She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  “Nice try.” He chuckles. “Have you told her how you really feel yet?”

  My eyes snap up from where I was looking. Feel for her? I mean, of course I feel something for her, she’s a friend. A close friend. “Who?” I play dumb.

  “Whatever, Tristan.” He rolls his eyes and turns to place his empty bowl in the dishwasher. “Just know Lillia isn’t the sort of girl who sleeps with a guy for nothing. Believe me, she's nagging me about my sleeping around, but, Tristan…” He places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes tightly. “…If you hurt her, I won’t hesitate in kicking your ass. Best friend or not.” He pats my shoulder and goes to leave then stops. “If you like her, tell her. Life’s too short to wonder what could have been.”

  He leaves me mulling over his words. I hate myself for the way I treated her back in high school. It eats away at me every day and every night. He’s right; I do have feelings for her. Every time she walks in the room, she’s the only girl I see. Her smile could brighten up the darkest of days, but I can’t ever have her as mine. I’ll only hurt her.

  Walking home, I stop off at the coffee shop just on the edge of campus to grab a double chocolate mocha. I need to keep myself awake for my classes this afternoon. I get a few funny looks and a few whistles from the builders who have been working on the same part of the building for what seems like an eternity. I keep my head low and walk as fast as I can to my dorm. I had long taken off the heels Avery had given me a loan of. Honestly, how anyone can wear this day in and day out is beyond me.

  “Morning, Lillia.” Chris smirks, walking by me. “I have to say, I have never seen anyone out-drink so many of the football team as you did last night.” He chuckles. “Just a pity Tristan took you away when he did. We could have had some fun.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

  I feel bile rise up, a sudden urge to puke everywhere at the thought of him touching me. It’s not that he’s not good-looking; half the guys in this college are hot as sin and could have any girl they wanted, but Chris? Chris is a fucking creep. There have been a few rumors circulating about him taking advantage of drunk freshmen who have no idea what they’re doing, and just want to get in with the “right” crowd and live what they think college is all about - getting wasted every night and having sex with everything with a pulse. You’re just a goodie two shoes, Lillia.

  “Yeah, pity.” I start walking but he catches my wrist.

  “Maybe we could go out sometime?”

  “Um… I don’t think so, Chris. Thanks though.” I manage to get out of his hold and haul my hungover ass back to the dorm room.

  “Oh God! Yeah, right there,” Macey’s voice moans from down the hall.

  Not again. Groaning inwardly, I walk towards my room and slam the door, hoping it will make her shut the hell up with her goddamn shrieking and moaning.

  I climb into my bed, hoping sleep will come to me. Thankfully, Macey and Aiden have quietened down. I close my eyes and wait for the darkness to take me. Macey starts up again. I let out a loud groan and throw my shoes at my door. Why I thought that would be effective, I don’t know. I reach for my iPod, plug in my earbuds, and turn the music up full. Calum Scott’s Dancing On My Own comes on. Tears fall, hitting my pillow, and I cry myself to sleep thinking about Tristan.

  He’ll never be with me for me. I’ll always be an easy lay.

  I jump awake from a restless nap when I hear a door slam. My stomach rolls when I sit up and the room starts to spin. I flop back when I hear a giggle on the opposite side of the door. Can they not just give it a break?

  I swing my legs out of bed and head to the shower. Maybe that will take away the horrible feeling and the pounding headache I have going on.

  I've been sitting at my desk, staring at a blank Word document for the past hour. After I came out of my shower and grabbed some painkillers, I thought I’d try to make a start on my paper that's due tomorrow. Between Macey and Aiden at it like rabbits, and flashbacks of last night where Tristan had me in positions I didn’t think were possible, I just can't seem to get the words out. Damn him and his sexy ways.

  “Argh!” I slam my pen down on top of the book I’m supposed to be editing, rake my hands through my hair, and pull in frustration.

  Why can't I just stay away from him? More to the point, why didn't my so-called friend Avery not stop me from going home with him last night?

  Macey starts screaming so loudly you would think Aiden was stabbing her to death. There’s just no need to scream so fucking loud. I’ve had enough of this. I can’t concentrate as it is, without Little Miss Wannabe Porn Star making so much noise.

  I stand up, charge to her room, and pound on her door. “Macey!” I hear her and Aiden whispering. “I know you're in there! I can hear you!” I raise my voice again. “I'm not moving from this spot until you come out, so I suggest you come out now!” I fold my arms across my chest, staring at the dark wooden door in front of me, wishing it wasn’t there so I could give her a piece of my mind and silently kill her with my eyes.

  Five minutes later, she's still not emerged. “I AM NOT MOVING!”

  The doorbell rings and I have to move my stubborn ass from my spot. Groaning in frustration, I stomp to the front door and throw it open, about to kill whoever is standing there.

  “Aiden?” My eyes widen a fraction then my eyebrows knit together into a frown.

  “Yes.” He chuckles, bending down to kiss my cheek. “Expecting someone else? I came to see how Macey is. She text last night saying she was going straight home from work because she wasn't feeling too good. So, I thought I would bring her some soup.” He holds up a travel mug that has a love heart on it.

  I frown. I'm sure I heard voices in there when I was banging on her door. Unless it was my thoughts echoing from last night. Macey and Aiden have been dating for about three weeks and I thought things were getting serious with them. Obviously not if I’m right and I did hear two voices in her room. My anger returns towards Macey for cheating on my best friend.

  “Lils? What's that look?” Shit, I forgot he was standing there. I shake the look off my face, but the way he’s narrowing his eyes tells me he knows something is up. I can't lie to him.

  “Nothing.” I plaster on a fake smile. His eyes narrow as if he knows I’m lying. Shit. I'm busted.

  “I know you slept with Tristan.” He smirks. I inwardly sigh with relief but cringe at the same time because I hate that I keep going back there. “Again.” He nudges my shoulder, wiggling his eyebrows.

  “Please don't remind me.” I close my eyes then quickly open them again when I get a flashback of him taking me from behind.

  “Why? Was he really that bad? Not how you remember?” He laughs. My face heats with embarrassment and I want to scream at him, “No, he was the best and will always be the best that I have had and will ever have.” Just like I remembered; maybe even better. I have no-one to compare it to. There will never be another man like Tristan who will be able to make me come the way he does. Stop torturing yourself, Lillia!

  “Anyway, I'm going to see if Macey’s okay.” He kisses my forehead.

  “Motherfucker!” Aiden shouts. I run to Macey’s room and see a half-naked Macey sitting on her bed, shouting and screaming as Aiden lays punch after punch into some topless guy. I fish my cell out of my pocket and text Lennon and Tristan, hoping and praying they get it straight away and come quickly, otherwise Aiden will kill this guy.

  SOS. Aiden gone crazy, hurry.

  Macey is still sitting in just her bra, screaming for Aiden to leave the guy alone.

  “I suggest you get some clothes on!” I look her up and down in disgust as I walk towards Aiden and mystery dude to defuse the situation. “Aiden, that’s enough.” I try to pull him away but the guy tries to take advantage of Aiden being distracted. Aiden, being the skilled boxer he is, ducks, and the fist connects with my nose.

  Pain radiates through my entire face, tears spring to my eyes, and blood begins to fall. My stomach rolls when the metallic
taste hits the back of my throat.

  “MOTHERFUCKER!”

  I look up through blurry vision to see Tristan and Lennon running in and they start laying into him. The pain from my nose and my hangover tips me over the edge. I’ve had just about enough of this shit.

  “HEY!” I yell, cupping my hand under my nose to stop the blood from dripping too much onto the white carpet. They all stop and look at me. “You, you, and you.” I point to Tristan, Lennon, and Aiden with my free hand. “Get in my room.”

  “Lil, I’m not leaving you alone with this fucker,” Aiden sneers, breathing like an angry bull that’s ready to charge again.

  “We’re going nowhere.” Tristan clenches his hands into fists like he’s getting ready to start punching the hell out of this guy. I feel myself getting hotter the more I look at Tristan’s show of alphaness.

  “What? Afraid she’ll think I’m a better fuck than you?” the guy says. Tristan’s nose flares, his fists clenching at his sides, his whole body tensing as he stares at this asshole with fire in his eyes.

  “The fuck did you just say?” Lennon is eerily quiet, going for him again. I step in front of the guy that must have a death wish, placing my hand on Lennon’s chest, leaving a bloody handprint on his shirt.

  “My room. NOW!” I shout, pointing towards the door. They all exit the room, reluctantly, but they leave me to deal with this idiotic meathead.

  I feel a body close to my back which I instantly tense at, and not in a good way. “Are you fucking all of them? You can add me to your list,” the guy whispers in my ear.

  I turn to face him. “I don’t know who you are, but I’d advise you to get your clothes on and leave.” I look him up and down. He’s attractive, but that cocky attitude is an instant turn-off for me and there is no chance I would touch him with a ten foot bargepole.

  “Come on. We can have a threesome.” He pinches my ass as Macey comes out of her en-suite bathroom.

  “I recommend you get this asshole out of here before he’s killed,” I snap at her. She nods. I go to walk past her, still holding my nose, which has, thankfully, stopped bleeding.

  “Why did you let him in?” she asks, meaning Aiden.

  “Excuse me, are you blaming me?” I look at the girl who is supposed to be in a relationship. Okay, a fairly new one, but a relationship nonetheless. I’m shocked that she’s actually blaming me for this whole messed up situation. “Forgive me, but I thought you were in here with your boyfriend, not some asshole who thinks he’s God’s gift to women.”

  She looks down and I make my way to my room to see the troublesome trio.

  I open my door and Aiden is sitting on my bed, staring ahead. Lennon and Tristan are pacing. “You're gonna put a hole in my carpet.” I sigh, closing my door and walking straight to my bathroom. Tristan makes a beeline for me.

  “Baby,” he says, reaching for me. Baby?

  “No! Don't touch me.” I hold my hand up, stopping him in his tracks, and step back out of his reach. He sighs, closing his eyes and dropping his head in his hand. Lennon comes over to inspect my nose.

  “Dad will go batshit crazy if he finds out,” he says, lifting my chin. Lennon is fiercely overprotective, and he's annoying, but I love him.

  “Dad won't find out though, will he?” I narrow my eyes at him, daring him to tell our dad. He knows he’ll just get on the first flight down here, along with our other brother, and cause a scene none of us want.

  “You have to report it, Lillia.”

  “No. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” I say, walking into my bathroom to clean myself up.

  “I'll kill him,” Aiden says quietly. I walk over and sit beside him, placing my head on his shoulder.

  “I'm sorry you caught your girlfriend fucking someone else.” I take his hand.

  He scoffs. “I don't give a shit. I knew she was. I came over here to see you but you were otherwise engaged.” He winks to Tristan and I feel myself blush. “And I heard them. They've been at it for weeks. Probably before we even got together.” He shakes it off like water off a duck’s back.

  “Then why did you go crazy?” I ask, confused.

  “I had to make it look legit. But it was supposed to be one punch, then he mentioned you.” He looks up at me.

  “Me? Why would he say something about me? I don't even know the guy.” I frown.

  “He said he was gonna fuck you again!”

  Again? What the hell?

  “You fucked him?” Tristan asks.

  “What? No! I’ve never seen him before in my life!” He nods. “You don't believe me?”

  “I do.” He sighs.

  “You don't. I can see it in your eyes. You forget, Tristan, I've known you for years. The look you just gave is one that says she's lying. I have only ever slept with one person in my entire life!” I shout, tears falling. This information seems to shock him as he stands there staring at me. “I'd like you all to leave.” I sniff and turn towards my window.

  “Lilly, I...” Tristan begins.

  “Leave!”

  I hear my door click shut. I feel a hand on my shoulder. “I said leave.”

  “I'm not leaving you like this. Not while that asshat is still around.” To my relief, it's Lennon. I turn and hug him hard. “I don't understand why you won't just give you guys a chance,” he says, after ten minutes of me crying into his chest.

  “I can't. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm his brother’s best friend and you’re his best friend. I wouldn't want that to impact on any of the friendships we have.” I look down. In all honesty, I know the real reason holding me back. I know all of our family members want us to get together but I just can't make that jump.

  Not again.

  “Lillia, you've slept with each other God knows how many times. Who's the first person you go to when something's wrong?” Lennon asks.

  I look down at my knotted fingers before answering him. “Tristan.”

  “Who comforted you when Grandpa died? And when Abigail went missing?”

  “Tristan. But, Lennon, you didn't feel like I did when we were at high school, the day after we slept together for the first time. I felt like he hated me. He avoided me at all costs.” I stand and head to the kitchen to get some coffee and some more tissue for my nose. “He made me feel invisible. Like I was nothing.” I sigh, thinking back on that day. He just pretended I didn't exist then started dating Darcy fucking Masters.

  “I had no idea he made you feel like that. If I had, I would have kicked his ass. Is that why you wouldn't come to Aiden and Tristan’s birthday party?”

  “Yes.” Also because I knew I didn’t have a body like all the other girls and didn't want to make more of a fool of myself. “You wouldn't have kicked his ass, Lennon,” I say, handing him a mug of coffee.

  “I would have if I knew you were hurting so much. I know you’re still hurting.”

  “I'm not,” I lie.

  “Lillia, you do know we shared a womb? We were glued to each other until we hit puberty. I know you better than you know yourself.” He raises his eyebrow. I look down, knowing he's right. He's always right. “You know I'm right.” He smirks at me.

  “Shut up, jerk!” I nudge his shoulder with mine.

  “Right, I better go. I've got football practice.” He sighs, standing.

  “I've got an assignment to finish too.”

  “Why don't we go out for dinner tonight, just me and you? Call it a brother/sister bonding dinner.” He smiles.

  “I would love to, but really, all I want is to get this assignment done and curl up in bed and read a good book.”

  “Okay. I'll call later to see how you are. Are you sure you don't want to report that asshole?” he says, looking at my nose again.

  “Lennon, I'm fine.”

  “Okay. See you soon.” He kisses my hair and leaves.

  I take a deep breath and make my way to my room to do this damn paper.

  Finally, I’ve finished the paper. Now, to curl
up in bed with a Colleen Hoover book. But which one? I stand in front of my books, tapping my index finger on my lips, trying to pick a book. Ugly Love it is. I'm about a third of the way through when my cell rings. It's Lennon.

  “Lennon, I’m fine. My head hurts like hell, but I’m fine.” I don’t even give him a chance to ask if I’m okay. He’s text me about ten times since he left to tell me to go to the doctor on campus and to report it. He kindly got told to shut up.

  “Lilly.” Tristan? I stay silent, shocked that he’s called me, and from Lennon’s cell. “Can you come pick us up, please?” He sounds different. Weird different.

  “Sure. What’s happened?” I ask, as I grab my tennis shoes. They only ever ask me to pick them up if one of them has been in a fight. Usually when Tristan has started fighting with Jared.

  “Lennon. He’s wasted.”

  “What’s new?” I sigh, grabbing my keys from the breakfast bar. That’s when I hear Lennon start to sing Elvis Presley’s All Shook Up.

  “I mean he’s totally wasted. Normally, he stays sort of sober just in case Jared starts his shit, but he was throwing them back like nobody’s business.”

  “Alright. Where are you guys? I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Tristan tells me the address and I drive to pick up my idiot brother.

  When I pull up, there are people puking all over the place. I spot Tristan holding up Lennon. I've never seen him like this before.

  “Tristan!” I shout. He turns and smiles a little. “Lennon, what the hell?”

  He looks at me and pulls me into a bear hug. What's going on?

  “My little Lillia. I want you to find love! I want you to marry a man that will treat you right and have little Lillia babies! Little cute blonde-haired, green-eyed babies. You are too good not to have anyone!” He slurs his words.

  “Okay, let's get you home, buddy,” Tristan says.

  “As for you. You're my best friend and I love you, but what you pulled with my little sister in high school is not acceptable. And you can thank your lucky stars that I didn't find out back then because you would be eating through a straw for the rest of your fucking days!” He sneers at Tristan. Tristan looks shocked and then looks at me.