by A. E. Murphy
“This is great.” I smile and take in the scenery and sounds. “I didn’t even know this place existed.”
“Really? I’m surprised Caleb didn’t bring you. Before he met you, this was one of the first places we dined when we came to this area with our father. They do authentic Chinese food, none of the stuff you get at a regular takeout. It’s delicious.”
“Caleb didn’t like Chinese food as far as I’m aware.” I shrug a little. “We had it sometimes but all he’d eat was the chow mein. Although, if you say this isn’t that kind of food, it makes no sense that he wouldn’t bring me here.”
Nathan looks at me, his teeth worrying his lip. “He made friends with the staff a few years back. Maybe they had a fall out and he didn’t fancy a confrontation.”
Maybe. It’s just a restaurant; it’s not a big deal.
Still…
“I’ll let you order for me.” I give him control over my food for once, mostly because I don’t have a clue what’s on the menu. It’s all stuff I’ve never heard of.
He nods and presses a button on the corner of the table. Seconds later the door opens and in walks a very friendly woman with a notepad. Nathan orders quickly before waving her away. It’s barely a minute before she returns with our drinks. I’m glad to see they’re just glasses of water and fresh juice. If he’d ordered alcohol I wouldn’t be pleased. Now that I think of it, I’ve never seen Nathan drink. I don’t remember there being any alcohol in his house either.
“So,” I curl my legs beneath me and stare across at Nathan, who is sat with one leg beneath him and the other knee pointing at the ceiling. His arm is resting on the ground, keeping his torso lifted. I’ve never seen him so casual. Well, as casual as one can be in a suit. “What’s the occasion?” I motion to the room and give him a questioning look.
His words come instantly after mine finish. “I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry for… everything that happened before. You didn’t deserve the treatment I gave you.”
Okay, that’s shocking. I’m not entirely sure what to say. “I forgive you?”
“Are you asking me if you should forgive me?” He smiles; it’s mischievous and slightly alluring.
“No, I just wasn’t sure what to say.” My admission makes his smile falter. I look away and thumb at the mat beneath my legs, making the straw-like material fray slightly. “Do we talk about it?”
Out of the corner of my eye I see him tense. “I’d rather we didn’t.”
“Of course. But maybe we should.”
He tenses further. “If it’s about what you… what you saw, then don’t. I really…” He exhales a shuddering breath and closes his eyes for a moment. I can only imagine what he sees in the darkness of his mind. “So, this thing with you and Eric. I thought you said you weren’t dating anyone.”
Smooth change Nathan, I’m impressed. “Yes, I did say that.”
He quirks a brow at me, “And?”
“And he persuaded me to change my mind.” We both look away once more, almost as if saving each other from the emotions in our eyes. Mine are confusion and sorrow, two emotions I’ve felt quite regularly as of late.
“Persuaded you how?” His voice is barely a breath, his eyes watch the falling water not too far behind me.
“How do you think?” I snap, running my fingers through the roots of my hair.
The door opens, stopping him from responding. Trays of food in small dishes are placed before us. I’m relieved to see forks next to the chop sticks. I can’t figure out chopsticks at all.
“You were right, this is delicious.” I say around my first bite and groan a little. Nathan, who is now sat comfortably in front of his food, tucks in and nods his agreement. “It’s not as good as your food though. I’ve missed that. I guess I became used to having dinner waiting for me when I arrived home.”
I’m startled by his admission but I don’t say anything. It’s his fault he’s missed out on that. As much as I’d like to pardon the way he behaved, I still lay a little of the blame on him. He reacted out of fear and anger. I understand that, but he still behaved like a dickhead and I can’t so easily forget that. So I remain silent and continue eating.
“That’s not the only thing I’ve missed.” He adds a few minutes later. His voice is quiet, almost as if he doesn’t want me to hear him but can’t stop himself from telling me. “I’ve never liked living with another, not even my family as I was growing up. As you can imagine, I wasn’t much of a people person after…” He trails off, but I know what he’s referring to. The abuse that no doubt twisted him into the man he is now. He’s not a bad man, just a… what’s the word? Different maybe? Well, he’s definitely different. “You forced me to take another look at my life, Guinevere.” Our eyes meet, a silent connection forming between us. My eyes burn slightly as I think back to the pain he’s been through and the pain he’s forced on me due to his own sufferings. “You made me happy.”
My breath catches and a choked sob escapes me. I don’t know why I’m crying. Relief that he’s here maybe, or memories of the hurt and the ache I felt on his behalf. Memories of that small boy being hurt so badly, the same small boy I see in the shadow of vulnerability that comes across his gorgeous, almost chocolate brown eyes.
“Gwen.” His voice is pained. He moves around the table in an instant and pulls me into his arms. I cling to his chest and let it out, my hands fisting in his shirt, no doubt creasing it. I don’t care.
In one swift move he’s cradling me on his lap as I cry into his neck. One hand combs through my hair as the other grips my ribs. “Don’t cry.” His hoarse voice only makes me cry harder.
“I want to resurrect him and kill him, Nathan.” I sob and pull away slightly so I can see his face. “I would honestly commit murder if he were alive. I hate him so much.” My anger pierces through my sorrow for him. Questions fill my mind, questions I know he won’t appreciate but I have to ask. “How did your parents not know?” He looks away as I pull back in an attempt to make eye contact.
“Don’t.” He begs, pulling me back to him whilst rocking slightly.
Using my hands on his chest, I break free of his firm hold. “No, it just… why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t anyone protect you?” Deep breath. “I don’t mean this in a horrible way but it’s not like it isn’t obvious that you’re hurting. Especially with the…” I motion to his hands and he winces. “Issues you have. If Dillan suddenly hated being touched or hated using his hands I’d wonder why.” He doesn’t answer. I search his face but read nothing. “They didn’t know… did they?”
“Not that I’m aware of.” He clears his throat and shifts on the spot. “Can we please not talk about this; it’s making me mildly uncomfortable.”
I shake my head. “I know and I’m sorry. It just doesn’t make sense to me.” God, I hate his parents. “Why didn’t you tell anybody?” Placing my hand on his cheek, I smooth my thumb over the soft skin beneath his eye. “Did Caleb know?”
“Caleb rarely stayed at our grandfather’s. Now… can we please stop this?” Seeing the shattered look on his face forces my conscience to pull my lips back together.
I sigh and press my face into his neck. If he won’t talk about it then I’m going to make one thing clear. “I don’t want you in that house anymore. Not on your own. How can you stand it?”
“Hush.” He soothes and brushes my tears from my cheeks with the back of his bare knuckles after removing his gloves. “No more. We’re supposed to be having fun.”
I let out a half laugh half sob and sniff unattractively. “Sorry. I’ve got it. I’ll hold it together.”
“You don’t ever have to keep anything inside, not from me. I just don’t want your tears to be because of something that happened so long ago. He doesn’t deserve them.” He whispers and presses his lips to my head. “Stand. I want to dance with you.”
Blinking in shock, I pull back and look at him. “Dance?”
“Yes.�
�
“There’s no music.” I point out and wipe my face on a napkin, cringing when the white comes back tinged with black from my running mascara.
He shrugs off his jacket and places his phone on the table. Music instantly starts humming from the speakers and laughter escapes me. I don’t know what the song is, but it sounds beautiful. It’s not in English and is very soft and slow. Perfect to dance to with a romantic partner. Which is why this has suddenly become awkward.
Nathan guides me closer with his hand holding mine. My chest touches his and his jaw rests at my temple. His hand clasps mine between us, so I can feel the frantic beat of his heart against the back of my fingers.
At first I felt awkward but now I feel relaxed, almost as if I could fall asleep resting against him as he moves us back and forth. I close my eyes and allow myself this moment of peace. I allow myself this moment of emotion and feeling.
“You’re a good dancer.” I say softly, still moving with him in perfect synchrony.
He smiles slightly, almost as if wanting to withhold the glee he feels at my words. “I’ve never danced.”
What? “Never?” I almost choke. He can’t be serious.
“I’ve never done much of anything. I’ve watched a lot of TV and movies though.” He gives a small shrug, looking almost embarrassed by this admission.
“Huh, I can’t even tell. So… what made you decide to try it now?”
He pales and I can almost see the cogs working in his head. Letting out a long breath, he looks up to the ceiling for a moment. “When I was a young boy, I never had the desire to do much of anything.” I can imagine. I keep the pity from shining through my eyes for fear of destroying this moment. “It was the same when I was growing. I felt better secluding myself from people, for fear of them looking through me and seeing the truth.”
“The truth?”
“The truth of what I was allowing my grandfather to do to me.” He clears his throat and runs his tongue over his lower lip for a moment. I remain silent, waiting for him to continue even though his words make no sense. He wasn’t allowing his grandfather to do anything. Does he truly believe his own words? He continues. “I thought I was happy, wallowing in my own pity and loathing. The loathing was so fierce that I began to hate the world, not only myself and my grandfather.”
“Go on.” I prompt kindly, letting him know I’m listening and not judging in any way.
“It turns out, I’d never even felt happiness, never let myself feel it. Until recently.”
I can’t stop the smile that comes forth, nor can I stop the assumption. “Dillan?”
“No.” He whispers and my heart drops. “You.”
My heart soars. I press my forehead to his neck again and inhale deeply. I fit so perfectly here. He always smells so fresh and clean; it’s soothing. “When?”
He doesn’t answer, only pulls my hand back to his chest and holds it there, still rocking me to the gentle tune. “Thank you for forgiving me. Everything I’ve done…”
“Hey.” I cut him off, my brows pushing together. “I get it. Please don’t apologise. I should never have given up on you. I never should have walked away, even when you forced me to.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“What?”
“If you hadn’t, I might not have realised just how much I now crave human contact. Your contact.” Gulp. “Physical and emotional. You bring out a part in me that never existed.”
Eye roll. “It always existed; it just needed a little coaxing to the surface.”
“You never gave up on me, not fully. I know that now, but at the time it felt like you were. Even though I was the one to push you away, part of me died when you left and didn’t return.” He runs the back of his knuckles over my cheek. Our bodies have stopped moving to the rhythm, but my heart only seems to beat to a faster tempo. “You have no idea how much you mean to me.”
My breath catches. I remain silent, allowing him this moment and gentle touch.
“I don’t even have an idea of how much you mean to me.” He laughs lightly, his frustration over something I’m unsure of abundantly clear. “I’ll never hurt you again. Not intentionally. It’s just that… I was so ashamed of how I behaved and ashamed of my past, I thought you’d hate me and I got used to that. So I kept trying to push you away, out of protectiveness or out of embarrassment, I’m not sure, but I don’t want to anymore.”
Turning my face into his soothing caress, I close my eyes and absorb this moment, willing it to stay put in my memory forever. “I know. And… umm… ditto.”
He chuckles, his lips lightly skimming my temple. “Come. You need your rest. I’ll escort you to your mum’s.”
Oh… right, the other thing I noticed. “Why do you always say ‘to my mum’s’? It’s my place too.”
“No it isn’t.” I’m pretty certain it is. “Your home is with me.”
“Are you…?”
“I’m not getting ahead of myself; I’m merely stating a fact. Or maybe I’m stating it the wrong way around.” He dips his head, his nose running along the side of mine. “My home is with you and Dillan.”
Why does most of me agree? I shouldn’t be agreeing. “We do make a rather good team.”
“That we do. I want you to come back.” That sweet vulnerability shines through. I love seeing this side of Nathan, but I also hate it because he’s no longer guarded and I get a glimpse of the sweet child inside that never got to be.
And I’m about to crush whatever hope he has. “I can’t.”
“You can.” He starts moving us again. “We will collect your things and bring you back to my home.”
Shaking my head I say it again. “I can’t.”
“You can.”
“No, Nathan.” I go to pull away, but he holds me tighter.
“Please.”
“And what happens the next time I do something to upset you? That’s not fair on me or Dillan.”
“I won’t behave that way again. I swear to you.” His unguarded eyes search mine. His hand comes up to brush the hair from my face as I tilt it back to look up at him through my lashes. My hands fist in his shirt; I’m not sure whether I want to push him away or hold him closer. “Please, Guinevere.”
“No. I’m sorry but I have a life here.” This time he does release me, his arms dropping to his sides. My fingers keep hold of his shirt. He’s going to walk away again, proving my fears to be true. He’s going to break his promise before it even had a chance to begin. “I can’t go back with you.”
“Then what if I come here?”
Snort. “Don’t be…”
“I’m serious. I can’t… lose you again. My life is meaningless without you.”
“No it isn’t.” Why does he think these things about himself?
“It is.” He implores, his jaw set. “I want you home with me. I want Dillan home with me.”
“Why?”
“Why?” He seems shocked that I can even ask that.
Huff. “Yes, why?”
“Because.”
“Because of what?”
“You make me happy.”
My brow quirks. “Until you’re angry.”
“I just swore I wouldn’t…”
I cut him off, finally releasing his shirt. “I know, and I want to believe you. Part of me wants to go back but… I don’t think I can live there, not now I know what you’ve been through.”
He takes a step back, almost as if I’ve kicked him. “Then I’ll buy a new house, a nicer one, and we’ll live there.”
“That’s not healthy. We don’t need to live together!”
“Why not?” Now he’s affronted. Great. This isn’t going well.
“Because of everything that’s happened between us. I can’t trust you not to lose it again.”
“Can you blame me? I was… disgusted that I’d tainted…”
Turning away from him, I throw my hands in the air, wanting to curse to the sky. “Stop acting like any of this is you
r fault. It’s driving me mad!”
“Gwen, please, come home with me.”
My mind is set and when it’s set, that’s that. “No.”
“Is this because of Eric?” He growls, his chest now against my back. “Do you want him?”
I gasp and spin to face him, my annoyance evident. “That’s what you think?”
“It seems suspicious timing. Your relationship with him, what is it?” His eyes narrow before widening.
Oh crap. “So what if I do?” I respond haughtily and inwardly kick myself. I don’t want Eric. I don’t want anybody.
His hands run through his hair, his shock as clear as the sky above. “Do… do you want him?”
“That’s the whole point of dating, isn’t it? To find out whether or not you want somebody.”
“I see I’ve made another error.” he bites out, glaring openly at me now. “I’ll leave you to your life, Guinevere.”
Eye roll. “It’s not like you haven’t before.”
“I think this excuse is a justifiable one. Have you forgotten Caleb already? My brother.”
Oh, he didn’t. But he did. “You… you…” My eyes burn, my anger now forgotten. “Christ, you really know how to make me hate you.”
“Have you fucked him?” He demands, ignoring my sorrow and guilt. Strong hands grip my biceps, his face is now inches from mine. “Have you?”
“And if I have?”
He staggers away from me, seeming to be in pain. “You hardly know him.”
“I know him enough.”
“I’ll call you a taxi.” He spits after a moment of staring at me like he’s never seen me before.
“Good.” I snap and walk towards the exit.
Something smashes. I don’t get to look and see as I’m being grabbed from behind. I hate being pulled along like a dog on a lead.
“Will you stop dragging me places? It’s irritating!” I stomp my foot to emphasise my point.
Nathan looks at me, almost as if looking at me for the first time and not liking what he sees. “How could you sleep with him, Gwen?”