by K Carr
His head snapped forward and he narrowed his eyes. “Excuse me? You think my wife is right?” Oh, hell no, fuck this. He was finding them a new therapist.
Dr Belinda nodded quickly and Connor caught Jen’s smug expression from the corner of his eyes. Holding out a placating hand towards him, Dr Belinda continued, “Megan needs consistency. She needs to feel absolutely safe in her environment. When I first started seeing Megan not too long after your son’s death, you were both worried about her lack of expected reaction,” Dr Belinda used air quotations when she uttered the word ‘expected’. “Remember I explained the grieving process is different with children as opposed to an adult.”
“Yes,” Connor interrupted her impatiently. “We know all of that,” He scowled sideways at Jenny before asking Megan’s therapist, “You think Jen’s right for keeping Megan away from me? I can’t believe-”
“Of course not,” Dr Belinda rushed to assure him.
Connor relaxed against the back of the sofa. “Ok, I thought when you said she was right that you meant,” He shook his head. “Carry on.”
Dr Belinda looked at Jenny. “You’ve made me aware that you’re going through a separation, but I believe it’s in Megan’s best interest to spend as much time as possible with her father,”
Connor exhaled in relief. He had noticed the tightening of Jen’s mouth the more the therapist spoke.
“The incident this past weekend,” Dr Belinda took a moment to look at her notepad. “Megan’s outburst. During our chat earlier I asked her how she felt when she saw the toys had been moved,”
Connor leaned forward, tense and full of dread.
“She skirted the issue,” Dr Belinda stated coolly. “Quite cleverly to be honest. I think maybe we should resume our weekly sessions with Megan. We’ll do the same as before, 40 minutes one-to-one with Megan, then the remaining 20 minutes with you as a family unit.”
“Of course,” Connor agreed. “That sounds like the best way forward.” He glanced over at his wife. She sat silent and brooding. Giving the therapist his attention once more, Connor attempted to have his point driven home. “And Megan should be allowed to spend more time with me, that’s beneficial to her. Right?”
“Yes,” Dr Belinda agreed. “If you’re no longer involved in the daily parental care of Megan, then you should take advantage of every opportunity you have to spend time with her. This will reinforce that her core family foundation,” Dr Belinda gestured at Jenny then him. “Mom and Dad, are still both there for her, still available to her. You should also try to spend time with the three of you together,”
They both heard the small sound of complaint coming from where Jenny sat.
“I understand, Jennifer,” Dr Belinda said in a soothing voice. “I do,” She sent them both a supportive look. “And I know how difficult this must be for you both, bearing in mind the current state of your marriage,”
Connor huffed under his breath and Jenny tilted her head slightly to glare at him from the side.
Dr Belinda cleared her throat. “I know when I previously had Megan as a patient, you were both seeing a marriage counsellor also. Yes?”
Connor and Jenny nodded curtly. Their movements almost in sync.
She cleared her throat again. “Ah, obviously my speciality is child psychology, but I can refer you to one of my colleagues who deals with a focus on bereavement in cases exactly like yours-”
“No,” Jenny cut her off. “Thank you, but no. We tried that already and it didn’t work for us. All I’m concerned about is my daughter and getting her the help she needs.”
Connor sighed. He wasn’t going to voice how he felt on that issue again. She knew fully well he would jump at the chance for them to seek counselling as a last ditch effort to save their marriage. Jenny was set against trying to fix their broken marriage…for the moment, he desperately hoped. The past weekend he had warned her he would no longer engage in what he felt was their toxic fighting. Yet this very conversation consisted of them taking little painful swipes at each other. He didn’t want to argue with her.
“Jen,” he called. It took a few seconds before she turned to face him. “We have to do this for Meggie. I know things are,” Connor stared at the dark blue carpet covering the office’s floor before raising his gaze back to hers. “Difficult between us, but we have to do this. Ok?”
Jenny gave him a strange look before she nodded once then smiled in the direction of Dr Belinda. “Are we done here? Can I take Megan home now?”
Dr Belinda put her notebook and pen down. “Yes, she’s in the play area colouring. You can collect her immediately, just remember to confirm with the receptionist out front the time for Megan’s sessions.”
Jenny rose up to her feet and slung her bag over one shoulder. Hand held out she waited for Dr Belinda to stand and exchange a handshake. Connor rose off the sofa also, and shook Dr Belinda’s hand when it was his turn. They said their goodbyes and walked out the room.
“I know what you’re doing,” Jenny hissed under her breath as soon as he closed the door behind them.
“What?” Connor was confused. “What are you talking about?” Jenny glared at him and spun on her heels. Connor nabbed her arm before she could move away. “Hey, what are you talking about? What am I doing?”
Jenny stared at his fingers around her arm, stared until he sheepishly let go. Then she peered up at him, features tight with anger. “Playing the victimized father. Oh my wife’s so mean, she’s keeping my daughter away from me,” Jenny rubbed her chin, pensively it seemed. “Bastard. You’re going to try and get Megan’s therapist on your side so she’ll speak favourably on your behalf at the custody hearing.”
Connor took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I swear, you’re trying to drive me insane, aren’t you?”
“But you’re not denying it though,” she ground out. “I know what you’re up to, and it’s not going to work, Connor.”
“Firstly,” Connor held his index finger up. “You are being mean, that’s a fact. Secondly, you have been keeping me away from Meggie-”
“I let you see her yesterday,”
“Only because of our argument over the weekend.” he retorted then held a third finger up. “Thirdly, I am not trying to manipulate Megan’s therapist on to my side, whatever that means.” Connor closed his eyes for a second, needing to calm himself down. When he opened them, the image of his bristling wife made his mouth tilt sadly at the corners. He missed the days where the majority of their ‘fights’ were about silly things, or even the ones where things got a bit more serious and they had maybe a couple of days of tension between them before he would corner her in their home office and crack such ridiculous jokes she couldn’t help but grin. Once he saw the grin he knew they would be alright. That wouldn’t work now.
“Yes, you are.” Jenny started to walk away.
Sighing in frustration, Connor followed her. “Look, why don’t you go sort out the appointment times and I’ll go get Megan? If we can keep it on a Tuesday afternoon that’ll be great. It works with my schedule.”
“Fine,” she muttered.
“We’ll meet you by the elevators.” he called out to her back. She didn’t turn around to acknowledge him and Connor stood there watching her walk off. He shook his head, resigned to the fact this was how things were between them, this pulsating anger emanating from her, which try as he might, he couldn’t avoid responding to it in kind.
No toxic fighting. Ignore the verbal jabs. Megan needs consistency. Connor kept repeating those words in his mind as he went to collect his daughter. When he saw her through the glass walls of the play room, playing with Lego with another child, his heart ached for her. It ached for them all. How could he fix this? How could he fix them? His conscience reminded him he’d not been praying as much, that he’d not been following the scriptures in keeping God’s testament as a way of life. But he was furious with God! And hurt, Connor felt betrayed by the God he had been raised to love above all else. The chasm be
tween him and his faith had been insurmountable from the moment he had buried his son. The voice in his head whispered: just pray. Connor ignored it. He rapped his knuckles against the glass and Megan looked up at the noise. The smile on her face when she spotted him, it eased some of the ache he felt. She said something to the woman watching over the group who looked up at him. Connor gave the woman a small wave of acknowledgement and grinned as Megan, clutching a few sheets of paper in her hand, ran towards the door. Connor quickly opened it up and held a hand out for her to take.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“My drawings,” She slipped her hand in his. “I did one for you, one for Mommy, and one for Grandma. Grandma’s drawing is the best but only because I did hers last so I had more practice,” She looked around. “Where’s Mom?”
“She’s meeting us by the elevators. Can I see your drawings?” Connor spotted one of her shoelaces were untied so he let her hand go and crouched down to tie it.
“Here,” Megan waved one of the papers under his nose. “This one is yours. You can have it. I’m hungry, Daddy.”
“Ok, we’ll get something to eat,” He made sure the lace was tight and secure before taking the drawing from her and straightening up. “Wow. This is really pretty. You’re really good at drawing.”
“Do you like the colours?” she asked. “I put a lot of green in there because I know it’s your favourite colour.”
Connor felt his eyes burn as he placed a hand on top her head. “I love it. Come on, let’s go find Mommy then get something to eat.” He was curious about her assessment of what was happening. She had seen Dr Belinda before and coming here wouldn’t have been new to her. “So,” He held his free hand out to her. “Did you have a nice chat with Dr Belinda?”
“Uh hmm,” she said. “Dad, can I have cake?”
“Yes, but you’ll have to eat proper food first,” Connor made sure his pace matched hers. “What did you talk about with Dr Belinda?”
Megan shrugged. “Can’t remember.”
Connor squinted down at her head of curls, unsure if she was deliberately avoiding the question, or just being a kid. A lot of times they used to pick the kids up from school and ask ‘what happened today’ and get the infuriating ‘can’t remember’ reply. “Ok, but you must remember one thing,” He swung her hand playfully. “Tell me,”
“Umm,” Megan hemmed. “She asked if I felt sad,”
“Do you?” Connor tried to keep his tone relaxed.
Megan peeked up at him. “Sometimes.”
“It’s ok to feel sad, sweetie,” he assured her.
“Do you feel sad, Daddy?” Megan stopped in her tracks and peered up at him. Her curious golden brown eyes were riveted on his face.
“Sometimes,” Connor admitted with a reassuring grin. “But it’s ok to feel sad sometimes. Even grownups feel sad sometimes.”
Megan pouted for a moment then said, “Mommy tries to not be sad, but I know she is,” She watched him closely before adding, “Sometimes, not all the times, but sometimes.”
“And that’s ok,” Connor swallowed the lump in his throat. “Mommies and Daddies can feel sad too.”
“And grandmas?”
“Yup,” He nodded. “Anyone can feel sad, you just have to work on getting back to being happy.”
Megan frowned then looked away from him as she pulled her hand free from his. “My tummy hurts.”
“It does? Here,” Connor gave her back his drawing then held his arms out. “Do you want me to carry you to the car?”
She nodded and quietly let him lift her up. Making sure she had a tight grip on her drawings, Megan put her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulder. Connor felt that lump in his throat get bigger as the scent of bubble gum wafted around his face. She loved her bubble gum shampoo. It was the only one Jen bought for her.
“You know Daddy and Mommy love you very much,” he told her as he strode off in the direction of the elevators. Megan didn’t reply, she just rubbed her head against his shoulder. She said her tummy hurt. Connor continued, “What do you want to eat? Pizza? Spaghetti and meatballs?”
She nodded against his shoulder and murmured. “Spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Ok,” Connor adjusted his hold so she would be more comfortable. “I’ll find us a nice place to eat around here.”
“Ok, Daddy.”
“Do you want to go in my van? It’s parked outside.”
“Ok, Daddy.”
He wanted to always be able to do this. Carry her when she needed him to, be there for her…she said her tummy hurt. Connor knew what that meant. In the weeks after Cory’s death, Megan had had a few unexpected tummy aches which had nothing to do with physical sickness. The first therapist they had seen as a family, the one before Megan started seeing Dr Belinda, he had explained to them that children often felt pain in their stomachs when they were stressed about something in their lives. Losing her little brother was more than enough to make Megan extremely anxious…even though back then she appeared to have taken it in her stride. Not having the verbal expertise to explain how they felt, young children would usually just say their tummies hurt.
And it wasn’t as if the pain was made up; no, they did feel actual discomfort. Connor held her tighter. The elevators appeared ahead of them, Connor glanced around not seeing Jen anywhere. Megan lifted her head up and looked around too.
“Where’s Mommy?”
“Umm,” Connor walked across to the other hallway leading into this waiting area. “There she is.” Jen was trying to stuff some papers in her bag while hurrying down the hall. She looked up when Megan shouted out a greeting. Connor waited until she was at his side to say, “Meggie says she’s hungry. I told her we could go get something to eat around here.”
Jen exhaled noisily through her nose and gave up trying to force those papers completely in her bag. “I’ll give her something when we get to my Mom’s-”
“She said her tummy hurts,” Connor gave his wife a pointed stare with his terse interruption, hoping she picked up on what he was trying to say.
“Oh,” Jen bit her lip then sighed. She plastered a smile on her face and reached over to tweak Megan under her chin. “If your tummy hurts I can take you back to Grandma’s and give you some nice peppermint tea. Then we can make some-”
“I said we could go get something to eat,” Connor repeated. This time in a firmer tone. He watched Jen, letting his eyes do the talking, she looked away first. “Did you sort out the appointment times?”
“Yes,” Jen confirmed. “Same time next Tuesday.” She started to walk towards the elevator. It had just arrived at their floor.
“Good,” Connor followed his wife to the waiting elevator. “It’s still covered by our insurance, yes?”
“Yes,” Jen held the elevator doors open for him to enter. “I believe so. I’ll – you’ll need to check the co-pay though. The paperwork should be in the filing cabinet in the home office.” She pressed the lobby button and, carefully avoiding his eyes, looked at their daughter. “Let me put those drawings in my bag.” Jen took the drawings and squeezed them into her bag. “What would you like to eat, pumpkin?”
“Spaghetti and meatballs,” Megan quipped. She wriggled and Connor knew she wanted to be put down. Once she was down she grabbed one of his hands then grabbed one of Jen’s hands. “Daddy said he would find somewhere nice,” Megan tugged on his hand and glanced up at him. “And I want coca cola.”
“No,” Both he and Jen spoke at the same time. They looked at each other and actually shared a reluctant smile.
“It’s got too much sugar,” Jen began the litany.
“And the sugar-free one uses sweeteners which children shouldn’t have,” Connor knew the litany well.
“Have you seen how fast it can clean an old, dirty coin?” Jen reminded her. “Remember when Daddy showed you that?”
“Yes,” Megan grumbled. “But I haven’t had one in ages. Grandma never buys coca cola!”
“I don’t know,” Megan hedged.
Grinning, Connor wondered if she had forgotten how this usually played out. Then his mouth morphed into a thin line of unhappiness. They hadn’t shared the same roof in over six months now. Six months was a long time for a child Megan’s age.
As they walked out the elevator, Connor caught a glimpse of their reflection. Appearances were a lie because they looked like the perfect family, they were far from it. With his free hand, Connor pulled his phone out of his pocket as the three of them walked through the lobby.
“Let’s see what restaurants they’ve got nearby,” he murmured.
Jen cleared her throat, obviously still reluctant to go get something to eat as a family because she reiterated to Megan, “If you want to go back to Grandma’s instead we can, kiddo.”
“I want to go to a restaurant,”
Was the look he shot his wife over their daughter’s head smug? Yes, yes it was. Then he remembered his pledge to avoid toxicity. His expression softened and he sent her a rueful smile as he asked, “Are you ok with that, Jen?”
Realizing when she was beat, Jen nodded. “Of course. Have you found a suitable one?”
Quickly scrolling through his phone, Connor looked at the closest options. “There’s an Italian ten minutes away, rated four stars.”
“Ok,” Jen pulled her phone out as they exited the building. “What’s the name? I’ll put it in the gps and we’ll meet you there.”
“I came in the work van,” Connor advised her. “And said Meggie could come with me on the way to the restaurant.” He found himself the recipient of a narrowed gaze, but she didn’t complain. He gave her the name of the restaurant and told her to follow him in her car. He got that squinty eyed look again, knowing she was internally bristling at his directive. “You get lost even with the gps, Jen.” he reminded her. It wasn’t done with malicious intent, just wry familiarity.