they dreaded. I could smell the dried urine that soaked itself into her clothing and wanted to throw up as she moved closer. The scent was overpowering.
I was about to back up but she hugged me, her onion scented underarm near my nose. I held my breath and didn’t breathe again until she released me. “What you doing here, Spy? I…I didn’t expect you. I would’ve cleaned up a little.”
I don’t know how you gonna do that.
“I know, ma, just wanted to see you that’s all so I popped up.” I felt uncomfortable looking at her. Smelling her. “I’m just happy I didn’t miss you. I’ve been here before but you weren’t home…I mean…around.”
She cleared her throat. “Is everything cool with you?” she looked me over, maybe checking for bumps or bruises. “You looked like you gained a little more weight, Spy.” There was a nervous smile on her face. “You were always so thin and beautiful. Now…well now…”
I tried to hold back my tears. Besides, there was no use in crying. I had a plan and it was simple. And because she ruined my life I wanted her along for the ride when I finished. “I know, Ma. I guess life got in the way. Not everybody can have it all like you. In this perfect world.”
Her light brown skin reddened. “I deserved that,” she said.
I shrugged.
“You know I’m not trying to be mean, Spy, it’s just that I haven’t seen you in months.”
“I guess I don’t get out much. But I’m here now.”
She frowned and looked confused. “Wait, is my sister okay?”
Since Carlita’s mother joined a convent when Carlita was five, I figured she was talking about Aunt Levine. “Haven’t seen her but I think she’s okay.”
She nodded. “So what did I do to deserve this visit?”
I wanted to ask her why she chose this life like I had so many times. But I also knew she was tired of the same questions. At the end of the day she was where she wanted to be. “If I got a place, something big enough for both of us, would you give it a try and live with me?”
She sighed and moved her head from left to right as if frustrated. You would’ve thought I asked to borrow money. Instead I was offering her the chance to have a warm place to sleep and shower.
At least for a little while.
“I don’t know, Spy you know how I feel about sponging off folks.”
“But I’m not folks, I’m your daughter.”
“But how would I pay my own way? I don’t even have a job.”
“Well how do you take care of yourself out here, ma? One of them men looking out?”
She looked away from me and then at the ground. “We have people who come through to give us food and stuff. Some kind of way I always make it work.”
“Well I want to do the same thing for you. I would take care of you until you got on your feet.”
She rolled her eyes and tucked her hands under her pits. “Just like I thought, sponging.”
I exhaled. “Ma, I don’t like you out here. And I know you consider this place home but it’s not. Don’t make no sense you here when you have family who would be willing to let you stay if you asked.”
“What family?” she asked sarcastically. “My sister Levine who spit on me when I accidently sat on her sofa? Even though I didn’t want to go to her house but went only because she begged and said she missed me? Or are you talking about that mean ass niece of mine who is so evil you can see the 6’s on her forehead?”
I shook my head. “As mean as Monique is she has asked you to stay with her plenty of times.”
“She did that because people think I’m charity. The thing to do when your life is fucked up and you want to make the world a better place. But like I said, I’m good out here.”
“You abandoned me as a child, ma. You left me alone just because a man didn’t want you. He left, but I didn’t and all I’m asking is that you stay with me for a few months now, while I get on my feet. Can you do one thing for me, finally? So that I don’t have to be alone.”
She looked like she was thinking about it. “I don’t know about living with you, Spy. I would feel…I would feel…unwanted.”
“Mama, I’m going through something. I guess more mental than anything but I need you. I need you with me.”
She looked at me, looked up at the sky and back at her friends who were cracking open a can of beer. “I can’t.” She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek forcing me to smell her body odor again. “I’m sorry.” She turned around and joined her friends.
****
I looked at the piece of paper in my lap and back at the single brick home. The address appeared correct so I figured this was the place. I took a deep breath and pushed out of my car. When I knocked on the door I was about to turn around when an elderly white lady with a grey beehive opened it. “Spyrella Combs?”
I turned around and smiled. “Uh, yes. It’s me.”
“Did you want to see the house?”
I swallowed. “It’s still available?”
“Of course. And since I have to move down south to be with my sick mother I’m willing to knock off a few hundred dollars a month. Bringing the price to $1,100.”
I thought about my life and my plan to get my mother back. Seemed like a nice enough place despite not going inside yet. “I’ll take it.”
She laughed. “But you haven’t seen it yet.”
“Trust me, I know I want it.”
“Well come on inside to see your new home.”
She didn’t know but the conditions wouldn’t matter anyway. My plan was to tie my mother downstairs, set the house on fire and then take my life.
I just wanted to make sure she watched me end it.
CHAPTER SIX
MONIQUE
Eyes still closed, I rolled over, reached out and touched the cool side of my bed. The place where Poe was before I went to sleep. I tried my best to stay up last night when we were up watching television, knowing that if I didn’t when I woke up he’d be gone.
Last night, after eating, he followed me to my room fully clothed. He was still hot over the words I had for Spy but after awhile he got over it.
We talked about the past, when we were in school and all the crazy shit that happened to us. He thanked me for being by his side again while he reopened Skeezers and although my pussy was juicing and I wanted to fuck, he chose to lay next to me and stroke my hair probably knowing I’d fall to sleep.
Irritated, head throbbing, I stomped toward my door and pulled it open. I didn’t smell food, which was fucked up because Spy knew she had to cook every morning, especially on the days I worked late at the club. I couldn’t take my medicine without food.
She’s a selfish bitch.
Because of all of the things going on in my life, mostly negative, I was on a lot of meds. I took something for depression, something for migraines and something for my neck. It was broken two years ago when I was raped after leaving Skeezers.
The rapist waited until I came outside, slammed his hand over my nose and mouth and dragged me in an alley. I was on the ground when he ripped my pants off and shoved his penis inside me while my neck was on two bricks that must’ve fell off the wall. I was in severe depression for six months and for real I haven’t been right since.
For one I hated being alone, which is why I had two roommates. And secondly I get
nervous if my world changes in any way. I liked things to stay the same because it’s how I maintained my sanity. Most people liked new and exciting things but not me. That’s why I didn’t leave Skeezers even though I could go to more luxurious spots and get more money.
This is why I’ve been in this house since I bought it the first year I started stripping because it was mine and it was home. And this is why I didn’t want Poe to leave me.
No changes!
Ever!
When I walked into Spy’s room to wake her fat ass up I was surprised that everything was neat. Too neat. Normally she’d have clothing hanging off her mirror so she couldn’t see her fat face, along with stuff thrown all on the floor. Now as I looked around I didn’t see anything. When I walked to her closet I was shocked. Everything’s gone.
When did she leave?
I rushed out of her bedroom and looked around the kitchen. It was clean but I could sense that she hadn’t been here. Spy would never have done anything like this on her own.
“She moved out,” Carlita said leaning on the frame in her own bedroom doorway. “Last night I think.”
I walked up to her. “You mean you knew this shit and didn’t tell me?”
“To be honest, Monique I didn’t think you would care.” She scratched her head and yawned. “Every time you talk to her you’re screaming. I don’t think she could take it anymore.”
I opened my mouth but the words didn’t come out. To be honest I don’t know why I was finding this so hard to believe. “If Spy got mad because I didn’t want her going out here in these streets flaunting her body around, knowing how people feel about fat people, then let her be mad.”
“You hurt her on a daily basis, Mo. You know I love you but you can be harsh sometimes. Even Poe said that.”
I laughed. “So now I’m the bad guy?”
“I don’t think you’re bad but Spy looks up to you and I think you really got to her last night.”