You're Not Worthless

by Kayaleah Bradley

  * * *

  It took me two and a half days to clean the entire house, from top to bottom. It’s officially been three days since I was suspended. Today is Thursday. I can go back to school on Monday, but if I’m being honest, I don’t want to. My mom hasn’t talked to me since she had to leave work to come and scold me. I think she told my dad, too, because he hasn’t talked to me either. My mom gave me the task of writing an apology note to Mrs. Jones-for screaming at her-and Jazmine.

  I’m not going to write either of them a letter. Jazmine is the bully, and I am the victim, and I will not write an apology letter to my attacker. As for Mrs. Jones? She wouldn’t even stop to listen to my side of the story. She wouldn’t even listen to what I had to say. Why would I write her a letter? No. I won’t do it.

  “Kalani,” I can hear my mom, from down the hallway. Then she appears at my doorway, and she doesn’t come any further.

  “Your father and I are going to a parent teacher conference night,” my mom says. “You’re staying here, because you’re grounded. Don’t forget to write your letters. We’ll be back by 7:30, and then we’ll all sit down for dinner.”

  “Dinner?” I question. “We never sit down for a family dinner.”

  “Well we are tonight,” my mom says. “Be good, I’ll be back soon.”

  My mom turns away and trails down the hallway.

  I’m not sure why my parents are suddenly going to attend parent teacher conferences, now, when they never have before. Maybe they just want answers. Little do they know, they could have gotten answers from me, but they refuse to listen to me.

  “Kalani?” Caden is standing in my doorway.

  I look over at him. “Yeah?”

  “Why are you grounded?” He asks.

  I’m not sure if I should tell him the truth, or if I should lie to protect my reputation.

  “I just... haven’t been making very good choices lately,” I say. That, at least, is true.

  “Why not?” Caden asks. He walks over to where I’m sitting on my bed, and sits down right next to me.

  “I don’t know,” I say, and that’s true, too. I don’t know why I’ve been doing the things I’ve done.

  “I guess I’m just stressed,” I say. “About my senior year. And college applications.”

  Caden nods. “Are you okay?” He asks. “I don’t want my big sister to be sad... It’ll make me sad.”

  “I’m okay,” I say, with a fake smile. “There’s just a lot going on right now. And I promise, I’m done making bad decisions.”

  “Good,” Caden says. “I love you, Kalani. You’re always there for me. I want to be there for you, too.”

  It’s interesting to see Caden this way. He’s only ten years old, so there isn’t much for him to worry about. All he wants to do is play soccer and video games. Watching him comfort me is not something I can say I’ve seen him do. But then again, he’s always been the one who needs comforting. So, naturally, I’ve always been the one to comfort him. I’ve never shown real emotion in front of my siblings, so they’ve never had​ ​ to comfort me.

  I’ve never given Caden the chance to be there for me, but I’m glad that he’s here for me right now. I pull Caden to me, and hug him tightly, and he hugs back. I’m glad that my brother can recognize when I’m drowning. Even if I can’t always recognize it myself.

  * * *

  Everybody is here tonight. Amelia, Skylar, and Caden, all sit across from me. Mom and Dad are at each end of the table. Even Mia came for dinner, who sits right next to me.

  “So, what’s the special occasion?” Mia asks. Her short blonde hair is tied up in a ponytail, and her brown eyes are lined with brown eyeliner. Mia is beautiful, that’s for sure.

  “Parent Teacher conferences,” my dad says. His brown hair is ruffled, like he forgot to brush it, and his piercing blue eyes look concerned.

  “Caden,” my mom begins. “Your teacher had no comments about your behavior. And you’re not failing any classes. Good job.”

  Even when my mom is congratulating him, she still sounds like she’s scolding him.

  Caden gives her a half smile, then returns his attention to the chicken breast laying on his plate.

  “Skylar,” my dad says. “Your teacher said that you’re a star! She said you’re one of the best in your class.”

  Skylar grins from ear to ear. Then she jumps up, and races to my dad. He picks her up, and sets her on his lap. Then he kisses her on the temple.

  I can barely hold back the bile forming in the back of my throat; what a star! ​​I roll my eyes.

  “Now, to the most important meeting,” my mom says. Everyone turns to look at me.

  “What,” I say. “You called this random dinner just for me?”

  “Kalani, this is important,” my dad says, and he looks concerned.

  “We talked to Mr. Smith,” my mom begins. “And he made it sound like you were being... bullied.”

  Every head at the table turns to face me. I can feel eyes all over me, and I’m not okay

  with that.

  “What?” Is all I can get out.

  “Mr. Smith said that the kids in his class have been treating you... poorly,” my dad says.

  “And he said that he’s had to defend you multiple times this year.”

  “Those kids make fun of everybody,” I lie. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, but I blink them away.

  “Mr. Smith said that those kids only make fun of you ​ ​during his class,” my mom says.

  She stares at me, and I can’t tell what she’s thinking. Does she feel pity for me? Sympathy? Disappointment?

  Amelia makes a noise, and everybody looks at her. I’ve never felt so grateful for a distraction.

  “Kalani did tell me that the girl she got in a fight with has been being mean to her...” “Amelia!” I yell in disbelief.

  “And she said that the girl who’s been being mean to her, started the fight, not Kalani.” I stare at Amelia, and I can’t help but feel angry.

  “You got in a fight?” Caden says, and he looks shocked. I look over at him, then back at

  Amelia, then at Mom.

  And my mom is staring at me, and her eyes aren’t wavering. “Kalani is that true?” My mom asks. “Was that girl bullying ​ ​you?” I shake my head in shock, because I don’t know what to do.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” My mom says. “Why didn’t you tell me that that girl started the fight?!”

  I look down at the chicken on my plate, that’s gone cold. I try to hold back the tears, but they’re too strong.

  “Mom, stop,” Mia says, but it’s barely more than a whisper.

  “Is that why you ditched school last week?” My mom says, raising her voice.

  “You ditched school?!” Caden says.

  “Because kids were making fun of you?” My mom’s voice is raising higher and higher, just like my anxiety.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

  “I tried to!” I shout, and everybody falls silent.

  I look around from Amelia, to Caden, to Mom, and back again.

  “I tried to tell you everything, but you just kept screaming at me!” That’s when the tears

  finally fall.

  Nobody says anything, probably because nobody knows what to say.

  “You never ​ ​listen to me.”

  Finally, I push myself back from the table, and dart out of the dining room. I sprint for the grand staircase, and race up the stairs, skipping every other step.

  I slam my door shut, and let out a giant sob. I slide down the door, and thump to the ground.

  I’m not sure what came over me. Maybe it was everything. Maybe everything just came onto me, and I just can’t hold back anymore. Maybe this time, I have hit rock bottom...

  Eight

  My mom hasn’t given me back my car keys, because technically, I’m still grounded. Lucas is going to have to drive me to school today, again. I buckle myself into the passenger’s seat. It’s my f
irst day back since I got suspended. I don’t want to go back at all, but if I miss anymore school I definitely won’t graduate.

  “Another sweater?” Lucas asks, examining the blue sweater I’m wearing. I’m roasting like an oven, but I have to cover the cuts on my arms. I shrug, but don’t respond.

  Lucas doesn’t question any further. He just starts the car and drives down the road.

  “I’m sorry you got into a fight with Jazmine,” he says after a while. “I’m also sorry that you were the only one to get punished for something she started.”

  I look over at Lucas. “You know she started the fight?” I ask.

  “Everyone knows.”

  “Then why did everyone say that I started the fight?” I ask.

  Lucas glances over at me, before returning his eyes to the road. He doesn’t say anything for a moment.

  “People said that you started the fight?” He asks. “I thought it was pretty clear that you didn’t.”

  I turn away from Lucas and stare out the car window. People are out to get me,

  that’s for sure.

  “Did you tell anyone what happened?” Lucas asks, after a while.

  “Yup,” I say. “I told the principal. And I told Amelia. And I told my mom. And nobody did anything.”

  Lucas looks surprised, but he doesn’t say anything. He just continues to drive down the road. I understand why Lucas is so surprised. I was shocked, too, when the principal said that she couldn’t do anything. But it’s like I said before. Everyone is out to get me.

  * * *

  The school is hot today. They must be blasting the heater. It’s December now, but while it’s cold outside, it hasn’t snowed yet. This is our last week of school before winter break.

  “God, it’s hot,” Lucas says. “Aren’t you hot?”

  I look up at him, and shake my head. I am starting to sweat, but I can’t take my sweater off.

  “You’re sweating Kalani,” Lucas says. I didn’t realize I was sweating that bad.

  “Wow Kalani,” I hear someone say, but I can’t tell who it is. “I didn’t realize that you were a fat pig,” Then the mystery voice chuckles.

  Jazmine steps through the crowd of students who are gathered in the main hallway. A bright pink cast has her right arm trapped. Apparently, she broke her wrist.

  “Shut up, Jazmine,” I say, but it’s only half-hearted. I brush past her, attempting to get to my first class of the day.

  She grabs at my elbow with her good arm, and pulls me back.

  “But really, Kalani, you are kind of sweating like a cow,” Jazmine says as she smirks at me.

  “Why don’t you take your sweater off?”

  “Because I don’t want to,” I say. “And you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

  The expression on Jazmine’s face changes. “You’re probably not wearing anything under it! That’s why you can’t take it off!”

  Jazmine lets out a dark laugh, and a few other people standing by laugh too. “Why don’t we take a look?”

  Before I can even comprehend what’s happening, Jazmine locks her arms around my neck, cutting off my airway.

  I try to elbow her in the stomach, but she’s holding me so tight that I can’t even move.

  Even with a broken wrist, and a massive cast, I still can’t seem to break free from her grasp.

  I can hear the crowd cheering: “Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!”

  That’s when I feel Jazmine’s fingers grasp the collar of my sweater. In one swift motion, I can feel the fabric slip up over my head.

  Jazmine yanks the sweater free, and I stumble backwards. I’m wearing a plain grey

  T-shirt, that isn’t revealing, but it definitely reveals the cuts on my arms.

  A silence falls over the crowd of people who have gathered. And for a moment, everybody just stares at my arms. I look down at my arms, and at the cuts. Then I look up at the crowd of people. Then at Jazmine. Jazmine lets out a burst of laughter, and the crowd follows suit. I can hear people laughing and shouting things like: “What a freak!”, “Emo wannabe!”, “Attention seeker!”

  My eyes dart everywhere, from the cuts on my arms, to the crowd, to Jazmine, and then to Lucas. Lucas is staring at me like he doesn’t even know who I am; like he doesn’t know what to do.

  “Kalani...” Lucas says, and it’s barely a whisper, a gasp for breath.

  Despite the crowd, and the laughter, I can’t seem to take my eyes off of Lucas. He looks nothing short of disappointed in me.

  “I’m sorry...” I say, but it hardly comes out.

  I take one more look at the crowd.

  And then I run.

  * * *

  When I ran, I didn’t think about where I was running to. I just ran. Now I’m sitting in the fifth-floor girl’s bathroom. I locked the door, so that nobody could find me to make fun of me. I didn’t cry. I didn’t do anything. I just locked the door, and sat down. Right now, I’m sitting on the bathroom counter, where the sinks are. And I’m staring at myself in the mirror. I just don’t know who I am anymore. A couple of months ago, I would have never ditched class. I would have never fought with anybody. I would have never harmed myself.

  In just one month, I’ve done all of those things. It’s like I’m beginning to lose myself. And the truth is, I don’t know what to do to find that girl that I used to be. Maybe I can’t find her. Maybe I will never be able to find her. Because maybe that girl that I used to be, is gone. Maybe she’s gone forever. Maybe the girl that I lost is dead.

  * * *

  I’m sitting on my bed when I hear the doorbell ring. After a few minutes, my mom appears in my doorway.

  “Someone’s here to see you,” she says. I’m about to ask why she would let me have a visitor considering I’m still grounded, when she turns on her heel and leaves.

  Lucas steps into view, and I can’t stop myself from feeling anxious. His dark brown hair is messy, like he didn’t care to brush it, and his dark green eyes are watery.

  “Lucas,” It’s barely a gasp.

  “Let me see your arms,” Lucas says. Within four long strides, he’s at my side, and pulling up my sleeves.

  Lucas stares down at the cuts on my arms. He looks mesmerized by the marks, the same way I was, the first time I cut myself.

  “Why did you do this?” He asks, and for a moment I forget that he’s even talking to me.

  “I don’t know...” I whisper, because I’m afraid to speak louder.

  “Why did you do this?” Lucas asks, his words more precise this time.

  “I just... Don’t care anymore... That’s why...”

  Lucas stands up, from where he was leaning over to examine my arms. He runs a hand through his hair. His hand drops to cover his eyes, and he drags it down his face. He’s never looked this exhausted before.

  It’s strange to think that I did that to him. Everything that’s happened this school year has truly broken me. But maybe it’s broken him, too. I’ve never thought about the fact that Lucas has had to deal with all of the same things that I have. Maybe he hasn’t been bullied himself, but he’s spent every day of his senior year by my side; everyday, defending me​; everyday, protecting me​ ​. He has to be exhausted.

  “I’m having a hard time,” Lucas pauses. He stares at me for a moment, and I can tell that he’s struggling to keep his eyes from the cuts.

  “I’m having a hard time... being your friend,” he says finally. I’m about to blow up on him, but he puts a hand up, stopping me.

  “I love you, Kalani,” he says. “You’re my best friend. And I would do anything to make you smile. And it hurts me-it physically​​ hurts me-to see you in this much pain.

  I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do. I’ve defended you, and stood by you, and have tried to make you feel better, and this-​​” Lucas gestures to the cuts on my arms- “Is what you choose to do? Here I am, trying to protect ​you, and you just decide to do the exact opposite!?” He shouts.


  “Do you realize how dangerous and stupid that is?” Lucas asks, lowering his voice. “Do you realize that if you cut yourself the wrong way, or too deep, you can bleed out?”

  Lucas turns away from me. I’ve never made him this mad before. When he turns around, there are streaks of tears lining his cheeks. I’ve never seen him cry before.

  “Please stop, Kalani,” Lucas says, his voice shaking. “Please stop throwing ​​your life away! I know that this is hard, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through-”

  “You’re right!” I say, cutting him off. “You’re right. You can’t ​​imagine what I’m going through, because it’s not happening to you. You don’t ​​know, so why are acting like it?”

  Lucas stares at me for a moment, another tear sliding down his cheek.

  “Please,” Is all he can muster.

  I shake my head. “You don’t understand. So, don’t ​​tell me how to live my life.” Lucas doesn’t say anything. He just stares at me. Then, he turns away from me.

  “I can’t help you, if you don’t want ​ ​to be helped,” he says.

  Then he leaves.

  I let out a sound of frustration, and stand from my place on my bed. Then, I ball my hand into a fist, and ram it into the wall by my desk. I let out a cry of pain, and press my hand against my chest. I rub my knuckles, which sends a stinging pain all throughout my hand. When I look at my hand, I can see that my knuckles are bleeding, and the top of my hand is already turning purple.

  There’s a giant hole in the wall.

  I knew it was going to be a matter of time before I broke something. But that wall isn’t the only thing that’s breaking.

  Nine

  Lucas hasn’t spoken to me in three days. Today is Friday, the last day of school before winter break. My mom ungrounded me, and gave me back my car keys, so I can officially drive now. I’m sliding into the driver’s seat just as I feel the urge to drive to Lucas’s house, since we carpool together. I can’t drive to Lucas’s house; he made his decision, because I made things too difficult. I take a right, towards school, instead of going straight, towards Lucas’s house, my heart breaks a little bit inside. I’m not sure how I’ve been getting through the past couple of days without Lucas; he’s usually my rock.