Then I sat down under the stream of boiling water, pulled my knees to my chest, dropped my head onto my knees and sat there crying, until I felt nothing at all.
Chapter Ten
Session 5
River was standing at the railings on the roof as he finished her letter, he felt the familiar hot flash of anger, that he felt so often when reading about what had happened to her, it ran through him quickly, he wanted to find these people and make them see what they had done, make them realize that anything could have happened to her, being left alone and passed out on a bench, in New York! She could have died that night, and he wonders if that thought had ever occurred to her. As he watches her carefully, he has an overwhelming need to protect her, the thought of her huddled under the stream of water, crying in the ball gown she’d loved so much, until she felt numb, left him wanting to hit something, he couldn’t stand it, the very thought of her being hurt like that was tearing him apart, stinging his eyes with angry tears.
He stands up and puts the pages inside his bag, then silently he walks to her and wraps his arms around her waist, she lets out a steady breath before she leans her head back against him, and it’s only when she does this that he notices she’d been crying.
‘Did you ever tell anyone what happened?’ His words come out choked with ranged emotions; anger, sadness, sympathy, and weakness, feeling like he can’t do enough to help her. He clears his throat and speaks again, ‘your parents or someone else you felt you could trust?’
‘No I didn’t, I couldn’t tell my parents because I was so afraid that they’d think it was my fault, that they’d be disappointed in me for going to the dance, when I knew what all those kids had been acting like, and my mother was finally proud of me, I thought that if she saw what everyone at school thought of me, then she’d wish she had a normal daughter, one who could get good grades without help, stay thin, and make friends that she could keep. She was always popular in school, she used to tell me all these stories about her school experience, she was one of the it girls, and that’s what she wanted for me, I could see it in the way she looked at me, and so I didn’t feel like I could turn to my parents. As for anyone else, I really didn’t have anyone that I felt I could trust.’ She pauses and closes her eyes, ‘Until now.’
His grip tightens the slightest bit around her tiny waist, silently showing her that he was there for her, and wouldn’t even let her down, trying to make her see she could count on him entirely. He thinks back to the words she’d written to him, saying that she was scared of getting too close to him, she was so afraid of being hurt and he couldn’t blame her, after what she’d been through she had a right to feel that way, trust issues were normal, but he didn’t want her to feel like that, not around him.
‘You know I’m not going anywhere right?’ He asks so quietly, that if he hadn’t spoken the words almost directly into her ear, she may not have heard them at all, but she did hear the emotionally charged words, and in response she places her hands over his arms.
‘I know.’ She feels the words buzzing around her, his promise that he’ll not leave her, the desperation for her to understand in his voice, willing her to see that he wouldn’t let her down, that there was no way he would ever break her trust. In that moment it all slipped away from her, everything she’d been through and faced alone, all the hurt and upset she’d been through, in those few seconds standing there with him, she felt a wave of calm wash over her, creating a bubble of safety which she was in the center of, and she knew that he would always protect her. ‘You know what isn’t fair though.’ She adds as she spins around in his arms so she’s facing him.
‘What’s that?’ He knows that he should let go of her, put his arms back to his sides and take a decent step backwards, but he doesn’t move an inch and neither does she, because there is something about her calm smile that paralyses him.
‘You’re learning everything about me, stuff that I’ve never told anyone before, you know me better than anyone in my life, and you probably know me better than I know myself, which is scary. My point is that you know me really well, but I know very little about you and your life.’ She offers him a laughing smile, and unspoken challenge, is he willing to let her know him? Is he really there for her as more than a doctor? Because a doctor would keep his distance, they’d expect to know all about their patient, but reveal very little or nothing about themselves, that’s how they kept things clinical. She held his gaze steadily and waited for his response. Despite her laugh, her smile and the easy tone she’d spoken with, he sees the anxiety in her eyes, feels the importance of this moment and he knows what his answer should be, but he also knows exactly what he’s going to say, because it’s what she needs to hear, and it’s what he wants to say. So he drops his arms from her waist, then he takes her hand and they sit opposite each other on the blanket.
‘Ask me anything and I promise I’ll give you a truthful answer.’ He sees the anxiety float away from her, leaving her eyes soft and calm as they look at him, leaving no trace that she was ever anxious. He’s passed her test and he knows that’s why she’s now relaxed.
‘Really, I can ask anything?’ She debates this for a moment, then smiles signaling she is ready to begin. ‘Where did you grow up?’
‘California, my parents owned a farm near the coast, they moved east when they decided the farm was too much for them.’
‘Did you have a good childhood?’
‘For the most part yes, there were some tough times as well, but I loved the farm and my parents were great, so yeah I had a happy childhood.’
‘What made you come east for college?’
‘When I was sixteen I was offered early admission, to a really good college, so I discussed it with my parents, and we all decided that it was worth accepting.’ He replies readily.
‘You went to college at sixteen!’ Her eyes widen and her voice rises slightly.
‘That’s not so much a question, as restating what I just said.’ He teases, ‘But I’ll answer anyway. Yeah I went to college at sixteen, pre-med at college which I finished when I was twenty, then four years of med school in Chicago, and that brings me to today, the twenty-four year old doctor, who sometimes feels like he’s too young to be qualified, especially when I am commonly called – the baby doctor, which to be fair a lot of people just take to mean that I work in pediatrics, so that’s not so bad.’
‘Wow.’ She smiles in admiration, ‘Ok so let me think, oh ok what made you move to New York?’
‘A job offer, one of my professors from college recommended me for this position, and I’d always loved the thought of living in New York, my parents had move to Connecticut by then, so it was close to my family, it just seemed like a great option.’
‘Do you ever regret it?’ He knows this is more than a question about his move to New York, like so much of what she says it has hidden meaning. She’s asking him if he regrets taking on her case.
‘Not for a second.’ His answer is quick and his tone is unwavering.
‘Ok – well,’ she’s smiling shyly now looking down at her hands, ‘well I know that you’ve got an older sister Amanda, because you told me she’s staying with you at the moment, but do you have any other siblings?’
‘I have an older brother Tim, he’s twenty six and lives in San Francisco working as an architect, and I had another older brother Carter, he would have been twenty-eight, a year younger than my sister.’
‘What happened?’ River puts her hand over his, sensing that this is hard for him to talk about.
‘He was in a car accident when he was nineteen, there was a fault with his car, the brakes failed and he couldn’t stop the car.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ She squeezes his hand and they fall into silence, neither of them moving for a few minutes.
‘Next question,’ from the tightness in his voice she knows he wants to move on.
‘Did you always want to be a doctor?’
‘No,’ he laughs slightly, ‘when I w
as a kid I wanted to be a pilot, I even took lessons and got my license for small planes.’
‘Why did you change your mind?’
‘I found that I enjoyed flying as a hobby, but I couldn’t ever imagine doing it for a career. I mean pilots are on the move all the time, flying around the world, never in one place for long, and I wanted the chance to settle down, have a home and stability, and put down some decent roots. Maybe it was the way I was brought up, because I always had that stable family environment. I always wanted to be able to meet someone, get married and start a life together, and that wouldn’t have been so easy, if I was constantly flying off to some new place.’
‘So why chose medicine? There are so many career paths, but at sixteen you chose to study pre-med, that’s pretty young to have it all figured out.’
‘I was very mature,’ he smirks, ‘no in honesty I actually picked medicine before getting my pilots license. I’d been looking at different career routes, but I kept being drawn back to medicine, I knew that I could do the most good there, and that’s all I really wanted.’
‘Ah the classic I wanted to help people line.’ She pokes him with her finger, ‘Very cliché.’
‘It’s only a cliché because it’s often true.’
‘Which is also a cliché’ she counters.
‘That’s because it’s true.’
‘And the circle never ends.’ She laughs. ‘Right so I know a bit about your family, I know you’re freakishly smart, I know why you chose medicine and where you grew up – what else?’ She thinks about it for a moment, and then raises her eyes to meet his, ‘Have you ever been in love?’
‘Whoa ok no warning that we’re jumping into personal stuff.’
‘You don’t have to answer.’
‘I promised you the complete truth, that’s what you’re getting.’ He smiles to let her know he isn’t angry at her question, ‘No – I haven’t ever been in love.’
‘But you’ve dated before?’
‘Yeah, once in college, there was a girl called Amber, she was a history major and we started dating, when I was in my final year, she was nineteen and we dated for three months.’
‘But you never fell in love with her?’
‘No I didn’t, we weren’t really that well matched, she was a very strong character, she never wanted to admit that she was wrong, even when she was, and to be honest she wasn’t all that caring about people, she didn’t have patience for sick people, she hated children and she was afraid of the elderly. I guess I just,’ His eyes flit to River for a second, ‘want someone who is strong but willing to admit weakness, who is independent but willing to accept help, someone who is kind and caring, and most importantly someone I can be myself around, I never could with Amber.’
‘Well with a list like that you may never find your perfect girl, and then you might regret not becoming a pilot, because you won’t be getting married and settling down after all.’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure, I think she’s out there.’
‘Right,’ River hops to her feet and starts pacing the rooftop, feeling like the air has suddenly got thicker, she stops and spins to look at him, ‘Favorite color?’ She says going for safer topics and feeling the tension slip away from them.
‘Dark blue, yours?’
‘Hey I’m meant to be asking the questions.’ She stares back at him mock offended.
‘I think I have earned the right to ask a few questions.’ He smirks, leaning back on his elbows; she considers this for a second and then gives in.
‘Fine, but I reserve the right to refuse answers.’ She says firmly, ‘Forget-me-not blue is my favorite, what’s your favorite thing to do in your time off?’
‘Well I don’t get to fly as much as I used to, but I enjoy reading, I try and tackle at least three books each month, what about you?’
‘Well before I came in here I loved photography, but I don’t really get the chance to do that anymore, and I don’t have my camera anymore either, that’s in a later letter, but I’ve always liked writing, it started off just writing journals, but then I got into poetry and stories, I find it takes my mind off things, if I can just concentrate on the characters in my stories.’ She shrugs slightly, ‘It’s nothing much but I do enjoy it.’
‘Could I read some of it?’
‘You really want to?’
‘Yeah I really want to.’ He nods his head; she sits back down on the blanket and fingers the journal, the one that she never lets out of her sights, full of a collection of short stories.
‘Well I suppose since you bought me a new notebook to write in, you could take his one for a while.’ She hesitates but only for the briefest of moments, then hands the precious leather bound journal over to him.
Oliver arrives home just as Amanda is putting something on the table; there is no doubt in his mind that it’s another strange vegan meal, which he has to admit he’s starting to enjoy. He spots couscous with chopped vegetables.
‘What’s for dinner?’ He asks dropping his bag to the floor, and then ruffling Tiff’s already messy hair, gaining a loud giggle from the little girl.
‘Mediterranean roasted vegetable with spiced couscous.’ Amanda replies.
‘It smells good.’ He sits down at the table and lays River’s notebook beside his plate, thinking instantly how River is a vegan, and how she would probably enjoy this meal, if he could get her to eat it. ‘Do you think there will be any leftovers?’
‘There usually are.’ Amanda says nodding her head, as she dished up the steaming food onto the three plates.
‘Mommy makes a lot of leftovers.’ Tiff adds wisely, nodding her head slowly. ‘At home we have them for breakfast.’
‘That’s because she’s no good at judging portions, she just tips the food into the pan without weighing it.’ Oliver teases, before turning back to his sister, ‘Could I take some of this with me tomorrow?’
‘Sure, after the struggle I’ve had trying to get you to enjoy vegan food, I am definitely not going to refuse to let you taking some for lunch.’
‘Actually – it’s uh not for my lunch.’
‘Oh, I see – a colleague then?’ Amanda asks already doubtful of it being a coworker he’s feeding.
‘Um no, actually it’s a patient.’ He keeps his eyes focused on the plate, because he knows what his sister is like, and that means he knows she isn’t going to let this go easily.
‘I should have guessed, seeing as tomorrow is meant to be your day off.’ Amanda sighs, holding her fork motionless over her plate.
‘Don’t start sis, I know what I’m doing ok, you don’t need to worry.’ He shakes off her comment, deciding it’s safer if he switches subjects, ‘what are you plans for tomorrow?’
‘I have to work at the diner, which is why I was hoping that you’d be around to watch Tiff, because her usual babysitter had to cancel last minute, her cat got sick.’
‘Oh right – well’ he thinks for a moment, taking a few bites as he does, ‘I could take her with me.’
‘You want to take her to the hospital? Visiting the seriously ill patient you’re far too attached to?’ Amanda’s concern rises along with her voice.
‘Her condition isn’t contagious; you don’t have to worry about Tiff catching it.’ Oliver defends quickly.
‘So what is her condition?’
‘Amanda you know that I’m not allowed to discuss my patients, it’s against confidentiality.’
‘I don’t even know her name though, I don’t know her or her family, and if my daughter is going to meet her tomorrow, then I want to know what’s wrong with her, I think those demands are fairly reasonable.’ Amanda stares him down, until he finally concedes.
‘She’s got a few different things she’s dealing with, it’s not just one thing that’s affecting her, and there are multiple things which make her case more – complex.’ He replied vaguely.
‘What was she admitted with? Because I doubt it was so random, there must be something which stands o
ut.’ Amanda persists.
‘She was originally admitted with anorexia nervosa, and the effects it was having on her health.’
‘What’s ano…what’s that?’ Tiff asks, stumbling over the words, Oliver glances at his sister, and seeing her small nod he starts to explain.
‘Anorexia is a condition where the person eats either very little, or nothing at all, they lose a lot of weight but they always feel big.’ He tries to describe it as simply as he can.
‘Is your friend big then?’
‘She’s not his friend Tiff, she’s a patient.’ Amanda replies with a sharp look at Oliver, who ignores her comment.
‘No,’ he shakes his head sadly, ‘she’s tiny, too tiny.’
‘Then why won’t she eat? I like to eat.’
‘There’s a part of her brain which tells her she’s big, a lot of stuff happened to her to make her really sad, and it ended up with her thinking she needed to keep herself small, so she could control something, and I think that part of her just wants to be invisible.’
‘Why?’ Tiff looks up at him with big sad eyes.
‘Well – Because she’s very sad.’
‘But what made her very sad? The last time I was very sad it was because I was sick, so I couldn’t go out and play in the snow, is that why she’s sad?’
‘No kiddo, she’s sad because a lot of people said some very nasty things about her, for quite a long time.’ Oliver replies.
‘You mean like mean girls in school? I saw Tracy Miller call another girl a pig before, is it like that?’
‘Yeah it is.’ Oliver nods, ‘Only with my friend she had a lot of people saying a lot of nasty things, it wasn’t just one thing from one person, which is why it got so bad, any bullying is hard to handle, but what she went through was awful.’
‘I bet I could cheer her up! My teacher, well my old teacher from my last school, she says that I’m a very cheerful person, I won a certificate for most smiley, I could take her a gift and cheer her up.’ Tiff slides off her chair, ‘What does she like to do?’
How I Got Here Page 9