“That son of a bitch, if I get my hands on him…no, let’s go find him instead.”
“No,” came from both Lisa and Clay at the same time. “Jeff, sit and take a breath, let me finish.” Lisa went on to tell them both about her talk with Dana, how Walker somehow had made her believe she was cold and frigid, unable to love. “That still doesn’t change my mind. I can be on a flight first thing in the morning. Clay, you’ll keep an eye on things here for me.”
“No. If you go, I’m going, too. I figure if we can get him alone, all we need is three minutes.”
“Boys, put away the fists.” Lisa was laughing at them both. “Dana doesn’t want either of you to go and find him. She left him, on her own, remember? It was her choice, and a good one. Clay, if you do love her, you have to give her some time to realize that all men aren’t like Walker.”
“But I’d feel so much better if I could just talk to him.” The anger in Clay’s voice echoed in the darkness.
“I’m sure you would, but think about Dana. This must have been devastating to her. Gentlemen, and I’ll use the term loosely at this point, think about Dana.”
“We are, damn it.” Jeff said, tossing his napkin onto the table. “Clay, give me my son, I need to hold onto something innocent before I go crazy.” Taking his child, he settled back into his seat.
“Jeff, how old was Dana when she left for New York, sixteen?”
“Yes. I’ll never understand how she talked me into letting her go.”
“Because it was the right thing to do, for Dana. Look at the career she’s had. She’s traveled all over the world, met interesting people…”
“Yeah, I bet Walker was real interesting,” Jeff added. He watched as his wife took a cleansing breath before continuing.
“Yes. And in all that time not once a hint of scandal. Think about it, never was she linked with any man until him. Guys, don’t you see?”
“No, Lisa. Where are you going with this?”
“Dana just turned twenty-six. She broke up with this guy over a year ago. I know she met him when she returned from our wedding, that’s when they started dating.” Clay started to interrupt, but she shushed him in the same way she did Jeff. “I know for a fact, it was while she was home for the wedding and holidays that she looked at Clay differently for the first time.”
“So, we’ve both had these feelings for three years.”
“God, men are so dense sometimes.” Lisa refilled her cup. “My guess is when Dana met Walker, she was still somewhat innocent. I believe she probably didn’t blurt it out. He must have assumed she was…experienced. That’s why when she didn’t respond to him, he considered her frigid.”
“Jeez, Lisa.” This time Jeff was up on his feet, pacing back and forth along the pool line. “Are you telling me you think she was still a virgin and this guy didn’t take time with her?”
Clay knew that theory didn’t make sense, the few private times he’d had with Dana she didn’t seem intimidated by him or the acts they performed on each other. No, Clay would have liked to accept Lisa’s version for the simplicity of it. But deep down he knew it had to be something beyond a simple act of sex. He didn’t verbalize his concerns.
“Calm down, Jeff. I can see the blood rushing from your brain. It won’t help the situation to have a stroke on us. Please sit down and listen to me.” Jeff relinquished his son to his wife, watching as she placed him back in his bassinet. When she had him settled, Jeff was back at the table, drumming his fingers on the glass top. Returning to her seat, she put her hand on top of his, trying to comfort him, mostly trying to get him to stop the noise.
“Guys, think back to your first times, it went in degrees as you got older. You started with kissing and touching, exploring, progressing to the final steps of true intercourse. I think with the life Dana led, she was more sheltered than most girls. I’m not saying she didn’t date, but she always had a lot to carry on her shoulders. Her face was plastered on magazines and billboards all over the world. She couldn’t very well pick up someone at a bar and bring him back to her hotel room.”
“She told me once she preferred non-romantic, professional arrangements as escorts. No groping goodbye. It was a matter of business for them both.”
“She must have been scared to death,” Jeff whispered.
“If I ever find out he hurt her…” Clay added. Again, he didn’t add that she wasn’t a virgin in some things. But he couldn’t help wonder just how much experience she did have. For now, silence was his best alternative, along with keeping Jeff from running off and finding Walker for answers.
“None of it matters, now. What she needs now is to be made to understand that just because she didn’t live up to Walker’s expectations of the cover girl model he thought he was dating, doesn’t mean she’s frigid. She’s just inexperienced! Besides, by then she was already in love with Clay, he probably never stood a chance to really seduce her, he was a substitute.”
Clay let his head fall into his hands, rubbing his temples deeply. Jeff sat staring into the darkness, lost in his thoughts. Lisa left them, returning with an ashtray and Jeff’s secret stash of cigars. She handed each man one, then lit one for herself. She wasn’t surprised at the strange look she got from either man when she lit up.
“That explains why I was smoking so much. I wasn’t,” Jeff joked. “And to think, I was blaming old Jeb for pinching them.” Three tips glowed in the darkness. A long time passed before anyone spoke.
“Lisa, are there any other secrets you’re keeping from me?” Jeff teased.
“Nothing important, dear,” she answered, though her wicked smile didn’t go unnoticed.
“How do you suggest I handle this?” Clay finally asked.
“That’s up to you, Clay. Personally, I think she needs to be made love to, and not just a quick wham, bam kind of thing. She needs to know and feel it’s all right to enjoy sex with the right person.”
“I’ve tried, Lisa. She freezes up.” Clay glanced to Jeff. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s all right. At least you didn’t push her.”
“Of course not! She’s too precious to…” Lisa’s eyes widened as Clay said the word precious. “You saw it, too, didn’t you, that day in the parking lot when Mary and Leo surprised her?”
“I’m still here, folks, explain, please?” Jeff said in an assertive tone. “I wouldn’t call her precious, if I were you,” Lisa added and then explained to Jeff about the moment in the parking lot when his uncle called the baby precious, but Dana thought he was calling her that. “She froze. I saw the look of panic cross her face. It wasn’t until she realized it was Uncle Leo talking that she relaxed.”
“I saw it. I just didn’t fit it all together.”
“She loves you, Clay, has for a long time. Now she just has to understand the physical side of it, without being pressured about her insecurity or phobia.”
Lisa left them alone, taking the baby up to the nursery. Both men sat in the darkness. She had no idea what their conversation was like, but they were both intact when she returned. When she returned, she handed Clay a slip of paper.
“It’s Dana’s number at the hotel. Take it as a fallback. We all know she’s terrible at keeping her cell phone charged. What harm could a simple phone call be to see how the shoot’s going?” With that, she kissed his cheek. “Weren’t you the one who always says he loves a challenge?” Walking behind his chair, she went to her husband.
“Jeff, I know this is hard for you. You’ve always taken care of her. This one is out of your hands. Trust Clay with Dana. If it’s right, they’ll know it.” Kissing his cheek, she smiled down. “Don’t stay out here too late. I’ll be waiting for you.” With a private wink, she left the men alone.
“I should go. Lisa’s waiting for you.” Clay stood, wondering how this had changed his relationship with his friend.
“Give her a call. A friendly voice couldn’t hurt.” He paused then shook his head.
“What, Jeff?”
“It’s not my place to tell you.”
“God, there’s more?”
“I can’t. Dana swore me to secrecy.”
“Is it about this?”
“No, no. Well, in a way.” He watched his best friend and knew from their years together that Jeff was struggling with his conscience. “There’s a board meeting next week. Dana goes before the board about her permits.”
“She told me. We’re supposed to have supper afterwards.”
“It would be good for her if you were there to support her.”
“Of course, I was planning on going.” Clay got a few steps away before turning around. “Jeff, am I the reason she’s having trouble with the board?”
“I don’t know a thing about it!”
“Linda?”
“Did you know Lisa saw you and Dana kissing in the nursery the day of Adam’s christening?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“She met Linda in the hallway. Apparently Linda saw it too.”
“I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”
“No, Clay,” Jeff warned him. “That’s exactly what I wanted to do, but Lisa made me see Dana had to do this on her own. If you interfere, it undermines her.”
“Am I supposed to sit back and watch the bitch screw with Dana’s dreams?”
“It is a bitch, isn’t it? I just wanted you to understand what she’s up against. She’s fighting a woman she believes would make you happier, and apparently feeling she’s sexually inadequate.”
“That’s crazy. Linda means nothing to me.”
“We know that, but women seem to twist things until they come out the way they want them to. Just know behind all of this, I do believe Dana does love you. And if you truly love her, you have to let her handle both of these situations.” Jeff laughed. “Aren’t you glad you came to supper tonight?”
“Jeez, Jeff.”
Just past eleven he punched the numbers into the telephone for Dana’s hotel. He’d tried her cell earlier, but it went straight to voice mail. Waiting to be put through, his hands went clammy. Propping the phone against his shoulder, he wiped his palms on the bed next to him.
“Hello?”
“I woke you. I’m sorry.” Clay cursed himself for waiting so long to place the call.
“Clay? No, I wasn’t asleep. I’m too wound up to sleep. Give me a second to find the remote.” He pictured her shifting to sit up against the headboard and heard the television being muted in the background. “Is everything all right there?”
“Fine. I was just thinking about you, wondering how the shoot was going.” He pictured her snuggled down amongst the pillows and blanket, her hair mussed, her eyes dreamy with sleep.
“Okay, I guess. I don’t remember it being so much work!” She laughed. “Really, it’s fine, it’s just so hot down here, the beach shoots are taking longer than we thought.”
“I miss you, Dana.”
“I miss you, too, Clay.” The hesitation in her voice was apparent. Finally, she continued. “I don’t have any real right to.”
“Yes you do, Dana. I love you, and I miss you. When are you coming home?” There, he had said it. Now it couldn’t be taken back, she’d have to deal with it.
“I’m scheduled to come in next Sunday. Clay, did you just…never mind.”
“Yes, Dana. I just told you that I’m in love with you, and not like a big brother. I love you as a man loves a woman, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.”
“Clay, you can’t mean that. I’ve tried to tell you, I can’t be the woman you need.”
“Let me decide what I want for myself. I have, Dana. It’s you. I just needed you to know that, to understand I’m waiting patiently for you.”
“Clay, please don’t. I’ve disappointed you already. Please don’t make it worse.”
“Why do you keep saying you’ve disappointed me? Because I got carried away at an inappropriate time? That night was my fault, Dana. I should have had more control.”
“That’s just it, Clay. When you love someone, you’re not supposed to have to control yourself with them.”
“We’ll talk about it when you get back.”
“Clay?”
“Dana. I didn’t call to worry you. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you.”
“Oh, God, Clay. If only I could be the woman I want to be.”
“You are, sweetheart, you just don’t know it yet.” He waited for a response. When he didn’t get one, he continued. “What time does your flight get in Sunday?”
“What?” It took Dana a minute to digest his words. Catching up, she added, “Afternoon. I’ve ordered a car service.”
He teased her, “I’ll cancel it.”
“Clay, it’s such a long ride, please don’t.”
“Because you don’t want to see me?”
“Because I’m so confused,” she told him, and he honestly believed her.
“Dana, I know he hurt you, I’m not sure how and I don’t need to know, but whatever it was, not all men are alike.” He could hear her breathing on the other end of the line. “Dana?”
“It wasn’t like that. I wouldn’t allow him to physically hurt me, but he wanted more than I could give him.”
“Maybe he didn’t know how to ask for it?”
“What he wanted I couldn’t give.”
“So he expected you to handle it anyway? How often, Dana? How long did you let it go on?” Clay fought to rein back his temper and adjust his attitude.
Dana hollered into the telephone. “I couldn’t seem to live up to what a woman is supposed to do for a man. If it wasn’t so pathetic, it would be ironic. Frigid supermodel. Don’t blame him completely, Clay. It’s my fault. The first time I figured I was just nervous, after that, he was actually very nice about it for a long time. In the end, it wasn’t fair to blame him. I’ve heard he’s happily married these days, a soap actress I think.” She paused for air. Clay realized her temper had risen from nowhere. She was taking a moment to let it now dissipate, but she sounded as if her strength drained away.
His voice had risen, although it was the one thing he had promised himself, that he wouldn’t upset her with his call. Now all he could see was red in front of his eyes. “Dana?”
“Screw you, Clay. Don’t you think I was humiliated enough, knowing I couldn’t satisfy him? Can’t you just believe me when I tell you to move on? It would be so much simpler.” He heard exasperation in her voice.
“Dana, I’m sorry. I have no right to make you feel bad. It’s just that when you’re with me, I don’t get frigid. I get erotic. I thought you felt that, too? Dana, I know you’ve felt it, you can’t lie about it. When you’re in my arms, you’re hot and sexy. You have no idea what kind of thoughts you put into my head.”
“You might have been better off not knowing. I’m afraid.”
“Don’t be afraid with me, Dana. I won’t hurt you, ever.”
“I’m afraid that once I disappoint you, we’ll lose what we had before, even though I’ve come to realize there’s no going back. That scares me the most, Clay. Looking ahead and not seeing you in the picture, anywhere, even if just to remember my birthday.”
“My God, Dana. Don’t go there, don’t ever think that, it will never happen, if you decide you don’t want me around in a sexual way, I’ll always be here for you, no matter what you decide.”
“What about your decisions?”
“I’ve made them. I’m not in a hurry, just relax and think it through, Dana. I know you in all your moods, good and bad, including that horrible dental surgery thing.”
“Clay, that’s not fair…”
Clay listened, taking a relieved breath. “That’s better, I’ve always liked your laugh better than your tears, especially when you’re so far away.”
“You must be crazy, Clay.” Her voice was resigned. “Would you just remember one thing, when this all blows up in our faces?”
“Anything. What is it?”
“Be car
eful what you wish for, you might just get it!” Clay decided she was trying to irritate him.
“Is that a challenge, Dana? Sometimes you frustrate me so much I could take you over my knee and spank some sense into you.”
“What else would you do to me?” He heard her laugh and decided to play her game.
“What are my choices?”
“Never mind, I was just joking. I don’t do that very well either. Although I’d have liked to see your face just now.”
“Laugh if you want, Dana, but don’t tempt me too far. One day I might just call your bluff.”
“How long do I have to wait for that?” There was dead silence on the line. “Clay?”
“Are we just joking, or am I a complete dolt and not getting your blatant messages? Really, tell me Dana, are you joking or are you serious?”
“What if I told you it was a bit of both?”
“I’d tell you my cock got instantly hard. What do you have to say about that?”
“I’d say if I were closer I’d handle it for you.”
“Are we back to a challenge?”
“Oh, no, Clay, not at all. It’s a fact. I fantasize about sucking your cock until you come. Of having you fuck me until I come.” His clearing his throat made her laugh. “Sorry you asked now? I can be very blunt. I want to have sex with you, Clay, only with my preferences on occasion.”
“What preferences?” he asked, his mind going crazy trying to figure out what she had in mind.
“Maybe one day you’ll find out. Until then, I think I’ll keep you guessing.”
“That’s fine for now, but in reality, if I don’t know what you want or need, you’ll never get it.”
“If I tell you outright you’ll never see me the same again.”
“Don’t worry about it. Get some sleep. I’ll be waiting for you Sunday. After that, we’ll just take it one day at a time.”
“Clay, just one last thing?” She stumbled for the right phrase.
“Yes?”
“I do like the look of you in your riding leathers.”
Payne, Lillith - His Unconventional Woman (Siren Publishing Classic) Page 15