Bent Not Broken (A Cedar Creek #1)

by Julia Goda

  “We’ll see,” was all he said to that as he took another pull of his beer. Macy was grinning so wide I thought her face was going to split in half. Her eyes were still puffy from all the crying, but now there was mischief in them that I couldn’t help but be wary about. “Mace, you said you understand. I need your help!”

  “Honey, I do understand. I absolutely do,” she took my hand again in hers and spoke softly. Her eyes had lost the sparkle and were serious on me. “My heart is breaking for you. Nobody should have to go through what you have endured. It’s awful and dark and painful. But, honey, you’ve got it all wrong. Look at you. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are caring and loyal and funny and spunky and real. Only a strong person could endure what you have and come out the other side. You didn’t let him beat you, Ivey. He didn’t win. You did. And you’re still shining bright. He tried to take that light away from you, but he failed. That light is you and nobody can take it away. You are a good woman, an angel. That’s exactly what a man like Cal sees and wants, and I agree with Larry. He will go after you until you are his. So I understand that you are scared. Everyone would be. It will take some time, but I know you will get there. And how I know that is because I know you. You are the strongest woman I have ever met, and I know that you will not let him take that dream of a happy ending away from you.”

  I was speechless. Silent tears were again wetting my cheeks, but for a different reason this time. Macy’s words were beautiful, even more beautiful than Betty’s.

  But that meant I was screwed.

  And that was not going to happen.

  Chapter Six

  Nightmares

  Ivey

  Nightmares are defined as terrifying dreams.

  Feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, and strong terror come to life in our dreams.

  That was not how I experienced them.

  I didn’t dream of monsters under my bed or something bad happening to a person I caredB about.

  My dreams were based on the truth.

  On experiences.

  On things I had seen or felt.

  And that made them that much more terrifying.

  They were vivid and horrifying.

  My throat would close up, making it impossible for me to breathe, impossible to scream.

  Panic.

  Panic so real I could taste it, smell it, feel it all around me.

  It would choke me, make my body break out in a sweat, my heart beating painfully in my chest.

  Then I would start thrashing, trying to get away.

  And knowing I couldn’t.

  Knowing I couldn’t escape.

  Knowing the pain would come.

  Knowing there was no hope.

  Chapter Seven

  Stalked

  Ivey

  I bolted upright in bed.

  My eyes were open wide in fear and panic.

  My body was covered in sweat and the blankets were twisted around my legs.

  Shit!

  I hadn’t had these dreams in a long time. I thought they had stopped for good, but apparently talking about everything last night had brought them back. I took a deep breath and ran my hands over my face, trying to come out of the dream. They were always the same, always left me with a sense of hopelessness and emptiness.

  Shower.

  I needed a shower. That would help dispel the dream.

  Then coffee.

  Then go home to change and get ready to face the day.

  I had stayed over at Macy’s house last night because I’d had too much to drink to make it home in one piece. But even if I had been sober, Macy wouldn’t have let me go. She wanted to keep and eye on me and make sure I was okay. She was worried that reliving my past would fuck with me and apparently, she had been right.

  After they had enlightened me about what to expect from Cal I had changed the subject and told them about my grandma, about how she tried to save me from my father, how, when I spent time with her, I could forget and relax. In the end it was her who saved me. When she died, I had been her sole beneficiary. She had left me a good amount of money that had it made possible for me to leave Boston.

  I never finished my degree. When Kyle had put me in the hospital I was depressed and hopeless. I had no strength left and had lost the grounds to believe anything good would ever happen to me.

  After a week in the hospital I was still covered in bruises. I knew I didn’t have it in me to go back to the apartment alone, so I went with a social worker to get the paperwork I would need and left everything else. I stayed at a hotel for a few days to come up with a plan and sort everything with the bank. Then I went to the nearest car dealership and bought a beat up old truck, stopped at the mall to get the essentials, and drove away from it all. My nana’s money was enough to keep me alive for a while. I drove for days, stopping at motels for the night, until I discovered Cedar Creek.

  I had stopped for lunch and ended up at Tom’s Diner. I immediately fell in love with the vibe of the place, with how people treated each other. The way Martha and Tom interacted had made me smile and that felt good. I decided to go for a walk and take a look around. I happened to walk past the then closed bookstore. I had always loved books. They gave me a chance to escape reality and live life through someone else’s eyes. But it was closed and looked like it had been for a while. I would know why when I walked past the local realtor’s office. They had an ad in the window about the bookstore being for lease. On a whim, I went in to inquire about it and walked out the new leaseholder. That’s all it took. I knew right then and there that this would be the place where I would settle. A nice place far enough away from the city. A new start in this sleepy, little tourist town in the Rocky Mountains was exactly what I needed. The next day Linda, the realtor, had taken me around to look at houses and I had found a home.

  The shower felt good. It helped wash away the dream, though I knew it would take me a while to completely shake it off.

  It was early. The house was quiet, so I assumed that everyone else was still asleep. I would go and start the coffee, fill up a travel mug, and head home. Let them sleep in.

  When I turned the corner into the kitchen, I was surprised to see Macy sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the window, enjoying a cup of coffee.

  “Morning, Mace. You’re up early.”

  “I always get up early. This is the only time during the day that is all mine,” she was smiling at me. She wasn’t complaining. She loved her life, loved being a wife and a mother.

  “I’ll just grab a cup and then I’ll be on my way. Leave you to your peace and quiet,” I said as I walked over to the coffee machine, grabbed a travel mug from the cupboard above it, and started pouring my coffee.

  “Ivey,” Macy called from behind me, “Come and sit for a minute.”

  Uh oh. I didn’t think I could manage another talking to, and by the tone in Macy’s voice, I could tell she had something important to say. Nevertheless, I couldn’t deny my best friend, who I knew was worried about me, so I took a seat beside her at the kitchen table.

  “Promise me something,” she started ominously. I didn’t have a good feeling about this. “Promise you what?” I asked, though I didn’t really want to know.

  “Promise me to be open and let what happens happen.”

  See? I knew I wouldn’t like what she had to say. I gave it a few moments before I replied.

  “Mace, I can’t promise you that. I’ll do my best to open up and let other people in, but I cannot promise you to let Cal in the way you want me to. I know that’s what you’re getting at.”

  “You’re right. That’s what I’m getting at. Just promise me to take small steps towards letting yourself live and enjoying the good things in life more instead of always thinking something bad will happen if you let go.” I sighed. Then I gave in.

  “Okay. Small steps. I can promise you that.”

  And I could. Taking a chance on a man would be a big step, so I wasn’t lying.

/>   “All right, honey. Love you.”

  “Love you too.” I got up and kissed the top of her head before I left and went home.

  *****

  This day was going to be very long. Business was dragging today, which gave me too much time to think and get lost in the memories. Dredging everything up last night combined with waking up in a cold sweat this morning, had set me off balance. It was going to be one of those days where everything went wrong.

  It started this morning when I got ready for work. I was standing in my closet and couldn’t decide what to wear. This annoyed me, because I would normally just grab the closest pair of clean jeans and a t-shirt and be on my way. But today, nothing I put on I liked. It either was the wrong colour or the wrong cut or it didn’t feel right.

  Very frustrating.

  With a pile of t-shirts at my feet I gave up and chose a simple three quarter sleeved see through black blouse with little white fox heads on it, put a light blue camisole under it, and deemed it good enough. My hair was still a little wet from my shower at Macy’s, but I left it the way it was. Blowing it out took forever, and I really wasn’t in the mood for it. So it got to do whatever it wanted today, which was being all wavy and wild and ending up in my face every few minutes.

  Also very frustrating.

  But trying to tackle my hair would not be successful in the state I was in. I knew that much.

  I had been running late due to my inability to get dressed, so I didn’t have enough time to make coffee or get breakfast, nor to stop at Lola’s to get something on the go.

  That was most frustrating.

  If there had ever been a day when I should not be let lose on the public without coffee, today was that day.

  Opening Serendipity, stupid little things kept happening that set me more on edge and made me feel unbalanced. First, I couldn’t find my keys and started getting mad at myself for having to go back up the mountain to retrieve them, when I thankfully found them hiding at the bottom of my purse. Second, I tripped over an invisible snag in the carpet and almost ended up on my hands and knees before I caught myself on a chair. Third, I couldn’t find the CD I had decided to put on in the hopes that the Black Stone Cherries would get me out of my funk. Not being successful in that endeavor, I decided on MuteMath, an excellent alternative band from New Orleans, whose energy you could feel coming through the speakers. Since I most definitely needed some help with my energy today, I thought it was a good pick.

  I was going through my upcoming book order on my computer, listening to Typical—a kickass song that always put me in a better mood—when the bell over the door announced a customer coming in. When I looked up from my screen to greet whoever had come in and saw who it was, I instantly looked up to the heavens and sighed a deep sigh.

  Great. Not sure I could deal with this right now.

  Cal and Tommy wandered into my store, both of them smiling, all four eyes on me.

  I got up off my little stool and waited for them at the counter. Tommy was carrying a carton of chocolate milk and a white bag with grease stains on it that emitted a delicious smell and made my stomach growl. I furrowed my brows at the reminder that I hadn’t had breakfast. Cal was carrying two white plastic cups that I could tell by its also delicious smell was coffee. I had a hard time taking my eyes off the cups, but managed when they arrived at the counter.

  “Morning, sunshine,” Cal greeted me. His eyes were amused and something else. What exactly, I didn’t have the energy to interpret. All I knew and cared about was that he was making fun of me by calling me sunshine when I knew I looked exactly like I felt.

  “Hey,” was all I replied snottily, trying to tell him with that one word that I was not happy to see him. This made him chuckle, which in return made me more grumpy, so I crossed my arms over my chest and narrowed my eyes on him to convey this feeling. In reaction to this, he threw back his head and burst out laughing.

  Really?

  I made a harrumphing sound and looked over to Tommy, who was grinning at me. “Can I help you with something?” I asked rudely. I really wasn’t on my game today and needed them gone.

  “Nope,” Tommy replied.

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  “Having breakfast with you,” this came from Cal.

  Tommy put his chocolate milk and the white bag on the counter and started unpacking it. My eyes went back to Cal. “I’m not having breakfast with you,” I was getting really annoyed now. I was starving and needed a coffee, but I couldn’t let Cal think that I was going to give in to him. If it was true what Larry and Macy said last night, I had to shut this down before it started.

  “You are,” Cal sounded determined and amused at the same time.

  “We brought you a breakfast sandwich from Tom’s with lots of bacon on it. Dad says it’s the best hangover food in the world,” Tommy enlightened me.

  He was right. It was the best hangover food in the world. But I didn’t share that with him. No way was I going to surrender, no matter how charming they were. Cal pushed one of the coffees towards me, and when the intense smell hit me, I almost gave in just to have one sip.

  Yes, I needed coffee that bad.

  Cal apparently could read my reaction, because he again started chuckling. I put my hands on my hips and leaned in to give him my super glare.

  There. That should do it.

  What I didn’t expect him to do was raise his hand to grab me by the side of my neck and pull me towards him until we were nose to nose. Now that I was that close, I could see what that was in his eyes.

  Heat.

  I gasped.

  “Baby, that attitude you’re handing out to try and get rid of us, just saying, it’s not working. It makes you hot as hell and I’m having a hard time controlling the urge to kiss you senseless,” Cal’s voice was low and growly.

  My eyes went wide and my body locked. I was drowning in his eyes. There was so much heat in them that I thought they would consume me. That heat combined with the words he said stunned me so completely that I missed the fact that he had called me baby.

  Holy. Hell.

  Cal held my eyes for a little while longer, then brushed his lips across my forehead and released me. I leaned back, gulped in some air, and gave in. It looked like the smarter play would be to let him feed me. Him kissing me senseless would do me no good. Thinking about him kissing me made a shiver run through my body.

  I snatched up my coffee and took a long sip to hide my body’s reaction. Then I looked at Tommy and held out my hand for my breakfast sandwich. He handed it over with a big smile on his face and said, “You’re welcome,” to which Cal laughed under his breath.

  Realizing I really had been too rude, I apologized to Tommy. “I apologize for being so ungrateful, Tommy. I’ve had a rough night and am out of sorts today, but that’s no excuse. Thank you for thinking of me and bringing me breakfast.”

  “You had a rough night?” Cal asked with concern in his voice.

  I had taken a bite of my sandwich and was savouring the flavour of eggs and bacon exploding in my mouth., which gave me a few seconds to decide how to answer his question. I didn’t want to give him too much information—I wanted him to back off, not give him more fodder to be interested in me—, so all I said was, “Couldn’t find sleep,” which was only a half-lie.

  “Why?” he kept interrogating me.

  “Don’t know. It happens sometimes.” Also not a lie.

  Cal stared at me quietly. I expected him to keep asking intruding questions, but thankfully he let it go, though I could tell that he really wanted to know what gave me sleepless nights.

  “Guess what we’re doing today?” This came from Tommy after neither Cal nor I had said anything for a few moments. He seemed very excited to share their plans with me. I turned my eyes to him, grateful for the subject change.

  “No clue,” I answered.

  “Guess!”

  “Going for a hike?”

  “Nope.”

 
; “Going to the movies?”

  “Nope. Keep guessing!”

  I thought for a while. My mood lifting thanks to the coffee and food and Tommy’s exuberance, I joined Tommy’s “Guess what?” game and tried to be funny. “Going on an expedition to Greece to research if the myth of the sunken city of Atlantis is really a myth?”

  Tommy laughed. Mission accomplished.

  “We’re going to a farm to pick a puppy!” He shared loudly. Yeah. He was excited. Which he should be. Everyone would be excited at the prospect of choosing a puppy. Hell, I was excited for him!

  “Wow! That’s great! I love puppies!” Both of them were looking at me, smirking.

  “What? Puppies are great!” I tried to explain my exuberance, which clearly outclassed Tommy’s.

  “Glad you think so, ‘cause it’s your puppy we’re picking.” Cal said.

  Wait. What?

  “Huh?” I asked them, confused. My head kept whipping back and forth between them, trying to decide if they were full of it.

  “We’re getting you a puppy,” Tommy repeated what his dad had said.

  “You’re getting me a puppy?” I was still confused.

  “Yup,” Tommy answered proudly.

  “Why would you do that?” I looked at Cal.

  “‘Cause you need one,” he responded.

  “I don’t need a puppy!”

  “Yeah. You do.”

  “Cal—”

  “Ivey, you need a dog. You live up the mountain by yourself with no protection. I’m assuming you don’t own a gun, so a dog is the next best thing,” Cal’s voice was firm.

  He assumed right. I didn’t own a gun. That didn’t mean I needed a dog for protection. I was perfectly fine.

  “Cal—,” I started again, but was again interrupted.

  “Remember what I said about that attitude?” That was a warning.

  I clamped my mouth shut, but glared at him. He glared back at me.

  Great. Now what did I do? I couldn’t serve up attitude or he would kiss me senseless and I couldn’t give in on this and let him buy me dog. I decided I needed more time to think about a plan of action, so I said nothing and just kept glaring at him.