Phoenyx Rising (Demigods Duet Book 1)

by Kolleen Fraser

  Nod my head. “Having you back means everything to me,” I say, grabbing his face, tears streaming down both our cheeks, I can’t stop touching him. He’s really here.

  “Do you love him? No, don’t answer that.” He brushes the hair away from my face, looking so defeated. It breaks my heart.

  “Silas is an amazing guy. He deserves so much better than someone like me. He's not broken like us,” I say, glancing at the clock. “I should go, if the guards catch me...” I try to pull away from his hands.

  “I don’t care about the guards,” he declares looking angry. “If we’re banished here, we should be able to live our lives and do whatever we want,” he states with confidence. Staring at him, I reach out and place my hand on his warm cheek. My touch causes his eyes to closes. Leaning toward him, I brush my lips against his. So soft and warm, an energy pulses through my entire body. His hands move to the back of my bare thighs, so warm. We curl up together on the couch, laying my head on his shoulder. So many days wasted worrying about where he was.

  He stands up, taking my hand as he guides me until his bed comes into view; stopping me in my tracks. “Just lay with me for a minute, please. I haven’t slept in weeks; it’s so peaceful with you here.”

  I allow him to pull me into his bed, curling myself into his side like so many times before, my cheek resting on his chest. His heartbeat pounds in my ear. Being like this with him again is so calming. I trace the patterns of his tattoos with my finger.

  “I missed you, Ash,” I admit, trying to blink away the tears building in my eyes, but it is useless. They flow down my cheeks as I tell Asher everything I went through while he was gone, everything from then to now. When finished, I can't bring myself to meet his gaze, so ashamed of my behavior. How could anyone love me? I’m a murderer, but so is he. My fingers touch his branding, one count of murder. He doesn't tell me his story, so I assume it's bad. “We’ve both made so many mistakes,” looking away from him. How can we ever move past our history?

  Asher cups my chin and lifts it so I look him in his eyes. He wipes my tears away with his thumb and kisses my trembling lips. “I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I thought leaving would protect you; I was so wrong.” He pulls me into his arms, and I sob into his chest. Ragged cries for the lives we will never lead, for consequences of our mistakes, for love lost and found again. His strong arms wrap around me. I feel a sense of belonging I have never felt before, but guilt snarls in the back of my mind. Ignoring it once again I melt into these arms I’ve missed.

  It takes me a few confusing moments to understand where I am, once my eyes focus, and when I do, panic sets in immediately as I feel a warm body wrapping around mine.

  “Shit!” I jump out of bed and away from Asher. Stumbling, I stub my toe, grabbing my wounded toe, I start chanting, “Son of a motherless whore.”

  Asher sits up in bed, rubbing his palms over his face, trying to wake up. “What's wrong?” he asks, chuckling when he sees me hopping in a circle.

  “What's wrong? What’s wrong? So many freaking things are wrong right now, I don't even know where to begin! I skipped curfew, I snuck out of my room and into yours. If Mason or Dr. Grey catches me, they will kick my ass and send me back to solitary, and I have a boyfriend for Christ sake!” Throwing my arms up in the air, officially freaking out, and shouting to the heavens.

  Asher has a huge smile on his gorgeous face, shaking his head. “Jesus, I forgot how much you swear in the morning,” he points out with a crooked smile.

  I shoot daggers at him. “Ugh!” I yell.

  He sits up and pats the bed beside him. “Isn't it a bit early for a meltdown, babe? Relax. Just pretend you got up early for a run. The good doctor will never know, and as for Silas, nothing happened last night, but if you want my professional opinion... I think you should pick me,” he says with a wink.

  Rolling my eyes at him, I sit on the bed beside him, placing my elbows on my knees with my head in my hands. Sighing, “Why can't my life ever just be simple? I don’t know what to do; just me being here will hurt him, Ash. We've been together for a while.”

  “Do you love him?” he asks again. It's a simple question, a few months ago, the answer was easy. “I do love him, but the way I feel with him and the way I feel with you, it’s not the same,” I respond, trying to make sense of all of this.

  “You don't love him, Nyx; you wouldn’t be in my bed if you did. You can't keep pretending he is going to sweep you off your feet and save you from this place. Leading him on will hurt him more in the end,” he states. Ash reaches out and pushes my mess of curls off my shoulder, pressing his hot, soft lips to my bare skin, and my whole-body shudders against his touch. “Come somewhere with me today,” he requests.

  I stare over my shoulder at him, into his beautiful, hopeful eyes, but shake my head. “I have to go,” stand up, needed some distance from him. He stands and pulls me into his warm embrace. This feeling he gives me; it's like a drug. I manage a whisper, “I have to go, I don't want to be this person.” Shaking my head, the guilt is eating away at me.

  In a rough whisper, he replies, “I am leaving out of the north gate in an hour, meet me.” His breath on my neck sends a shiver rippling down my body.

  “See you around, Ash.” Willing myself not to give in.

  “See you in an hour, Phoenyx Ember,” he calls out before I close the door behind me. With every step, away from him, a cold ache envelope me. The more time I spend with him, the harder it is to leave. I should never have gone to his room last night. What was I thinking?

  In a daze, I run down the stairs all the way to the basement and into the locker room. Grabbing the change of clothes, I keep in my locker, I hit the showers. All I can think about is where he would want to take me today. Just thinking about him makes my whole body come alive the way it used to, and I like it. He makes me feel alive. I want more. By the time I’m showered and dressed my decision is made; I’ll give Asher this one day and talk to Silas tomorrow. After all we've been through, what could one day hurt?

  When I make it back up to my dorm Ianna is awake. Rushing into the room I start rambling to her immediately. “I need you to cover for me today, okay? Just say I need to be alone or I'm sick and puking or in some intense therapy, something awful so no one checks on me, okay?”

  She sits up in bed, rubbing her mess of black hair, yawning. “Slow down, why? What are you really going to be doing today?” she asks with another yawn, stretching.

  “Truth? No judgments?” I ask.

  “Truth, no judgment,” she states, crossing her heart.

  “I'm going to spend the day with Asher Blaze.” I keep still and gage her response.

  She looks at me confused, “Asher... Wait, WHAT?” Oh crap, she's pissed. “You’re taking off with him? What about Silas? You can’t be serious? He's dangerous, Nyx! After everything he put you through!” She jumps up out of bed and is now pacing the floor. “What did he say to you? This is unbelievable, I knew when he showed up here you would fall for him again.”

  “Whoa, you promised no judgments,” I say.

  She stops and looks at me with her eyes squinting. “Oh. My. God, Nyx! That boy is a waste of good mascara and nothing but trouble! What about Silas?” she asks.

  I throw my hands up in surrender. “It's one day, I'm giving him one day. There is so much left between us, and I want to see what it is. I love Silas, but this is Asher we are talking about. I’ve never gotten over him leaving. I need closure,” hoping she will still cover for me. Glancing at the clock; he leaves in ten minutes. “Will you do it? Please, just give us one day to sort out all that was left unsaid between us.” As I change into low-rise jeans and a grab my jacket off the bed, I stare at Ianna. “Please...”

  She sighs and shakes her head, saying, “This will end in disaster, and you know that, right? A heartbreaking, tearful disaster.”

  I nod, admitting I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Would I risk everything with Silas for Ash? Yeah, I am in tr
ouble.

  “Okay fine, go, have fun, be careful! And call me if you need me to bury his body when you come to your senses and kill his sorry ass!” she rants as she hugs me.

  “You’re the best! Love you!” I offer, running out the door.

  Running down the stairs and out the south tower. Keeping my head down as I run through the courtyard toward the north gate, hoping no one sees me. As soon as I am outside the gate, I see him standing beside a shiny black motorcycle with his arms crossed over his chest. Holy hot damn, he is fine. He smiles a crooked smile that means trouble and I laugh out loud as I walk up to him.

  “A bit cliché, isn't it? A bad boy with tattoos, riding a black motorcycle, it’s not very original, is it,” rolling my eyes, pretending not to be impressed. He laughs, pulling his helmet on and passing one to me. After he climbs on and I climb right behind him. He takes my hands, wrapping them around his waist, and pats my knee. We leave the Academy and any common sense I had left, in our dust.

  We spent the day sitting at the lake talking. He tells me about how some rich sponsor from one of his fights provides him with money and a suite at the Academy. When I ask about the tattoos that now cover his body, he removes his shirt and explains each one, the story of his life playing out on his skin. I trace the words; Freewill is an illusion, inked on his ribs. When I ask about its meaning, all he says is, “It's a reminder that no matter what, I will never be in control of my own life.” He pushes me away after that. He is battling some serious demons in that handsome head of his.

  “Why get it tattooed on your skin if it's a bad reminder?”

  “Because memories are unreliable, if I write these things on my skin, no one can take them away. They become a truth that no one can change. Even if it's painful, it's my pain, I own it.”

  “You should get one,” he encourages me, “it will help you heal. The ink we choose overshadows the ink that was forced on us.”

  I like that; my own story on my body. He drives us to a tattoo parlor not far from campus where I stare at the walls, trying to decide what to get while Asher gets a phoenix tattooed on his shoulder, so I will always be close, which is so sexy and sweet. I decide on something small for my first; the word ‘Freedom’ on my left wrist below my brand. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but it's beautiful, and I know I will be back for more.

  Reality sets in when we drive into the Academy parking lot, that evening. As wonderful as today was, coming back here is just a reminder of what a mistake it was to leave with him behind Silas' back. Guilt chokes me; I need to talk to Silas before this gets out of control.

  We pull into the parking lot. I’m still buzzing from my day spent with Asher, but find Silas sitting against the gate, head lowered resting on his arms. I was going to come find him first thing tomorrow.

  “Silas,” I call as I approach him. He looks up at me, his eyes red, defeated. My heart breaks for the pain dancing in his tear-filled eyes.

  “I knew... the second you laid eyes on him. I just knew I had already lost you.” he scoffs, shaking his head. Silas stands up and walks up to Asher, his usually light green eyes are a dark, glaring. “You couldn’t wait, huh? You abandoned her, left her in hell, and now you show up, spouting your lies and she falls for it again,” he spits the words in Asher’s face.

  “She will always pick me, you know that,” Ash says with a smirk.

  Silas lunges at him. His punch connects with a crack through the air, and they are screaming at each other, rolling around on the ground. Grabbing at them, I try to get them to stop. Silas gets up, wipes the blood off his lip, and starts walking away without saying a word.

  “I'm sorry, Silas. I—” is all I get out before he interrupts me.

  “You’re sorry you did it or sorry you got caught? You sneak off with him without a word to me. How long has this been going on? I love you, Nyx. You can't do this to us. When he broke your heart last time, I was the one to pick up the pieces. He is bad news, and you know you can’t trust him. He’s a screw-up, nothing but trash,” he spits out in anger.

  “That's the point, Silas; I am too. You are a good and sweet person, but I am never going to be the girl you want me to be. This future you always talk about, do you think for one second I will be accepted into your world, into your family? I am a murderer, Silas. No one wants me. I am damaged goods, trash, just like him. You deserve better than a screw-up like me,”

  “This is so messed up!” Anger is radiating off him. He walks toward the door a few feet then turns to face me again. “So, I'm not broken enough for you to love me? That’s total crap, Nyx, and you know it. Did you have sex with him?”

  I can't meet his eyes. “Silas, I...”

  He just shakes him head. “You know what? Don't even bother; no answer you give will make this okay. You're absolutely right; I'm not nearly as manipulative and fucked up as you two!” He shakes his head slowly.

  “I'm so sorry...” My heart is being ripped out doing this to him, but I know what I am. I will never be enough for him; it's better to end it, so he can live his life without me. “I'm sorry, Silas; I never wanted to hurt you. We—” I start, but he cut me off.

  “You're sorry, yeah, you said that already, I’m done, I won't stay here and watch you self-destruct again. What we had, it meant something to me. But obviously, I was just another faceless asshole for you to bang until Asher came back,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “I freaking love her and this is all just a game to you.” he screams at Asher before, turning his back on us and walking away.

  What have I done?

  Burst into my bedroom, in a fit of tears, I collapse on the bed sobbing. Ianna rushes over and sits next to me, brushing my hair away from my face. “I knew this would happen, it’ll be okay.”

  I shake my head into the pillow. “Oh, Ianna, what’ve I done?”

  Chapter Twenty

  All my calls to Silas go unanswered. Honestly, I don't blame him for avoiding me. But when open the door to his room my heart plummets, all his stuff is all cleared out. The idea that I might never see him again, stings. Is this really what I wanted? In the long run, I know what I have with either of them won’t last, but I can’t let Silas leave like this, I need to find him.

  An hour later I spot him carrying his bags toward the front gate, where a car is waiting. This is it, he really is leaving. I knew it would happen eventually but he thinks I cheated on him; he needs to know I love him. My heart clenches with pain at the thought of never seeing him again, my Silas, the only sun in my stormy life. I have ruined him like I ruin everything.

  “Silas, wait!” I call out to him as he is getting into his town car. “Please don't leave like this. Nothing happened with Asher, I’m just so confused. Please, don’t leave me.”

  He grabs my hand and placed it over his heart and with his other hand, pushes a curl out of my face and tucks it behind my ear, then brushes the fallen tears off my cheek with his thumb.

  “I will love you forever, Phoenyx Ember. Don't ever forget that.” He presses his soft lips to mine and whispers against my lips, “This is a mistake.” He is holding me so tight, “He will hurt you. He will never love you as much as I do but I can’t make you see the truth. I can’t protect you from this.” A tear falls down his cheek; I wipe it away with my shaky fingers.

  “I can’t stand the thought of never seeing you again. I need you, please don't hate me,” I plead desperately. Silas takes my hand off his cheek and steps away from me.

  “I could never hate you, that's always been my problem. I can't watch him take away everything I love. Be careful, Nyx, don’t trust alone, there is so much you don’t know. I love you.” He kisses me on the forehead; then he turns his back on me, climbs in the back of the town car, and it drives away, out of my life forever. I collapse in the dirt crying over letting the best thing in my life slip through my fingers.

  With the campus is deserted, Asher and I end up spending a lot of time together. I try to relax and have fun, but our battered past always s
eems to taint us. The pain I caused Silas makes me sick. So, I bury those feelings. I take it one day at a time as Asher and we get to know each other again.

  Asher and I are like an old photograph of a haunted house— harmless looking, even beautiful on the outside, until you look closely and see the twisted ghosts lurking in the broken windows. Starting a relationship, if you can call it that, with lies and deceit is the worse way to begin our lives together, but a fitting one; we are nothing if not dysfunctional and broken. Neither of us have any idea how to be in love or how to function in a normal relationship, but we try, and it’s a futile attempt. Silas’ departure was the nail in our coffin. I felt sick with guilt over hurting him, sick with guilt over sulking about Silas instead of enjoying myself with Asher. How could I be happy with Asher at the expense of Silas? Convincing myself that Silas would have left me eventually, but I don’t believe my own lies.

  I have been staying in Asher's suite with him for a week now. My need for clean clothes has me down on the dreaded dorm floor where memories flood back and I am feeling like everything is slipping away from me. Walking into my room has my heart aching. Summer if the hardest, I miss Ianna so much. A piece of paper sticking out from under my pillow catches my attention. I walk over, taking the paper in my hands, and sit down.

  Phoenyx,

  I will never regret a single day I spent loving you.

  You deserve better than him. You deserve better than the life you are punishing yourself by living. You know you do. I hope you will see the goodness in yourself, like I do. I hope one day you will be free of the hold they have over you.

  I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. Wear this

  always and he can’t control you.

  I love you always,

  Silas

  Something shiny catches my eye under the edge of the pillow. It's Silas’ necklace. I pull it out and dangle it from my fingertips. I’ve never seen it off him. I’ve always loved it. There is a word engraved in the back, ‘Shield.’ I grasp it in my palm and hold it to my chest, missing him so much it’s hard to breathe. How can a necklace prevent me from being controlled? Slipping the chain over my head, the pendant falls against my heart. It's warm and comforting, like Silas. A tear escapes my eye.