by Alexa Davis
“Look. If that’s the kind of person you are, I just don’t have time for it. I’m not some pathetic little bitch who has to sit around and wait for socially handicapped men to show her a little attention.” I cuddled Stiles and tried to ignore the disappointment in my gut. “I like you, Jackson, you can be really fun to talk to. I wish you the best, but I don’t have time in my life for friends who don’t remember that I’m a person and I have feelings. Bye, Jackson.” I hung up and threw the phone against the sofa. I felt dirty and a little used. God, was I glad I’d only sent him a picture of my elbow.
I looked around my apartment. I had two choices to work off my funk. I could clean, or I could play computer games. Obviously, I opted for the later. What was the point of being young and broke if you couldn’t live in a sty and ignore the squalor around you?
My computer went on, my hair went in a ponytail, and Stiles the cat curled up in his favorite spot, on my toes, right next to the nice, warm computer tower. Once I was in my favorite game, I noticed my in-game mailbox was full. When I checked, there were several messages from Jackson, including little in game tokens, which I promptly took. The messages were like tweets, limited to a little over one hundred characters, so his apology took several separate messages. I screen saved each one, then pasted them together in a word document that read:
“I know you think I’m an idiot. I hang out with a lot of girls, who are just friends, and I’ve never been interested in them the way I am in you. When I left group, it wasn’t for her, but for our friend who’s leaving for a deployment. She was hanging out with him one last time and asked for help with a stupid world boss. I should’ve just told you what I was doing. I didn’t know who had been invited, or if there was room for one more. So, you’re right. I was stupid. Next time, if you let there be a next time, I’ll handle it differently. I’m sorry. I spent all my fake, in-game gold on a bunch of really fake-expensive, in-game gifts so you won’t hate me. PS: I really like your elbow.”
The message made me smile, and I finally sent a thank you message in reply. I unblocked his character in-game and stayed on to play a little while longer with an eye out for him , just in case he made an appearance. I felt stupid for making a big deal out of getting ditched in a make-believe world while playing pretend online. Maybe I’d been a streamer too long. Or maybe I really was the attention whore my detractors liked to call me. Either way, I had to figure out a way to apologize for being too sensitive and get back on track as a professional.
I unbanned him from the stream site, with my fingers crossed that no one had noticed and there wouldn’t be ugliness from my fans, most of whom were a little crazy in the keyboard warrior department. I didn’t text him, even though it was killing me not to. When I looked at the empty monitor of my second computer, I was staring at the eyes of a jealous woman. I was all green-eyed monster over a man I didn’t know, who had a sexy voice, and from his pictures, had a rocking body to match. He didn’t need to chase me like the other gamer nerds did. He was probably the one used to being chased.
It was crazy to me how much I wanted this particular guy to like me, and how important it was that he not know that. But, I told myself, it didn’t matter. I was putting on makeup only to make myself feel better after being offended the night before. My clothes matched just because I wanted to show the stream how professional I was, not to show off for a guy I didn’t even know.
Just as the stream was about to start, I looked over at my phone. On it was a message. “Pizza is on the way. It’s paid for, just don’t get too crazy with the tip.” It was from Jackson, and I had to smile. There was no point in being angry with him. He was just a hot guy who never had to think about anyone but himself. That didn’t mean he couldn’t be fun as hell, and I wasn’t looking for love anyway.
I switched the camera on and turned the wait music down. I scanned the names in chat real quick before I started, and grinned as I saw Jackson’s name at the very top of the list. There was no reason why he and I couldn’t just enjoy each other’s company without expectations. He was sexy and fun, and, when I had his attention, it felt amazing. I schooled my face into one less resembling a lust-crazed high schooler, and greeted my audience. I had the beginnings of a plan and, if it worked out, there was a lot of fun in store for me, and Jackson too.
Chapter Six
Jackson
C.J. could’ve hung me out to dry on her stream, but she was mum on being pissed off at me, and even texted me not to say anything. She knew that there were some obsessed fanboys in her chat, she was afraid they’d try to hunt me down to protect “her honor.” She was absolutely right. Therefore, I took great pleasure in sending her another donation, this one of over two hundred dollars, with an apology for ditching her the night before.
It was the liveliest I’d ever seen any chat, let alone hers. I was blasted by men who lived in their mothers’ basements, and had never had sex without paying for it for a prostitute. Even better, the first ones wanted to top my donation and within minutes it was an all-out tip war and I’d been forgotten. I looked at C.J.’s face on the screen. Her jaw dropped and stayed just above floor level for almost an hour, as she raked in thousands of dollars in viewer donations without doing a thing.
When the spending finally slowed down, she promised a stream playing with only donors the next day, and spent a few minutes finding a game that would allow her to play with a large group of people at the same time. I logged out well before the stream ended and took Coddle Me down to the river before it got too dark for us to find our way back.
I liked C.J. I liked her so much that I didn’t have an excuse for cutting her loose when we were having such a great time. Of course, I should’ve known a beautiful woman wouldn’t take too kindly to being bumped for another girl. But damn, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I just needed a couple of hours in the same room to know if I was jonesing for her because she was a semi-famous hot chick, or if I wanted her because it was right for us to try.
I was tired and irritable when I got back, maybe even more than when I’d left. I tossed the reins to old Jack, who was already chatting to Coddle Me by the time I hung up my tack, and walked out toward the main house.
I saw my phone blinking, but ignored the notifications and ran myself a hot shower instead. It was full dark by the time I slid into my baggy sweats and picked up my phone on the way to lie down on the bed. I unlocked the screen and it lit up like Christmas, with texts and emails. I called C.J. right away, feeling like an even bigger jerk for ignoring her.
“You bought me a plane ticket.” I blurted as soon as she answered the phone.
“I bought you a plane ticket. I would’ve paid for your room too, but you were too busy ignoring me, so that’s off the table.
“I wasn’t ignoring you, I was out for a ride in the mountains. No cell reception outside the fence line around here.” I laughed and shook my head. “I guess I’ll have to stay with you, I already gave you all my money.
She made a rude noise on the other end of the line. “I didn’t pay for your plane ticket, you did. Or at least, you paid for the way out. You left before the end of my stream. I made over two thousand dollars by the end of the stream, all starting with your donation. It was crazy. I actually felt bad about accepting donations for the very first time ever.”
“You shouldn’t,” I laughed. “You give these guys the fantasy. You know they all tell their friends they hang out with a model who games with them.” I sighed and rubbed my stubble with the palm of my hand. “You know, I did a quick check of your system when I subscribed, you know, just to be safe, since I was giving out my card info.”
“Oh God. Do not tell me I’m being piggy-backed by some asshole credit card scammer.”
“Lord no. They wouldn’t dare. You have guys from a few hacker groups in your demographic, gorgeous. I mean hardcore guys from Lizard Squad and one old timer from LulzSec. If you complained once about a weird charge back or wonky looking subscription the idiot stupid eno
ugh to try would get exactly what he deserves.”
“So, you keep me safe?” She sounded impressed, and I grinned to myself and leaned back in my bed.
“Yes, ma’am, I do. So, since you bought my plane ticket, should I pick up a ticket to the whole convention, or just one day?” I could just about hear her gears turning as she thought.
“Go for all three days. That way, unless I get cut from the first round in the contest, you can watch me move up.”
“Well, shit, good-lookin’ of course you’re going to move up in the cosplay contest. How crazy would it be if you won two, back to back?”
“Well, it’s never happened before. You sure you’re good to come out? It’s coming up pretty soon.”
“Well, you know, I wasn’t just pining for you when I went out for that ride this evening. I told you I’ve been down about things here, I was thinking of going to school out in California, like my brother Logan did for a bit.”
“Like, here, in Los Angeles?”
“No, I wasn’t going to get that weird on you. I was thinking, maybe, Stanford? I got accepted there when I first applied, but my focus was Agriculture at first, you know, trying to be a Hargrave. Once I switched to cyber-security, a whole lot of university options opened up for me.”
“Do you need to take classes in cyber-security?” She sounded genuinely surprised, and I chuckled.
“I learned a lot more about the law and what I could do with my talent without doing jail time, that’s for sure. The older I get, the whiter my hat gets. No more black-hat vicious cyber-attacks for me.”
“Now you’re a hero, helping people even when they don’t know, like you did with me?”
I told her some of my favorite stories when I’d helped my brothers in their personal lives and businesses. She seemed impressed but thoughtful, like she had a use for me, rather than thinking it was hot. Which, I even preferred.
We talked for hours, again. I was too exhausted to turn off my light when we finally hung up after talking about what I do, where I could work if Stanford would accept me mid-year, how to start her costume business… I couldn’t even remember half of what either of us said if I tried the next day, but I knew there was no one I’d ever talked to who I was happy to talk about nothing with until my eyes burned and I fell asleep on the phone, still listening to the sound of her voice.
The next morning, I texted her an apology for falling asleep. In her return text was a sound byte of my snoring, with her giggling in the background. I had no come back, no witty reply, and I took my lumps while promising myself I’d get her back as soon as possible. I got strange looks at lunch, which was technically breakfast for me, but that wasn’t unusual for me during breaks from school. I finally got a clue when old Jake asked me how the hell I managed to sneak a girl out without anyone noticing. When he saw my confusion, he laughed and asked me to roll him a few of whatever I had been smoking, and bring them to him after work.
Danny all but said the same thing when I checked in with him while he worked, looking for some computer nonsense I could put to right to kill time. I explained my plan to leave and attend Stanford and he agreed, heartily. Too heartily.
“I’m just considering it, okay? Don’t get your hopes up that I’ll go and stay gone like Logan did, okay?”
Danny laughed. “Look, all I’m saying is that there’s a whole lot of world out there, and you shouldn’t be stuck here. I hated being defined by being ‘the oldest.’ Can’t be much better being ‘the baby.’ At least you got that giant brain to work with. No offense, but I don’t see you growing old as a cow punch.”
“Oh God no.” I shuddered. “Hell, if Coddle Me wasn’t such a patient old girl, I probably wouldn’t even ride.”
Danny laughed and shook his head. “You don’t mean that. You are still a Hargrave. But, I understand. I always get the feeling that you don’t quite fit into any of the ideas mom and dad have for your future.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “And that’s the reason you’re my favorite brother.”
“Liar. But, I want you to be happy. Is there a girl? Because the ranch hands have a bet going that you have ‘something special’,” he made quotes with his fingers, “with a webcam girl in another state, seeing as you never come out of your room for beers with them, anymore.”
I laughed aloud. “I guess that’s exactly what she is, but, uh, not as um, exciting as they’d think. She’s a gamer and a friend. I’ll be staying with her while I check out Stanford, but she lives in LA, and she’s a model, so I don’t expect it to go anywhere too crazy.”
“She’s a model and a gamer and you’re expecting her to be tame? Good luck with that son, you’ll need it.” He sniggered at me and I coughed and cleared my throat.
“I meant, no wedding bells for me, Dan. Geez.” I rolled my eyes. “She certainly knows her way around the guys who follow her stream. But she’s smart and probably the hardest working person I know who doesn’t reside on this ranch. So, yeah, I’ll take any luck you’ll give me.” I ran back to the kitchen and raided the fridge for beers, depositing a couple on the stairs to take up later, and the took two back to the office. I handed one to my brother and poured a little of the other down my throat.
“You think you’ll come back to the ranch after you’ve finished at Stanford?”
“I don’t even know if I’m going to Stanford, but I don’t think I’ll be back. I’m old enough to drink, man. I’m old enough to stop living with my parents every summer.” We laughed some more and I weighed what I was losing if I went to school in another state. I loved my brothers, my parents, even the men who worked here, some of whom had been here as long as I had. I always went back to Lago Colina, because it was home. This time, I wouldn’t go back, no matter what happened in California.
I had only a few days left before it was time for me to leave for good. I drained the last of my beer and clapped Danny on the back. If I was going to say goodbye, I figured I should start with my mother. She’d probably be the only one to truly miss me once the novelty of my being gone wore off.
I saluted Danny with my empty and tossed it in the trash, then went to find the woman of the house. Maybe she would be up for a horseback ride.
Chapter Seven
Carina
Jackson had accepted the plane ticket. I almost danced around the room. I’d never been able to do anything like that before for a guy in my life, I had never even paid for a dinner, much less flown some stranger out to the coast to spend time with me. I had a moment of regret. What if he turned out to be a jerk, or worse? Then, I worried about coming on too strong, some guys didn’t like a girl paying for anything or making the plans. I reasoned that he’d been the one to suggest staying with me, even if he had been teasing.
I called my one best and truest friend, Shelby, and squealed at her liked a teenager. After she’d mocked me for a bit, then cheered me on, she agreed to go through my clothes and go shopping with me for something nice to wear the day Jackson showed up, and for accessories to finish my best costume yet. I walked into my dressing room and ran my hands over the white feathers of the wings I’d built from scratch, wrapping cheese cloth over a thick wire frame Shelly’s boyfriend had helped me bend.
I had sewn every giant white feather in place to ensure that I, and the wings, could move without them coming loose. I’d searched fabric stores, costume shops, and scrap yards for the materials to build this costume, and every inch of it was intended to bring the character to life. But none of it compared to those wings. I pulled the leather strap hidden near the waist of the bodice and the wings sprang open with a whoosh that made my heart beat fast no matter how many times I opened them.
Their span was two inches wider than I was tall: a full six feet across from tip to tip. I had three garbage bags of discarded feathers that hadn’t made the cut, and the wings were flawless, whiter than paper and perfectly shaped. The bodice was cut so low I felt brave wearing it in the privacy of my own room, but the metal boning and hi
dden braces over the shoulders and around the waist allowed the wings to be worn and opened without weighing it down or threatening to tear it open.
I’d worked for two years on this costume and now, with Jackson in the audience, I would finally get to debut it. The thought wrenched my stomach with anxiety and I rushed to the bathroom.
“You never do anything by halves, do you?” I asked my reflection. Cold water dripped down my face, and I splashed some more across it, then ran my cool, wet hand over the back of my neck. I looked at my dripping reflection again, watching as color rose back into my face. For someone who chose the spotlight every time she had the opportunity, I sure was a pussy about putting myself out there.
Modeling had been easy. Eat barely enough to stay alive, hop on the treadmill to burn even that off, and follow direction. Not that doing what I was told was always easy, or that I’d liked it. But there was very little personal risk to “Slouch more” or “suck in your belly” or even being told to lose fifteen pounds when I was already ten pounds underweight. Someone else was in charge, which meant the risk was theirs.
Now I was healthier than I’d ever been, physically and emotionally. But, even though I was allowed to eat, I called my own shots, and I had the energy to even want to date instead of always hiding when I wasn’t forced to be in public, I had never been more afraid in my entire life. I needed more than cold water to bring back the feeling in my toes and slow my heart rate to a normal pace, so I took a long shower that I’d meant to be a quick one, and walked the mile or so to my favorite art supply store.
I was feeling much better by the time I opened the door, thrilling at the tinny jingle of the bell that the owner, Mack, hung there. It was nice to enjoy shopping as I slung my bag over one arm and wandered up and down the aisles looking for anything that struck me. It wasn’t often that I splurged and shopped without a plan, and I knew I could get myself in trouble in a place like that, but I couldn’t stop humming and smiling as I stumbled over paint colors I hadn’t seen before and patterned pieces of paper that most ladies used for scrapbooking, but I used for design inspiration.