He frowns as he cuts himself off. He clears his throat, the expression on his face uncertain. “I just mean that you’re really important to me. I don’t want to ever make you feel otherwise.”
I lean back into him to hug him again. “Is it okay to admit that I’m not totally sure what I want to do when it comes to Blaine?”
“Of course it’s okay.” He kisses the top of my head. It makes me melt into him even more.
“Dude’s a kind of weirdo I’ve never seen before,” he says. “Like a weirdo on steroids. And every type of drug known to man. How is he not dead yet?”
I laugh into his chest before leaning back to look at him.
“I’ve got your back, Dunn.” He cradles his palm against the back of my head and my insides go mushy.
I press a kiss to his lips. His tongue tangles with mine. Soon we’re panting.
“I really, really like making up with you, Dunn,” he says against my mouth.
I let out a breathy chuckle. “Me too. You’re excellent at apologizing.”
We share another naughty kiss before breaking apart.
“You should watch that video Rylan put together,” I say after catching my breath. “She’s so excited for you to see it.”
Drew bites his lip, smiling before swiping the tablet up from the dashboard of his car. While he watches, I lean back in my seat and smooth out my clothes and my hair. I glance over and see him beaming at the video.
“Damn. This is incredible. Rylan did a hell of a job. And that song.” He bops his head along to the acoustic indie tune.
I chuckle. “She was dying to show it to you.”
“I mentioned to her when I saw her editing it the other day that Upheaval Dome is my favorite thing we’ve seen in Utah so far, so that’s probably why,” he says.
“Really?” I look up from digging through my bag for a hair tie. “We’ve seen a lot of incredible sites. Canyons that go on and on forever. Rock formations that look like phalluses and mushrooms. Upheaval Dome is the one that takes the cake for you?”
Drew laughs, then swipes his finger across the tablet screen. “Just the fact that we don’t know how exactly it was formed is mind-blowing to me. The best guess scientists seem to have is that it was created when a meteor hit Earth millions of years ago.” He looks up at me. “But you know that.”
I pull down the mirror on the visor. “I remember that coming up when I was researching while writing the script,” I say as I gather my unruly hair into a ponytail. I glance at him. “So that’s why you like it so much? Because it’s a geological mystery?”
“Nah. I like it because it reminds me of you.”
I laugh. “Upheaval Dome is an impact structure. So you’re comparing me to a destructive meteor that hit Earth millions of years ago and left a devastating mark on the surface. That’s smooth, Irons.”
He rubs the back of his neck, his smile taking on a timid sheen. “No, I mean . . . it reminds me of your effect on me.”
I stop laughing when I notice the tender expression on his face.
“I mean it in the best possible way,” he says. “You came into my life like a meteor—both times. The night we met on the subway and then when we met again in Utah. I wasn’t expecting it, either time. But seeing you . . . It shook me.”
“I shook you?”
He nods. “You’re this beautiful and ballsy woman. You had my attention from the get-go, and not just because you’re gorgeous. It was the way you carried yourself. You were confident, forward, and bold. You told me what you wanted and when you wanted it—both on our date and when we started working together.”
I blush and glance down at my lap. “I thought you were annoyed with me that first day of shooting at Arches. You didn’t think I was too demanding?” I let out a shy laugh.
“Not even close. I was in awe of you. Yeah, we argued, but it made me like you even more. It showed me you were willing to fight for your vision and for your crew. Not to mention, you’re hot when you’re in your element. You command a set with such focus, but you’re also kind and approachable. It’s a killer combination.”
I stammer. I can’t even say thank you. I’ve never had anyone describe how they feel about me in this way.
His eyes are dazzling with an emotion I can’t quite nail down. “You’ve left an impact on me, Dunn,” he says softly. “I just know that after this shoot, I won’t be able to forget you.”
He turns back to look at the tablet screen for a second. The video is paused on a wide shot of Upheaval Dome. The cylindrical formations look like majestic gray mountains on the screen. They jump out from the red-rock background in an abrupt contrast.
When he looks back up at me a second later, his cheeks are red. He leans his head back against the headrest. “Shit. That was a really weird and creepy thing to say.” He lets out a breath, then laughs.
I grab his arm so he looks at me, my heart pounding. “It wasn’t. It was . . . the best compliment anyone has ever given me.”
My head is spinning at what Drew means by what he said. When we started hooking up, we agreed there wouldn’t be any expectations for our arrangement—or for us. But he just said he couldn’t forget me . . . Does that mean he could want more than this temporary setup?
For a second, I let myself dream about doing this with Drew long-term. Mind-blowing sex. Working together on more projects. Cuddling in bed. Spending evenings after a hard day at work chatting over our favorite drinks. Enjoying his eggs Benedict on a regular basis. I even fantasize about fighting with him because making up with him is so damn hot.
My heart skids in my chest. A new kind of heat consumes me from the inside out. It’s different from arousal or that heat I feel whenever we flirt and tease each other.
It’s a heat rooted in comfort and longing. It’s a heat that makes my chest ache and my heart swell.
I’d really, really love to have all that with Drew—something more than this arrangement.
And that thought jolts me to the core. Because that’s the first time I’ve felt this way about anyone in years.
When I refocus on him, there’s an expectant look on his face. It makes me think that maybe, just maybe, he wants something more with me too.
He slides his hand in my lap, where my hand is resting. I take that as a prompt to say exactly what’s on my mind.
I clear my throat and silently command my heart to stop beating out of my chest so I can hear myself think and word this very, very important proposal properly. “Do you think that maybe, after this shoot is done, we can—”
His phone blares. I grit my teeth, watching as an impossibly deep frown claims his face. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and I hold my breath, hoping that he’ll silence it or turn it off or chuck it out the window, anything to make the noise stop so I can ask him if he actually wants to make things official with us.
When he answers, my heart sinks.
“Hey, Quinn. What’s up?” He turns to me and mouths, “My sister. Sorry.”
I nod and try to smile.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.” Drew frowns as he stares straight ahead. “What do you mean . . . ? He what?” Drew closes his eyes and leans his head back on the headrest, then lets out a sigh. “Okay. Yeah, I can switch to FaceTime if you want to put him on really quick, hang on.”
He switches to FaceTime, then looks at me. “I’m sorry about this.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, it’s fine . . . It’s just my sister’s husband works overseas a lot and she gets overwhelmed with my niece and nephew, so I told her if she ever needed a breather or they start acting up and she can’t get ahold of my brother-in-law to just call me, and I’ll try to help out.”
I make an “aww” sound before I can catch myself.
“Drew, you didn’t tell me you were with someone,” Quinn says.
/> He purses his lips as he looks back at his phone screen. “Yeah, but it’s nothing. Just my coworker.”
I pull my lips into my mouth as I endure the sting of his words. As he talks to his sister, I quietly absorb the ache of his dismissal and wonder if I read his declaration of affection from minutes ago completely wrong. If I truly meant something to him . . . If I were truly someone special to Drew, someone who he wanted something more—something serious—with, he wouldn’t refer to me as “nothing” or “just his coworker.”
His sister yells the name Logan. I notice that her facial features are more delicate than Drew’s, but they have the same slender nose and sparkling hazel-brown eyes. Her face disappears from the screen, and then a young blond boy appears. He looks like he’s in early elementary school.
“Hi, Uncle Drew!” His blue eyes shine. I can’t help but smile at just how excited his little nephew is to see him.
Drew beams at him. “Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”
Logan chatters about school and how he signed up for T-ball and what his pet lizard ate for dinner. The way Drew listens intently while Logan talks makes me want to squeal. And then my mind automatically imagines Drew cuddling a chunky baby in his arms while he smiles and coos. My chest swells. I swallow and hold my breath until the feeling passes.
“That’s good, buddy,” Drew says, snapping me out of my daydream. “Your mom told me that you haven’t been listening to her lately. She said you yelled at her and called her a bad name. What’s going on there?”
Logan’s cherub face goes blank. “Um, I dunno.” His eyes dart to the side.
“Buddy, I know it’s tough right now with your dad gone for work. I know you miss him.”
Logan wipes his nose with his wrist as he aims his wide-eyed stare at Drew once more. “Yeah, I miss him a lot.”
“That’s probably why you’re feeling sad and upset, right?”
It takes a second for Logan to reply, but then he says a soft yes while nodding.
“It’s okay to get upset sometimes when you’re feeling sad because you miss someone,” Drew says. “But you have to remember that your mom is working really hard while your dad’s away, okay?”
Logan nods.
“She loves you so much, and she just needs you to listen to her. So when she tells you that she needs you to do something, you have to do your best to help her. Can you do that for me, buddy?”
I bite my lip to keep from aww-ing out loud again. Watching burly, sexy lumberjack Drew slip into doting-uncle mode is like catnip for me.
Logan pauses for a second, but then nods. “Okay, Uncle Drew. I’ll listen to Mom more. I promise.”
Drew grins at him. “That’s my champ. And remember: it’s never okay to call your mom names. Understand?”
“I promise I won’t do it again.”
“Will you be sure to tell your mom sorry and give her a hug after you finish talking to me?”
He smiles and nods.
Drew promises to mail the gifts he’s bought for Logan and his sister soon, contingent upon a good report from Quinn.
Logan’s eyes go wide. “I promise, Uncle Drew.”
“I gotta go, but I’ll talk to you again soon, okay? Love you.”
Logan says, “Love you too,” and they hang up. Drew tosses his phone on the dashboard of his car and then leans back with a groan.
“Good God. I love my sister and her kids more than anything, but man, it’s exhausting dealing with them sometimes.” He lets out a tired chuckle, then rubs a hand over his face. “Phone calls like that make me so freaking glad to be on my own. I just have to worry about me and no one else. Thank fuck for that.” He lets out a heavy sigh.
Any lingering hope and sentiment I had from a few minutes ago, when he went on about how I’ve made an impact on his life and how he’ll never forget me, vaporizes. He probably meant that as a memory, that his time with me will be pleasant to look back on, but nothing more. Because he just said he prefers to be on his own . . . which means he’s clearly not interested in anything serious.
I fix my stare on my lap so he hopefully won’t notice the disappointment that I’m certain is painted on my face.
“Sorry, what were we talking about before Quinn called?” he asks.
I glance at him as he scrubs his hand over his face.
Shaking my head, I look out my window. “I forgot. It wasn’t important.”
He touches my arm, and I turn to him. “You mentioned something about after the shoot. About what?”
His eyes shine with concern. But I know better than to read too much into it. That connection I felt earlier, that hope I thought I felt from him, was probably just the emotional high I was riding after his apology.
I look Drew in the eye. “I . . . just wanted to say that you’re an amazing host. You should think about headlining some other show after this series is done.”
I hope all the effort I’m putting into keeping my face neutral pays off. I hope he believes what I’m saying.
His stare remains fixed on me. And then he blinks. “Oh. Thanks. Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe.” Another long moment passes. “That’s all you wanted to say?”
I squint down at my phone just to avoid that raw feeling of being stared at by him. “Yup.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see that Drew remains facing toward me. But then after a second, he turns forward and starts the car. He pulls out of the spot, heads straight for the highway, and drives us back to the condo rental.
19
So let me get this straight,” Haley says. “You chickened out on telling Drew your feelings because he had a cute conversation with his nephew?”
I groan through my sip of coffee as Haley drives us from our new condo rental to Capitol Reef National Park. “When you put it like that, I sound like an asshole.”
She shrugs as she focuses on the road ahead. “I’m just repeating what you said to me.”
“You’re not, not even close. That’s not at all what I said.”
“Then explain it to me.”
If I weren’t currently preoccupied with mentally dissecting my and Drew’s conversation from two days ago, I’d be enamored with the nearby scenery. Surrounding us is more of that iconic red-rock landscape. Mesas and plateaus dot the highway along the drive to Capitol Reef.
“You don’t fool me. I know you’re not gawking at the pretty rocks,” Haley says.
“I actually am,” I say defiantly. “And I’m thinking about the shot list for today. I’d love to get some shots of the Fruita orchards in the park. Can you believe there are more than three thousand fruit trees in the middle of Capitol Reef? Early settlers planted cherry, apricot, peach, and nectarine trees. And apple trees. And plum trees. They really liven up this desert landscape.”
From the corner of my eye, I catch Haley shaking her head. Going on and on about the random orchards at Capitol Reef is a poor stalling tactic. My best friend isn’t going to let me off the hook that easily. I’m going to have to admit my true feelings about my last interaction with Drew, and I’m not looking forward to it . . . because I know just how raw it’s going to make me feel.
I turn to Haley, and she shoots me a deadpan stare. “Are you seriously talking about fruit trees right now?”
My shoulders slump. “He just sounded so sincere when he said that even after this shoot is over, he could never forget me. I thought that was his way of saying he wanted to pursue something . . . serious.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I want it if he wants it,” I say before draining the last of my coffee and setting the paper cup in the center console cup holder.
Haley makes a disgusted noise. “Nope. Not acceptable. Since when are you the kind of woman who lets a man dictate your wants and needs? Or your feelings?”
I clamp my mouth shut, burning from the inside
out because Haley is exactly right in her assessment of me.
I sigh. “I’m scared of getting hurt, Haley. You know better than anyone my dumpster-fire dating history.”
I don’t have to reference my heartbreak with Reid. The way she looks at me, I can tell she knows whom I’m talking about.
“I told Drew about Reid.”
Haley whips her head at me. “You did?”
“It was weirdly easy to talk to him about it. Before, just thinking about talking to anyone other than you about that awful relationship made me want to crawl under the nearest rock and disappear. But Drew was so supportive and understanding. He didn’t judge me. I felt . . . better after being so open with him.”
“That’s awesome, Alia.”
“I guess the fact that I’m so comfortable with him and can talk to him about anything signifies just how much I like him.”
“Bingo,” Haley says softly, eyes glued to the road. “And that’s why you should tell him how you feel. Hiding your feelings isn’t good for either of you. You know that.”
A sliver of nagging doubt seeps into my brain and takes hold. “I can’t. I’m not ready. Especially when he’s already said that he doesn’t want anything serious.”
My old defenses, the ones I spent years developing in order to guard my heart, take hold once more. I’m like a cat crawling up a tree. It’s instinctual at this point and impossible to shake after so many years of training myself to make this my natural response.
“He seemed to move on fine from our conversation,” I say. “And he hasn’t brought it up since then. We’ve only talked about work. I feel pathetic enough as it is sitting here, spilling my feelings about him to you when there’s a very real possibility that he’s not even thinking about me in the same way.”
Haley turns in the direction of the park. I glance out the side-view mirror and spot the van with Wyatt, Joe, and Rylan behind us. Behind them is Drew in his truck.
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