Without warning, Mason jerks the door open to a furious looking Asher, who stares at Mason, shirtless, his eye shoot to me just as I am pulling on my panties. There is no doubt what we just did. Rage flashes in Asher's eyes. Refusing to care, I touch Mason's chest on my way out. “Thanks, Jake.” I whisper against his cheek before I push past Asher. The party is at a standstill; all eyes are on us. Just great.
“What was that? Did you just fuck Mason in the bathroom?” Asher rages toward me. The need to get out of there is high but first, I want to rub salt into the wound and end this once and for all. I spin around and face the biggest mistake I ever made.
“No, Asher, he fucked me, hard, and I loved every moment.” spitting the words out like the venom could kill him.
Still numb from the alcohol, I barely feel the back of Asher’s hand as it strikes across my cheek. Stumbling back a few steps, I hat don't let his blow stop me from righting myself and slapping him back.
“Screw you, Asher Blaze! You’re disgusting. Don't ever touch me again.”
He grabs my hand before I can smack him again. He has the nerve to look betrayed. Even now, he is a selfish bastard.
“Why?” he utters one word, but after everything he's done to me, it's one too many.
“Why? You are seriously asking me why? Because I’ve always wanted to, because he loves me, and because I wanted you to feel betrayed. I want you to feel dead and empty inside. I gave up everything for you and you weren't worth it! It doesn't matter why, we’re done.”
“I thought you loved me.” He has the nerve to act wounded. The nerve of him to bang a girl in front of me then act hurt when I do the same.
“Ha! Every time you stuck your dick in another girl, I loved you less and less. You do the math. You’re free to bang whoever you want, and so will I. It's called a breakup.” I push passed everyone. “Have a nice life. I hope your dick rots off.” I hear a few laughs and gasps through the crowd.
The effects of every drink I had tonight, hits me. Running from the room, I stumble down the stairs, bursting into the courtyard, before falling to my knees and emptying the contents of my stomach on the grass.
I had sex with Mason, as revenge for Ash banging Imari, how did life get so twisted? Why couldn’t I see him for who he was before I threw everything away? A ragged sob burst out of me. I sit there in the grass, crying in the dark, alone. Why am I always alone? Why can't anyone just love me? Jake loves you.
I hear the door burst open as Asher comes running toward me. He stops, seeing me collapsed in the grass crying. “I'm so sorry.” He pulls my hair back gently. His voice is gentle, pleading.
I shake my head at his words. “Why do you hate me so much?” Another sob erupts in my chest.
Ianna comes into view behind Asher. “Are you okay, Nyx?”
Asher steps in front of her, blocking me from her view. “She's fine, I have this under control.”
Ianna pushes him back, yelling, “I think you've ruined her life enough already!”
Staring up at them, pity radiating out of their eyes. I hate when people look at me like this. With tears running down my cheeks, I say, “It's okay, really. Go back to the party, I'm going home.”
With a sigh, she glares at Asher and walks back inside, mumbling “asshole” under her breath. When we are alone again, Asher steps toward me, offering me his hand. Smacking it away, not wanting his help, I try to make it to my feet without his help. The world suddenly spins too fast. Asher catches me in his arms before I fall and carries me inside.
Sitting on my bed, with my head in my hands. How did we get back to my room, which is currently spinning on its axis. I can’t get the images out of my mind—Asher’s hands on her body, Masons hands on me. I have been such a fool, a naïve, desperate fool. Mason didn’t even use a condom. What a huge disaster. I never thought I would stoop as low as Asher, now look at me.
Why did I let this happen? Why can’t he love me, why wasn’t I enough for him? For anyone? Tears stream down my cheeks, I have stopped bothering to wipe them, and they fall onto my shaking legs. Asher appears in the doorway with a glass of water and freezes. Seeing me sitting there, broken by his hands, again, hot tears streaming down my face. I stare at this man I loved, wondering how we fell so far. Betrayal is clawing at my chest, breaking my heart into a million pieces.
“How can you keep doing this to me? Acting like I don’t matter to you. When did you start hating me? You loved me once, Ash. Before you left me, you were different, I’m sure you loved me.”
He won't look at me; he is stubborn in his resolve to crush my soul. “I never told you I loved you. I pitied you at first. You were sitting there so afraid, I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do; all I knew is that I was supposed to be your friend. You were sad, I felt sorry for you,” he mumbles, still not meeting my eyes.
I flinch at his words, like he struck me. Standing up on shaky legs, I walk up to him as he finally meets my gaze; rear back and slap his face with every ounce of emotion that is ripping me apart. A ragged sob bursts out of me. Sitting back down before the room starts spinning again.
“If you never loved, what was this between us?” I ask.
Shaking his head, “Nyx, you want the truth?” He is looking at me with desperation.
“That's all I have ever wanted from you,” I answer with a sigh.
“You'll never understand! Even if I try to explain it, he will make sure you won’t remember,” he rants, pacing now, hands in his hair. “It was him. He said I had to take care of you, make sure you weren't lonely. I was supposed to just be your friend, but I saw how alone you were. You wanted someone to love you, but I didn’t know how, I wanted to make you happy, and then we had sex. I thought he would kill me, he was so pissed I tried to reason with him, I thought if I left, he wouldn’t be able to use me anymore.” It came out in a rush. I have no idea what he was talking about.
“Who are you talking about?” I ask in confusion.
“After I left, I was living on the street, trying to avoid trackers, fighting to survive. He found me, said he needed a fire chaser, and promised me money and fame, promised me a future, told me I needed to keep you away from Silas, and I would be guaranteed a place in the Titans if I made sure you came with me. He knew how much I wanted to be a Titan, I said no.” His head lowered in shame, “My next fight I flew into a rage, killing my opponent. I know he compelled me, there is no denying Marcus, he gets what he wants, one way or another.”
“The Titans,” I whispered. I knew how much the Titans meant to him. He would do anything to be one of them but blaming everything on Marcus was an easy cop out.
“Nyx,” he pleads, it's almost a whisper. All I see when I look at him is lies, he whispered promises to me he never intended to keep. My body starts to shiver. He walks over to me, falling to his knees in front of me. Resting his head against my knees.
“I'm sorry I hurt you. No one says no to Marcus! You don't understand. You don't remember him; you have no idea what he is capable of. Nyx, Marcus, is the boy from your flashes, he’s alive! If I could’ve saved you from anything in this world, it would have been him. He has messed with your head and your life so many times. He is a dangerous man. Everything, he controls everything! The other girls, it was the only way I felt in control. He forced me to be your savior. I never wanted to hurt you.”
There is heartbreak in his voice. When he looks up into my eyes, there are tears clinging onto his eyelashes. His dark eyes look tortured. I ask a million silent questions as a fresh wave of tears pour down my cheeks. I don't understand any of this. The boy from my flashes, my brother, is dead. I was charged with his death. None of this makes any sense, lies, all lies.
“Stop,” I whisper, shaking my head slowly. I loved him so much; it kills me to walk away. When I try to stand, his hands hold me still.
“Don't leave me, Nyx, please... I can't do this without you. I don’t know what he will do to me if you don’t stay.” I can feel the pain in his voice. It
tears at the open wound in my heart.
“I can't.” I stand up, he stays on his knees.
“No!” He grabs my hands, pleading. “No, Nyx, it was a stupid mistake. The other girls, I promise it won’t ever happen again. We can finish the year; go into training. Everything will be better once we become Titans, trust me.”
At those words, I drop his hands and step away from the first boy I have ever loved.
“That’s just it, isn’t it? I don't trust you. You spout off all this nonsense that magically absolves you from any wrong doing, but the fact is you, Asher, you did all these things. You broke my heart, you cheated on me. I will never join the Titans, for you or anyone else. After everything I've been through, that's the last thing I want. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. I gave you everything, and all you did was take. I don't want to hear you justify the pain you've caused me. Don't talk to me. Don't touch me; just stay the hell away from me.” I turn my back on him for good.
“I love you,” he states in desperation.
I shake my head, I have been desperate to hear those words, but now they mean less than nothing coming from him.
“You don’t know what love is. You made me fall in love with you with your lies; you took my heart, my body, and my soul. You left me empty and hollow, for what? So you could be famous. You are the most selfish person I have ever met. Get out.” Pushing him toward the door.
When it closes behind him, I throw the first thing I can get my hands on at the door. Standing there praying he leaves and never comes back, then in the next breath, praying he does come back to me, saying all the right things that will soothe this pain. Closing my eyes against that thought. No, this is the right choice. I choose me, finally. No looking back. This is my life. It’s time to start living it… after I throw up, of course.
Every time I think I am safe, the floor drops out for under me. My only choice of a future here is the Titans or Army, but I want to run from it all. The Academy with its high walls, reminding me I am a prisoner. Asher's face and his betrayal. It is all just too much. Everywhere I look, memories of my mistakes haunt me. Hating myself for my choices, my powers. In the rubble of my heart, I plot my escape from the Academy and off this godforsaken island. I will get away; I will be free.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The barn nightmare wakes me, grabbing my pillow; I pull it to my chest. A ragged sob rips through me. Even after all these years, that dream still overwhelms me with crippling desperation. This memory is day one of life as I know it.
I have only dreams of my past, small wisps of memories. As far as I know, I came to life in the smoldering remains of that barn. Reborn from the fire and ash of a life I don't know. I want to believe I am not the murderer they say I am. I want a lot of things that I can never have.
There's a knock at the door. I crawled myself into bed not long ago, waking up curled into the toilet was not a great way to end my night. Ianna pops her head in, a sad, sympathetic smile on her face. She must have stayed with Kai to avoid listening to me crying and throwing up half the night.
“I brought you some coffee,” she says, holding out two steaming cups of heaven. I take a mug and lean against the headboard. Ianna sits beside me. Cradling the hot cup in my hands, I let my head fall back against the headboard, closing my eyes.
With a sigh, I say, “Please tell me last night was all just a horrible nightmare, that my life isn't a wreck, again.”
“Last night, you took control of your life—though not everyone does it with quite as much reckless abandonment as you but it was a step in the right direction.”
“I'm so done, Ianna, I can't stay here one more minute.”
She sighs, rolling her eyes as she stands up. “Are we pretending you have another option?” She crosses her arms. “I take it you aren't coming to class then.”
I get up out of bed, trying to distance myself from the topic. “No, I just can't, Ianna! If I have to see his face every day, I will straight-up murder his ass.”
The memory of Asher telling me he never loved me will be burned into my soul forever. I just can't see him every day. Tears cloud my vision and I blink them away, refusing to let them fall. He doesn’t deserve any more of my tears. Taking a deep breath, I square my shoulders and turn to face her.
“I need to find out who I am, who I want to be, without him or the Academy,” I explain with total confidence, hoping she is buying it. I need to find out who this Marcus guy really is, if he is even real, and what he has to do with Asher and me.
“I get that, Nyx, but don't let him chase you away from your home, your dreams, or your future!” Ianna preaches.
“I don't have a home, Ianna, or dreams, or a future here. This is all just a cage to me. Can’t you see that?”
With a sigh, she hugs me. “As long as there is breath in my body, you have a home. You are my sister in everything but blood. Don’t you ever forget that.” Tears are forming in both our eyes. Standing, she declares, “Enough heavy. Sleep it off. Text me if you need me, love you.” She walks out the door.
Ianna is the last good thing left in my life. Without her, I don't think I could have survived.
Leaving without telling her is the hardest thing I have ever done, but she would only talk me out of it. Filling a bag with clothes, food, and as much money as I can get my hands on. Jesse should be on gate this morning. It may take some convincing for him to agree to let me through, but I don't anticipate any problems from him. Getting off the island won't be easy, but keeping off the trackers’ radar once I'm out there that will be my greatest challenge. Leaving a note for Ianna, saying I love her and goodbye, I prepare to walk away from this place forever.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The plan is I will go into hiding the second my feet touch the mainland. With a backpack, a handful of cash, and a plan—to find Silas, beg his forgiveness, and see if he can help me find information on Marcus.
I didn't say it was a good plan.
Walking up to the gate, Adam steps out of the gatehouse with an evil smirk on his face. Here we go.
“Oh, please tell me you've skipped class to come to give me a BJ. I'm having a hell of a day,” he offers, raking his eyes up and down my body.
Jesse I can handle; Adam is a whole other bag of asshole. He is as slimy and untrustworthy as they come. Nothing short of a BJ will get him to look the other way. Good news is I have been trained in hand-to-hand combat; bad news so has he. I decide to try the easy way first, hoping by some miracle Adam won’t be the world’s biggest douchebag.
“Actually, I was going to sneak out. I just need a day off, and you know how it is,” I answer with a sweet smile. Here goes nothing. I walk to the gate, resting my hand on the handle.
“Whoa, there. You can't just leave; you know Saturdays are the only day you are allowed out of here. You trying to get me fired?” He looks annoyed and has stepped between me and my only escape.
I sigh. “Hard way it is,” I mumble.
“What did you—?” He starts to speak, but my elbow shattering his nose shuts him up. He bends over for a moment, cradling his face, moaning in pain. I grab him by the hair and smash his head into the side of the gatehouse. He falls unconscious at my feet. Glancing around to see if anyone saw, thankfully no one is around to witness me drag his body into the gatehouse, propping him against the wall and for good measure, I cuff him to the chair.
“Sorry,” I apologize before taking the money from his wallet and the keys to his car. The staff parking lot is close but filled with cars, clicking his keyless remote until I hear his horn honk. A red mustang, I roll my eyes. “Is there no end to your douche-baggery?”
I climb behind the wheel, carefully pulling out onto the main road, I have only seen people drive on TV and I send a thank you to Adam for having an automatic. After an hour, I pull off the road to regroup and figure out what I'm going to do next. Opening the map, I see the only transport off the island is an hour’s drive south. Security will be extremely high. The
only way I can do this is if I steal someone’s ID; maybe stage a distraction to get on the ship to the mainland, but what.
The congestion at the terminal is overwhelming when I arrive. This being the only way on or off the island makes it like a maximum-security prison. The 'normal' people pay good money to make sure people like me don't get out. I park his car in a lot far away and walk through the crowd, taking in everything, like my training taught me. I see a girl who looks about my age and has red hair like mine. Following her into the bathroom, I knock her unconscious. Not my finest hour, and, sadly, proves exactly why I am banished here to begin with, but I am determined to step foot off this island if it's the last thing I do. Pocketing her ID and paperwork, that are required to leave. I keep my head down and join in the line. My name is Sarah Boroughs, my name is Sarah Boroughs, I repeat in case they ask me.
We all shuffle along, getting closer to freedom with every step. Staring ahead at the tracker who is checking the arms of each person as they pass. My heart is pounding in my chest; my brain is running a mile a minute. What am I going to do? I would draw more attention to myself if I stepped out of line this close to the gate. My hands are shaking and prickling with unspent flames at the ready. I'm clutching onto all the hope in the world when chaos breaks out in the line beside mine. Someone is tries to break through the heavily guarded gate. The trackers take him down and drag him off swiftly. He was twice my size, if not more, and he didn't get through. What chance do I have? But it's too late now, I'm next.
“Papers,” he demands.
I shove them at him. He squints his eyes at me, unfolding my papers and reading over them. He enters a few things on his computer, looks back at me, back down at my papers. I don't breathe and I don't look him in the eye. I’m so terrified.
“Miss?” he commands, snapping my attention to his severe face. He is holding out the crumpled papers. I reach out to take them, but he doesn't let go. He just stares at me. He touches his ear piece, listening to someone giving orders, his eyes never leaving mine.
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