A Lesson in Forgiveness

by Jennifer Connors

  On the other hand, Ginny didn't want to become the naive woman who would take back her cheating man because he said he was sorry. If he had thought so little of his vows a year ago, what made her think he thought much about them now. She knew too many women who had fallen into that trap as well.

  Drawing her legs up on the chair and wrapping her arms around them, Ginny considered her grim situation. The ducks were gliding across the water, occasionally diving under for a snack. Their one swan, a mean son of a bitch she'd named Bubba, was squawking at the other inhabitants of the lake. He always made her smile, mostly because he didn't give a damn about anyone else.

  As she watched Bubba bully the ducks, a thought occurred to her. Were they actually married? Yes, they had exchanged vows and consummated their relationship, but they had lived together for only one day before he left. They hadn't lived as man and wife and had only known each other a few weeks before they did that.

  Was it possible that they could start over? Forget the past, forgive each other's weaknesses and begin again. Ginny's eyes darted around her surroundings, trying to think of any reason why it shouldn't work. She could be stronger this time and not put up with demeaning treatment. He could be different because he had his time alone and had no more excuses to act like a teenager in heat.

  How would she go about it? Should she just sit him down and tell him her plan? Of course she should, but being female nearly precluded that possibility. Good job, Ginny, you want to make a fresh start, remember?

  She would discuss it with him at dinner. There would have to be courting, wooing. There should be flowers and long walks and inappropriate conversations. If it was going to work, they would have to start over, as if they were meeting for the first time. Everything over the past year would be forgotten and never brought up again. No more passive-aggressiveness, only two people who are compatible seeing if they are suited enough to be married.

  And if they aren't? Well, Ginny thought, one step a time.

  Ginny stood up and went to the house. She would talk with Tabby and get her opinion. If Tabby thought it was crazy, it probably was. The girl had a good head on her shoulders and was always there to comfort her. Ginny felt stronger, more confident. She finally had a plan. It didn't matter if it ultimately worked, she knew that it was high time forgive herself and move on, hopefully home.

  Colin stood in the drawing room, pacing back and forth, waiting for his wife to arrive. Their discussion that morning had changed things between them. He just wasn't sure if they had changed for the better. Bethany had managed to avoid him all day, not that he was looking for her. He was constantly thinking about what he could do to change things. Women had notoriously long memories, so he was at a loss.

  So lost in his thoughts, he never heard her enter the room. His wife had even managed to pour herself a drink before he noticed her. Colin watched her as she crossed the room, glass of sherry in hand. She sat down on one of the settees and sipped her drink. His breath caught in his throat. She was a vision in the light blue silk dress. Her hair, cut short, bobbed and swayed with her movement. He recognized the diamond jewelry as the pieces he'd left her on their wedding night.

  “Good evening, Bethany.” Colin was amazed he'd managed the words.

  “Good evening to you, Colin. Won't you have a seat?” Bethany pointed to the chair directly across from her own. “Before you sit down, perhaps you should get yourself a drink.”

  Ginny was very careful not to give anything away. Her face was a total blank. Although she hoped they could reconcile, she still felt the need to make him squirm just a bit.

  “No, thank you. I am fine.” Colin was almost afraid she'd poisoned the wine, she was so calm and docile. Her manner only made him worry more.

  Once seated, Ginny stared into her husband's eyes. Her proposal could be taken well, or he could ignore it. Either way, she would know she'd done all she could for this marriage. If he chose to ignore her suggestion, she would move back to her mother's home, an offer her mother had made on several occasions.

  “Colin, I have a proposition for you.” Continuing to stare, trying to gauge his reaction, Ginny could tell he was scared. She felt herself smile slightly at the thought.

  Seeing her smile only made Colin more nervous. “I am listening.”

  “For all intents and purposes, you and I can hardly claim a marriage. We said our vows, which we both subsequently ignored. We consummated our relationship, although we need not get into the disaster that was. We have lived very separate lives for the past year. Would you agree with that assessment?”

  “Yes, but...”

  “A simple yes will do for now, Colin. The reasons are immaterial. Our marriage is non-existent and that is the central issue. So, how do we begin to recognize it again?” Ginny waited only a moment, knowing that Colin would probably have nothing to say to that. “I believe the only way we can move on is to start over.”

  His eyebrow shot up and looked at her with a puzzled expression. “How do you mean to do that, Bethany.”

  “I mean that from this day forward, anything that happened between us, from the kiss in the garden on, is forgotten. Neither of us will ever bring it up again. It will be as if it happened to two other people. From tonight on, we are not even married.”

  “Bethany, a divorce is not possible...”

  “I'm not talking about getting a divorce, Colin. Obviously, in the eyes of the church, we are very much married. However, if we want to make a life together, we need to start over. That means you will need to court me. Remind me of all the things I once liked about you. I shall go back and be the woman you met at your house party. We shall have meals together and you shall woo me. What do you think of that?”

  Colin stared incredulously for a moment. Did he hear her correctly? Did she expect him to treat her as if they were never married. His expression must have betrayed his doubts, because his wife stood up and walked to the window. He didn't want to foul up his only chance. She had given him a gift and he should accept it with open arms.

  Standing up, he walked behind her. Staring out the same window, he suggested, “You really should consider keeping your conversations to the weather, Miss Hamilton. I will not abide a scandal at my home.”

  Turning to look up at his face, displaying a gentle smile, she responded, “I would never want to cause a scandal in your home, my lord. Perhaps we could keep our 'inappropriate topics' only to ourselves.”

  Turning his head slightly, he gave her a sideways glance. “Indeed. I would not want anyone to think there is anything untoward going on between us.”

  Before she could respond, Pearce entered the drawing room to announce dinner. Colin turned and offered his wife his arm. And, for the first time since his arrival home, she took it without reservation.

  After a pleasant dinner, Colin and Ginny took a stroll around the gardens. The air was cool and the sky was clear. Ginny stared into the night sky, admiring the sight of so many stars not marred by too much ground light. Colin walked away, lighting his cigar and viewing some of his prized rosebushes.

  “What are your plans for tomorrow, Bethany?” Colin watched his wife as she wandered the garden. Her dress swayed with her hips. All in all, the picture was erotic. He would need to woo her and quickly, as he could feel himself getting hard just by watching her walk.

  “Normally, I would spend the day with Sean, discussing some of the improvements that still need to be completed or if there were any issues with the tenants. Did you make plans with him to do that?” Ginny didn't want to bring up the past, but some things would still have to be ironed out.

  “Actually, we rode the estate this morning. I was impressed by some of the improvements you made for the tenants. Mr. McCarthy tells me that it has made everyone more profits over the last growing season.”

  “I'm glad he took you out. Did he show you the school?” One of Ginny's greatest accomplishments was a school for all the children in the parish. They only attended in the winter, when
there was no work to be done on the farms, but they were learning how to read and write.

  “He did. Where do you get the teacher from?” Colin had wondered.

  “Mr. Stevens former housekeeper, Mrs. Johnson, teaches the children. Turns out, she was a governess before she met her husband and settled down in Headley. Since Gladys, Sean's wife, didn't have need of a housekeeper, she agreed to tutor the children in the winter. Oh, and Sarah Cummings helps as well. Over the past winter, the children have already learned their letters and some are even starting to read.”

  The smile on his wife's face made Colin's heart race. He could feel himself wanting to kiss her. Not wanting to push things too far, he turned away and puffed on his cigar. “That is wonderful. I am sure the children are appreciative of the schooling.”

  “Some of the farmers were against the idea in the beginning. I had many days where I would argue with them about it. In the end, my stubbornness won out.”

  “You, stubborn? I have never noticed that.”

  Hearing the mockery in his voice, Ginny simply said, “Oh, you will, Colin. You will.”

  Laughing, they continued their walk around the garden. They both stopped short as they found themselves in front of the Diana statue. The same statue where “the kiss” happened over a year before. Ginny remembered the kiss, so captivating and erotic. His tongue tasting her, her body responding to his touch. Seeing the statue with him, made her want those things back all the more.

  Colin was worried about how Bethany might react. Would it dredge up the anger again and destroy the fragile truce they had? Afraid to stay, but afraid to move away as well, Colin felt rooted to the spot.

  Ginny felt his tension and wished to put him at ease. “You know, I once was kissed by this spot.”

  Whipping his head to look at his wife, he saw her smiling face and knew that everything would be fine. “Was it a good kiss?” he asked, extending her good humor.

  “Eh,” was all she said in return.

  Colin laughed a deep, hearty laugh. One he recognized from his youth, before the pressures of taking charge of so many could defeat it. How could he have left this woman? She was his ideal mate. When his laughter died, he walked away, feeling the depth of his loss. She hadn't forgiven him, per se. She chose to forget his indiscretion instead. Was that enough? Could he forget, or did he need to learn to forgive himself for his stupidity? Suddenly the moment was lost, and Colin felt very uncomfortable.

  Sensing the change, Ginny set out to reassure him. “If I may, Colin, I would like to explain where my idea came from. The one about forgetting and starting over.”

  Stopping, he turned around and stared at her. “Please,” was all he said.

  Ginny walked over to the nearest bench and sat down. She motioned for him to join her and waited until he was seated. Staring at the garden, she explained. “I carry a lot of guilt for things I did over the past year. Obviously, our kiss was what started it all. But then, over the year, my infidelity has caused me much pain. I never thought of myself as being inconstant. I could justify it, but it didn't make me feel good about myself.”

  Colin watched her face. She wouldn't look at him, but he could tell she was being truthful. It never occurred to him that she felt guilty about her behavior.

  Ginny continued, “Forgiving you would be infinitely easier than forgiving myself. That is why I wish to forget the past year. I need to forget my weakness and start fresh. I don't wish to be alone and I now know I can never again be unfaithful. So, it was either start new or kill you. If I can't live with infidelity, I certainly wouldn't be able to live with murder.” Quirking up her eyebrow, she looked into his eyes and smiled.

  Smiling back, he replied, “I am glad to hear that. Perhaps we both have much to forgive in ourselves.”

  “It isn't easy. I will always feel the weight of certain decisions. But in the end, I think we can make it work. Don't you?”

  “There is nothing I want more.” His declaration was whispered, but it carried the weight of deep feeling. He recognized that he would not live without her, could not. She was a piece of him and he would do anything and everything to win her back. He would woo the hell out of her.

  “Very well. Shall we retire. I am feeling a bit tired this evening. It has been an emotional day.”

  “As you wish.” Colin stood and helped Ginny up from her seat. Taking her arm, he escorted her back to the house, where she walked up the staircase toward her bedroom. Colin felt a strange ache in his groin. The past few months, he had been unable to consummate any new relationship. Now, his pretty wife was stirring those feelings in him again. The only problem was, he couldn't go to her. He would have to wait until she was ready. Groaning inwardly as he walked to his study, he wondered just how long it would take.

  Chapter 22

  The next week was spent reacquainting himself with his home. Colin worked almost daily with Sean McCarthy. He met the steward's wife and had tea with them in the hopes of smoothing things over after assuming McCarthy was having an affair with his wife. He visited the old tenants, who were happy to see him. There were two new tenants that he introduced himself to and made sure they were content on his estate.

  He made sure he had breakfast with his wife every morning. They talked about all their favorite topics. Bethany had spent a little time in London and railed against the ton and it's antiquated ideals. She would complain about the pettiness, the cattiness and the snootiness. She laughed over the young bucks making plays for her like she would even consider their advances.

  It was over this week that Colin learned Bethany had become very close to his sister, Evelyn. Since his townhouse was rented, he assumed that her affair with Clarendon had to transpire at his sister's home. He wondered if his sister encouraged the affair. With the season beginning in a few weeks, he could hardly avoid Evelyn and the almost guaranteed questioning of his behavior. Although his mother seldom traveled to London anymore, he was certain that once she heard of his return, there would be a visit from her as well.

  Although Colin and Bethany danced around any discussion of their inappropriate behavior over the past year, there were certain topics that could scarcely be avoided. Bethany gave him the details of investments she'd made, improvements she approved and gossip she heard. It was actually Colin who opened a can of worms by asking why the staff had no details about his unexpected departure.

  “I couldn't very well tell them you left me, could I?” Bethany asked while working in her garden one morning.

  Sitting on a bench, enjoying the view of his wife bending over in breeches, he answered, “I would have thought you would be too happy to have them on your side.”

  Laughing over his allegation, she responded, “Besides being somewhat embarrassing, having you run off after one night, I never wanted to turn anyone against you. The staff was told that you had serious business to take care of and that I was unsure of when you would be able to return. I believe many of them thought you were a spy in France.”

  “Flattering, to be sure. Who did know of my real reasons for departing?”

  “Pearce, of course. He was the one who told me you left. My parents, your mother and sister. Your brother-in-law, of course. And Miles. They're the only people I told.”

  It stung him to hear Clarendon's name, but refused to mention it. After all, he was the one to bring it up. “How did my mother and sister take the news?”

  “Your mother never said anything bad about you. She stayed for almost a month after you left to make sure I was alright. I believe she was disappointed, but I remember her constantly relaying stories of how you took care of her and your sister after your father died. I think she was trying to explain your behavior without taking sides.”

  “And Evelyn?”

  “She was very angry with you. But I suspect you already knew that. She had me read some of the letters she sent you in Europe. I'm almost glad you didn't read them. She felt betrayed. I guess mostly for me, but she took a lot of it personally. Yo
u may find gaining her forgiveness more difficult than gaining mine.”

  Ginny turned around to see his reaction. His face was stone, hard and implacable. His eyes stared off toward a grove of trees. Turning her head slightly, she asked, “Are you nervous about seeing her again?”

  His eyes turned to her. “Yes.”

  “If she sees I've let bygones be bygones, maybe she will as well.”

  Chuckling, he replied, “I doubt it.”

  “I'm sorry, Colin. Your sister can be rather stubborn, but eventually she'll come around. You'll have to be patient.” Ginny stood up and brushed the dirt off her pants.

  Colin could only stare at the vision that was his wife. A large part of him wanted to walk over and kiss her until she was as filled with desire as he was. His plan to let her make the first move was slowly degrading, since he was without the requisite willpower to maintain it. How much more could he take? He watched her stand there, in men's breeches no less. The picture was alluring to say the least.

  His wife seemed oblivious to his desire. Bethany could be very astute, so he wondered if she pretended not to notice to drive him mad. The thought brought a smile to his face. It was a fitting punishment after his abandonment.

  “What do you have planned today?” he asked, trying to distract his carnal thoughts.

  “I am meeting with some of the women in Headley to discuss the upcoming festival.”

  “The summer festival? Isn't that usually in July?”

  “Normally, yes. But it was a very rainy July, so we put it off until now. Since harvest doesn't start for a few more weeks, we figured most everyone could attend.”

  “I used to love attending the festival. It was the one time I didn't have to feel superior to everyone else.”

  “Should I sign you up for some of the competitions? That should knock you down a few pegs.”