by A. E. Murphy
“Stop it.” I chastise, yet inside I feel kind of nice that he’s defending my honour.
Pouting slightly, he takes my arm and leads me into the room after him. “I like it. It has everything I need. The neutral colours are good also.”
I hum my agreement before walking over to the closet and checking the inside. “Better closet space than your house in the middle of nowhere.”
“Do you like it?” Nathan asks, watching me pace around the room with a blank expression.
“It’s not up to me.”
“Do. You. Like. It?”
“No need to get stroppy.”
He sighs and says with a snappy tone, “Gwen. Don’t make me ask you again.”
“What’s not to like?” I throw my arms up and let them fall back down. “Look at this place. It’s gorgeous.”
“And right on the beach.” The agent says to my chest.
Seeing Nathan take a step towards him, I grab his hand and it’s my turn to drag him from the room.
“Just one little punch?” He pleads quietly, making me giggle.
******
After seeing the next two houses, Nathan tells the agent we were going to go for coffee to talk about it. Dillan is awake and hungry and I need to feed him. The agent leaves us with his card, even though we have three already, and we head for my place of work.
“Well, I didn’t expect to see you here today.” Valentine smiles brightly at me as Nathan places Dillan’s car seat on the table between us and carefully lifts him out.
“I didn’t have a choice.” I comment under my breath so she doesn’t hear. It’s not that I don’t love her or this place. I do, I just can’t talk freely with Nathan here and there’s also the chance he’ll find out I’m still seeing Eric. What a mess! I add, so she can hear, “I love your coffee.”
Valentine snorts and waves me off. “Such love from such a valued employee. Don’t know why I bother.”
“But I love you more.” I call after her as she vanishes into the kitchen.
Tiffany waves at me over the counter; she’s busy serving customers. Elle isn’t working today, which is a relief. One less person to blab about anything to do with me that Nathan doesn’t need to know about.
“Which one did you like?” Nathan asks, sitting diagonally to me and using his jacket to shield me as I get Dillan to latch on. Smiling gratefully at him, I wave at Tiffany and call out our order.
“You could just queue like a regular person.” She snaps playfully.
“I’ll deal with it.” Nathan leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead as his hand strokes the side of Dillan’s head. I don’t need to look at Tiffany to know that she caught that intimate moment.
Nathan and I really need to talk.
Although I can’t deny the fact that I liked it.
No… I can deny it. I’m so denying it right now. I didn’t like it, not at all.
“Cinnamon?” Nathan asks from across the way. I nod, staring at him for a moment. He’s so handsome. I hate to admit it, but he really is. And so complicated and broody. His body is tall, fit and strong, but not overly so. He’s almost painful to look at, knowing he wants me, knowing he’s so many good things rolled into one and knowing I can’t have him. Painful.
Why does he want me? Is it an accidental thing?
I belonged to Caleb. It’s messed up.
Why can’t he want someone that’s not half of his brother?
Sigh. I’m so sick of this, these stupid thoughts that never stop twisting in my head. I’m going to resolve it and I’m going to resolve it today.
“Here.” Nathan places my cup in front of me. I thank him and sip the delicious drink. “So, which one?”
“It’s your choice.” I shrug, not meeting his eyes.
“Well, you are going to be living with me, so it’s your choice too.”
Oh dear god. “Nathan…” He looks down at his cup, his tongue worrying his lower lip. I continue. “What is it that you want from me?”
His eyes shoot up, his brows raised in question. “Want from you?”
“Yes. I don’t understand this feeling you have where you seem to think you need me to move in with you. It makes me assume things, which keeps me up at night whilst I try to figure out the ifs and buts and reasoning behind it all.”
He glances over at the window, his eyes holding a faraway look that tells me he’s wondering what to say next. Silence is all I receive.
“It doesn’t make sense. All you’ve said is that you want us living with you and that we’re your home, but we don’t need looking after anymore. I’m doing pretty well for myself.”
“I’d say my intentions were pretty obvious.” He leans back, folding his arms over his chest as his eyes narrow on me. “But now I’m not so sure that they are.”
“Intentions?” Gulp.
“Do I have to spell it out for you?” He smiles and brings his cup to his lips. I watch his throat bob as he takes a healthy swig. And again… gulp… literally… but from him this time. “I think Dillan has finished eating. You’re more or less smothering him with your breast, although he doesn’t seem displeased about it.”
“Oh!” I cry and pull my flailing boy away from my bosom. He wasn’t literally being smothered, he’d just spat my nipple from his mouth and started wriggling. Poor boy.
I rest him on my knee and pat his back a few times. He looks around with an unsteady head and wide eyes, his mouth wide open.
“Anyway…” Nathan continues, but is interrupted by Tiffany who demands, “Give me the baby!”
And Dillan has left my arms.
Nathan looks at me expectantly, although I’m not sure what he wants.
“Could we get some service over here?” A customer demands irately, after two minutes of awkward silence and Tiffany cooing at Dillan.
“I’m coming!” Tiffany snaps, sighing as she hands Dillan to Nathan. “Speak to you soon.”
“Have fun.”
She only scoffs in response and saunters away.
“So, back to business.” Nathan smiles now that we’re alone again. “I think, after last night, two things were proven.” Two things? “One being that you are definitely attracted to me.” Oh heck. “Two being that you like me… a lot. Hopefully as much as I like you.” Double heck. “At this point, it’s safe to say, we should move forward. You, me and Dillan, we can be together again. There’s nothing stopping us.”
“Nathan…” I try, but he raises his hand and adds, “Nothing apart from you and your morals.”
“Which are legitimate morals; you’re Caleb’s brother.”
“Look, I don’t want to talk about this here. You will change your mind, Gwen. Be sure of that.” He glares at me for a moment and I look away. I hate it when people stare, even people I know well. “So, am I to stay in your bed again tonight?”
Bastard. I throw my napkin at him, giving him the same glare he gave me only seconds ago. “Sometimes murder seems like the only option when it comes to you.”
Looking at his cup he smiles, his gloved fingers tapping on the table, the other hand cradling Dillan to his chest. “When you first moved in with me I thought the same thing.” He looks up at me, his eyes sparkling with mischief.
“Trust me, you weren’t the only one.”
He chuckles, still smiling. “You’re adorable when you’re being stroppy.”
“Let’s add insults, because that’ll make Gwen less likely to kill you.” Sarcasm laces my tone.
“How was that an insult?” Yep, that smile is still there.
“I’m not stroppy, nor am I ever stroppy.”
“You’re full of it.” He laughs and I’m shocked at his words.
“Somebody is starting to sound like me.” I point out, my lips tipping up at the ends.
He shrugs. “I like the way you sound.”
“Your mum called me common.”
“My mum would call the Queen common; she’s genuinely that far up herself.”
&nb
sp; This starts another round of laughter, mostly at the shock of the way he’s talking more than anything else. “Why can’t you be like this all of the time?” I say carelessly through my laughter. “You’re so much easier to be around.”
His face falls and I instantly curse at myself. Why did I have to say something stupid? “You don’t think I’m easy to be around?” The vulnerability in his voice tears through the outer layer of my heart.
Darn. “I do, genuinely I do. You’re amazing when your guard is lowered.” He smiles softy at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’ll never purposely hurt you. You know that right?”
He brings my hand to his lips and holds it there for a moment. “You’re the only person I trust to make that statement.” Our hands go to the table, but he doesn’t let go.
But aren’t I purposely hurting him right now? By denying him something he clearly wants? I need to tell him. I need to make it clear.
Unfortunately, at the same moment I open my mouth, my phone starts ringing. “It’s Sasha.” I blink in shock at her name on the screen. “Excuse me for a moment.”
“Of course.” Nathan nods and rests his smooth chin against the dark fuzz on Dillan’s head.
I give Tiffany a wave as I leave the bakery and answer the phone. “Hello?”
“Why do I feel guilty? Oh yeah, I’ll tell you why, because I’ve hardly said more than two words to my best friend in the past month. I miss you and I’m sorry.” Sasha rambles. “I miss Dillan. I’ve just been so busy and I was worried you wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore. The longer it got, the harder it got to call and the easier it got to not call.”
I don’t say anything; I’m not sure what to say.
She continues. “I feel so bad. So does Tommy. I didn’t realise he hadn’t called and trust me when I say I tore him a new arsehole.” Classy. “Can I come and see you tomorrow?”
I look back through the window at Nathan and Dillan. “I can’t tomorrow. Nathan is moving to town and staying with me for… I don’t know how long. Sunday maybe?”
“Yes! I’ll call you. Forgive me?”
“I’ll tell you Sunday.” I smile slightly and look at the flat greying shapes on the ground that were once chewing gum now smashed into the pavement.
“Brilliant! I’ve got to go; I have to meet my mum at Home Bargains.”
“Okay, have fun.”
“You too.”
Déjà vu. I remember the last time somebody called to make amends, my mum to be exact. Nathan and I were eating at a restaurant in London. Crazy.
“Everything okay?” Nathan asks as I retake my seat and reach out for my son.
“Yes, hopefully it will be. Sasha just called to make amends.”
He nods thoughtfully. “That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
“Shall we leave? I’d like to have that conversation now.”
I frown. “What about the house?”
“That conversation can come after we decide our fate.”
Our fate? “Nathan…”
He places his finger over my mouth, his eyes narrowed in annoyance. “You can give me an hour of your time. I deserve that at least.”
Ugh, guilt trip. What do I do now? Well… I agree of course. “Sure.”
We arrive home and I’m not relieved in the slightest to see that my mum isn’t here. If she were here, this talk might not happen just yet, which would be a relief.
“I’ll just change him real quick.” I mutter, following Nathan into the room. Nathan nods as I take Dillan from his seat and he follows me up the stairs, much to my dismay. I need a moment to clear my head. Just a moment. “Can I have a moment?”
“So you can think of ways out of this?” Nathan grins. It’s very attractive and it throws me a little, mainly because of my strong reaction to it. What with him in my bedroom, now sitting on my bed, smiling casually like he’s never done before. “Not a chance.”
“Right.” I turn, my throat clenching as I swallow. “I’ll be just a minute.” Dillan starts wailing, not happy to be disturbed as I take my time changing his nappy and clothes. “Can you settle him for me? I need to wash my hands.”
“Sure.” Before the word is out of his mouth, I’m out of the room and the bathroom door is shutting behind me. I lean against it for a moment, gathering my thoughts and catching my breath. After knocking the back of my head against the wooden door a few times in the hope that it’ll knock some sense into me, I finally step away from the door and do what I came to do. I wash my hands, but also splash water on my face.
Staring at myself in the mirror, I question my looks. I’m not one who’ll sit there picking at herself; I’ve never had the patience for that. I don’t think I’m hideous, but I’m not model material either. Why does he want me? Why did Caleb want me? Why does Eric want me? They all must see something in me that I don’t.
Or maybe that’s why, maybe it’s because I’m not arrogant or self-assured. I just am what I am and that’s that.
But still… all of this angst and emotional ache. All of this yearning.
From whom? Why do I assume he’s yearning? Nathan I mean.
Oh god. It’s not him who’s yearning, or if he is, then he isn’t the only one.
When I re-enter my bedroom, Nathan is lying on my bed with his arms behind his head. He looks at me and winks. It’s subtle and sweet and makes me sway on the spot a little. “I want to move here. If you won’t come back with me, that is.”
He waits for my answer, his brown irises peeking through hooded lids. I respond “I can’t. I’m happy here.”
“Okay.” He holds out his hand for me to take. Stepping forward, I do just that. “Then it’s settled. I’ll move here and have Dillan for you while you work.”
“I can’t move in with you.”
He lets out a breath, but I see him relent before he confirms my thoughts. “I know. Maybe not right now, but soon.”
“And what about when we start dating? Living together will be weird and you know it.”
His brow furrows, but then his lips twitch as his mind switches from one thought to another. “You wouldn’t like it if I dated?”
“That’s not what I meant.” I grumble, but that’s exactly what I meant. I just didn’t know it until I said it.
“How would you feel about dating me?” He asks, catching me completely off guard.
I blink, my mouth opening as if trying to catch the right words to say from the air around me. “Umm…”
“That wasn’t a no.” He leans up on his elbows after releasing my hand, his longish hair falling in his eyes. I reach forward and push it back slowly, so silky, so soft. “I still don’t hear a no.”
“It’s weird.” I whisper, sitting on the side of the bed and looking at his collar in an attempt to avoid his eyes. “I don’t think I can.”
“You could try.”
I shake my head. “It wouldn’t be fair.”
He uses his finger under my chin to tip my face up. “Caleb’s dead. He’d want you to be happy.”
“I wasn’t talking about Caleb.” I admit, feeling shamed. Now he looks confused. I don’t blame him. “It wouldn’t be fair on you.”
“How so?” He leans forward even more, his eyes searching mine. They flicker down to my lips as his hand moves from beneath my chin to cup my cheek.
“You deserve better.” I say, trying to deter him. It doesn’t. If anything, he smiles even more and I’m wondering what’s so funny. “I’m serious.”
He chuckles, sliding his hand around my neck to pull me closer. My hands immediately go to his chest as one of his legs go behind me and the other goes over the side of the bed. I’m now effectively sitting in between his legs. The heat from his crotch is hitting me right in the hip. Oh god. “You don’t know your own worth. Don’t pull away. I can see it in your eyes, just like the other night. You want me.”
“I can’t be what you need to me to be. I can’t give you what you deserve.” I try to explain, but still he m
oves closer.
“You already do.” He moves closer still and I make no attempt to move away. The thought of his clearly soft and inviting lips on mine makes me want to inch closer, but it’s not fair on him right now. He needs total honesty.
I moan about him not talking to me, him not being honest with me, yet I’m not doing the same. “Stop. We need to talk.”
“It can wait.” he pushes, his nose now only an inch from mine.
“No, really it can’t.”
“It can.” He says breathily. I feel it on my lips; my nose picks up mint, Nathan and coffee. I bet he’s delicious.
Using what small amount of willpower I have left, I stand and back away from him. My lips are tingling with the need to feel his. “This can’t happen. Ever.”
“Why?” He follows. I knew he would, but I prayed that he wouldn’t. Caging me in with his arms, he leans forward once more. Dear god. He’s relentless.
“I’m still seeing, Eric.” I blurt and my chest aches with a sharp pain when he immediately takes a step back, pain evident in his eyes.
“Then stop seeing Eric.” He bites out, running his hand through his hair. “Tell him you don’t want to see him anymore.” He waits for my agreement, his eyes narrowed in anger. After a moment of silence, his eyes widen in realisation. “You like him.”
Do I? I should like him. He’s a nice guy and he’s charming, funny and very sweet. He’s handsome and, sure, I’m attracted to him. Also, he’s not Caleb’s brother. “I’m just seeing where it goes.”
“Seeing where it goes.” He repeats in a quiet voice. Seconds later, his eyes come back to mine. “And the reason you’re choosing him?”
“Choosing?” Now I’m confused.
“Yes. You barely know him, whereas you know me very well. I’m offering you the same as he is, but with the guarantee of trust and respect. You already get both from me. You have done for a long time now.” All very valid points. His voice lowers and his eyes darken. “I won’t chase you, Guinevere. If this is a game you’re playing, don’t. Choose wisely.”
A game? “This isn’t a game.” I scoff, scowling at him. “How could you think that of me?”