Love Online (Truly Yours Digital Editions)

by Nancy Toback

Tom returned to the sofa. If he could hold fast to truth tonight, he’d not allow the distraction of her nearness to rule his passions.

  “So.” Jess appeared in the doorway, untying the white apron at her tiny waist. “Are you ready?”

  No. Tom stood. “To the table?”

  “Right here.” She pulled out a spindle-backed chair.

  Tom met her gaze, hesitated, and smiled. “Thanks—for all of this.”

  “That’s what friends are for.”

  True. And friends was all they’d ever be.

  Ten

  Jess buzzed around the kitchen, out of Tom’s view, gathering cups and dishes for the dessert phase of their meal. Her hands shook as she poured fresh coffee from the glass pot into two mugs.

  She was barely able to speak through dinner, though she should have been grateful Tom had shunned her innocent hug. Imagine if she’d been her chatty self—not rendered sullen and heartbroken by Tom’s rebuff? She might have offered him her heart right then and there.

  Jess placed the coffee mugs beside the two plates of apple pie. Her pulse pounded harder, her face heated. She wouldn’t cry. By God’s grace she wouldn’t cry. The sooner Tom left her apartment, the better.

  He’d either catch her stealing covert glimpses of his taut, muscular forearms, or he’d see right through the thin shell of her cool veneer to the overwhelming misery beneath the surface—the realization that she’d never be in his safe embrace or nestled against his strong chest.

  Biting her quivering lip, Jess scooped vanilla ice cream onto the slices of pie. What if this was their last time together and Tom died away to a dim memory—jammed into the already stuffed closet in her head? Thoughts of him would emerge, slip under the door, same as they had with her dad tonight.

  “A woman should never chase a man, Jess. Remember that. Nothing will make a guy run faster.” If only she had recalled her father’s words of wisdom before coercing Tom into dinner. Now she looked like the desperado she was. It would be one thing if it was just some guy—any guy. But Tom? Oh, how it mortified her.

  Tom’s reserved demeanor told her he wanted to beat a path out her door, even while he ate, stopping to give her polite compliments. He had already started a new life. And if she didn’t get on with hers, she’d be left in the dust, wallowing in self-pity.

  Jess drew a deep breath. Right now she had to summon enough composure to navigate the living room with the tray laden with hot items—and not stumble and scald herself. She would smile her way through dessert. Wasn’t she practiced at smiling on the outside? And when it came time to say good-bye, she’d keep her chin up.

  Jess gripped the serving tray with both hands. Perhaps they’d get around to discussing Love Online. Now there was a prickly topic guaranteed to burst her balloon—suck the air out of her romantic dreams and plummet her back to earth in a crash landing. She put one foot in front of the other with purpose and entered the living room. “Here we go.”

  “Can I help?” Tom started to rise from the sofa.

  “No, I’m fine,” she said, setting down the tray on the coffee table. “I hope the pie’s not overcooked or—”

  “It looks beautiful, Jess. Smells great.” Tom rubbed his hands together, smiled, and pointed. “May I?”

  “Please, have at it.” Jess edged her way around the coffee table and sank to the cushion beside him. Their arms brushed, giving her heart an unwelcome jolt. A blanket of sadness fell on her as she watched him from the corner of her eye. Her attraction to him had ruined everything. “Is it good?”

  “Mmm.” Chewing and nodding, Tom smiled. “The best.” He picked up his mug, sipped coffee, then turned his cinnamon gaze on her. “Mind if I ask you a nosy question?”

  Jess buried her anticipation under a smile. “Sure, shoot.”

  “What made you walk out on Jim?”

  Feeling thumped over the head by the unexpected inquiry, Jess licked her lips, cleared her throat, and swallowed. “Oh, that.” Looking away from his magnetic gaze, she grabbed her plate and jabbed the ice cream with her spoon. “We didn’t hit it off really.” She chanced another glance at him.

  Tom’s brows pulled together. “You didn’t hit it off? And that was the only reason you bolted for the door?”

  She should’ve guessed Tom knew her too well to swallow the half-truth. Even Marilyn had weighed her with a critical squint, exactly as Tom did now, as if questioning her sanity.

  “I suppose it was a combination of things.” Jess studied the melting ice cream while her heart skipped beats. “Jim kept dropping food all over the place”—and you kept laughing with Linda—“grating my nerves until every crumb could’ve been a boulder.”

  “Sorry.” Tom snorted a mild chuckle. “Sorry things didn’t work out for you, Jess.”

  His sentiments sounded sincere. Her neck and face heated, but she pushed a smile to her face. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll hear fireworks with the next guy.”

  Resting his elbows on his knees, hands clasped, Tom nodded. “You’re going to try again then?”

  “Sure, why not?” Jess held her breath, willing him to make an objection. None came. “We can’t all be as fortunate as you were the first time around.”

  “True.” Tom scrubbed his hand across his jaw. Thinking. Always thinking. “But even though Linda and I got on really well”—he raked his gaze over her face slowly—“I’m not going to be exclusive this time.”

  “This time?” Jess burst into laughter, nearly knocking the dish off her lap. “Tom? When have we ever been exclusive? Whom did we have to be exclusive with?”

  Scraping the last bit of pie off his plate, Tom forked it into his mouth. The dark cloud settling over his features caused her laughter to die on her lips. He set his plate on the table, gently, as if not to disturb the solemn moment—the funeral of their friendship.

  Jess sat up straighter, her back as tense as the growing silence between them. Any second now, the black cloud tumbling toward her would hit with full impact.

  “Well.” Tom cleared his throat. “It’s getting late.”

  Her heart smashed against her ribs. “You know what’s funny. I just met a guy on Love Online who mentioned something similar. He wants to play the field. Well, not really—he wants to find the woman God has for him. And I thought it was so honest of him to say that up front. And, well, I wrote back.” Jess broke for a breath, though the blaze of Tom’s eyes was enough to cut short her babbling.

  “Are you using your real name?”

  Perhaps it was her imagination or wishful thinking, but the casualness in his voice sounded deliberate. Her insides perked at his sudden show of interest. “Oh, no, too dangerous.” His gaze stayed riveted to her face. She definitely had his full attention now. “Do you want to guess what my handle is?”

  A slow smile graced his handsome face. “It has to have something to do with food, right?”

  The expectation in his eyes tempted her to nod yes, to reassure him he had won the game. Jess felt a genuine smile warm her face. “One wrong guess. You get two more.”

  Tom tugged at the knot on his already loosened tie. “Then it has to have something to do with cooking—being a chef?” The urgency in his voice suggested impatience.

  Jess bit her lip and shook her head regretfully. “Nope.”

  Tom cupped his hand to the back of his neck. As much as he loved winning, the look of determination on his face betrayed an underlying frustration that went far beyond their little game. “Okay, Jess, I give up.”

  “Oh, no, so soon?” Her smile faded. A pang of loss accompanied the certainty that everything had changed between them. “It—it’s ‘Loves God.’ ”

  Tom nodded slowly. “ ‘Loves God,’ ” he whispered. “That’s nice, Jess. Sweet.”

  “Thanks.” Sipping her coffee, she studied his profile with her lids lowered. The tremor in the pit of her stomach kept her from asking for his Love Online handle.

  He glanced at his watch again. “Well, I don’t want to overstay my w
elcome.” Tom stood and stretched. The knot in her stomach tightened as she watched him move to the chair where his suit jacket lay and then scoop it up.

  Jess sprang off the sofa cushion. “Can I get you more pie? Coffee?” It couldn’t be over. Not yet. She needed more time. A little more time.

  Patting his flat stomach, Tom shook his head. “No, thanks. Everything was delicious, but I overdid it.”

  Jess put her hand on his arm. Please don’t go. “Wait—”

  Tom glanced down, then lifted his serious gaze to her face. The red light was on again. She quickly withdrew her hand. “Let me wrap the leftovers for you.”

  Without waiting for his response, Jess pivoted, flew to the kitchen, eyes burning, heart pounding.

  ❧

  Tom stood in front of the mantel, hands in his pockets. He’d done it again. There were hundreds of women to choose from on Love Online. Hundreds.

  Was this the Lord’s intervention? His handiwork? Like when he wanted to follow his first instincts, refuse Jess’s invitation to come here tonight, and in a split second, with his mind saying no, the Lord had prompted a yes.

  And that idiotic comment he’d made about not being exclusive. How had he let that slip? Jess thought the remark hilarious. And it was.

  “Almost done,” she called from the kitchen.

  “Sure, no problem.” Planted in front of the mantel, he refused to move. He had lingered in the doorway of the kitchen for awhile, watching Jess pack food for him, until a wild urge to hold her, to kiss her, forced him to make an abrupt about-face. He had no intentions of venturing back to the scene of the crime.

  “So where are you going with Linda tomorrow?” Her cheery voice drifted into the living room.

  Tom’s mouth twisted into a cynical grin. Her casual tone indicated she was over the jealousy phase—the catalyst that had prompted her to invite him to dinner in the first place. “Oh, I don’t know. Linda likes Italian food. Maybe that place downtown.”

  Who was he kidding? He wouldn’t take her to La Luna. Too many memories of times spent there with Jess. One thing for sure, he needed to make a clean break, a fresh start. “Or maybe the new place on Seventh Avenue.”

  He eyed the photo on the mantel of a smiling Dean, locked in a hug with Jess. Tom swallowed around the lump forming in his throat. My job here is finished. Finished. And I promise I did my best. “That food about ready?”

  “Right here.”

  Startled, Tom turned, crashing into Jess and catching her by the arms. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were behind me.” They stood within a breath of a kiss. He pried open his fingers, releasing his grasp on her.

  “It—it’s all right.” Jess didn’t move.

  Desire was back, gnawing at him. Tom inched away and took the plastic bag from her outstretched hand. “What have you got in here? The kitchen sink?”

  Jess fluffed her hair and cleared her throat. Her slender hands twisted together. She looked as eager for him to leave as he was desperate for their time together to end. “There’s enough food in there to keep you—” She backed up. Not far enough. Never far enough to obliterate his attraction to her. “To keep you fed for a week.”

  Tom held up the plastic sack. “Well, thanks a lot for this—for everything, Jess.” He was crazy to have come here. He strode to the front door and turned. “I guess I’d better—”

  “I meant to say before—I’m not going to be exclusive either.” Her lips curved in a small smile that didn’t quite reach her striking eyes.

  “Well, good.” Tom put his hand on the doorknob. He was sure Dean was still watching him—only this time from a photo. “Just be careful, Jess.”

  “I will.” Hands clasped behind her back, chin raised, her smile slipped.

  A stab of guilt hit him—a gut reluctance to leave her alone. Tom cleared his throat. “Could I have a glass of water?”

  “Oh, sure.” Jess turned and headed for the kitchen. “Must be all that salty food.”

  Tom released his white-knuckled grip on the knob. Jess shouldn’t be alone. She shouldn’t have to look for a husband on the Internet. He had to shoulder at least half the blame for her situation. If he hadn’t been a fixture at her side, she would’ve had more offers.

  He wouldn’t e-mail her again on Love Online. He didn’t need to drag Jess, or himself, back into a relationship heading nowhere. Still, he itched to burst into his apartment, flick on the laptop, and read the E-mail Jess had sent him in error.

  “Here you go.” Jess held out the glass, ice cubes clinking, assessing him with her cool, blue eyes.

  Tom took the tall glass from her. “Thanks a lot.” The last thing he needed was to meander, catch another whiff of her orange-vanilla scent. In two long swallows, he drained the glass and handed it back to her.

  “See you, Tom.” Jess raised her hand in a farewell gesture.

  “Yeah.” He jerked open the door. “See you, and thanks again.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  He heard the door close behind him and the finality of the snapping locks as he made his way toward the elevator.

  Dragging his fingers through his hair, he looked up and sucked in a breath. Did You put me in this situation tonight, Lord, or did my weak will bring me to Jess’s door?

  As the elevator sank to the lobby, Tom caught a glimpse of his distorted reflection in the metal doors. He looked as if he’d been through a war—a battle all too familiar—flesh against spirit.

  In the lobby he slowed his pace and looked around, vowing not to return. His armor had sustained more dents and scratches tonight than he cared to admit. E-mailing Jess, even under a secret identity, would be too dangerous.

  He returned the doorman’s nod and walked up the street. A light drizzle cooled the air. Tom shuddered and picked up his pace as if he might outrun the sense of desolation closing in on him.

  Eleven

  Jess scanned the coffee table littered with cups and dishes. An hour must have passed since Tom had left her apartment, though she hadn’t moved off the sofa or kept track of time. She pulled in a breath and began stacking the aftermath of dessert.

  Reliving Tom’s rejection would do her no good. If she didn’t snap out of it, she’d fall into a useless state—crawl inside herself as she had when her father died. As much as she loved the familiar, loved Tom, the time had come to venture out, let go of the past.

  Jess stood and carried the tray into the kitchen. What if Tom hadn’t been by her side through the worst tragedy of her life? Her gaze drifted to the calendar on the refrigerator. In a few days she’d have to face the one-year anniversary of her father’s death—alone.

  Standing at the sink, Jess turned the hot water handle and squirted dish liquid into the pan. She grabbed the copper brush, scrubbed the crusted pot, and shook her head. A tear tumbled down her cheek, splashing into the soapy dishwater.

  “What an ordeal.” Even Jim Hunt had shown her more warmth than Tom had tonight. Anyone watching from the outside might have thought her a temptress who’d lured Tom into her apartment. Well, maybe she had. Trickles of guilt washed down her back. Hadn’t that been her true motive? To get Tom to act the way he used to? To tell her in his special way how beautiful and delightful she was? She swallowed hard. Those days were over now.

  Jess pitched the brush into the pan, turned off the faucet, and dried her hands. She pressed the dishcloth to her damp face, tossed it on the counter, and returned to the living room. She would have to learn to carry on without Tom. He’d go on and get married, and they wouldn’t be friends then anyway. This was for the best. Better to have it over now, before she had to watch him fall in love with another woman.

  “It’s time to eat, Kiwi.” Jess shook the box of seed beside his cage. Edging along his perch in anticipation, the parakeet studied her with black beady eyes. “Tom was awful tonight, Kiwi. But I suppose I deserved it.” She filled his dish and hooked it inside the cage. “We probably won’t be seeing him again.”

  Swallowing pa
st the knot in her throat, she meandered to the window and pressed her head against the cool pane. “I admit it, Lord. I feel lonely and alone.” She knew the Scriptures—the Lord’s precious promises. He’d never leave her nor forsake her. And, before looking outwardly for peace and joy, she’d have to grasp, deep down, that she was complete in God.

  But when Tom walked out tonight, she felt a piece of herself die. Maybe their friendship had been founded on an unhealthy dependence upon one another. Never the way God intended for a man and a woman. Without the benefit of marriage, where had they been heading anyway? She didn’t know. But the path they’d been traveling together suddenly diverged, leaving her alone to venture into un-known territory.

  Turning from the window, Jess sighed and scanned the quiet room. She would practice godliness with contentment, look upward, not outward, for joy the world couldn’t give and had no power to take from her.

  Her gaze lingered on the laptop on her desk. The machine seemed to beckon to her. Jess approached the desk slowly and circled the chair once before yielding to the temptation to sign on to the Internet. How pathetic was she? Actually looking forward to an E-mail from a complete stranger? But that stranger was the only hope she felt at the moment. The only glimmer that maybe she wouldn’t spend her life alone. Oh, he wouldn’t be the one, most likely, but if he could find interest in her, someone else would as well. Just not Tom.

  While waiting for the connection, she sent up a silent prayer. If TCTwo had sent a reply, she might make a new Christian friend. Not that anybody could replace Tom. But oddly TCTwo’s first E-mail had brought her a measure of peace.

  Jess scrolled through her messages quickly, stopping when she saw his E-mail, stuck between the other Love Online responses.

  Dear Loves God,

  Thank you for responding to my E-mail right away. Sounds as though you’ve been through some tough times.

  Jess looked at the upper left hand corner of the screen. He’d posted the response at 1:20 A.M. She glanced at her watch. He’d sent it only ten minutes ago. Maybe the Lord had led her to check her mail.