In the memory the button showed me, I saw myself pushing the button and the light turning off. Mom wants to put me down, but I quickly press the button again and the light comes on, and I laugh. Then Mom tells me to stop fooling around because it’s hard for her to keep holding me, she’s going to put me down, but I quickly press the switch again and the light turns on again, and I laugh again. I could really feel how fun it was to trick Mom in that memory and I felt ashamed. Mom always said that I grew up to be a really good person, but all of a sudden I understood that back when I was ordinary, I wasn’t a very good person. It’s really hard to be a good person, and sometimes I have to give myself green and red cards for good and bad deeds to make myself be good when I don’t want to be. I thought that now I’m going to have to start using red and green cards on myself and on the cat because it’s going to be way harder for me to be a good person now that Mom is dead and can’t scold me when I do something wrong.
I was standing there and looking at the red button, trying to figure out if I should press it again or if I had already discovered everything there was to discover. Then the contractors came with Zero and Aunt Nonna and started examining the button. They were afraid to press it and said that they would call an electrician and check if the button was connected to the electricity. I was told to get away from the button and go to the kitchen and ask Lena for more tea.
In the kitchen Lena and Zero were fighting about me, Lena was saying that if I lived by myself instead of with Aunt Nonna, then Zero would have to go check on me every day, and Zero was saying that he couldn’t leave me with Aunt Nonna because I’m a crazy thug. Then Lena said that there was a third option, but Zero said to her: “God forbid.” That’s when they noticed me. I told Lena that I really am a crazy thug, but I try to be a good person and as long as I’m a good person I have to live at home so I can train the cat. Also I said that now I would try even harder to be a good person because Mom isn’t around anymore so the responsibility for the cat’s behavior and my own falls on me, and I’ll start using the red and green cards again to force myself. I was super scared. I knew well what the third option was. Lena looked at Zero, and Zero told me to go back to my room.
I went to my room. I was really scared, which is rare because I’m really big and strong, but that’s the third option for you. Also I was getting more and more nervous about the cat because the cat is stupid and rowdy and you can’t leave him alone for long, especially if he’s unfed. There wasn’t anyone in the room. I thought for a long time and decided to press the button again after all, though I really didn’t want to. I pressed the button. At first I thought it wasn’t working, but I kept holding it down and remembered standing with Mom and Mom wanting to press the button for the elevator, and then that thing starts to happen and I start screaming and trying to hit Mom. In that memory my head wasn’t red-haired but bandaged in white because that was right after the hospital, after what happened happened. Within that memory is another one, inside my bandaged head, about the elevator, and I try to hit Mom so she doesn’t make me go into the elevator.
My hand quickly shot back from the red button, but it was like a little part of me had stayed in that memory, even in the memory inside the memory, because I was in a lot of pain and really wanted to scream. I closed my eyes and started to repeat, loudly: “Blue, blue, blue, blue!” and picturing blue because I recently figured out that blue calms me down when that thing is right about to happen. I didn’t even know there was a time when I was capable of hitting Mom, however small I may have been then. I realized that being a good person would be even harder for me than I thought because now that Mom died I’ll have to know things about myself that she used to know, and I didn’t have to know them, but now there’s no way out. I really didn’t like these things, I was awfully mad at the button and wanted to hit it, so I kept repeating: “Blue, blue, blue, blue!” really loudly.
Aunt Nonna and Lena came running at the sound of my voice, and Zero shouted from the kitchen: “Oh leave him alone, he’s fine!” And I really was fine already, I pictured blue a little more, though, then opened my eyes and told Aunt Nonna and Lena that I’m fine. Lena looked at Aunt Nonna the way she had looked at Zero before, and Aunt Nonna asked if I wanted food or tea. I politely said that I didn’t, but that I was really worried about the cat, the cat is definitely hungry. I asked when Zero would drive me home.
The electrician arrived and started to look at the button and touch it with a little metal pencil, then said that the button is connected to the electricity, but he doesn’t know what it does. I didn’t want to be next to the button anymore and was actually awfully agitated about the cat. I said that I had a big responsibility now, and asked again when Zero would drive me home. Aunt Nonna called Zero in from the kitchen, where Lena was feeding him lunch along with the contractors, but she didn’t talk to him about me. Instead she talked to him about the button. Aunt Nonna said that we should leave the button alone, out of harm’s way, and Zero said that we should press it and everything would make sense and we’d figure out what the button does, and Aunt Nonna started to grab Zero by the hand and say: “Son, I’m begging you, don’t touch it.”
Then Lena came in from the kitchen and asked what was going on. The electrician explained, and Lena told him to just disconnect the button from the electricity. Aunt Nonna started shouting that there would be a fire, or that the whole house would end up without power, and Lena said something and went to the kitchen, and the electrician said that this was for us to figure it out, he could sit and wait, it’s all the same to him, and Zero said that he was about to kill someone, and I said that my cat is crazy and that I have to feed him and that I have to be a good person, even better than before, and that’s why I don’t have the right to leave him hungry, and that I’m really agitated about the cat. I asked politely when Zero would drive me home. Then Zero hurled the fork he had brought from the kitchen really loudly onto the table and told me to get ready, go to the hallway and put on my shoes, he’d drive me to the cat now.
I ran to the hallway and bumped into the electrician, who was walking back from the kitchen; he asked what they had decided about the button and I said I didn’t know but that I wouldn’t recommend he press on it unless he wanted to become a really good person. The electrician told me that I’m probably related to all these people and I said that I can’t explain to him in detail about the button because my mom died and I’m really agitated about the cat. Then the electrician said that he was going to go, probably, and left.
I put on my shoes, then Zero and Lena came out. Zero also put on his shoes, and Lena said he didn’t care about her at all and that there’s always the third option, but it was like Zero hadn’t heard her, and he went out to the stairwell, and I followed him. Zero walked toward the elevator; I got scared and started to say quickly: “Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue!” and then Zero remembered that I couldn’t ride the elevator and bolted down the stairs. I ran after him, screaming: “Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue!” because I was really scared that Zero would leave without me and then the cat would definitely go crazy in the time it would take me to walk home.
All of a sudden, Zero also started screaming: “Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue!” and on the last floor we caught up to the electrician. Zero pushed past him because he was probably also really agitated about the cat, and for some reason, the electrician threw his metal pencil after us. I was really scared that Zero would leave without me and ran almost all the way to the entryway but then remembered that now I have to try even harder than before to be a good person and ran back up the stairs, picked up the metal pencil and tried to return it to the electrician, but he screamed and ran away from me up the stairs. I decided that he had figured out what to do about the button and had just thrown the pencil away because he didn’t need it anymore.
When I ran outside, Zero had already started the car and we drove off really fast. I said to Zero: “Thank you,” and he said: “Don’t mention it.” When I asked him if I
had hit him when I was ordinary, Zero said: “No.” Then I asked if I had ever hit him after what happened happened. Zero was quiet for a bit and again said: “No.” I was happy that I had become a good person so quickly. I said “Thank you” to Zero and told him I loved him and he said we were there already and asked if I could get to the apartment on my own. I said that yes, I can get the bread, herring, cheese, bread, salami, meat, fish, tomatoes, watermelons, candy, and jam, not in glass, by myself. Zero said I was a good boy. I said I would try. Zero said: “OK, get going, Third Option,” but I understood that he was joking. I don’t always understand jokes, but I know Zero and understand his jokes or, at any rate, it seems that way to me. I really wanted to hug Zero, but it was really cramped in the car, and besides, I’m really strong, so I’m only allowed to hug Mom and the cat and now that Mom is dead I’m only allowed to hug the cat.
The cat ran to meet me at the door, he was yowling so hard from hunger that the right-hand neighbors were banging on the radiator; they had probably been banging for an hour. I picked up and hugged the cat and that made me want to scream again, horribly. I knew that I would have to give myself five or six red cards for that, because it will be even worse for the neighbors, but I couldn’t do anything about it: I kept screaming and screaming and screaming, but it kept on hurting inside my chest, hurting, and hurting. I even forgot about the cat. I only remembered about him when I had gotten completely tired of screaming.
For some reason neighbors had stopped whaling on the radiator, and even the cat had quieted all the way down. I even got scared that I had accidentally strangled the cat while I was screaming, but the cat was OK, just really smushed. I let him down on the floor. He stood there for a while, staggered a bit, and ran to his bowl. I gave him some water and poured out so much food that it spilled over the rim, but I decided that was OK. I got out some bread, herring, cheese, butter, and jam out of the fridge for myself, made tea and ate dinner, and then put everything back into the fridge except the herring jar, which had become empty, so I threw it out.
The cat kept eating and eating and drinking water, and then eating again. I realized that now I would have to wash the dishes myself and washed them. I was so tired that I just washed them with my hand; I decided that I would learn how to wash dishes with soap and sponge tomorrow. Also I wrote down, on the notepad on the fridge, that we needed more herring. I would remember anyway about the bread—that had always been my responsibility. I thought I should give myself a green card for washing the dishes and a red one for doing it without soap, so I might as well not give myself any cards.
I lay down on the bed and told myself not to wait for anything but to go to sleep right away. I wanted to scream but not as badly as the night before and I held back so I wouldn’t wake the neighbors. Then I felt as though I was, in fact, screaming, but it turned out that it wasn’t me, but the cat. I had fallen asleep and the cat woke me up. I went to where he was screaming and saw that the cat was lying on Mom’s bed and screaming—not yowling but screaming, just like me. I had never heard him scream that way—just like me. I started to console him, but he kept screaming and screaming. I tried to take him to my room and put him to bed next to me, even though usually I don’t let him sleep in my bed because that’s bad manners, but the cat had dug his claws so deeply into Mom’s mattress that I couldn’t tear him away, even though I’m really strong.
I started saying to the cat: “Blue, blue, blue!” but he kept screaming, I started saying: “Blue, blue, blue!” even louder, but he kept screaming and screaming, just like me, and then I finally tore him off the mattress, put on my shoes and started walking, with the cat, to Aunt Nonna’s. I was very tired and walked really slowly, but I made it anyway and went up the stairs. Lena opened the door for me, she was in her bathrobe and sleepy, and, I think, frightened, but I told her politely that I didn’t want coffee or tea or food, that I had come by just for a second. I carried the cat to the room where Zero had slept when he was little, but there was no red button on the wall. I stood there and looked at the empty wall and couldn’t understand anything, but then I realized that the workers had managed to tape it over with wallpaper.
I got horribly scared and started to ask if they had disconnected the button, but Aunt Nonna couldn’t understand anything, and Lena was yelling at Zero. Then I quickly tore off the wallpaper where the button had been. It was in the same place, no one had touched it, they had just papered over it, and now it was like it wasn’t there, just like it hadn’t been there before I tore off the wallpaper that first time. I brought the cat up to the button—Aunt Nonna was crying and muttering in the background—and pressed on it with his paw.
The cat tried to get away, but I held his paw and the cat himself very firmly. I told the cat that now he’s seeing a memory of how he used to be before I took charge of his training and started to make him a good cat. I told him that he’s a crazy and deranged insane thug, but that now he’s trying really hard and is already a lot better than before. And I said that now that Mom died, I have to answer for him and for myself and that he has to start trying way harder because I will have to wash the dishes with soap and I won’t have the energy to train him so much. I told the cat that now I will have to give him red and green cards for his behavior, but that his cards would count as my cards, and that if his behavior earns red cards, then I would have to answer for them. Also I said that the Third Option was always there and that the cat shouldn’t forget it.
My cat is really stupid, but I think he understood. Then I let him release the button and asked everyone politely if Zero would drive us home. I’m really tired and it will take a really long time if I walk, and that would be OK except the cat has gotten really quiet and now I’m starting to worry about him.
FRIDAY
If the rain goes on for a long time, then I can’t take it anymore and start howling. I howl really quietly so I don’t scare Mom. I’m really scared of the rain itself and also because I can never count how many days it’s been raining for. I’m really good at counting, but it’s different with the rain. Even if it only rained today, right away I start to think that there was a little rain yesterday too. I try to think that it stopped yesterday and started again today, so that yesterday doesn’t count. But then I start to think that maybe it didn’t stop yesterday, maybe it just got so light that I couldn’t tell it was there. And that makes me think that the day before yesterday that same invisible rain might have been falling, even if before I had thought that the day before yesterday was sunny. And then all of a sudden it turns out it’s been raining for three straight days.
That’s when my ears go numb from fright, because I know that if the Lord decides to cause a Flood again, then it will rain for three days without stopping. In general I’m a really good person, I’m really responsible and polite and I watch the cat’s discipline and my own. But sometimes I do really bad things, I just can’t help myself. On Wednesday I did a really bad thing, such a bad thing that it was pointless even to give myself red cards for it, there wouldn’t have been enough of them even if I had cut more red cards out of the scraps of the red coat. I was lying there and counting how many red cards I would have to give myself for bad behavior after the mess I had made of things on Wednesday and I was not even sure that all the coat scraps would be enough to make that number of cards. So that night the Lord had good reason to cause a Flood, and I was really scared.
Before, when it would start raining and I knew I had done something bad, I would start by howling quietly from fear, and then I wouldn’t be able to take it and would go to Mom to cry. Mom would turn on the TV, because if something awful happens—an earthquake, or a Flood, or a war—they would say so on the TV right away. We would go through all the channels and I would calm down a little, since they would just be showing all the regular programs. Then Mom would take me to the window and we would pick out a spot on the ground that wasn’t covered in water.
Seeing a spot like that would make me realize that the earth hadn�
��t been flooded yet. I would realize that the Lord was probably still thinking it over, and I’d start apologizing as hard as I could for what I had done. I would tell the Lord about how I was going to punish myself (for example, one time as punishment I slept under the bed for a whole week, even though it’s really awful and cramped down there, because I’m really big, much bigger than most people, even the butcher. Afterward my shoulder blades and knees hurt really bad, but I had saved everyone from the Flood, and in general up to now the Lord and I had always been able to come to an agreement).
After that I would calm down a little and remember that there hadn’t actually been any rain yesterday or the day before. And so even if the Lord had actually decided to cause a Flood, then today was the first day and we’d all drown only the day after tomorrow. I’m not really good with the “day after tomorrow” and other faraway days: I know they exist, but I have never woken up and realized that “the day after tomorrow” has finally arrived. So I would stop feeling scared and go sleep under the bed or make myself do a different punishment. Mom would turn off the TV and urge me not to punish myself too hard, and then she would go to bed too.
But now Mom was dead so I had to turn on the TV myself. I looked through all the channels carefully. Each one was showing its regular programs. But on Wednesday I had made such a mess of things that the Lord could have gotten truly angry this time and not warned anyone through the TV. When I remembered Wednesday, right away I started to think that it had already been raining yesterday and the day before, so it didn’t make sense to count on any kind of “day after tomorrow.” I started howling quietly and ran to the window to see if there was a spot on the ground that wasn’t covered in water. I looked and didn’t see any spots like that. Everything was covered in water. Right away my ears went so numb that I even grabbed them to make sure they were still there. I opened the window and leaned out to see better, but I couldn’t see anything because my eyes got wet right away.
Found Life Page 28