Does she really think she looks better now? She can try as hard as she likes, but she’ll always look like a fat cheater. I hope her dress comes with a bag to cover her face.
Under the picture and the caption was a comment box, flooded with comments agreeing with their statement, and trashing other things about my appearance and my personality, people still hadn’t gotten over my grades being changed, I was actually surprised none of them had mentioned it to their parents, I suppose they wanted to punish me for it themselves.
I felt the sting of hot tears in my eyes; I slammed the laptop shut, and pushing it away from me like it had become violently hot. Suddenly everything I’d felt good about all day, was rapidly slipping away and I was being pulled back down.
My first reaction once I had calmed down a little was to call Jasper and tell him I couldn’t come to the dance after all, but wouldn’t that be letting them win? I didn’t want them to see how much they could control me; I wanted to prove to them their words couldn’t hurt me. I wanted to prove that I wouldn’t let them define me or my actions, and yet instead of putting it all behind me, brushing it off and going to sleep, I did let their words define my actions. I got up and paced the room up and down, counting to one hundred over and over again, and each time I reached one hundred, I would sit on my bed, open my laptop and read new messages, and then I would repeat the process. This went on until finally at a little after four in the morning; I fell asleep on my bedroom floor.
I woke up on the day of the dance with a terrible headache, worse than I had ever experienced before, I put it down to the fact that I wasn’t sleeping well, because for the last few nights I had ended up sleeping on the floor, which is not an ideal place to sleep, I’m sure that you’d agree with that.
When I got up I felt dizzy, I wasn’t sure why but I had a sudden panic that I would fall, I tried to control my breathing, and after a few minutes I began to relax, but my head was still throbbing. I decided that I needed to clear my head, so I quickly changed into my running gear, and headed out into the streets, I was craving the icy chill in the air, so when I started running I didn’t care that the cold air hurt, as I breathed it in there was a sharp pain in my lungs, but I pushed through it and kept running, until finally the sharp wind didn’t burn my face, and the icy air I was breathing didn’t burn my lungs, because I couldn’t feel it, all I could feel was the burning in my legs as I ran faster. I kept telling myself that if I just ran a little further, went a little faster, that I could leave everything behind, all the messages, all the comments and looks in the halls, I could run away from it all, because if I just pushed a little bit further I might disappear altogether.
I was good at being invisible at times, because I know I’ve mentioned before that the whole school turned against me, but that statement is a little unfair, at the time it felt like each and every last girl in the school, had a personal hatred for me, because they’d been told to hate me by the ever popular Kim, or because they felt it was a huge injustice that my grades had been changed, while they had to work for their own grades. It felt as if they were all out to get me, because there were a huge amount of girls at my school who were sending me messages, tormenting me in the halls, or doing something to tear me down bit by bit, but I can see now that to say it was all of them, wouldn’t be the entirely honest truth, and I want to give you the whole truth. There were some who didn’t participate in the bullying; they just didn’t notice it was happening, to them I was just another student, nothing special, nobody.
Maybe they were just trying to get through school themselves; maybe they thought it was better me than them; and possibly that’s an unfair assessment, because maybe they just really didn’t see what was going on. I was just one student slowly unraveling, and who would notice that? In the scheme of things I wasn’t all that much.
I got home two hours before the dance was due to start; neither of my parents were home so I just hopped straight in the shower, and started getting ready for the dance, because however bad I was feeling, I wasn’t about to let Jasper down. I shouldn’t have worried so much about him; he certainly wasn’t worrying about me.
I’m wondering if you’ve guessed by now, I’ll probably be on edge watching you read this one, I hope that we’re up on the roof again, then maybe I can get lost watching the people rush below, because what happens next makes me feel so stupid, in more ways than one, but ultimately I was stupid because I believed I could trust him.
Mistakes, we all make them at one point or another, but I think I made a big one that night, because the truth is you can’t trust people, I made the mistake of trusting him and it backfired. I’m wondering if trust itself is a mistaken emotion, perhaps you can’t ever really trust anyone, and that scares me.
I’m scared Oliver, not because I’m about to tell you what happened at the dance, but because at the moment I’m finding myself trusting you, and I can’t quite figure out if that’s a good thing or not, I know that it scares me so maybe it’s a bad thing. I don’t want you to scare me, and if I’m honest I don’t think it’s you that scares me, it’s more how I feel when I’m around you, that crazy feeling like I can tell you anything, like I can be completely myself, like you know me inside and out. That scares me. I scare myself, even though I’m almost certain you would never hurt me, not intentionally, I’m still scared of getting too close. Maybe you are too. I’ve always felt that way really, afraid of getting too close to anyone, even before things started getting bad for me, I think I’ve always been a little more reserved, less willing to take chances than some people. I know that I got a lot worse after the bullying started; I pulled away from people and didn’t want them near me. Now I’m letting you in and that makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I just wanted you to know that, know that this isn’t something I’m doing lightly, telling you all of this is really hard for me.
Shall we get back to the story though? Because I think you’ll want to know what happened, because the story with Jasper isn’t over yet. I wish so much that it was, that I just decided to cancel at the last minute, or stand him up or something, but I didn’t.
We had agreed that we would meet at the dance, and to say that I was a little nervous as I walked into the building alone, would have been a huge understatement, I was petrified of how people would act around me, would they ruin this for me, like they’d ruined school? Every little detail that could go wrong was causing me to panic, making me want to turn and run, get back home and just close the door and stay put in my bedroom, but there was something, I have no idea what, powering me on, so with every bit of strength I had left, I walked into then prettily decorated room, to face whatever came next.
As I walked in I immediately spotted Jasper, he was standing at the refreshment table, holding a drink and smiling casually at a friend of his, he looked like he was having a good time already. He hadn’t seen me so I took a deep breath and walked over to him, painfully aware that several of the students in the room were staring at me, yet somehow I didn’t realize until I looked back on that night, that everyone had fallen eerily silent when I walked in, no conversations could be heard above the hum of the music, they were all watching in anticipation, and the only sound was the strumming of the band of stage. By now Jasper had spotted me, he caught my eye as I was approaching, and instead of the lazy smile that had been there seconds before, I received a cruel smirk, a laughing sneering smirk.
‘Wow, I cannot believe you actually came!’ His first words to me were spoken with mock surprise, he’d widened his eyes and was looking round him, laughing, like there was some big joke that everyone was in on, everyone except me. He slowly looked back at me with a raised eyebrow and a crooked smile on his face. I felt uneasy right away, but I still hadn’t put it all together, I thought maybe my earlier resistance to attend had left him with doubts, that maybe he thought I would stand him up. So instead of turning and leaving, before things could explode, I kept walking and closed the distance between us, smiling nervously.
>
‘I said I’d come, so here I am.’ I struggled to make my voice sound normal, my nerves were fried, leaving me feeling at a loss at how to act normal, so I forced out the words, even though I was starting to feel like I was walking into a track. There’s something to be said for gut feelings, if I had listened to mine I would have left, I should remember that in future.
‘No,’ Again he laughs like I’m missing the point, ‘I meant I can’t believe you actually believed that I wanted to come with you, I mean I knew I was a good actor, I just didn’t know I was that convincing.’ He was full on laughing now, a sneering laugh that chilled me right away, even thinking about it now I feel that sick twist in my stomach. I instinctively drew back from him and his friends, who were watching the exchange with amusement. Tears were stinging my eyes, but I was clinging to the last strands of my pride, so I wouldn’t let them see me cry, I couldn’t let them see how weak I’d become.
‘W-what do you mean?’ I stumbled over my words, feeling a wave of disbelief crash over me, like a physical wave of water that was knocking me off balance; I was struggling to maintain my composure.
‘I mean when you really think about it, why would a guy like me, ever chose willingly to come to a dance, with a girl like you. You’re a freak River, I mean just look at you.’ He shakes his head and grins at his buddy, then moves forward and pulls the ends of my short spiked hair, ‘You’re a mess, I thought you’d realize this was a joke. Seriously I can’t believe you thought for a second I honestly wanted to come with you.’
My cheeks were burning with humiliation; it was coursing through my body, paralyzing me. Tears were stinging my eyes, and blurring my vision until the room swam, and to make matters worse, as I turned around to look at the room we were standing in, I was faced with a collection of laughing faces, and of course the inevitable digital capturing of my humiliation, which would undoubtedly surface of the internet within minutes. I was numb as I stood there tears threatening to fall, people calling out insults, laughing at me like I was some comedy act. It wasn’t over though, there was more to come.
You see trusting Jasper was my first mistake of the night, because in hindsight I should have realized it would end in disaster, I should have known that the boys school we were twinned with, would have heard about my mother changing my grades, and the fact that I had become a social outcast, I should have seen it coming, but I hadn’t and now I was paying the price. I had once again been publically ridiculed, and all I could do was watch as they laughed.
The second mistake of the night came in the form of a pretty blonde girl, and a petite red head; Emma and Rose. The two girls who had been my closest friends, and then turned cruelly against me, rushed up to me one on either side of me, taking an arm each and pulling me from the room, me stumbling slightly because my legs weren’t quite working yet. They took me out into the locker lined hall, which was empty besides the three of us, but we could still hear the music from inside, as the party returned to normal.
‘Are you ok?’ Emma spoke first, the concern in her voice felt so comforting to me, but I was still on edge from what had just happened, so I pulled away from their loose grip, but I didn’t make a move to leave.
‘Do you really care?’ I snapped back with more strength than I knew I had, wanting them both to realize how much they’d hurt me.
‘Of course we care, River listen we’re so sorry, we never meant to hurt you but Kim tricked us, she told us all this stuff and then when your mom was changing your grades – we were just angry but we never should have taken it out on you, we should have stood up for you, you’re our friend.’ Rosie spoke this time, taking my arm again and this time I didn’t pull away. I think I needed to feel their comfort; I’d needed their friendship so much recently, to deal with everything that was getting beyond me. I always thought that if they’d been by my side, I would have been able to cope with anything.
‘Why now?’ I was starting to cave and they knew it, but I wasn’t willing to give up so readily, I still had doubts.
‘What he just did to you in there, it was so uncalled for, we just want to be friends again River, we’ve been stupid and we’re sorry, can you forgive us?’ Emma begged her eyes wide and her voice filled with honest desperation, not one hint of insincerity. She should be an actress, they both should, because their performance in that empty hall was faultless, and I fell for it.
I let them lead me back into the dance, because they said I needed to make a stand, show everyone I wasn’t afraid of them. They sat with me all night, talking and catching up, apologizing over and over for acting how they did, and fighting off anyone who came up to me with nasty words, or cruel jokes, they’d stand around me and protect me, and they’d bring me drinks. That should have tipped me off right away, I mean we’re all warned about it aren’t we, accepting drinks from people, we’re warned to be careful what we drink at parties. I didn’t realize that you had to watch out for your supposed friends, at a supervised school dance, but apparently you do, or at least I did. I know I keep saying this in these letters, but I should have realized what was going on, because with each glass of orange juice they handed me, I became a little fuzzier, things started to blur together in a mix of colors and sounds, I staggered as I tried to walk, words seemed to hold no meaning anymore, not my own or anyone else’s, and eventually I couldn’t even make sense of what was happening.
I woke up the next morning on a bench in central park, freezing cold because there was a thick layer of snow on the ground; it felt like winter was lasting especially long that year. All I had over me was someone else’s coat, it wasn’t one I recognized, and I could say definitively that it didn’t belong to anyone at the dance, because it was a large brown coat, which was obviously old and had been patched up a few times. I figured that at some point in the night, someone had taken pity on me and put the coat across me, I was glad that they had or I would have been far worse off. I laid there staring at the white and gray blanketed sky, little flakes of snow drifting down onto me. I took several long deep breaths, trying to clear my head. I could hardly remember what had happened the night before, but as I lay there staring into the clouds; it started to come back to me.
Emma and Rosie had been bringing me drinks all night, which must have been spiked with alcohol, because although I had never had a hangover before, I could imagine that this is what it would feel like. I remembered vaguely them pulling me into a car, which was being driven by Kim, who had driven away from the school at a high speed. They’d walked me through the park, I remember stumbling a few times, before they’d dropped me onto a bench, and then there was a black pen, I remembered a black pen. It took several more minutes for me to remember what significance this had, and then I remembered feeling the pen against my arm. At this point I sat upright quickly, a little too quickly and my head started to spin wildly, my mouth felt dry and fuzzy, and I could feel my stomach churning as if I might vomit at any second. I took a few breaths to steady myself, to try and ease the pounding in my head. Then as the symptoms start to dull themselves to manageable levels, I let my eyes flutter open again, and I looked down at my arm. Written all over them in black ink were words; ugly, stupid, weird, cheater, foolish, freak, fat; word after word depicting what they thought of me, written all over both of my arms, thick black lines on my pale white skin.
I didn’t even realize I was crying until the tears hit the palms of my hands. I needed to get home; I needed to be safe and warm. I wanted to close myself in my room and try and forget the night before. I got up and started to run, a task harder than ever before because of the ball gown, the heels and the never ending thumping in my head. I had to stop once on the way home, leaning heavily against the rim of a trash can while I vomited into it. Then I pulled the strangers jacket tightly around myself and ran the rest of the way home. By the time I got there I was in agony, my head, my legs, my feet, they were all screaming in pain. I went inside and ran straight past my parents, making sure to keep the jacket sleeves pulle
d over my hands, so that they couldn’t see the ugly words scribbled across my skin.
‘Did you have a good time at Emma’s house?’ My mom asks looking up briefly from her magazine, not long enough to notice my tear stained face. I paused briefly at the bottom of the stairs in our apartment, keeping my eyes on my bedroom door at the top of the staircase. Even though neither of them were watching me, I kept my head turned away from them, aware that my eyes were probably rimmed with read, and that I would have makeup streaked down my face, and of course I probably looked half frozen, because that’s exactly what I was. I was stunned that Emma had actually called my parents, creating the lie that I was staying at her house, while instead of a nice cozy slumber party, they’d left me passed out on a bench, in the snow in central park. I wanted to scream and shout, I wanted to yell and cry and tear the room apart, I wanted to tell them what had happened, to rip the jacket off and show them the words across my skin. Instead I choked out an answer which was indecipherable, then ran up the stairs into my room, then through to my bathroom, jumping into the shower and turning the heat up, not even bothering to take my dress off, just standing under the boiling stream of water, with the shower radio turned up as loud as it would go, blocking out the sound of the sobs that were racking my body, as I scrubbed the skin on my arms until it was bright red.
How I Got Here Page 8