Through the Wooden Door

by K Carr

  Connor held her. It was all he could do. He held her until her low moans of pain slowed down into soft sniffles. Then he used his free hand to wipe at the tears running down her face. “Listen to me. Jennifer, I want you to listen to me,” He made sure her gaze was on him. “This baby, he could never replace our Cory-”

  “Yes, he will,” she interrupted with a raspy breath. “You’ll love him, maybe even more than Cory! He’ll replace Cory.”

  “No,” Connor said firmly. “No, he won’t. He won’t replace Cory. He’s…” Connor managed a wobbly smile. “He’s different. He could never replace Cory. He’ll be who he’s meant to be, not Cory, just himself,”

  “No,” she wailed and pulled her face away. “He will, I know he will. I don’t want to love him,” She started hyperventilating. “I don’t – I can’t love him more,”

  “Shhh,” Connor wrapped his arms around her, slowly rocking her from side to side. “Shh.”

  “I don’t want to hurt him,” she whispered.

  Connor inhaled sharply and hugged her tighter. “It’s ok.”

  “I don’t want to hurt him,” she kept repeating.

  “It’s ok. He’s sleeping. It’s just like sleeping. He won’t feel a thing.” Connor kept trying to convince her it would be ok. That the choice she had made, they had made, would be painless. She was so distraught, it broke his heart.

  “Promise you won’t love him more,” Jen struggled to break free from his hug and Connor let her go so she could lean back from him. “Promise me. Swear you won’t love him more than Cory. Swear it. Swear it!”

  Her panic-stricken expression coupled with her manic behaviour was alarming him. “Jen, stop,” Connor shook her by the shoulders. “Stop it, babe. Just, please, please,” Connor took a few deep breaths. “Stop.”

  She inhaled loudly, then paused, staring at him from wet eyes as she held her breath. Slowly, she exhaled and her shoulders slumped as the air left her body. She took another deep breath. “We’ll love him the same amount? Not more. Not less. Just the same?”

  “What?” Connor dropped his hands from her shoulders and leaned back.

  “No more,” she said. “No less. Just the same, right?”

  His face crumbled. “What? I don’t - what do you mean? What are you saying?”

  “We’ll love him just the same,” Jen started nodding slowly as the tears rolled down her face. “Promise?”

  Connor couldn’t get any words out, he just shook his head silently, unwilling to believe what this could mean. He blinked and the moisture spilled past his lashes, before it could fully roll down his face he angrily swiped them away.

  “Promise?” Jen asked in a fragile voice. “It’ll be ok if we promise.”

  He blinked again and like before there was liquid racing down his face. He was not crying, he was not – Connor wiped his face with the back of his hand. Jen reached out for him but he grabbed her wrist before she completed the action.

  “If we promise never to forget Cory,” she begged. “Please promise,”

  The moisture – fuck, he was openly crying. Connor dropped her wrist but only so he could pull her into his arms. “I could never forget our baby, our Cory. I – he’s always in my heart, in my thoughts. I could never forget him. No one could ever replace him.”

  “Promise,” Jen flung her arms around his neck. “I need to hear you say it. Please, Connor. I need-”

  “I promise,” he croaked out. “I promise.”

  She started to cry again, but not like before, not that pained sound of desolation. It was softer now as he held her… as they held each other. And even though the only sounds in Cory’s bedroom were his wife’s soft sobs, the tears rolled unchecked down his face. Time seemed frozen in the bedroom as the sunshine poured through the window. He held her until her sobs slowed to a stop and she wriggled away from his embrace. Connor remained silent as she flashed him a tired smile and shuffled around a bit. Jen rubbed her face then laid down on the pile of clothes. He swallowed hard when she picked up a couple of Cory’s t-shirts and clutched them to her face. She closed her eyes and he stayed there watching while her breathing evened out.

  “Mommy won’t ever leave you, I won’t ever replace you.” she murmured and laid her free hand over her stomach. “It’s ok. Mommy won’t leave either of you.”

  Connor covered his face with both hands, unable to watch as she muttered words of reassurance to herself. Did she mean it? He gave his face a vigorous rub and ran his hands through his hair before quietly rising to his feet and making his way out Cory’s bedroom. Quickly pulling his phone out, he made a call to Eddie who answered on the third ring. Delegating the run to their suppliers to his trusted employee meant one less thing for Connor to worry about today. The next call he made was to his mother-in-law, vaguely telling her something had come up and asking if she could keep Megan for a while longer, which she was happy to do. Rose kindly offered to also bring Megan home to save him driving back to hers. Now the only problem left for him to deal with was his wife. Connor spun around, peering worriedly into Cory’s bedroom. He could still see her curled up legs sticking out from where the bed ended.

  What did she mean?

  He clenched his phone in his hand, knowing he needed immediate clarity on the subject but loathed to upset her by pushing for an answer. Connor pinched his nose bridge. Jen appeared fragile, and the last time she had allowed him to see her like this was in the early aftermath of their son’s death. Prior to their split she had grown extremely closed off to him. Any attempt on his part to regain some form of connection between them was rebuked by her. He walked back into the bedroom and crouched down next to where she was.

  “Jenny,” He brushed the back of his hand against her cheek. The t-shirt pressed against her nose was a familiar yellow one Cory loved to wear. “Jen,” he called again.

  “Hmm?” She opened her eyes.

  “Why don’t you come to our bedroom? You can get some proper rest-” he paused when she started shaking her head.

  “No, I want to stay here,”

  “Ok,” Connor put his phone down on the floor and stretched out beside her. “We can stay in here.”

  “Ok,” she murmured as her eyelids closed and she clutched the t-shirt to her nose and inhaled deeply.

  Connor smiled to himself even though he felt strangely depleted. He fingered one of the tops by his head and tugged it closer to his nose. Was it weird to be lying atop a pile of their deceased son’s clothing? Who gave a fuck? He didn’t, and Jen needed this. She obviously needed this. What had she done during their separation to keep the connection with him? Connor only had to look around him, their home was filled with objects to connect with Cory. Take his bedroom, whenever Connor needed to be close to Cory, he would come in here. But he also had everywhere else in the house. The living room where the kids would run wildly around the furniture. The downstairs utility room where Megan had convinced Cory was the best hiding place in the house although it was the first place anyone would go looking. The kitchen. The attic – Cory would only ever go up there if Connor was with him. Even outside, the massive tree in their back garden where Cory would line up his toy cars and trucks then try to race them up the trunk…Connor had all these static connections. What had she used to feel close to their son? He hadn’t thought about it from that point of view, had only focused on her pained admission it was unbearable for her to be reminded of their son.

  “Jennifer,” he whispered as her shifted closer to her. “Jen?”

  She opened her eyes.

  “What did you mean?” he asked. “When we were talking just now. What did you mean?”

  “We promised,” she murmured before letting out a tired sigh.

  “Ok,” Connor scrutinized her face. “But what does that mean? Are you keep-” he huffed softly, frustrated he might say the wrong thing yet desperately needing clarity. He had to do it, he had to ask point blank. “Do you want to keep the baby? Is that what you mean?”

  She
nodded with a sad smile.

  “Yes?” His heart was thundering in the centre of his chest.

  “Yes.” she confirmed.

  “Ok,” he managed to get past the lump which had formed in his throat. Connor blinked a few times. “Ok,” Then he started smiling. “Ok.” He grabbed her chin and kissed her lips, softly, almost reverently. When he pulled back she gave him another weary smile and he couldn’t physically verbalize how overjoyed he was, so great was the emotion choking him. Instead he shuffled his arm around until he had her head resting on it and he could lightly stroke her shoulder with his hand. Peering into her distant gaze, Connor hoarsely voiced his restrained delight. “I’m really happy.”

  “I know.”

  “What about you?” he asked quietly. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

  Jen nodded and said, “I’m going to sleep now. I’m tired.”

  Connor leaned in to press a firm kiss to her forehead. “Alright, go to sleep and I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

  It only took a few minutes for the tension to leave her body and her breathing to even out into one of slumber. Connor couldn’t do the same. His mind raced with all manner of thoughts. He wanted to call their marriage therapist but what if the therapist said something which made Jen change her mind? He scrutinized her face as she slept. Was this some form of mental crisis she was experiencing? He should really call their therapist, but from the moment they’d gotten confirmation of the pregnancy she’d been reluctant to tell anyone their news. He could admit to himself the past few days had been terrible. The joy he felt on finding out she was pregnant had been obliterated upon seeing her reaction once the sex of their baby was revealed. He had kept his own counsel these past couple of days. Silently tormented over her decision and his willingness to go along with it. If he was honest with himself, he knew exactly what Jen had been going through. His first genuine thought after learning Jen was carrying a boy had been one of deep pain, like a vice around his heart which had left him looking shocked in the ultrasound room. It was understandable, expected, that he would immediately think of Cory. But seconds later the pain around his heart had lessened. He had been given another chance to be a father to a son. And he swore to himself he would make Cory proud. God. He missed him so much. Waking up each morning, now that Jen was back home, waking up each morning had changed into something much more bearable. He would still get that ache of knowing Cory wasn’t there, but Jen’s presence next to him made it bearable. Knowing his Meggie was down the hallway made it bearable. Would this baby help lessen the pain of losing Cory?

  He pressed his a soft kiss against Jen’s forehead and closed his eyes…

  “Jen, wake up,” Connor gently rubbed her back. He stifled his yawn and pulled himself into an upright position. Having only woken less than a minute ago, he could hear Megan shouting for them. Rose had obviously used her spare keys to let themselves in. “Jen, your mom’s here with Megan. Get up, hon.” It only took a few more moments of his gentle coaxing before her eyes opened. He yawned again. “Meg’s home.”

  Jen nodded and sat up. She rubbed her face then unsteadily jumped to her feet. “Coming, sweetie.” she yelled as she stretched the kinks out her body.

  Connor rose to his feet and lightly ran a hand up and down her back. “You ok?”

  She gave him a little nod but didn’t smile. He kept his hand on her lower back and guided her out Cory’s bedroom. Connor made sure to pull the door shut behind him. He would need to tidy the clothes up at some point this evening, and before Meg entered the room too. He didn’t know what her reaction would be concerning the mess which was now Cory’s closet. He didn’t want to risk a possible meltdown.

  “We’re coming, Meggie,” Connor yelled in response to their daughter’s shouts as they hurried down the landing towards the stairs. “Are you hungry, Jen? You’ve not eaten today, have you?”

  “It’s fine,” she mumbled and grabbed the banister before descending the staircase.

  Connor followed behind her, wondering whether she was truly fine. Rose and Megan were waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Hello, sweetie,” Connor smiled a hello at Rose as he went straight to his daughter’s side. “Did you have fun at Grandma’s?”

  “Dad,” Megan grabbed his hand and tugged him forward. “Come see what I got from Grandma.” She looked back over her shoulders. “Hi, Mom. Did you miss me?”

  “Of course, sweetie,” Jen said with a tired smile.

  “Dad,” Megan dropped his hand and skipped over to where she had left her bag. “Grandma has all these nice things in her closet and she let me have some.”

  Connor made the appropriate sounds of curiosity and saw Jen turn towards her mother in the corner of his eye.

  “Hi, Mom,” Jen took a few steps towards Rose while Connor tried to divide his attention between her and Megan who was chatting away about the trinkets she had appropriated from her grandma’s home. The sound which came from Jen seconds later had him focusing all his attention on her. She was blinking rapidly and staring at Rose with the saddest look on her face as she said, “I’m pregnant, Mom.”

  Rose’s mouth parted in surprise. She closed the remaining steps between them, clutching her chest with a wide gaze. “You are?”

  Connor’s stomach sank as he watched Jen’s face crumple. She nodded as a line of moisture escaped her eyes and in a broken voice told her mom, “It’s a boy, Mom. I’m having a boy.”

  Rose made a noise which could’ve been interpreted a number of ways. However it was meant, it seemed to have the intended impact on Jen because she burst into tears as Rose opened her arms and pulled her into a tight embrace.

  “Cry all you want, Jenny. I’m right here. It’s alright, you can cry as much as you want.”

  And cry she did as Rose patted her back and murmured words too low for Connor to hear. It was strange hearing Rose call Jen Jenny, she rarely did. Connor suddenly worried that his support had been slightly one-dimensional earlier on. He hadn’t told her it was ok to cry. Fuck. He had been more concerned with getting her to stop crying.

  “What’s wrong with Mom?” Meggie had stopped pulling the stuff from her bag which she had convinced Rose to give her and was staring at Rose and Jen while her mouth wobbled. She looked at Connor and her voice went up a notch. “Why is Mom crying?”

  Seeing the distress building on his daughter’s face, Connor made the wise choice to leave Jen in her mother’s capable arms while he dealt with Megan. Blocking her view of Jen and Rose, Connor made his tone extra cheery. “She’s alright just-”

  “Mommy,” Meg had no time for him. She dropped her bag of appropriated treasures, pushed past Connor and ran over to her mother and grandmother.

  Connor sighed, feeling completely useless as Meg tried to wrap her arms around Jen’s body and started crying.

  “Don’t cry, Mommy.” Meg wailed.

  “It’s alright, Megan,” Rose adjusted her arm so it could now encircle her granddaughter.

  “I’m alright, sweetie,” Jen assured Meg as she smoothed a hand over Meg’s right cheek and tried to stem Meg’s tears.

  “Why are you crying?” Meg asked between hiccups.

  “I’m just glad my mommy is here,” Jen said.

  “I’m here too,” Meg sniffled.

  “I know and I’m glad you’re here too, sweetie.” Jen assured her. “Guess what?”

  “What?” Meg peered up at Jen.

  “I’m having a baby.” Jen told her. “Isn’t that great? You’re going to be a big sister again.”

  “I am?” Meg wiped her nose as Connor walked over to their circle of embrace, stopping just shy of them. “When? Now?”

  Rose laughed and wiped her fingers under Jen’s eyes before doing the same for Meg. “Not now, but soon.” She turned her gaze to Jen. “How soon?”

  “A little over six months maybe,” Jen said with a shaky smile.

  Rose returned her smile then bent her head and tweaked Meg’
s nose. “I’m excited. Are you?”

  Megan was still focused on Jen. “Are you having a girl or a boy?”

  “A boy,” Jen said softly. Connor moved around in order to stand behind his wife and rest a supportive hand on her shoulder.

  Meg scrunched up her face for a second. “Oh. I guess that’s ok. I don’t mind,” Tears dwindling, she flung her hair back and said, “And I’ll let him use Cory’s toys. Not all! Just the ones I choose.” She paused, then added, “But I’ll let him play with my toys if he wants.” She twisted her head towards Rose. “When he’s big enough.”

  “That’s,” Jen’s voice cracked and Connor gently squeezed her shoulder. He stepped right up to her back and felt her body relax against his as the four of them stood in their little family circle.

  “That’s a really nice thing to say,” Connor said as he grinned at Meg and reached over to lightly tug on one of her curls.

  “Congratulations,” Rose said with an accompanying pat on his arm.

  “Congratulations,” Meg parroted. She wiped her eyes and her cheeky smile was back.

  Connor laughed and reached for Jen’s free hand. He slipped his fingers through hers. “Who’s hungry?”

  “Grandma gave me pasta and chicken before,” Meg declared. “It was yummy, but I can eat again.”

  Rose edged back from Jen and towed Megan along. “You’re always hungry. Are you having another growth spurt? Soon you’ll be as tall as your daddy.”

  “Daddy’s too tall, I don’t want long spider legs.” Meg groused. “Grandma, I think I left my phone at yours.”

  “You didn’t,” Rose gasped in mock horror. “Good thing your grandma has eyes at the back of her head and can see the future. I knew you would forget your phone so I made sure and picked it up before we left.”

  “You did?” Meg squeaked. Then she snorted. “You can’t see the future, grandma. That’s not real.”