The shards of the old aquarium were lying around the floor and I thought that probably Dina hadn’t thrown them out on purpose because the fishies had gotten used to them. Dina had a lot of really nice toys and things in her room, I really liked the red truck with the real folding ladder, like actual firemen have, and I’d asked if I could take it home, but Dina would say that it was important not to change anything in this room because sometimes patients come, me included, and see what they’re used to seeing, and that makes them feel calmer. So I wasn’t surprised when I saw the shards of the old aquarium.
All the fishies had hidden somewhere—they were probably getting used to the new aquarium—but one fishie was in the person’s mouth, a really pretty one, red-haired and fuzzy. Its lips moved in such a pretty way that I just stood there and looked at it, I couldn’t look away. The fishie said something to me, but I couldn’t make it out because fishies rarely talk and it was probably hard for it to pronounce the words. I was awfully glad that the fishie was looking at me, they almost never look at me. I asked it to swim a little closer, but it said that I should come closer because it couldn’t walk. I realized that, after all, it doesn’t have legs, I really must have gotten tired that day and was thinking really slowly.
I came over to the fishie and saw that what I thought was a person wasn’t actually one at all. It was really just a second fishie, very white and smooth. I thought it would talk to me too, but it just lay there looking at the ceiling. I wasn’t offended because that’s just how fishies are. The little red-haired fishie was so warm-looking, its fur was so nice and soft that I asked if I could touch it, I had never touched a fishie before, but it told me that first I had to do something for it. It said that on the far side of the aquarium is a little table and that I should go there, get the notebook and come back.
I went, but it was really hard to walk even though there wasn’t that much water, but I must have gotten really tired, plus all my clothes were wet. I came back with the notebook. The fishie was talking really quietly, but meanwhile someone had started to bang on the walls of the aquarium from the outside and I heard shouts and thought: “Serves you right.”
I knew they wanted me to look at them, but the fishies never looked at me when I banged and shouted, so I decided that those people could wait. The little red-haired fishie was talking really quietly now, it probably didn’t want anyone to hear us. It said that I should open the notepad where the pencil is and tear out that page. On the page was my name and in front of it “5:10,” and nothing else. I asked why, because Dina had always taught me not to do what others tell me to if I don’t understand and they don’t want to explain. The fishie said: “That’s how it has to be.” I thought about it and decided this was like if Dina herself had said “that’s how it has to be,” and tore out the page with my name and the numbers. Then the fishie said that Dina said that I should eat this page. I asked the fishie where Dina was and it said that Dina had to go and urgently tend to important business, but she had really insisted that I eat this page. I started to get angry because I’m important business, too, I had come and waited, waited, waited, and now she left, and I asked the fishie if Dina had gone with that bald jerk, but the fishie said no, Dina was really looking forward to my visit, but something really urgent had come up and Dina needs me to help her, and to do that, I have to eat the page with my name on it. I chewed it up and ate it.
Outside they were yelling and banging with all their might, but I didn’t care about that. Fishies never care when there’s banging and shouting. The fishie talked slower and slower, I think it was really not easy for it to get used to this new aquarium. The fishie said that Dina asked that I put the notepad back on the table and then leave and run home and that I should try to make sure no one saw me. I had never climbed out a window before, I knew it was dangerous to climb out of windows, and Mom would be really mad and so would Dina, but the fishie told me that was how it had to be. I asked: “Is that what Dina said?” And the fishie nodded. I asked if I could touch it and the fishie nodded. I touched its red fur, it was so soft and lovely that all of a sudden I felt unbearably sad, I don’t know why. The fishie whispered that it was time for me to go.
I said that Dina and I always made our next appointment before I left. I said that it’s three minutes to six and that I have the right to ask one question. The fishie said that this time I just have to go. I said it wasn’t fair, I ate the page like Dina asked, and now the fishie has to answer my question, and that Dina always played fair with me. The fishie closed its eyes, but I understood that I could ask a question. I asked why the white smooth fish was lying on its back, but the red-haired fishie was silent. I said: “Did it die?” because one time I saw a fishie in the butcher’s aquarium lying on its back and the butcher explained to me that fishies only lie on their backs when they’re dead. The red-haired fishie said: “No.”
I was surprised, but Dina never lied to me, so I believed it. I asked if I could take the red truck with me to play with. The fishie said quickly: “No, absolutely not, don’t take anything from here, Valerii, nothing at all! Go!” I asked why the old aquarium had shattered. The fishie didn’t say anything, it was breathing very hard, but I asked: “Did my cat do that?” The fishie nodded. I said that I’m awfully sorry and I’m really trying to train him but he’s totally deranged. I felt awfully ashamed that the cat had shattered Dina’s aquarium, I kept apologizing and apologizing, but then one wall of the aquarium started to crack because someone outside was trying to break it, and the fishie gave me such a look that I put the notepad back on the table, climbed out the window and went home.
I was so angry at my cat, I could have killed him if he had pulled any more tricks that day, but it was like the cat knew how angry I was at him and was very well behaved. For some reason I couldn’t even yell at him about Dina’s aquarium. Every day I asked Mom if Dina had called, and finally Mom told me that Dina had gone away on important business. So now I could look at fishies only at the butcher’s.
When the butcher and the man in the suit finally came out of the back room and the man left, the butcher came up to me and started looking at the fishies too. I said that I like red-haired fishies and not white ones, but that all his fishies are pretty. The butcher handed me my bag of meat, and I held out some money. I waited for him to say: “We’ll settle up next time,” and then I would have said: “We’re all in the same boat,” but he said that he has nothing to give me change with because today I was the only customer.
I thought about it and said: “We’ll settle up next time.” That sounded very nice, but the butcher said there wouldn’t be a next time, because tomorrow his shop was going to close. I got really upset and asked: “Why?” and the butcher said that it was because of some papers. I didn’t understand and asked again and the butcher didn’t say: “That’s how it has to be,” but instead explained that the shop had stopped making money and he had “drawn a couple phony papers” so they wouldn’t close the shop, but the man in the suit had figured it out, and now the shop was going to close anyway, so today he wouldn’t take my money, and I should say hello to Mom. I told the butcher that if he wanted to he could give the papers he had drawn to me and I would eat them, I already ate papers one time and I was totally fine afterward, I’m really sturdy and strong. The butcher told me again that I’m a good person. That felt really nice. I asked him what would happen to his fishies and he said he’d take them home. I told him that that’s very good because I wouldn’t be able to take them home: my cat is deranged and God only knows how that would end.
THE BUTTON
To Masha and Ilya
When my mom died, I behaved very well. Aunt Nonna and her son Zero, my cousin, came and told me that Mom wasn’t coming back from the hospital because she died. I behaved really well: I offered them a seat and asked if they wanted tea, but they didn’t want any. I offered them coffee, juice, and cookies, there was still some of the borscht Mom had made, I didn’t know if I should offer it, but they
didn’t want anything.
I sat there and felt the way I did the day my friend Dina went away and also when I thought that my cat had died and gone to hell, and went down to hell to get him back. I asked Aunt Nonna if Mom had really died and she said: yes, really. I asked a couple more times just to make sure because when I feel the way I did then, I tend to not understand things, sometimes I understand something totally different from what I’m told, even when I think that I understand that exact thing. I asked a couple of times to make sure I understood, correctly, that Mom had died.
Then I politely warned Aunt Nonna and Zero that now I would go to my room and scream. Mom and Dina always taught me that if I feel like something is overwhelming me and I have to run around or hit something with my fists or scream, like now, it’s best to warn people before it starts so they don’t get scared and try to tie me up or call the police, or something else, because I’m really strong and at times like that I don’t even know what I’m doing and might kill the person trying to tie me up.
So, very politely, I warned Aunt Nonna and Zero that I’m about to start screaming and also I had time to ask them to warn the neighbors, the way Mom always had. I went to my room and started screaming. I screamed and screamed, my mouth even started to hurt, but I just couldn’t stop screaming. I guess Aunt Nonna and Zero had only warned the right- and left-hand neighbors because the downstairs neighbors started banging on the radiator, but by then I had almost finished screaming and didn’t attack the radiator with my fists like the day Dina went away without even saying goodbye.
I had injured my hand badly on the radiator that day, but now I was almost done screaming. My mouth and throat really hurt, but it hurt less inside my chest. I got the cat, who always hides when I’m screaming, out from under the bed and told him that Mom died. My cat is really stupid and totally deranged, so I explained to him several times that Mom died so that he could understand it properly. I think he understood, even though he’s really stupid, because I explained it to him very thoroughly. Then I got up from the floor and went to the kitchen. Aunt Nonna and Zero were sitting at the table, Aunt Nonna looked really scared, she was crying, I offered them borscht just in case, because it was lunchtime, but they didn’t want any, and I warmed the borscht up myself, got out some bread and juice and ate my lunch, and then I put some food in the cat’s bowl. I always took care of the cat myself, Mom let me get a cat so that I could take care of him myself.
Aunt Nonna and Zero said that today I’d be spending the night at their house. I asked them why, and they said that they didn’t want to leave me alone. I said that I had been alone for two days while Mom was in the hospital and had behaved myself and fed the cat. I showed them that I had gone for fresh bread every morning, so my bread was from today, and I said that yesterday I went to arts and crafts even though usually Mom took me and I’m not allowed to go down to the subway without Mom, so I walked to arts and crafts and was late, but Anya, who teaches arts and crafts, said it was OK, and then she walked me home.
I told Aunt Nonna and Zero that I could be left alone until I finish the borscht. Then I can eat bread and what I always buy for Mom and me on my own—herring, cheese, butter, salami, tomatoes, watermelon, candy, and jam, but not in glass. I’m not allowed to buy things in glass because I might break them and cut myself on the way home. Also I’m not allowed to turn the stove on without Mom, but I can eat the cheese and bread raw, and I don’t need to turn anything on for the cat.
But Aunt Nonna and Zero said that tonight I’d be spending the night at their house. Dina taught me that only she, Mom, the doctor, and policemen have the right to tell me what to do without explaining anything, and that I have the right to ask everyone else “Why?” as many times as I need to understand. I was going to start asking “Why?” but all of a sudden I realized that I was awfully tired and almost asleep and that I didn’t care where I spent the night.
We went downstairs and got into Zero’s car. As it turned out, Zero’s wife Lena had been waiting for us there the whole time. I greeted her and asked politely how she was, and she said she was good. When we got to Aunt Nonna’s house, I asked where I would sleep and was told it would be in the room where Zero had stayed back when he was little. Aunt Nonna made up a bed for me there while I sat in the kitchen with Zero and his wife. They offered me tea and cake, and I said I wouldn’t say no, and ate two pieces of cake and drank tea, and nearly fell asleep.
Aunt Nonna took me to my room and asked if I needed help getting undressed and that Zero, if need be, could come and help me, but I said no thanks, I could get undressed by myself, and got undressed to show her that I can manage on my own. Aunt Nonna said I was a good boy and turned off the light. I lay down in bed and started to wait for Mom to come kiss me, but then I remembered that Mom had died and all of a sudden I started to scream again even though I wasn’t intending to and hadn’t had time to warn anyone.
Zero ran over, but I didn’t bother talking to him, I needed to scream so that it would stop hurting inside my chest and I could fall asleep. Zero is much smaller than me even though he’s a year older, I could have hit him and chased him away if I had felt like it, but it hurt so much that I didn’t even feel like it, I just wanted to scream and not to hit anyone. This was new and scary: I always knew who was hurting me and even wanted to kill them, but now I didn’t want to kill anyone. Zero left, I screamed some more, it stopped hurting inside my chest, and I fell asleep.
When I woke up and Aunt Nonna gave me breakfast, Zero showed up again, this time without his wife, and they told me to go to my room because they needed to talk. I said that I had to go home and feed the cat, and Zero said he would drive me. I went to my room and saw what I hadn’t noticed the night before because I was so tired: Aunt Nonna was remodeling her apartment. Way back when, Mom and I had remodeled our apartment too, and I was allowed to tear the old wallpaper off the walls. I went back to the kitchen to ask if I could tear the old wallpaper off the walls.
Aunt Nonna and Zero were talking about me just then, I got worried and asked if I was behaving myself and Aunt Nonna said that I was behaving really well. I asked why they were talking about me, and Zero said: “Valerii, go to your room,” and Aunt Nonna asked if I wanted to live with her. Zero said: “Mom!” and I saw that he was very upset. I was also upset and said I didn’t want to live with her, I wanted to live at home because that’s where all my books and games and medicines are, plus I have to feed the cat. Aunt Nonna said she didn’t know if I could live by myself and I said that I wouldn’t be living alone, I would be living with the cat, and again Zero said: “Mom!” And Aunt Nonna started to cry and said that she didn’t know what to do. I remembered about the wallpaper and asked if I could tear it off in Zero’s old room and Zero said: “No!” and Aunt Nonna said: “Yes,” and I thought that since Aunt Nonna was older than Zero, I should listen to her, and went to tear off the wallpaper.
I was already a little agitated that my cat was at home unfed. I tore the wallpaper off one wall and went to the kitchen to ask Zero if he would drive me home soon. They were still talking about me, Aunt Nonna was crying, and Zero said that it would happen soon and that I should go tear the wallpaper. I went and tore it off a second wall and saw a big red button under the wallpaper. It said “Launch” on it. I wasn’t allowed to turn on any appliances without asking Mom, but Mom died, so I went to the kitchen again and asked if I could press the red button under the wallpaper.
Aunt Nonna and Zero got scared and ran to my room with me. I thought they would press it right away, but they started pacing around it and worrying. Zero said that they should call the contractors and figure out what the button was connected to. By that point the contractors were putting new wallpaper in Aunt Nonna’s bedroom, they had already torn off the old wallpaper, and I was really sorry that they had done it without me. Zero went to get the contractors, and Aunt Nonna followed him, and I heard them talking about something through the wall.
I thought that neither Zero nor A
unt Nonna had told me “No” when I had asked if I could press the button. If other people couldn’t give me an answer, I was supposed to ask Mom, but Mom died and when I couldn’t ask anyone I knew how to make my own decision. First I had to ask myself what I was going to do. I asked myself and answered: “Press the red button.” Then I had to ask myself if this could harm me or others. I asked myself and answered: “No.” Then I had to ask myself if afterward I would be able to put everything back how it was before. I wasn’t going to move anything around or break anything, so I answered: “Yes.” That’s how I made my own decision and pressed the button with my finger.
That made a memory appear in my head, which I didn’t even know was there: I remembered Mom holding me in her arms and lifting me up to the light switch so I could turn the light off by myself. In that memory I wasn’t gray-haired like now but red-haired. My hair went gray when I was three, after what happened happened. Though, after what happened happened, I started to grow really quickly and get strong. Before what happened happened, I had been ordinary.
Found Life Page 27