by Toni Aleo
For the next few moments, we don’t move. I hug him hard, loving the feel of him against me as his lips trail kisses up my neck and back down again. I hate myself for resisting him the way I did, because if I hadn’t, I would have had more time to memorize the feel of him against me. I think I’ll be doing that a lot from now on. Because when he’s gone, blowing the world away with his talent in the NHL and living his dream, I want to be able to remember everything about this moment.
The moment I knew I’d never love another man the way I love Ryan.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Sofia
We arrive at Mrs. Justice’s house a little late, but I don’t think she minds too much. The moment the door opens, she envelops Ryan in a huge hug, and then she demands he tell her everything. That’s when I slip away. Not only do I need to change, but I need panties. I feel so dirty being around his mom with nothing covering the parts Ryan can’t seem to keep his hands off of. Walking down the hall of Ryan’s house, which is equally as massive as Shea’s, I hear Shelli and Amelia in her room. I sneak into the bathroom because I just need a second to breathe.
Shutting the door quietly, I turn, pressing my back to it before covering my mouth with my hand to muffle my sob. When I slide down the door, my ass hits the cold floor, but I just don’t care. I unload. I’m crying silently the way I did when I would hide in my gym after my coach would rip me a new one. I don’t know how many times that man screamed at me that if I didn’t stop fucking up, he’d rip my head off and shit down my throat.
I don’t ever want to be that coach. My girls will never cry the way I did. They’ll love me, and I’ll love them. They’ll be proud to call me their coach. If I even make it. Because at this moment, I want to give it all up and follow Ryan anywhere. I won’t, but I fucking want to. I cover my face as I cry, gasping for breath as my tears rush down my face. I’m unsure what crying about all this is going to do right now, but I have to get it out.
I seriously thought my plan was solid. I thought I would tell him, and he’d be just as excited as me, if not more. He’d tell me he loved me, and I would tell him the same, and we’d live happily ever after. Instead, I’m in the guest bathroom of his parents’ huge house, a room the size of my whole apartment back in Nevada, crying my ass off.
This is why boys are trouble. This right here, this feeling of despair. They make you fall so hard, head over heels for them, and make you want to do stupid stuff. Stuff you would never in your life consider. The thing is, if Ryan knew I wanted to do half the things that are running through my mind right now, he’d be livid. Because he is a good man, and he wants the best for me.
But in my head, the best for me is him.
“Damn it,” I cry, closing my eyes so tightly and wishing like hell I were anywhere but here. I need to breathe, and right now, I feel like I’m suffocating.
When a knock comes on the door, I hold my breath, wiping my face quickly.
“Sofia?” Amelia asks, and my lip juts out, wobbling.
“Yeah?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even.
“Hey, open up.”
“Um…”
But she’s already pushing the door open. It crashes into me, and when she peeks her head in, her brows are mushed together. When she realizes I’m crying, though, she falls to her knees, shutting the door and gathering me in her arms. “Oh no. What’s wrong? Did Ryan do something? I’ll kill him.”
I shake my head as a silent sob leaves my lips before I wrap my arms around her, clinging to her. “No, he’s amazing.”
“Is your mom okay?”
“She’s fine,” I cry into her shoulder, and I feel so stupid. “I love him.”
She goes still, and then she’s patting her hand to my back. “Oh, Sofia.”
“I know, you warned me. But I didn’t listen, and I fell hard for him. I love him with all my heart and soul, and he’s leaving. He won’t ever be here, and he’d never let me come with him. How am I supposed to let him go? And am I stupid for loving him when it’s obvious he hasn’t fallen for me?”
She squeezes me tightly, her lips by my temple as she rocks us back and forth, trying to soothe me. “Oh, Sofia,” she whispers. “I knew this was going to happen, and I probably shouldn’t have put y’all together, but I knew how great you’d be as a couple.”
“And we are,” I say, pulling back to look at her. “Amelia, he’s perfect, so gentle and kind, and he would do anything for me. He runs with me every morning ’cause he knows I hate it. He works out with me because it’s fun when we’re together. I watch him play, and I love it. He watches me, and I feel so good when he does. He’s amazing, and a day doesn’t pass where he doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful. Come on, how the hell am I supposed to get over that?”
“You won’t,” she says softly. “He’ll always have your heart, and any man you even try to get with won’t last ’cause they aren’t him.”
“Wow, thanks,” I say, annoyed as I cover my face. “That doesn’t help a thing.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
“So, what do I do? I can’t break up with him. I don’t want to and…ugh, this is so stupid.”
“Just enjoy the time—”
“Oh God, please don’t finish that sentence,” I moan, letting my head fall between my knees. Looking at the bright-white tile, I inhale deeply. “I love him so much, and I wish I were smart like he was and kept my feelings locked up.” She scoffs at that, and I look up at her. “What?”
“Sofia, come on. He is absolutely in love with you.”
I gawk at her. “He hasn’t said it.”
“Probably because he knows it’ll complicate things,” she says, reaching out and taking my hand in hers. “He doesn’t want to hurt you, and if he tells you he loves you, it will make this so much harder when he leaves.”
My lip wobbles as another sob starts to build up in my chest. Blinking back the tears, I whisper, “I don’t want him to leave.”
“Aw,” she coos before leaning her head to mine. “I know. I didn’t want Drew to go either, but he did.”
Because he’s a jackass who doesn’t deserve you. But I don’t say that. Instead, I ask, “How did you handle it?”
“I slept with Moon.”
I go still. “Excuse me?”
When I look up to her, she’s just grinning. “What?”
“You slept with Moon?”
“Yeah,” she says, shrugging her shoulders. “That night at the party, I pulled him in the bathroom, and we started making out. Things were great, it was awesome, and then we got down to business. He was a great rebound.”
I just blink at her. “You slept with Moon?”
“Sofia, it’s a pretty easy concept. You don’t have to keep repeating it.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand. You never told me!”
“’Cause we promised we never would,” she says with a shrug. “But now that he’s off to wherever he is going, and I’m off to Philly—”
“Whoa, what?”
She’s so calm as she shrugs again. “Sofia, the last week with Drew was magical. I love him so much, and he has this great apartment for us. I’m gonna transfer to a school in Philly next year.”
“But the team?”
“I’m gonna try out for their team.”
When the tears start down my face again, I don’t even try to stop them. “So I’ll lose you and Ryan?”
Her face changes within seconds, her eyes welling up as she reaches for me. “Oh, Sofia, you’re so strong, you’ll be fine.”
“But I love you too, and you make me a better person.”
“No, you make me better,” she stresses as she holds my face, wiping away the tears. “And who knows? I may come back if it doesn’t work out. I don’t know, but I have to try.”
As I gaze into her eyes, I wonder if I should do the same. Go wherever Ryan signs. I’m sure I can open a gym. Yeah, that’s a great plan.
Except Ryan would never go for it.
�
��Do you think he wants to leave me?”
Amelia shakes her head quickly. “Not at all. But then, he knows you’ll never find what you have here. A full ride, a sponsor, and we all know damn well there are tons of elite gyms, but there isn’t one here. It needs one, run by you.”
I know all this, but the thought of being with him, loving him for the rest of my life sounds so perfect. “But what about what I want? Or better yet, who I want?”
She shrugs. “That’s the difference between you and me. I don’t care about the other stuff. I care about love.”
Her words play over and over again in my head. Soon, I’m shaking my head in disgust. “No, there is no difference. I care about love too. I love Ryan.”
“Then there is a difference between Ryan and Drew. Ryan would never let you give everything up. Drew would.”
“And you want that?” I find myself asking, and she nods.
“I do.”
“Why?”
“Because I love him, Sofia.”
“But I love Ryan, and you don’t see me trying to throw everything away,” I explain, but she shakes her head.
“Because we both know Ryan wouldn’t let you. He’s selfless. He cares about everyone else before himself.”
“Amelia, don’t you see you deserve that?”
“I don’t want it,” she says. “Because if I had it, I’d be sitting on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out over a love I’m losing.” I blink at her as she cups my face. “I love you, Sofia. I do and I always will, but you can’t even begin to understand what Drew and I have. I love him, and I’m going to marry him. So please don’t judge me.”
“But, Amelia—”
She stands, holding her hand up. “I am so sorry you’re upset, and I wish it were different for you. I do, because you two are so damn good together, but alas, it isn’t. So my advice is to start putting some space between—”
“No,” I say, cutting her off and standing too. “I won’t. I love him, and I will love him until he is gone and away. Then I’ll love him more while we both live our dreams. Maybe one day we’ll come back together, maybe we won’t. But I’ll always have this. Us. To remember. And I’ll have my goals and dreams.”
She nods. “Hope those goals and dreams keep you warm at night.”
“Not everyone needs someone else to keep them warm.”
“Easy to say now when you have that person, but you’ll see how awful it can be when he is gone.”
A silence falls between us, and for the first time, I feel betrayed by Amelia. I know she is defending her love, as am I, but this isn’t her. I don’t know if this is Drew’s Amelia or what, but I want my Amelia back. “I don’t know how this turned so ugly. I don’t want it to be like this with you,” I say, my eyes searching hers. “I’m not trying to judge you. I just want the best for you.”
“You don’t know what the best is for me. No one does.”
“But, Amelia—”
“Just drop it, Sofia. For the sake of our friendship, drop it.”
I press my lips together as she inhales. “I have to follow my heart, and it leads to Drew.”
I don’t say anything. I stare into her eyes, and I wish like hell Drew would disappear. He’s going to ruin her. I know he is. “I love you, Amelia.”
She wasn’t expecting that; her face says so before she nods slowly. “And I love you.”
My heart is thumping into my ribs as I hold her gaze. When she looks away, it’s to reach for the doorknob before pulling the door open and leaving the bathroom without a backward glance. When the door shuts, I close my eyes and sit down on the closed toilet.
And I sob.
Because, come this May, I will not only lose the man I feel is the love of my life, but I’ll lose my best friend too.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Ryan
Man, my fucking chest hurts.
I have been waiting to get home for the last nine days, to hold Sofia, to touch her, to kiss her. And while I got to do all that and then some, she broke my fucking heart. Smashed it. I know I hurt her. I know she’s upset, but what am I supposed to do? Go along with her plan? Act like it will work out? That isn’t fair to her or me. Because it won’t. I know it won’t. She won’t ever be happy, and I can’t do that to her.
Fuck, this sucks.
As I go over my amazing trip with the Assassins, my mom is so into it. She’s excited, hanging on my every word, but my mind is flooded with thoughts of Sofia. I want to run to the bathroom, slam my body to hers, and tell her let’s try it. Let’s only see each other maybe once a month, have summers and possibly holidays. I want to tell her there is no one I’ll ever love but her and I don’t want to lose her. I know that isn’t right, though. She deserves so much more than that.
She deserves a man who can give her everything she wants, and that may not be me.
Damn it, I just wish I had a crystal ball, and it could tell me exactly what I need to know. Will I make it, or will I fail? If I knew, I could plan this and try to figure out how to get her to want me as much as she does now when she finds out I’m a complete loser. Why is life so hard? I just want to be back on that plane with the team, traveling and helping the guys. I want to wake up, call her, and see her beautiful face. Know that I’m coming home to her. Know that she is waiting for me.
Damn it.
“So, it was awesome?”
I grin, covering up the fact that I want to ball up and let myself sob like a child. I haven’t done that since I lost my dad, but looking into Sofia’s defeated eyes, I want to do just that. Though, I can’t. “It was freaking fantastic, Mom. They’re all so much fun. The guys all pick on each other, but they love each other. DJ and Mikey are hilarious. They were constantly messing with me, but they taught me so much. I learned things I haven’t even learned in school yet. This is by far the best gift Elli has ever given me.”
“Good, ’cause we didn’t buy you anything for Christmas,” Shea says as he comes into the kitchen, taking off his jacket. I smile ruefully as he kisses my mom before slapping hands with me. “Heard the trip went great.”
“Really great. The guys are on a winning streak, and it was a lot of fun.”
“Fantastic. I saw you on TV—proud uncle moment,” he says, standing beside me with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Yeah, it was awesome. I was so freaked out I would fall and eat the ice, but once I got to Burlesski, I was good.”
“We were all so proud, and you look so great in those purple track suits,” Mom says, patting my hand. “I’m so glad it went well.”
“It did,” I say, and then I remember what I needed to do before Sofia came back in here. “Hey, did you pick that thing out for me, Mom?”
“Pick what?” Shea asks, but my mom is up, moving to the counter.
“Yes,” she says, pulling out a little blue box. She hands it to me, and my breath catches when I open it. My dad spoiled my mom with jewelry. That was his jam, and Mom ate it up. She loved it. When I asked if there was something she was willing to part with since Sofia made me promise I wouldn’t buy her anything, Mom said she had the perfect piece for Sofia. “Daddy gave me this when I had you.”
Running my finger along the heart-shaped diamond pendant, my hearts knocks in my chest. “Wow.”
“Turn it over.”
I do as she asks, and on the back is a silver plate. Engraved in it is my name, Ryan James. I whip my head to my mom. “Mom, this is special. Are you sure?”
“Yes. He got me an earring and bracelet set with your name engraved in it too. I promise. You know I don’t really wear necklaces.”
My stomach twists with pain, missing my dad so much but loving my mom all the more. “Are you sure?”
“Ryan,” she says, cupping my face before kissing me hard on the cheek. “I adore her, and I know you do. I wanted you to give her something special.”
Emotion chokes me as I look down at my name, knowing my dad spent hours picking this out for her. I know becau
se there wasn’t a birthday of my mom’s where Amelia and I weren’t in a jewelry store with my dad. He got some kind of high from buying her lavish gifts. I can still remember her breathless gasp, her squeal before she wrapped her arms around him and told him how much she loved him. It was my favorite thing about her birthday.
“Mom, I don’t—”
“Do you think she’ll love it?”
I look up at her and nod. “She’ll freak over it.”
“Good,” she says with a wink. She moves her thumb along my cheek. “When you love someone, you want them to be happy. Since I love you, and you love her, I think this is the best thing to give her.”
My heart stops. How does she know I love Sofia?
“She’s great, Ryan. Really. We all think so,” Shea says, squeezing my shoulder.
I look to my mom and then to Shea, noting the softer feminine features that are the only difference from my uncle’s manly ones. Same eyes, same smile, and I feel like I’m going to puke. “But if I make it in the NHL, I’ll lose her.”
Shea cups the back of my neck, squeezing it hard. “You’ll never truly lose her, buddy. She’ll always be yours.”
“In here,” Mom says, pressing her hand to my heart. “You don’t ever get over your first love. I know,” she says with a wink.
“There were many times when I thought I would lose Elli. She was a skittish one, man—”
“God, she sure was,” Mom says with a laugh. “But Shea loves her.”
“And while sometimes love isn’t enough, sometimes it’s more than enough.”
Mom nods, her eyes burning into mine. “No matter what, Lord knows she wouldn’t let you go far without her. We all see it. You two are amazing together.”
But I shake my head. “She has big plans. She has done her research. She knows this state needs an elite gym, and she is going to do it—”
“And all that is sound, bud. But sometimes, things work out the way they should. So maybe instead of worrying about losing her, just thank God for her.”
I swallow hard as I look between the two of them. I love these two a hell of a lot. They are pillars in my life. My best friends. The two people I know, no matter what, will have my back.