She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  I mean, she's tall, gorgeous; a perfect fit for him. I turn and walk down the alley between buildings then sit down and hug my knees. I’m thrust back to the day it all went to shit.

  Pulling my bikini bottoms back on, I glance over my shoulder to see Tristan staring at me. A small smile tugs at my lips and my face heats.

  “I…uh,” he stutters, blinking. “I better go. Lennon will be wondering where I am.” Taking a tentative step towards me, he looks uncertain of what to do. He leans down and kisses my cheek lightly. “I’ll see you down there.” Then he leaves me.

  I walk into my bathroom feeling confused, happy, and scared. I look in the mirror to see if I look any different, which is stupid. Why would I look any different? Having sex for the first time won’t change my looks. Shit! The hard reality of what just happened comes crashing down around me. I just had sex with the guy I’ve been crushing on for a year. My heart rate spikes and I pace the length of my bathroom. I just had sex in my parents’ house, where they could have walked in at any moment. Not only that, but Lennon and Aiden were down in our yard with almost all of our classmates. What will they think of me? Will they know? Shit, what about Tristan? He seemed awkward before he left to re-join the party.I walk out of my bathroom to look out of my window that overlooks the yard and see Tristan and Lennon having some sort of competition. They’re both down on their hands and knees. As if he can feel my stare, Tristan looks up and offers me a small smile and a wave.

  Darcy Masters follows his eye line, folds her arms across her chest, and glares at me. I move away from the window quickly and jump when I see Aiden standing at my door, smirking.

  “So, how does it feel to lose your virginity?” My head jerks back and my eyebrows shoot up to my hairline. “Don’t look so shocked. You disappeared, and Tristan disappeared soon after.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, lying down on my bed with his arms behind his head, still smirking at me. Aiden is gorgeous. Tall, with a body that makes girls’ panties fall to the ground. Eyes that are as blue as the ocean, and chocolate brown hair. Gorgeous. Only, I don’t like him that way. Not the way everyone at school thinks I do. My heart belongs to Tristan.

  “Think what you like, Aiden. Nothing happened.” I grab my towel from under his feet. “Come on. We don’t want people thinking we’re up to no good.”

  “No, you only get up to no good with my brother.” He winks and walks past me. I hit him with my towel. “Ow! Geez, Lils.” He rubs his ass where I whipped him.

  “Serves you right.”

  “Oh, you’ll pay for that, Lillia.” An evil smirk appears on his lips. Turning, I start running down the stairs and past my mom, who shouts for us to be careful. I run straight to Luke and hide behind him.

  “You can’t touch me now.” I try to catch my breath, peeking around my six-foot-five, three hundred-something pounds big brother. Aiden looks like he’s about to puke. A smile appears on his face and my brother moves, letting Aiden grab me and put over his shoulder. “Luke! I thought you said you would protect me no matter what!” I yell towards my brother, who just laughs. “Please, Aiden. Put me down!” I feel a sharp sting on my ass. Did he just spank me in front of everyone?

  “Time to get wet!” Aiden declares. Before I can say anything, I’m thrown in the air and crash down into the pool.

  “Aiden!” I splutter, moving my hair out of my face and wiping my eyes. Upon opening my eyes, I see blue angry, annoyed eyes staring back at me. It’s not Aiden. “Tristan.” I swallow.

  “CANNONBALL!” Lennon yells, and jumps in the pool, splashing me and breaking the intense staring contest Tristan and I were in.

  I didn’t see him the rest of the night. Lennon said he wasn’t feeling too good. It was the next day everything changed for good.

  The walk to school is excruciating, Aiden keeps talking about what happened last night at the party, how Tristan was bent out of shape about something all night and wouldn’t talk to him about it. He just gave him the stink eye whenever he asked him a question. One thought keeps popping back into my head. Does he regret last night? Was sleeping with me really that bad? My heart thuds against my ribcage as we round the corner to walk up the school steps. I step back slightly, my mouth agape at the scene before me. Tears build in my eyes, burning behind them. My throat closes up. I try to swallow but I can’t.

  “Lils?” Aiden waves his hand in front of me then follows where I’m staring in utter shock and disbelief. “Asshole!” His nostrils flare and his chest rises and falls. I’m sure if he were a cartoon there would be steam coming out of his nose and ears.

  I shake my head and blink my tears away. “Aiden, let’s just get to class.” My voice is hoarse. I tear my eyes away from Tristan, the guy I thought I was finally getting a chance with, and Darcy, who’s all over Tristan, kissing his neck and pawing his chest. Tristan doesn’t seem to be paying her any attention; his eyes are firmly planted on me.

  I start walking away, followed by a seething Aiden. My head is down so no-one can see the hurt all over my face, and I hear Darcy call out to me.

  “Hey, Lillia.” I know I shouldn’t turn around, but I do. She pulls Tristan’s head and plants her lips on those same lips that were all over my body last night. Turning quickly, I run towards the girls’ bathroom and let out a heartbreaking sob. If this is what love feels like, they can keep it. It’s the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

  “Lillia?” Aiden shouts. I can hear him pushing all the doors. “Lillia, let me in.” He knocks on the cubicle I’m occupying. I reach over and unlock the door. He looks down at me with sad eyes and opens his arms. I gladly go to him and hug him tightly. His arms circle my shoulders and he places his chin on my head, swaying me from side to side. “I’m sorry my brother is an asshole.”

  I squeeze my eyes closed, not wanting to think about Tristan. “I just want to forget about him.”

  He chuckles. “Gonna be hard to forget about him. He’s at your house constantly.”

  “Well, I’ll move out. Move back with my grams in San Francisco. I’ll tell my parents I got suspended.”

  He laughs and places his hands on my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length. “Lillia Kennedy, you’re not leaving me here alone to deal with the gruesome twosome.”

  “Come with me then! My grams will love you.”

  “Lillia. You’re gonna stay here and we’ll graduate in a few years and we’ll get rid of them, for four years at least.”

  “I don’t know if I can watch them together for that long.” I look down, picking at my nails. Aiden’s hand closes over mine, making me look up. His eyes sparkle and a smile spreads across his face. Why couldn’t I have fallen for him instead?

  “You still have me.” He reaches up and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. I lean into his touch, closing my eyes. He takes his hand away quickly. “We should get to class.” He clears his throat. I nod and follow him out.

  I didn’t move back to San Francisco. I did ask my parents if I could but they told me a straight up no. The next two years were a mix of emotions. A week or so after that night we slept together, I decided I’d be the bigger person and just talk to him. I loved Tristan when he was alone and away from all the guys at school, but he turned into something I hated when he was around them. He made me feel small and unworthy to even say hi to him in the hall, so I eventually stopped talking to him at school and barely in his house or mine.

  “Lillia?” I look up and see Avery. “What's wrong?” she asks, kneeling in front of me, lightly touching my knee. I just stare at her, hoping I don't need to say it out loud. Tristan runs past, shouting for me. A tear falls from my eyes when I squeeze them closed. Avery looks around to investigate and sighs heavily. “Come on.” She takes my hand and helps me up.

  No matter how hard I try, I haven’t been able to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks the whole walk to her apartment. I can feel her eyes on me every few seconds, opening her mouth to ask questions. I don’t want to break in front of the whole student b
ody, especially Kacey.

  Avery hands me a cup of steaming coffee. “Thanks.”

  “So, you wanna tell me why I found you hiding between buildings, crying like someone told you unicorns aren’t real?” My eyes snap up to look at her, her brown eyes full of humor and worry, a perfectly shaped eyebrow raised.

  “Unicorns are real. Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t real.”

  “Yeah, and I’m Santa Claus.” She giggles.

  “Really? Well, this Christmas can I get a new heart? I think this one has been broken too many times. It’s irreparable.” I look down into my cup, tears threatening again.

  “I don’t understand why you let him treat you like that. It breaks my heart watching you time and time again getting screwed over by him.” I can feel her getting angrier.

  “I love him.” I shrug one shoulder. “I know it sounds so cliché, but it’s true. When we’re alone, he’s the sweetest, most amazing person I know. But when we’re talking, I can feel there’s this wall there stopping me from getting closer.”

  “So he’s using you for sex then.”

  “It’s not like that.” It’s exactly like that.

  “Lillia, I know you don’t want to hear this but I love you too much to let you go through this anymore. You have to move on from him. Love him or not, you have to go out and find someone who will love you with everything within him. Someone who will take you out and show you off to his friends and say, ‘That’s her. That’s my one and only. The woman I love.’ Someone who looks at you like you’re the only girl in the room.” She squeezes my hand gently. Tears cascade down my cheeks, splashing onto her breakfast table, and I nod.

  It’s in this moment I realize it's time to let go and move on. However hard it will be, I need to do this. I need to let go of Tristan and the hope I hold that he will somehow change and love me back as much as I love him. It’s only taken you five years.

  We move to the living area and watch a movie, The Sweetest Thing. We drain a bottle of wine and inhale a tub each of Ben and Jerry’s.

  “I know what you need,” Avery says, with a mischievous look sparkling in her eyes. She rubs her hands together.

  “What's that?” I ask, a little scared.

  “A makeover and a night out with your best friend in the whole wide world!” She grins. I scrunch my nose up at the idea. “Okay, you don't need a makeover, you're gorgeous enough. But please say yes to the night out! Please.” She smiles. Then she turns the puppy dog eyes on. “Please.” She bats her eyelids.

  “Okay.” I reach for the newly filled glass of wine.

  “Yay!” She claps. “Now we need to make you look all sexy. Make Tristan see what he’s letting slip away.” She smiles with an evil glint in her eye. I look at her wide-eyed over the glass. She didn’t say we’d be going out with the guys. Aiden maybe, but Tristan and Lennon? No. “Relax. I don't even know if he will be there.” She smiles.

  “You want him to be there so you can get with my brother.” I giggle, realizing her ulterior motive.

  “I do not!”

  “You so do! You have a crush on my brother.” I smile a genuine smile for the first time in two days.

  “Busted!” She sighs. “Can you blame me? Have you seen those dreamy green eyes, and the dimple on the right side of his face that appears every time he smiles?” I just stare at her and blink. “What?”

  “You do realize you have just described me. I might think you want me too,” I tease. She looks me up and down, observing me with a thoughtful look on her face.

  “Well, you are hot! But, no. I like penis,” she says, making me spit my coffee out. “Although, we could always get a strap on. That way we know we would never betray each other,” she jokes, making me giggle. “But seriously, Lil, Tristan doesn't know what he’s missing with you. You are a catch. You're smart, funny, passionate, and most of all, loyal. He's an idiot!” She switches the TV on.

  “Careful, I just might think you do actually have a crush on me.” I smile.

  “I do. A girl crush, like you do with Katy Perry.” She smirks. “Besides, I'm comfortable with my sexuality to admit when I find a woman attractive.”

  I know she's right about Tristan. She's been my best friend for the past four years and been there for me through all the tears and late night phone calls about how I’m gonna stop sleeping with him. The way he got jealous the other day when that guy said he had slept with me got my hopes up. Which reminds me. “I'm thinking of asking for a transfer from my dorm room.”

  “Why?” she asks, but I see a sparkle in her eye.

  “What Macey did to Aiden, but mostly that guy she’s been bringing back said he had sex with me once, which never happened, and said he would do it again. I just... I don't know. I guess I wouldn't feel safe if she brought him back again.” I look down into my wine.

  “I have the best idea. Why don't we move in together? Here. I have a spare room, you can move out, and we’d have the best time ever!” She squeals. The smile on my face gets bigger.

  I know she's right. I can't move in with Aiden because he lives with Tristan and Lennon. I can't stand being near Tristan right now and I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable around him. Time to live on the edge for a change, Lillia.

  “Do you know what? Let's do it! Let’s live together. Might as well get used to it for when we move in together after college.”

  Avery squeals and throws her arms around me, slamming me back on the sofa. “This is going to be the best five months of our lives!”

  I couldn’t find Lillia anywhere after she ran from seeing Kacey kissing me. I feel like the biggest asshole ever and I have a feeling my brother is about to add to it.

  “You coming to the party tonight?” I blink in surprise, staring at him, shocked he’s not tearing me a new one. “Why are you looking at me like a deer in headlights?”

  “Have you seen Lillia today? Spoken to her?” He shakes his head. I nod, place my beer on the coffee table, and lean back with my hands behind my head.

  “Why? What have you done to her now?”

  I sit up straight and look down at my clasped hands. “I fucked up. Again.”

  “Tristan, you have to tell her how you really feel. I’ve watched you guys go through so much hurt and anger at each other. I don’t think you realize how much this is affecting those around you.”

  I know how much it’s affecting Aiden; he’s the one who has to pick up the pieces of her broken heart; pieces that I’ve chipped away at for the past five years. I’m sure he’s getting sick and tired of having to do it. I wouldn’t blame him if he just said, ‘Fuck it. Deal with it all on your own.’ But he wouldn’t do that to Lillia.

  “I do know, Aid.” I sigh, scrubbing my face in frustration. “What do I do?” I look to my brother for some advice. He’s been in more relationships than I have.

  “Do what Lennon said. Show her you’re not a complete asshole and show her how much you love her.” He pats my leg and stands to leave. “Start with this party tonight. I have it on good authority that she will be there.” He winks and leaves to go to his room.

  Operation Woo Lillia is in full swing. Now to make a plan of action.

  The thumping of the music is nothing compared the thundering of my heart as I stare at the door, waiting for Lillia to walk through. I have no idea why I’m so nervous. I’ve known her for nearly six years and I’ve fucked her God knows how many times over the years. You’re about to bare your soul to her. For the first time in your life, you’re letting your guard down.

  “Stare at that door any longer and you’ll have to ask Dad for an advance on your allowance to buy Derek’s parents a new one.” Aiden hands me a cup of beer.

  “I’m so fucking nervous, Aid. What if she straight out rejects me?” Aiden scoffs, sipping his drink. “Or what if I say the wrong thing?”

  “Now that, you can count on doing,” he jokes. I glare at him; this is not a joking matter. “Look, you’ll mess up. She’ll mess
up. But think of the make up sex you guys will have!” He closes his eyes and curses himself when he realizes what he’s just said. “That’s an image I’ll never get out of my head.”

  “Finally gonna tell Lils how you feel?” Lennon nudges my shoulder.

  I nod, draining my cup of beer. “Well, it’s about damn time.” He claps me on the back. “You’ll be my brother-in-law in no time.” He winks at me.

  “Whoa. Who said anything about marriage?” My heart rate spikes beyond normal speed. Marriage? Maybe, but not yet. I need to gain her trust and earn being worthy of her love before any of that. “She needs to talk to me before any of that can happen.”

  “She’ll talk to you and you two will be at it like the rampant rabbits you are in no time!” Unlike Aiden, he doesn’t cringe at his thought of me having sex with his sister.

  “Ew, I just got that image out of my head!” Aiden says, and walks away.

  “Seriously, Tristan. I love you like a brother. You and my sister are meant to be. I can feel it when you guys are together, and I’m not talking about the sexual tension, which there is a shit ton of. I’m talking about the real love. Love that everyone deserves. The same love I feel when my parents look at each other. No-one deserves that type of love more than you and Lillia.” He squeezes my shoulder. “But one word of warning.” He pulls me closer to him and leans into me, his mouth close to my ear. “Hurt her again and I will kill you.”

  I lean back and see his eyes darken with a dangerous look flashing through them. I believe his threat. He would have made good on that promise if he had known back then what I had done to her in high school.

  I look towards the door and see Lilla standing there. She looks beautiful. Everything fades away and it’s just me and Lillia. My heartbeat whooshes through my veins, my mouth dries, and my palms start sweating. She wears a black lace dress and black heeled shoes, making her legs look even longer. Her hair falls down her back in soft curls scooped to one side, exposing her neck. I can feel my pants getting tighter. No, this isn’t what’s going to happen. I’m going to talk to her and tell her how I really feel. Taking a deep breath and releasing it, I make my way through the crowd towards Lillia, only to be stopped by Frances, one of Kacey’s minions.