Through the Wooden Door

by K Carr

  “Fine,” Connor glanced at the security feed. Some of his employees were arriving. “I’ll await the paperwork and try to get them back to you as soon as possible. Look, I’ve got to go, Roy. We’ll talk later, yes?”

  “Yes,” Roy confirmed. “We’re going to get through this, Connor.”

  Connor muttered something which was supposed to be optimistic but ultimately ended up sounding hollow. He followed it up with a terse goodbye and hung up the phone. Mentally setting his personal life aside, he got up from his desk, locked his screen and strode out the office to the warehouse floor. He had work to do, work was the only distraction he had from everything wrong in his life.

  A year had passed already.

  “Morning,” he greeted the first person walking through the staff entrance.

  “Hey, boss,” Eddie sauntered past him holding one of those store bought coffees.

  “Boss,” Martin nodded a hello to Connor.

  “You guys want me to put on some coffee before we start for the day?” Connor offered. “I know Eddie is sorely in need of a good cup of coffee,”

  Eddie held his recyclable cup up for them to observe. “I’ve got my java here, I’m good.”

  Connor snorted in faux disgust. “Just can’t account for taste with some people.” He fell into step with Martin. “How about you? Would you like a proper cup of coffee?”

  Eddie chuckled and started heading towards the back of the building where the staff kept their personal belongings. “I have no time for coffee snobs.”

  Martin snickered under his breath before accepting Connor’s offer. “Yeah, boss. I wouldn’t say no to a good cup of coffee.”

  Holding his fist out for the bump, which Martin quickly gave, Connor nodded in satisfaction. “Good man.” He watched Eddie and Martin walk off before turning to head to the very small room which housed their canteen/kitchen. A good cup of coffee was what he needed, it would help him focus. A hard day’s work, the best cure for an unhappy state of mind.

  “No sugar, boss,” he heard Martin yell from behind his back.

  No sugar. Connor could relate to that.

  Chapter 5

  “Mommy,” Megan yelled from the back seat. “Where is Daddy’s present?” She tried to lean forward to check on the floor but her abrupt jerk meant the seatbelt did its job and restricted her movement. “Urgh,” she grunted and pulled at the belt to get some slack in it.

  “Sit back, Meg,” my mom instructed her in a no-nonsense tone.

  “But I can’t see-”

  “Sit back,” Mom looked over her shoulder and I saw Megan sit back in the rear-view mirror. “And the present is in the trunk, sugar plum.”

  Megan beamed. “Grandma, can I wear my dress again tomorrow?”

  “If you want,” my mom acquiesced. “It’s a very pretty dress. You have good taste.”

  I eyed Megan in the rear-view mirror again. Mom was right, it was a pretty dress. They had gone shopping this morning because Megan didn’t ‘like’ any of her other clothes, and she wanted to look extra special for Connor’s birthday party. Mom let her choose whatever she wanted. Hmph, grandparents really were more lax with their grandchildren as opposed to their own children. When I was Megan’s age my wardrobe selection was purchased without my input, and I wore what was laid out for me. Picking and choosing? Huh, not a chance.

  “You spoil her so much,” I muttered to my mom sitting across from me in the passenger seat.

  She shrugged and dusted at her multi-coloured skirt. “Not really,” She arched an eyebrow and watched me from the corner of her eye as she said, “And you were spoilt too as a child,”

  “What?” my gasp of outrage was fake, but the following words were my truth. “I was not. I didn’t get choices-”

  “Eh,” Mom twisted sideways in her seat. “You were spoilt rotten. Your father gave you anything you wanted,”

  “But that was Daddy,” I grinned, remembering my beloved dad. “Not you,”

  Mom’s jaw almost hit her chest. I giggled as she retorted, “And who do you think allowed him to spoil you? One of us had to play the role of a firm parent, otherwise you might’ve grown up feral.”

  My giggle turned into a loud cackle. Feral. My mom was tears. I slipped one hand off the steering wheel to grab hers with a brief, tight squeeze. “I know, Mom. You and Daddy were the best.”

  “I don’t remember your Daddy,” Megan chirped from the back seat. “Was he my granddad?”

  My hands, both back on the steering wheel, tightened slightly. I stole a sidelong look at my mom. Although it had been many years since my dad had passed, sometimes she would get this faraway expression on her face…it always tapered off into one of sadness.

  “Yes, he was,” Mom twisted around in order to see Megan properly. “But he died before you were born. He would’ve been extremely proud of what a smart girl you’re growing up to be.”

  I smiled to myself while Megan preened in the backseat. She launched into a conversation about her school work and who couldn’t do certain maths sums which she could do. She also reminded my mom about her glowing school report before the summer break had started. My smile slowly drooped until it was gone completely as I turned off into the main road leading to our neighbourhood. The familiar well-manicured front lawns, the tree lined streets, the cleanliness, the neighbourhood’s private security guard doing rounds who waved at me as we drove past each other. What was his name again? Richard? Lenny? I couldn’t remember. The closer we got to our street the worse I felt. There was a heavy throbbing building behind my eyes, my heart rate increased, my palms were cold yet sweaty. The SUV turned down the road I used to live on, I could only approach the house from this side – I physically couldn’t drive down our street from the other side. I couldn’t ever do that again.

  Megan was practically dancing in her seat and pointing out the window. “See Mommy? I told you it was a good idea to buy balloons. Daddy doesn’t have any balloons out front! Silly Daddy.” She pressed her face against the window now. “We only bought ten, that’s not enough for outside.”

  “It’ll be fine, sweetheart,” I assured her. She was starting to look a little down. “I’m sure Daddy will be happy to have balloons inside instead of outside. Daddy’s all grown up, he doesn’t really need balloons.”

  Megan gasped then shook her head. “Everyone needs balloons on their birthday, Mommy.” She stretched her hand out, trying to grab her grandmother. “Tell her, Grandma.”

  “Everyone needs balloons on their birthday,” my mom parroted.

  “Exactly.” Megan agreed.

  “Well,” I noticed there was space on the driveway. Connor must’ve told some of the guests to park on the street. I recognized a few cars lining the road up to our driveway. “You have to think about the environment though.”

  “We did,” my mom retorted with fake offense. “Megan and I bought bio-degradable balloons. Hmph. We aren’t planet killers.”

  Mom twisted around in her seat to wink at Megan, who added to her grandmother’s statement, “And we’re not releasing them into the air, Mommy. Just in case because Grandma said it’s still latex and sometimes these companies say bio-demade…bio-grema”

  “Bio-degradable,” I corrected.

  “Say they’re bio-degradable, but they’re not really,” she continued without missing a beat. “So we have to make sure we get rid of it properly or else it will kill the turtles.”

  “And we don’t want the turtles going extinct, do we?” Mom encouraged.

  “Nope,” Megan agreed as I reversed onto the driveway. “Or the whales, or the tigers, Grandma! Or the bees,”

  “We can do without rats and roaches though,” My mom drew the line with certain creatures. “They can go.”

  I let out a strained laugh as I parked up and shut the engine off. “Cockroaches will probably outlast us all.”

  “Horrible things,” Mom shuddered in her seat, unbuckling her seatbelt as she spoke.

  “Why?” Megan a
sked, unbuckling her own seatbelt.

  “Umm,” How much of it should I explain? I was dreading walking into the house…I should explain it all, down to the very last scientific fact.

  “Because it’s a simple animal,” my mom said. “And by simple I mean, it is not as complex an organism like a human being. They breed rapidly too so-”

  “What’s breed?” Megan asked and slid off her seat to half-stand in the space between the driver’s and passenger’s seats.

  “Procreate,” Mom explained

  “Make babies,” I said at the same time. Looking at my mom I shook my head. “That’s a word she won’t understand, Mom,”

  My mom raised an eyebrow. “She’s my granddaughter and she reads a lot, she’ll understand.”

  “And orga – orgms,”

  “Organisms,” I sounded it out for her.

  “Organisms,” she repeated. Before I could define the word, she, like most children her age, got distracted. “Look,” Megan spun around and climbed onto the back seat, waving like a maniac she exclaimed. “There’s Daddy. Quick, I have to get his present.”

  I saw movement in the rear-view mirror. The front door had been opened and Connor was already approaching the SUV.

  I felt my mom’s hand land atop mine. She smiled at me and mouthed, ‘Are you ok?’ I nodded quickly. I wasn’t ok, but today wasn’t about me. The sound of Megan trying the door handle made me roll my eyes. She knew, we had told her many times, there was a lock only grownups in the front could undo on the back doors. I pressed the child lock button and the audible click was followed by her shouts of ‘Daddy’ when she managed to open the door. One blink and she was out the SUV and being swung up into a hug by Connor. Her excited shrieks and Connor’s deep laugh did make my heart twinge slightly. I undid my seatbelt as my mom opened her door and got out the vehicle.

  “Happy Birthday,” she greeted Connor.

  “Thanks,” Connor adjusted Megan into a side hold and lowered his face to get the requisite kiss of birthday salutations.

  “Daddy, we have balloons and presents and Grandma made ribs,”

  “Ribs?” Connor asked.

  Everyone could hear the glee in his tone. I huffed softly, it was my way of fighting a knowing chuckle. I didn’t want to laugh with him. He was an addict for my mom’s ribs. We used to joke it was the one thing he would actually consider bartering his soul for.

  “A few trays,” my mom said, turning back to reach into the SUV and grab her bag out the footrest.

  “How much is a few?” Connor asked. He tilted his head so he could peer into the SUV. “Hi, Jen,”

  “Hi, Happy Birthday.” I said. A smile did flit over my face. “How many people are inside?”

  “More than enough,” Connor replied with a brief laugh. It sounded strained like mine had before. “But I’m glad my girls are here,” He hefted Megan up a few times, eliciting another delighted squeal from her. “Did you get me a present?” he teased, moving back from the car. “I hope you did because you can’t come to my party without a present. Grandma can come inside, she brought me ribs.”

  They laughed, all three of them. I sat in the driver’s seat and took a few deep breaths before jumping out. “I’ll get the stuff in the trunk.” I said to no one in particular.

  “I’ll give you a hand,” Connor offered, already lowering Megan to the ground. But she clung on. “Meggie, you have to let Daddy help Mommy.”

  “It’s fine,” I realized ferrying the stuff from the trunk to the house was the perfect way for me to deal with actually being back here. I hadn’t been home for months. Baby steps, baby steps were good.

  “Are you sure?” Connor had swung Megan around for a piggyback. She had what looked like a death grip around his neck.

  “Yes,” I exchanged a look with my mom. She gestured to the trunk, her silent query as to if I wanted her help. I shook my head.

  “Lala and Derek are here by the way,” Connor advised as he started heading towards the house with mom trailing him.

  “Ok,” I felt a measure of relief my best friend and her husband were already here. Facing my in-laws and the rest of Connor’s extended family, our other friends whom I’m sure would be there, maybe some of our employees…I wished I didn’t have to show up for this, but Megan would’ve been confused and upset if I bailed on her Dad’s birthday party.

  Last year Connor hadn’t celebrated his birthday. It was a little over six weeks after Cory’s death. Neither one of us could muster the strength to put on a party. I couldn’t remember if I had even bought him a card. Back then the only things I could manage to do were making sure Megan was fed and clean and got to school, plus breathing. I had to remember to breathe. Oh the breathing tied in nicely with the other thing I managed to do and that was to wake up. Megan was the reason I forced myself to wake up during that time.

  I opened the trunk, grabbed the helium filled balloons and the pretty gift bag holding Connor’s presents. It would only need another trip if I carefully balanced the trays of ribs on top each other. The front door had been left open for me. I slowly walked up the drive with the balloons bouncing above my head. The strains of music wafted out the door, some sort of trendy dance song which I knew was probably the work of Connor’s cousin Gideon. A wry grin took up space on my mouth for a few seconds. Connor’s uncle was such a bible thumper. He had named his kids Gideon, Ruth and Emmanuel. I mean, my in-laws were pretty much into their Christian faith, but my father-in-law’s brother…whew. He was on another level.

  “Hey, terrible friend,” It was Lala walking through the foyer as I entered the front door. “How long has it been? A decade? Two?”

  “Shut up. I spoke to you twice this week.” I grinned at her protruding stomach. “How is my munchkin doing in there?”

  “Ugh, kicking the shit out of my spleen.” She grimaced and approached me with her hands out. “Let me take that from you. Your mom mentioned something about ribs when I saw her just now,” Lala licked her lips and reached over to take the tethered balloons and gift bag from me. “Are they in your car? Want me to get Derek to bring them in?”

  “It’s fine,” I gave her a quick kiss hello and started backing out the front door. “I’ll get the trays.”

  “Trays?” She licked her lips again. “How many?”

  I sniggered. Lala was almost as bad as Connor when it came to my mom’s ribs. “Three trays.”

  Lala looked over her shoulder then back at me. “Do you think Mama told Connor how many trays there are already? Maybe you could give me a tray,” She looked over her shoulder again. “I could put it in my car right now. No one has to know, Jenny.”

  I chuckled at her lack of scruples before warning her, “Connor has probably already quizzed my mom on exactly how many pieces of ribs there are.” Smirking, I shrugged. “And you know he has no qualms about tackling a pregnant lady if it means keeping those ribs for himself.”

  Lala laughed, nodding to herself. “True, it’s like crack for him.”

  We shared a grin and I exhaled softly as I admitted, “I’m glad you’re here, Lala. It means a lot having you here today.”

  Her mouth wobbled and I could see her blinking quickly. “Of course I’m here. Where else would I be? Free food? A chance to put my feet up? You know me.” Her voice cracked and she turned away so I couldn’t see her face. I did see the tear run down her cheek though. Lala growled angrily. “Argh. Fucking hormones.” She turned back to me. “I’m a mess. Sorry. Just ignore me.”

  “I will, you pussy.” I teased even though there was a lump in my throat. I took a few deep breaths and spun on my heels. We both knew hormones weren’t the reason she was teary, at least not the main reason. “Let me go get these ribs before my mom comes after me.”

  “I’ll give these to Connor,” she called out as I hurried back outside.

  The few brisk steps which took me back to the open trunk were done with breathing exercises. I could get through this. Fuck. Poor Lala. She was a great friend. Maybe
I shouldn’t have verbalized my gratitude for her being here. There was always an undercurrent of awkwardness around the slightest reference to Cory with family and friends. Except my mom, she had been my saviour through it all. But I shouldn’t have said anything. I made my best friend cry. Great. The last thing any pregnant woman wants to deal with is the delicate topic of someone’s dead child. It was one of the reasons we hadn’t been seeing each other as often as we did in the past. Don’t get me wrong, Lala had been there for us when we were going through what I knew would always be the worst time of my life.

  But ever since her and Derek had announced the pregnancy of their first child, I had instinctively started pulling back. She had noticed and I prayed she didn’t think I was being a crappy friend, far from it. My distance was so she could enjoy every lovely bit of her pregnancy without my fucking gloom tainting it, yet it was more than that! I certainly wasn’t going to be a literal mess of depression around her…no, I had learnt to mask those feelings with my happy face when needed. I had sent a congratulatory card with a gift…I had even given her my old pregnancy books. My stomach clenched and I breathed through my mouth a few times to calm myself.

  It was more than being sad. Cory’s death had covered me in this invisible cloak, some sort of cloak which made people uncomfortable around me now, as if my very presence sucked the joy from them. My presence reminded them that bad shit could happen to anybody. I wondered if Connor felt the same.

  I gripped the sides of the trunk, breathing out my mouth again in a nice controlled manner. Thank goodness I had in my bag, right at this moment, a gift card from her favourite spa. It was for two people, her and Derek. A kind of pre-baby arrival pamper session. A gesture from me to her saying ‘I love having you as a best friend’. Thank goodness I had it with me.

  Carefully, I made the trip from vehicle to kitchen with the ribs. Two trips in total. Two times for my heart to seize painfully when crossing the threshold of what was once my happy home. I was glad the house was filled with people. Megan was running up and down, ecstatic to be home again, I guessed.