Through the Wooden Door

by K Carr

  “For the record,” he said with low intensity. “I don’t actually have a type.” Then Connor grinned. “Yes, I’ll be your valentine tomorrow.”

  I stepped back. “Woah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s not that serious. It’s just a party.”

  He winked at me then his expression changed. “Wait a second,” He glanced at Lala suspiciously. She did nothing to hide the fact she was rubber-necking our conversation. “Is this some sort of dare or something?”

  “No.” I rushed to say.

  Connor started to frown. “So, I’m like a last resort then?”

  “Um, what?” I folded my arms again.

  “I mean,” Connor took a step backwards. “You’re asking me today,” He held both hands up and shrugged. “Valentine’s day is tomorrow. Did your real valentine stand you up? Am I a dud replacement or something?”

  “What?” I dropped my arms. “Why are you harping on about Valentine’s?”

  “Well,” Connor folded his arms across his bare chest and deepened his frown. He had really pretty eyes. I hadn’t had the opportunity before to stare into them as much as I was doing now. Connor had lovely eyes. And chest…his chest was fantastic. His legs too, pure muscle, like his arms, and abs...I couldn’t forget those firm abs. He bit his lower lip hard for a second and squinted at me. “It is Valentine’s Day tomorrow and it just seems a bit out of the blue,” He shrugged again. “You asking me out. I don’t know. Um,”

  I was mortified now. The two instructors, like Lala, were openly listening to Connor and me. They looked like they had a vested interest in the outcome of the conversation. I could never come back here. I would need to find a new place to climb.

  “Look,” I dropped my voice to an embarrassed whisper. “Do you want to come or not? It’s no big deal.”

  Connor squinted at me again. A proper squint. Why was he acting as if I was on some bullshit? He didn’t even know me!

  “I’ll come.” he agreed slowly.

  “Good.” I huffed.

  “You should exchange numbers.” Lala suggested loudly from behind me.

  Damn, this was all her doing. I shouldn’t have let her goad me into asking him out, but he had said yes. I couldn’t stop the grin creeping across my face as Connor started asking the instructors if they had a pen. He was cute though.

  I couldn’t stop the reminiscent smile from stretching my mouth as I watched the elderly couple. My first date with Connor had been amazing. He had been quite attentive that night, funny and attentive, and taking his role of being my valentine seriously enough to chase away a few guys who thought I was open to their attention even though we had walked in together. At the end of the night he had given me a chaste kiss on the cheek and made a joke about how he hoped I hadn’t stereotyped him and assumed because he was blonde that he was easy. I chuckled to myself, remembering how he had given me a mock scowl and warned I would have to earn his trust before he would sleep with me. I had asked him if that amateurish reverse psychology shit ever worked. He had laughed and refused to answer my question. It probably had worked on numerous girls back then. Connor was a good-looking man, always had been.

  He looked ill at the cemetery though. Was he taking care of himself at all? I should text his mom, get her to sort him out. But then I would have to deal with her requests to see Megan. Why did I even care? Why couldn’t I stop caring? I hated him, didn’t I? Because of him my Cory was dead.

  “Would you like anything else? We have a selection of pastries, all freshly baked and half-price today. We also have an early-bird lunch deal.” Like before, the waiter’s question startled me. He had snuck up from behind again and was holding out a menu. Or perhaps I was simply too distracted to notice anything around me today.

  “Ah, no thanks.” I muttered with a small smile.

  “Ok, just let me know if you change your mind.” he said before sauntering off.

  My attention went back to the couple. It looked like they were getting ready to leave. I observed the way he got up first and then held a hand out to help the woman out of her seat, very gentlemanly, extremely sweet. I sipped my coffee and watched them leave a tip before walking out the café. Connor used to be an attentive husband, an attentive – my brain shied away from completing the thought. History had shown he was not an attentive father, or at least not when it truly mattered. I felt the bile rising up in my throat. Had it really been a year? I sipped my coffee, lost in thought and the time marched on. Before I knew it, I was on my fourth cup and Connor’s car was pulling into the customers only parking lot. I managed a bright smile for Megan when she spotted me from outside the window. She waved like a maniac and took off running with my husband and mother following at a slightly more sedate speed. The door of the café was flung open from Megan bumbling through like a hurricane.

  “Mom,” she yelled as I got up from my seat and watched her run over.

  “Hello, sweetie.” I hugged her tight. “Did you have an ok time with Daddy and Grandma?”

  “Yup.” She wriggled free and promptly sat in the chair I had just vacated. “I blew more bubbles for Cory. I’m hungry. Daddy said I can get whatever I want. Are you hungry too? Grandma only had carrot sticks for snacks.” She scrunched her face up in disgust. She was usually good with eating her veg. Sniffing at the dregs in my coffee cup she stuck her tongue out in disgust. “Grandma always says you drink too much coffee. Can I have some juice, please?”

  I turned as the café door swung open again. Mom came in first followed by Connor. He looked better than when I had seen him earlier and I knew it was because of our daughter. Megan had that effect on people. Or maybe he was just so happy to see her. I needed to speak to my divorce attorney. A long, drawn out affair was the last thing I wanted. Fuck. I hadn’t even broached the topic to Megan as yet. I didn’t know how to.

  “Ok, I’ll get you a juice in a minute.” I assured her.

  Mom reached us first. “You ok?” she asked immediately while pulling out the chair next to Megan.

  Damn. That would leave me sitting next to Connor. It was too late to do anything about it now. He was at the table.

  “I’m fine, Mom.” I murmured.

  “Hi.” Connor brushed his hand over my arm.

  “Hi.” I said back. Today was…I could swallow the hate for today...for Megan’s sake.

  “Daddy,” Megan was squirming on the seat. “I’m hungry and you said I can eat anything I want.”

  Connor gave her an indulgent nod of confirmation. “Anything that’s on the menu, cupcake.”

  I grimaced the moment he said it, as the next words from our daughter’s mouth were, “Oooh, I want cupcakes!”

  “Why don’t you have some proper food first?” my mom suggested and looked around for the waiter.

  “Are you hungry?” Connor asked, pulling out one of the two remaining chairs for me.

  “I’m ok.” I sat down and watched him do the same from lowered eyelashes. “Thanks anyway.”

  The waiter appeared at our table, his bright smile was on show with menus being eagerly offered from his hands. He got the order for our drinks and promised to return with them in a jiffy. Jiffy. I hadn’t heard that word being used in a long time. People still said jiffy?

  “Are you sure you don’t want something to eat?” Connor asked over his menu. “Did you have something before we got here?”

  “I’m ok,” I repeated. “Honestly.”

  “Ok.” he murmured and lowered his gaze.

  Megan was discussing her options with my mom. Both their heads were bent over the shared menu between them. Connor put down his menu with a heavy sigh. I snuck a peek from the corner of my eyes. He was staring out the window. I wanted to touch him, to put my hand atop his and run my thumb over his knuckles. I wanted to hold the left side of his face, he liked when I did that, I wanted to hold the left side of his face and tell him I understood how horrible today was. I wouldn’t do any of that, but I wanted to. Connor turned suddenly and caught me amidst the
sidelong evaluation I was giving him. He stared at me for a moment, lips parting as if he had something to say, but he turned away after a few more seconds and resumed looking out the window.

  “Are you ready to order?” the waiter was back.

  I listened distractedly as my mom ordered a small slice of pie for herself and a sandwich for Megan. Connor didn’t order anything. He kept staring out the window until Megan tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, then his mouth twisted up into a smile before he turned towards her.

  “Daddy, we have a special school assembly next week,” she began.

  Shit. I had forgotten about that. Please don’t let her do what I suspected she was about to do.

  “And I’ve been practising and practising-”

  “Practising what, sweetie?” Connor brushed her curls from her face, tweaking her cheek once the hair was secured behind her ear.

  “I have to read a part in the assembly,” she told him, brimming with excitement. “Eight lines, Daddy.”

  “Wow,” Connor mirrored her enthusiasm. “Eight whole lines? That’s great.”

  “Will you come to my assembly?” she asked the question I was hoping she wouldn’t. I should’ve known it was coming once she had brought up the topic. Pouting, she pleaded with wide eyes, “Please, please, Daddy? It won’t be for long and you missed my last assembly,”

  Connor shot me a cool look before returning his attention to our daughter. “I’m sorry I missed it, Meggie. I didn’t know about your last assembly.” He sent me another glance. “But I will definitely come to this one.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.” he pledged then held his little finger out for her to take. I watched them pinkie swear and Connor’s blue eyes latched onto my face as he said, “I will be there.”

  “Will Nanny and Poppy come too?” Megan had no idea what she was doing to me. She looked at my mom then back at Connor. “Grandma’s already coming. She always comes to my assemblies. Nanny and Poppy hardly ever come anymore.”

  Great, just great. Perhaps I should’ve pre-emptively told Megan not to mention school to her Dad.

  The look Connor sent me this time had some heat to it. My mom cleared her throat, bringing both our attention to her. “So how are things at work, Connor?”

  “As well as can be expected,” he replied, still semi-glaring at me. “Given the economy.”

  “What’s wrong with the conomy, Daddy?” Megan chirped up.

  “Economy,” my mom absent-mindedly corrected her.

  I was too focused on the little daggers shooting from Connor’s eyes. Alright, I guess this was confirmation he knew I had been fielding his parents’ calls concerning arrangements to see Megan. I wasn’t being malicious, it was just a self-defence mechanism on my part. Ever since Cory – since the accident, whenever my in-laws visited they would always want to pray, to beg me to attend their church which they swore would somehow heal me…heal me. What a load of crock! Once I had left the family home with Megan in tow, the relief I got from not having to listen to their ‘God works in mysterious ways’ or ‘The Lord never gives you more than you can bear’ was immense. That was the one which always made my stomach burn with rage. My child dying was more than I could fucking bear. My jaw was clenched without me realizing it, so instinctive was my disgust for that particular biblical quote.

  Connor tore his gaze away from me and winked at Megan. “Nothing for you to worry about,” He pointed to the approaching waiter balancing a tray. “There’s your food. Are you hungry?”

  Megan nodded vigorously. Then grinned widely when her sandwich was placed in front of her. She was eyeing up her grandma’s slice of pie too!

  “Hungry hungry?” Connor teased.

  His laugh was strained, as was the grin on his face, but he was trying his hardest for Megan. I could see and appreciate his effort in this case, and only for today. Today was an impossible day to laugh, yet here he was making her giggle while my mom watched on with a sad smile on her face. I turned my gaze outside the window, not wanting to remember how good he was with her, how good he had been with them both. This was all his fault and for most of this past year, I wished we had never ever met. Another traitorous memory popped up in my head simply to mock me, to remind me of how smitten I had been with him from the get-go.

  Lala and I were talking and walking towards the little café within the climbing centre. We were both thirsty and I could do with an energy drink before heading back to campus. The sharp nudge from her elbow made me yelp.

  “Isn’t that lover boy?” she teased under her breath.

  My gaze shot up and yes, it was Connor in the middle of a large group of people. Lala started giggling.

  “Stop it.” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have told you a thing.”

  Was I embarrassed? Embarrassed was maybe too strong a word. Nervous to be in his presence after we’d slept together? Yeah, that was better. It had been two days since the event and bar the initial text from him to say ‘hi’, we hadn’t spoken. I’d had three exams in the past 48hrs, replying to his text had taken a backseat in the face of me passing/failing my exams.

  “What are you going to say?” Lala asked quietly as our pace slowed down.

  “Nothing,” I muttered with a shrug and hoisted my knapsack higher up my shoulder. “I mean, it was just sex.”

  And it was just sex. Good sex. Really good sex. Great sex, actually.

  “Ok.” Lala didn’t push it.

  “We’re not seeing each other,” I reminded her. “At least, not like that. We’re friends,” I shrugged again. “Well, not friends friends, but you know what I mean.”

  “Ok.” she muttered.

  We entered the packed space and immediately headed over to the chilled drinks section. I grabbed two energy drinks and jerked my head towards the counter. It wasn’t difficult to hear the conversation from the others in the café. There was loads of laughter, loads of friendly joking. Ryan and Keith were horsing around with a banana, idiots.

  When we got up to the counter, I smiled at the woman behind the cash register. Jacqueline was nice. She tallied my total and I handed over the cash in exchange for the drinks. It wasn’t hard to pick out Connor’s deep voice. I doubted he had spotted me, or maybe he had and was ignoring me.

  “Hey,” Jacqueline was about to put the energy drinks in a small bag, I shook my head and she passed them over. “Are you two going on the climbing excursion next week?”

  “No way,” Lala leaned over my shoulder and grimaced at Jacqueline. “I don’t know about Jen, but finals are kicking my butt.”

  Jacqueline smirked. “College days. God. I remember those stressful exams.”

  I grinned at Jacqueline. She was an experienced, worldly 30 to our still girly 21. “Did you regret it? Because I am seriously wondering what’s the point. If I didn’t have a full scholarship,” I snorted in disbelief. “Fucking student loans would’ve killed me.”

  Jacqueline nodded vigorously. “I’m still paying it off!”

  “Damn.” Lala mumbled. She didn’t have a full scholarship as I did, and her building student debt was her biggest worry. She wasn’t even certain she wanted to continue in further education once she got her undergrad degree.

  The boisterous shout from one of the guys behind us had Jacqueline scowling at the group. I stole a peek over my shoulder. Connor and his climbing buddy, Malcolm, seemed to be having a flirty conversation with the two brunettes next to them. I assumed it was a flirty conversation. The taller brunette was touching her neck and peering up attentively at Connor. And everyone knew Malcolm was an outrageous man whore. He communicated in flirt, could make asking for a piece of dry toast into some kind of pick-up opportunity.

  Lala nudged me. Guess my peek had turned into an all out stare. I turned back to Jacqueline and managed a minute of small talk before Lala and I moved away from the counter.

  “Laura,” Ryan flung his arm over my best friend’s shoulder. Where the hell had he come from? He was just on the othe
r side of the café some minutes ago. “Are you coming next week?”

  Lala eased out from under his arm, trying her best not to frown, or tell Ryan to fuck off. Besides the fact he had no respect for the rules of personal space, he had tried to make moves on Lala when we first became members at the climbing centre. It was gross, he thought his ‘You’re pretty for a black girl’ line would go over a treat. Cocky piece of shit.

  “No.” she said.

  Keith, never far from Ryan’s side, nodded a hello to me. Lala and I weren’t friends with Keith. He was one of those guys with an unearned sense of entitlement. Oh, he climbed and skied with his buddies. He went sailing on the weekends with his loaded girlfriend and her family. He hung out at all the cool clubs. He felt he could get any girl he wanted and she would be lucky to get any attention from him. Oh, Keith was such a catch. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. He was trash and made my skin crawl.

  Connor must’ve finally spotted us or finally decided to acknowledge my presence, because he gave me a wide smile. I smiled a hello and tried to edge away from Keith.

  “Guys, we’ve got things to do,” I advised and slipped my arm through Lala’s. “See you around.” We started moving off to the sound of their goodbyes.

  Connor squeezed past a couple of bodies and ended up right in front of us. “Hey.”

  “Hi.” I said.

  He was wearing a goofy smile. “Did you just get here?”

  “Ah, no,” I fidgeted on my feet. “Just about to leave actually.”

  Lala was observing us both with blatant curiosity.

  “Oh,” Connor slipped his hands into the pockets of his over-sized sweatshirt. “Um, how was your exam?” He did a weird kind of side to side step. “When we last talked you said you had to study for your exams.”

  I was thinking about the fact he had been inside me the last time we talked. This was awkward. It wasn’t supposed to be this awkward.

  “Connor,” Malcolm was calling him back to their little group with the two brunettes.