Through the Wooden Door

by K Carr

  Two days ago on that unexpected but necessary trip to the office with the kids, Connor was ecstatic at the impromptu visit and easily fell into ‘proud papa’ role; I had to chase up an issue to figure out why there was a discrepancy with stock from our main supplier. With it being the first time all our employees had the chance to see Luke, everyone crowded around Connor and the kids while I made an escape to the office. And then, halfway through me swearing under my breath as I searched the electronic invoices on our system, it happened. It wasn’t vicious on this particular occasion, just a dull ache which made my fingers still over the keyboard as a memory of Cory running along the designated walkway in the warehouse with Megan yelling at him to comeback popped into my head. He used to love having her chase after him, she would pretend to be stern, pretend to be ‘the parent’ while fighting her giggles and run after him. The image was a happy one but even the happy ones hurt. Sat behind the desk staring blankly at the screen as Cory’s laughter echoed in my head, I allowed the range of emotions to pass over me. Sadness, quickly followed by a flash of rage. The rage was gone before I even registered it, replaced by the numbness I had first encountered after my father’s death.

  Luke made a noise, bringing me back to the present as Connor gently rubbed his back.

  Numbness wasn’t the right way to describe the feeling. It was a void, one so empty it left you numb. I had two such voids dwelling inside me and there was nothing which could ever fill them.

  “There you go,” Connor murmured when Luke let out an adorable burp. He checked our son continued to sleep before returning his full attention to me. “We’ve got time, sweetheart.”

  I shook my head and reached over to press the back of my hand against the side of Luke’s face. A quick check to make sure he wasn’t too warm.

  “He’s fine,” Connor also raised a hand to Luke’s neck, double-checking.

  “Let’s do it,” I said. “Things are getting busy at work so if we start doing little bits now, there won’t be a huge job waiting for us in the next three months.” I took a couple of deep breaths. “I can start packing away some of Cory’s clothes,”

  Connor, perhaps it was unconscious, made a noise of protest. Then he blinked a few times and agreed. “Ok. That sounds ok, but,” he paused, eyes darting aimlessly around our dimly lit bedroom. “Are you sure you don’t want to re-use some of-”

  I vehemently shook my head. We had already agreed not to use Cory’s clothes for Luke months ago. It was an expense we could ill-afford but all of Luke’s clothes were brand new. I think facing the real prospect of putting away Cory’s things was making Connor forget that, never mind he had been the one to bring up the issue.

  “Everything has to be new,” I twisted slightly to check on Meg. She was snoring lightly and again I wondered if she would be able to manage something to eat when she woke up.

  “But we’re not packing away all his toys,” As much as he tried to keep his expression calm, his voice betrayed him. “We’re not going to pack away everything, Jen. I,” he broke off and stroked Luke’s back for a second. “We’re not packing away everything.” He shook his head at me. “We’re not. I don’t want us to.”

  “No,” I understood the underlying alarm in his tone. “Not everything. I mean, we have to think of Meg also, I don’t think she’ll be happy with that.”

  We fell silent for a while. Then a wide grin blossomed on Connor’s face, chasing away the sadness in his eyes. “My parents want us all to go on a family vacation this year, all of us. Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. The whole shebang.”

  I raised one eyebrow. “Do they?”

  He nodded. “I think Mom already spoke to Rose-”

  Both eyebrows were now reaching for my hairline. “My mom didn’t mention it to me.”

  Connor adjusted Luke’s position on his chest. “She called me yesterday morning,” He shuffled himself towards the edge of the bed. “Told me I had a two days to notify you of the plans or she would. I think my mom wants it to be a surprise for you. A nice vacation with no worries.” He chuckled. “Your mom wasn’t having it, said you wouldn’t like that kind of surprise hence the two day warning, well one now.”

  I nodded, pleased by my mother’s ultimatum. She probably had the same thought I was having now. This ‘extended family’ vacation might actually turn out to be some religious retreat bonding session. You could never be too sure with Connor’s family.

  “We don’t have to go,” Connor offered. “It’s not set in stone or anything. I think Mom just wants us all together. We can do our own thing later on if you wanted, just your mom, my parents and the children.” he reiterated. “We don’t have to go.”

  I smiled, understanding the intent and appreciating him giving me an out; while simultaneously weighing up the cost of having to deal with Connor’s extended family.

  He carefully slid his legs off the bed. “I’m going to put him in his crib.”

  I laid a restraining hand on his arm and asked, “Do you forgive me?”

  “Yes, of course,” he said at once then frowned. “What am I forgiving you for by the way?”

  “Everything,” I shrugged and evade his gaze. We were no longer seeing our marriage therapist, had earned her badge of approval that we once again had the tools to maintain a healthy and loving relationship. We were in a better place now, but I had never officially asked for his forgiveness. During our past sessions we never focused on the blame and Connor, no matter what was said, would always hold himself responsible for what happened that day. “For everything I didn’t do, every bad thing I did and said, just everything.”

  He swapped Luke over to his other shoulder and my gaze returned to his face. Connor slowly shook his head. “There’s nothing to forgive, Jennifer. Whatever you think you’ve done wrong, whatever happened in the past – I understand why you did it. There’s nothing to forgive.”

  “Yes,” I softly contradicted under his intense scrutiny. “There is. Do you forgive me?”

  “Do you forgive me?” he turned the question back on me.

  I didn’t answer immediately. The number of times he had asked for my forgiveness since the accident couldn’t be measured. Had I ever given him a genuine answer? I thought about it, remembering the first time he had asked. We had just arrived home from the hospital after losing Cory. My Mom was there with Megan, so were Connor’s parents. I remembered not saying a single word as I walked into the house and headed straight upstairs to our bedroom. I remembered changing my clothes, having only just finished when Connor entered the room and closed the door behind him. He had burst into tears - I had never seen him cry before - deep heaving sobs as he fell to his knees in front of me and said how sorry he was. He begged for my forgiveness as he sobbed. All I could do was hold him as he wrapped his arms around my waist and cried against my stomach, sobbing for our son, wracked with grief and guilt. He had begged and I had said nothing.

  “Yes,” I choked out. “I have. I do.” I meant it. I couldn’t pinpoint how long I had felt this way. It had been a gradual progress. There had been no conscious decision to forgive him, it had simply happen. However I had gotten to this stage was irrelevant. I was here now and I meant it. “Do you forgive me, Connor?”

  He stared at me for a long moment. “Yes,” he said. “If that’s what you need to hear, then yes. I forgive you.”

  “Thank you.” I said with a smile.

  He smiled back at me, mouthing, ‘I love you’ as he leaned in to give me a quick kiss before standing up with Luke. Meg stirred beside me and I absent-mindedly reached over to pat her back while I watched Connor take one step forward only to freeze when Luke whimpered softly.

  “Connor,”

  Gingerly, he tried to turn towards me without disturbing Luke any further, one cautious millimetre at a time.

  “We’re going to be ok,” I asked quietly. “Right?”

  The look he sent my way transported me back to a time when we viewed our future as one filled with unlimited possibilities
. He looked at me and I felt like that slightly obnoxious twenty-something year old who knew without the shadow of a doubt that she had made the right choice by falling in love with him.

  Connor nodded, just the once because his expression said it all. Unwavering. Assured. Content. His whole face lit up and it warmed my heart. “We’re going to be ok.”

  I believed it.