How I Got Here

by Hannah Harvey

  My head started spinning and I remember dazedly getting to my feet, grabbing my bag from the floor but forgetting my jacket, I stumbled out of the door and into the cold, I heard him call after me but he doesn’t follow, not even as far as the front door.

  The entire trip back into the city, I was forcing back the tears, because this hadn’t been what I was expecting. I felt so alone. Outside the window of the bus the lights blurred together, my eyes had filled with tears, but I forced myself to keep a grip, clenching my fists so hard that I broke the skin.

  When I get home neither of my parents speak to me, except for a quick enquiry by my dad on how my day was, which he didn’t even look up from his paper for. I went right to my room and slammed the door shut, it has a lock on the inside, so I slid it into place, even though I knew that neither of them would come and check on me. I spent a large portion of the night, staring at my reflection in the full length mirror, and do you know what I saw? I saw what they had all been telling me was there, I saw a horrible, ugly, fat girl. I couldn’t take it; I needed to do something to keep myself thinking about it, I needed to control something.

  I stayed up for the best part of the night tearing my room apart, organizing everything until it follows a pattern, my books are arranged by author, my clothes by color, the pens on my desk are lined up in neat rows, everything has to remain in its place, and I can’t handle anything being moved, it becomes an obsession of mine.

  That’s when I started needing some sort of order around me, it’s when I began organizing everything, the doctors here tell me it’s a touch of OCD, I tell myself it was my way of coping with the disorder of my life.

  Chapter Six

  Session 3

  ‘Right,’ Oliver coughs to clear his throat, blinks a couple of times and then folds the letter, adding it to the small pile inside his messenger style bag. He wants to tell her that she’s perfect, that none of those people know what they are talking about; he wants to tell her that she isn’t fat and never was. Most of all he wants to make her see that she is beautiful and strong. Actually most of all he really wants to give Wade a piece of his mind. Common sense kicks in and he realizes he can’t do any of that. Telling her she is perfect wouldn’t help, she wouldn’t believe him, and she would just think that he was only saying it because he pitied her, and he didn’t, that wasn’t why he wanted to tell her how he saw her. Yelling at Wade may make him feel better, but it wouldn’t do anything to help her, but he thinks he might know what will.

  ‘What?’ She asks and he looks up at her confused, so she elaborates, ‘Right isn’t a complete sentence, I just figured there was something coming after it.’

  ‘Oh right sorry – I drifted off there a little.’ He stands up and goes around to the other side of her bed, looking around him cautiously; he starts to unhook her drip.

  ‘What are you doing?’ She lowers her voice to a whisper, even though there isn’t anyone near her room at the moment, she still feels it best to be on the safe side.

  ‘I thought you wanted to go to the park.’ He’s so casual about it that it catches her off guard, he’s speaking as though this is a normal situation, just a guy taking a girl for a walk in the park, but it isn’t, there isn’t anything normal about this situation.

  ‘You’ve been saying no for the past week, you said that it was too risky, that you could get into trouble, you said you were worried about me going out.’

  ‘I changed my mind.’ He keeps his tone level, carrying off the same casualness that he started with, even though his heart is racing, and a million emotions are crashing through him.

  ‘Is this because of what I wrote?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then it’s because of how my brother treated me, or because of how I reacted to everything by becoming obsessive, or if it’s not any of that then it must be because you feel sorry for me.’

  ‘No, it’s because keeping you locked up in here isn’t going to do you any good, it’s because you want to go, it’s because I want to take you there, and most of all – it’s because you asked me to take you, and I can’t say no anymore.’ He clears his throat again, ‘Now come on, before I come to my senses.’

  He helps her get to her feet, knowing that she is still a little weak. The black floral dress she’s wearing hangs down to just below her knees, but it’s loose on her and so it swishes around her frame as she moves. He checks that the coast is clear then they walk out of the ward together, keeping their distance, Oliver walking a good ten steps in front of River, only looking back over his shoulder now and then to give her a small smile. Once they make it out to the street he takes her hand, leading her to the parking lot, he helps her into his car, and then without hesitation he pulls away from the hospital.

  ‘I can’t believe I’m really outside.’ River smiles a real smile, that lights up her whole face, Oliver finds himself wishing he’d broken her out sooner, even though it could jeopardize his career, he doesn’t care as long as he can help her healing process, as long as he can see her smile like that.

  River rolls down her window and lets the air brush her skin, closing her eyes she watches the colors float around beneath her eyelids, as the sun shines down on her face and the city rushes past. It’s a mixture of familiar sounds and smells; the hum of traffic, the constant drone of conversation, street vendors selling their goods, business people rushing around between meetings, tourists exclaiming wildly over the sights; the smell of street stall food, mixing in some strange effortless way with the trees and flowers dotted in the park on one side of them, and in a few planters in front of some of the buildings.

  ‘I’m sorry that I kept saying no, I should have agreed right away, I knew how much you needed to get out of that place, I was stupid to refuse.’ Oliver says as he pulls onto a new street, now coming closer to the right entrance.

  ‘That’s ok you were just being cautious; you probably shouldn’t be doing his.’ Her eyes snap open and she turns to him, ‘I won’t get you in trouble will I? I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble.’

  ‘Don’t worry about me.’ He shrugs his shoulders slightly.

  ‘Why shouldn’t I? I’m getting a little sick of you always worrying about me; it’s kind of nice to turn the tables once in a while.’

  ‘It’s my job to worry about you.’ They continue in silence for a while, him going over the contents of her last letter, wondering how to bring it up, wondering if he should even attempt to bring it up. While River was worrying that she was going to get him fired, and realizing that she didn’t want him to leave, because she’d bonded with him, because he was the first person in that hospital who actually genuinely cared about her. Sure the other doctors were kind and at first they’d been attentive, but she knew that they were only doing it because it was their job, and she couldn’t blame them for that. It was just that Oliver may claim that it’s his job to care, but she knows that he really does worry about her, he does care what happens to her, and so if he were to get fired, she isn’t sure what she would do.

  He parks the car sometime later, getting out and opening her door for her, she steps out but hesitates for a few seconds before stepping away from the car. It feels strange to her being outside again, she hasn’t stepped outside the hospital for months, not even to go down to the entrance and get some air, if she needed some fresh air, she’d just open up the window.

  She hadn’t had many visitors in the hospital either, other than her parents nobody came in except staff, so now being out and around this many people, she’s starting to feel anxious. She panics when people touch her, even if it’s just brushing past her she gets anxious, starts to panic. She knows that once she’s at the pond she’ll be fine, because it’s so secluded there, it’ll just be her and Oliver, and she can cope with that.

  Oliver knows that he needs to distract her, and he also knows that she doesn’t panic when he touches her, it took some time to build up that trust, but now she is comfortable around him, she knows that he won’t hurt h
er. So very gently he takes her hand, lacing his fingers through hers and starts to walk, she follows keeping close to his side as they walk through the park. At some point they switch and she is leading the way, gently tugging his hand in the direction they need to go, her silent communication that he understands.

  ‘So my sister has been cooking healthy food all week, I am seriously starting to miss take-out, there is this little Thai place I used to go to, it’s about ten blocks from the hospital, so I usually stop there on the way home from work, but she’s got me eating tofu and vegetables that I’ve never heard of, yesterday she actually let us go out to dinner, but she took us to some vegan place off Broadway!’ Oliver rambled on, trying to relax her, but the crowds in the park have started to panic her, and she grips his hand noticeably tighter. They keep walking at a quick pace, and she indicates for him to keep talking. ‘My niece seems to love the food, but I’m wondering if it’s because she’s never tried junk food, not that I would recommend junk food of course, because as a doctor that would be wrong of me, however I think a good dose of chocolate is healthy.’

  ‘Buy a bracelet miss?’ A man comes up to them, pointing to his stall of homemade bracelets at the side of the path, he takes River’s hand and tries to slip a bracelet on her wrist, she snatches her arm away quickly, pulling her hand away from Oliver’s and backs away, her eyes wide and wild, full of fear. She trips into someone as she backs away from the man, the woman she knocked into puts her hand on River’s arm, trying to steady her, but it only serves to panic River even more. He starts shouting, pulling back and wrapping her arms around herself, tears forming in her eyes, she can’t control it, the fear is irrational but it’s taking her over.

  ‘Stay back, don’t touch me!’ River keeps on repeating the same thing over and over, saying it loudly to herself and those around her, trying to get them to understand, even though they all just look at her like she’s crazy. Oliver pushes through the baffled crowds, all of whom are staring at the young girl, who is hugging herself and screaming hysterically. There are whispered words around the crowd, people trying to work out what happened, asking if someone had hurt her, if she’d been mugged, and the man with the bracelets loudly defending his actions, to whoever would listen to his words of protest against River’s reaction.

  ‘I did nothing to her! I asked her to buy a bracelet, that’s it!’ He says to a small group who are listening to him, rather than staring at River.

  Oliver reaches her, holding his hands up in front of him, reassuring her that he’s not going to touch her.

  ‘River its ok, nobody’s going to hurt you, that man didn’t mean any harm.’ He edges closer, she raises her eyes and stops screaming, focusing on him and trying to block everyone else out.

  ‘I’m sorry, Oliver I’m so sorry.’ She pulls her arms away from herself, but still doesn’t move towards him, she’s still anxious about the crowds of people, watching her with curiosity, passing on their version of the story to newly arriving people.

  ‘Hey don’t worry about it ok,’ He takes a half step towards her, ‘Do you want to go back?’

  ‘No!’ She shakes her head violently, her breath coming out in ragged gasps; he nods to show his understanding.

  ‘Ok we’ll keep going then, you’re ok.’ He closes the gap between them, and she wraps her arms around him, allowing him to make her feel safe again. Gently he leads her through the crowd.

  ‘Your girlfriend is mental.’ Someone from the crowd shouts, River tenses up in his arms.

  ‘Back off.’ Oliver glares at him, pulling River through the crowd a little quicker; he lets her silently guide him again, until they finally reach the secluded pond. She was right; the place is so quiet that he can hardly believe he’s still in New York. She relaxed instantly and untangles herself from his protective embrace.

  ‘This place,’ she looks around, stepping through the long grass, scattered with various flowers, and tilts her head up to look at the white clouds passing over her head, ‘it’s one of those places that just feels so calming,’ she turns to look at him, ‘I’m sorry – about what happened just now, sometimes I just can’t seem to control it, I get really panicked and then it’s like I can’t see straight, I can’t calm myself down.’

  ‘That’s ok, there’s no need to explain.’ He shrugs it off, walking down the small slope. They both sit alongside the pond, stretching their legs out in front of them, until their now bare feet touch the water.

  ‘I will be though – explaining I mean – because it’s all connected in some way, I didn’t even realize it at first but then you got me writing and suddenly, all the things I thought were unconnected, they seem to easily click together, so you will find out what happened. You’ll find out why I don’t like people coming near me, it just might take some time to get there.’

  ‘Take as long as you need, you never need to feel pressured around me, if you ever want to stop, take a break from writing for a while, then tell me and I won’t push it.’

  ‘I know you won’t.’ She lays her head back on the grass, closing her eyes against the glare of the sun and steadies her breathing, and then tilts her head to look at him. Oliver is leaning back on his elbows, keeping the top of his body off the ground, but his head is turned to her, so he sees the tears in her eyes.

  ‘I almost drowned last winter, not long before I came into the hospital. I’ve never told anyone that before, I’ve never spoken to any of the psychiatrists about it.’ She lays her head back down, ‘I feel safe telling you.’

  Chapter Seven

  Letter 4

  I don’t really know what it was that made me do it, but a week after I visited my brother’s house, I found myself walking into a local gym. It was a large modern building, all white and shiny on the outside, with chrome fixtures and huge windows. The inside was light and airy, decorated with bright stripes of color along the white walls. There were fake plants in the lobby, and a huge chrome reception desk. The reception area was set on a balcony, which also held a café and a spa which gave beauty treatments, behind the desk there was a railing which ran round the entire balcony, looking down into the large fully equipped gym.

  They offered a yearly membership package, and for some reason which I still don’t understand, I decided to break into my savings and buy it. I had been saving up for a while for a trip I’d wanted to take to Europe, I was going to go the summer between graduation and college, and where am I instead? Sitting in a hospital bed every day with doctors and nurses shaking their heads, all giving up on untangling the mess that I’ve become, at least everyone apart from you has given up.

  This however is beside the point, the point is that I spent a bunch of my savings on the membership, and I joined some classes. Because as well as offering access to their gym equipment twenty four hours a day seven days a week, something they were very proud about and announced a lot – apparently they don’t realize that this is the city that never sleeps, and they aren’t the only gym to open all night – they also offered a wide range of trainer led sessions. A seemingly endless list of classes that you could pick from, when you sign up they give you the full list, and I spent ages sitting in their café – a vegan café! Which only sold vegan food, and water with various things added to it, lime water, lemon water, cucumber water, I once saw someone with mint water, but I never tried that one, lemon was my favorite, which is beside the point, again – anyway I was just sitting there and pouring over the list, tucked away in the corner, at a table that had two chairs, one for me and one for my bag, and I went through the list from top to bottom, circling anything that looked good and I wanted to try.

  Maybe I was trying to find a place for myself, school wasn’t a good place for me anymore, I think we can all agree on that, home wasn’t a good place for me to be either, and so I needed a space that I could be comfortable in.

  I had enjoyed running on a team at school, until everyone turned against me, and now I found myself missing being part of a team or a group. I misse
d the buzz of working out. Sure I was still running every day, even though it was freezing cold outside, I would still go running. Yet I had started to realize that when you run in the streets of New York, people just think that you’re either running away from something, or late for something. Maybe I was running away from something, my life perhaps. I sometimes went running in the park, a much more acceptable place for running, but it still didn’t feel the same as participating in something; I wanted to go to a group where everyone was doing the same thing, where I could talk to people, and forget for a little while how miserable I was.

  I put together a plan for myself, and so this is how my week now looked; Monday I would go to school in the mornings, I would leave by lunchtime and head to the gym for a workout. Tuesday I would go to school all day, head to the gym afterwards for a dance class, and then run home. Wednesday I would skip school entirely, go swimming in the morning and then into the gym for a workout, I’d then go into an aerobics class. Thursday it was back to school all day, after which I would go for a run in the park. Friday I would go to school in the morning, then I had another dance class in the afternoon, after that would be a spin class, then I’d work out in the gym for an hour or so. Saturday I’d spend my morning riding the subway, then in the afternoon I would take a Pilates class and then go swimming. Sunday I let myself sleep in late; it was the only day that I didn’t go to the gym , instead once I was up I would head out and wander the city, just taking photos and trying to convince myself I was ok.

  I have this huge collection of photos from that time. I became fascinated with old buildings, streets in different lighting, people rushing around in their busy lives. It became my favorite distraction, losing myself in finding a perfect image. I would travel around the whole city, snapping shots of busy designer shops on the Upper East Side, and then fire hydrants in Harlem, or kids sledging on the snowy roads in The Bronx. Anything could become a beautiful image in my mind, the sleek clean buildings, to the poverty worn streets. I set out to see everything there was to see in New York. I’d go round all the tourist spots for a few weeks. Then I’d switch and start taking random turns, getting off at random stops, or hopping on a passing bus, just to see where I’d end up.