by A. E. Murphy
He doesn’t respond but I see the indecision on his face.
“I had a dream about Caleb last night,” I tell him, not bothering to look at him this time. “He was angry, really angry. He told me he’d never forgive me.”
He still doesn’t speak. I’m starting to worry he’s had a stroke.
“I didn’t understand what was going on. It felt like the day before he died, except he wasn’t sick.” I tug my shirt over my head and do the buttons up the front. “And then I woke up; I remembered you and there you were, sleeping peacefully. I remembered I was angry at him for what he did to you. I just…” I turn to face him in nothing but my shirt and knickers. “I was sad; it hurt. I felt like I’d lost him all over again but then… then I remembered what you’d lost because of him. It made me angry.” He looks regretful for a moment and opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t allow him to. “For a while I just stared at you, trying to sort out my thoughts. Do you have any idea how hard this is already for me? Especially after yesterday, after what we did together…” Which had a rather uncomfortable ending, what with him not climaxing and then lying about it, but I don’t add this part. “I just needed to forget for a while, which is funny because you’re the cause of all of this angst. You’re the reason for my guilt, yet you’re the one person that makes me forget the world. How insane is that?”
“I assaulted you.” He says, staring at me in disbelief.
“And I’m not making excuses for you. I’m also not forgiving you. But I’m warning you, if you leave now, or at any point in the future, I won’t come after you. Not unless it’s my fault.” Which I really hope it’s not. “Make your decision, because it will be your final one regarding us. But…” He tries to interrupt me, but I raise my hand. “If you decide to stay, then we’ll start over. Properly. You opened up to me yesterday. I want to hear the rest of it. Not immediately, but soon. Only the things that regard me. For example,” I tug on a pair of jeans and balance on one leg as I pull on a sock, “that envelope that somebody wanted me to see. I’ve literally scrambled my brain trying to figure out what it could be but I can’t even…” I trail off, cursing when I see the time. Running a brush through my hair, I turn back to Nathan and give him a firm look. “Are you leaving or are you staying? You have thirty seconds to decide.”
“I assaulted you,” he repeats. I throw my arms up in the air and stomp past him. “I don’t remember doing it and at the time I probably thought you were…”
“I know,” I sigh, rubbing my tired eyes.
“Forgive me,” he says so quietly I barely hear him.
The tortured look on his face breaks my heart. How many more breaks can my heart take before it shatters completely?
“I swear I didn’t know it was you.” He gently touches my hair and wraps a lock around his finger. “I can’t bear the thought of hurting you.” I know this too. “I promised you I’d protect you in any way. You accepted that.” I nod in agreement because I did accept that. “I won’t be staying with you for tonight.”
“Will you be staying with me as my…” Not boyfriend, I hate that word. “Nathan?”
He tries to stifle a smile. “Your Nathan?”
“You know what I mean. I have to go.”
“I’ll escort you; I still have time.”
“No.” I lean up and kiss his jaw. “Stay with Dillan. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
He frowns. “I’ll call you later, when you’ve finished work.”
“I mean we’ll talk properly tomorrow.”
He gulps, his eyes widening. “You promised me a few weeks. Please… just give me two weeks.”
I relent, kiss his lips softly and leave the house, but not before washing my face and brushing my teeth because that would be gross.
I’m halfway to work when I receive a text.
Nathan: Tell me you love me.
Normally I’d wonder why he demands this, but I realise that I don’t care. I mean it, so if he wants to hear it, or read it, then I’ll make sure he does.
Gwen: I love you. <3
He doesn’t respond; he doesn’t have to because I know he loves me too, probably a lot more than I love him. This sounds bad, but I don’t mean it to be. It’s just the truth. We both know that I’ll never love anyone as much as I loved Caleb. I’ve accepted my circumstances and I’m making an effort to move on, but Nathan will never be Caleb. He’s accepted that; he knows that and I appreciate that. And I do love him, a lot. More than I ever thought possible. I’m selfish; I should let him go and find someone who will love him as much as he loves in return, but I can’t.
I can’t lose him too.
Just seeing him making a move to leave, I’ve never felt so panicked in my life. Sure I stood my ground, but on the inside I was shaking worse than maracas on a whore’s belt.
“Thank you,” Valentine announces as I walk through the door. Two seconds later there’s an apron on my head. Two minutes after that, Tiffany is here and an hour later, the three of us are covered in flour.
It’s safe to say that by the time I’m finished, I’ve never been so exhausted in my life. I’m half tempted to call Nathan and demand he come to mine so I don’t have to get up with Dillan through the night. I don’t though; we need tonight apart.
Tiffany gives me a ride home and we moan the entire way about last minute bridal parties and their stupid orders. In reality we’re very grateful for the custom, but we need something to moan about. We’re tired and grumpy.
I’m halfway up the driveway when my mum comes rushing out of the house, drops Dillan in my arms and climbs into a car pulled up by the curb just across the street.
“Slut,” I joke, smiling at my baby. I wonder when I’ll get to meet this mystery man. I’ve been far too self-involved as of late.
Bed is the first place I go after having a shower and playing with Dillan for an hour.
It’s almost nine when I feel my phone vibrate from under my pillow.
I look at it and smile.
Nathan: Look under your pillow.
I stare at the message for a while before finally moving my pillow out of the way. I immediately spot a small white velvet bag with a dark red ribbon tied into a bow around the top. Smiling, I loosen the bow and tip the contents into my hand. Two shimmering earrings rest on the palm of my hand, the diamond studs shaped like twin love hearts.
My heart warms as I lightly touch them with my fingers. They’re beautiful.
My phone beeps, alerting me to another text.
Nathan: Go to your window.
I don’t hesitate this time; I race towards it and throw open the curtains before scanning the driveway for the man I expect to find there. He’s leaning on the hood of his car, which is parked at the end of the driveway. He looks up at me with a smile on his face. I smile back; I can’t help it. He points at his phone, signalling that I should look at mine.
I do.
Nathan: I’m sorry.
Another one comes through.
Nathan: Really sorry.
Then another.
Nathan: Really, really sorry.
Followed immediately by another.
Nathan: Tell me you love me.
Gwen: Always.
I place my hand on the glass and wait for the next text. I can see him typing it on his phone.
I feel giddy when it finally comes through.
Nathan: Come down so I can kiss you.
My legs are moving before I even finish reading. Seconds later I’m throwing myself into his arms and all is right in the world.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I help Valentine load the numerous boxes into a white van. They’re to be taken straight to the bridal party. As I’m climbing out of the back, backwards, only because I can’t turn due to there being too many boxes and no room, I feel strong hands at my hips and shriek.
“Get off me!” I shout, spinning in my attacker’s arms.
Eric raises his hands, taking a startled step back. “Whoa.” He glances around
, looking at the locals who have stopped to see what’s going on.
“I’m sorry.” I place my hands on my chest. “Honestly.”
He grins and shrugs. “I was just helping you out, but I can see why you’d freak out.”
I return his smile and grab the final box from the tray. He takes it from me and climbs into the van. “What are you doing here anyway?”
As he climbs out, I see his smile vanish. “You haven’t called. I got worried.”
Bugger. “Yeah.” I nervously tuck my hair behind my ear. “I’ve been busy.”
He lets out a breath, his eyes solemnly scanning me. “Do you want to hang out after you finish? I could come over?”
Well I can hardly break up with him in the middle of the street. Plus, I don’t have any other plans. “Sure. I finish at four today.”
“I’ll pick you up.” He grins, not looking so solemn anymore. “Food?”
“No, actually…”
“I have to go; we’ll grab something on the way home,” he calls, cursing at his watch. “Later.”
“Great,” I mutter, rubbing my eyes with my fists. What the hell am I going to tell Nathan?
“The truth?” Tiffany suggests from behind me. I startle and turn to face her. I didn’t realise I’d spoken out loud. “What’s the big deal? He already knows you’re going to break up with him.”
“Who?”
“Eric, it was all over his angelic face.” She clasps her hands under her chin and sighs. “What a yummy male.”
Nathan is definitely yummier. There’s no question about that.
“You’re right.” I scratch my head. “Should I text him or call him?” Another thought flashes through my mind. “How did you know I was dating Nathan?”
She grins wickedly. “I didn’t, but I do now.”
“You’re dating Nathan?” A voice I know to be Sasha’s asks from behind me, her tone definitely one of shock.
Seriously? This is how my day is going to be?
Great.
“Since when did you start dating Nathan?”
I arch a brow and fold my arms over my chest. “Since when did you start taking an interest?”
“I deserve that,” she mutters. “But give me a break, I’ve been busy and you’ve been busy, one week rolls into the next…”
Tiffany continues, “Which rolls into the next.”
Sasha, seemingly grateful for the support from a woman she’s never met, nods eagerly and holds out a bag for me. “I got Dillan a new outfit. I’m sorry. I know I’ve said this already, but truly I am.”
Aww, look at the little denim jacket. “I’ll have to think about it for a moment whilst I search through this bag.” Once I’ve seen Dillan’s new outfit, I look at my ‘supposedly’ closest friend and smile. “Okay, I forgive you.”
Sasha beams and throws her arms around me. Tiffany, not wanting to be left out, squeals and throws her arms around both of us.
She’s nuts.
Once Tiffany is out of earshot, I pull Sasha into the kitchen and sit her in the corner near my workspace.
“So… Nathan?”
I contemplate for a moment whether or not I should tell her. It’s then I remember her encouragement of this exact situation, way before it even happened. So I tell her. I tell her everything, from the beginning to the middle, right up until today.
She stares at me unblinking, then she slowly slumps in her seat and says a simple, “Whoa.”
“Yeah.”
“If it makes you feel any better…” She clears her throat and looks at the lemon drop cakes cooking in the oven. “Tommy and his girlfriend split up.” Another one? “I went to Doncaster to cheer him up and we… well… he… we almost slept together.”
It’s my turn to sag, lean back into the counter and say a simple, “Whoa.”
“Yeah.”
“I pay you to work you know?” Valentine says in a singsong voice from across the room.
“Sorry.”
“That’s okay.” She turns and leans against her own counter. “I couldn’t help overhearing… are you dating your son’s uncle?”
“Yes.”
“I used to have a huge crush on my husband’s brother, but he got a receding hairline in his twenties and I realised I picked the right brother.” She randomly tells us before going back to work. I’m not sure what the moral to that story is.
“So, you and Tommy…?” I stare at Sasha expectantly, trying to gauge how she feels about it all.
She shakes her head. “No, he freaked out. Said it was a mistake.”
“Well, you have been friends for a long time.”
“Yeah, but…” She looks at me expectantly this time. “I don’t know what to say about any of it. I’m waiting for him to make the next move; I won’t push him again.”
In my opinion, I agree. Tommy is a complex male who loves a lot, almost too much. Maybe he’s just not ready to settle down. He and Sasha together could be magical, but it could also be a disaster. They’re too well matched; they like all of the same things. It’s how they’ve stayed friends for so long.
“Whatever happens, I still love you,” I assure her, flicking a cherry her way. She catches it and pops it into her mouth, smiling the entire time.
“Do you want to go for dinner later?”
I shake my head, sighing gravely. “I can’t; I promised Eric I’d meet him after work. I need to break it off with him.”
“Poor Eric.” Sasha doesn’t sound sympathetic at all. She also doesn’t look it, if the smile on her face is anything to go by. “You and Nathan suit.”
This shocks me. I wasn’t expecting that. “You don’t think it’s weird?”
“Oh it’s definitely weird, and so against the rules of relationships, but it works and he makes you happy. Right?”
It feels good hearing somebody else say that out loud. It slightly settles my nerves on the entire situation.
“Those cherry spirals aren’t going to make themselves.” There’s Valentine’s singsong voice again.
“I’ll let you get on with work.” Sasha squeezes my shoulder after she stands. “Text me later when Eric has gone and I’ll call you.”
Giving her a nod of agreement, I motion to Valentine that I’ll be just a minute and hastily type out a text on my phone.
Gwen: I’m seeing Eric later. He’s picking me up from work.
Only a few seconds pass.
Nathan: What time?
Gwen: I finish at four. We’re just going to talk for a while.
Again, only a few seconds pass before I receive a reply.
Nathan: You’re going to end it, correct?
Gwen: Yes.
Nathan: Good.
I’m really not looking forward to this. I should have listened to my gut in the first place and I should never have agreed to date. Things were too complicated and now they’re even more complicated.
Why couldn’t you have just lived, Caleb?
“What do you think Eric will say?” Tiffany hands me a cappuccino and holds her own to her chest.
We’re on a break. Yet again the day has been busy, fortunately not as busy as yesterday or I think I’d cry.
“I think he’ll be cool about it.” Eric is a nice guy. It’s not like we’re serious about each other. We shared a kiss, well two if you count the second, which I don’t want to do because I didn’t actually kiss him back. “It’s Nathan I’m worried about. I don’t want him showing up and blowing everything out of proportion.”
Tiffany frowns slightly. “What is his story? I get that he’s Dillan’s uncle, but what exactly is going on there? Where’s Dillan’s father?”
Sigh. I hate talking about this, but I don’t think I can put it off any longer. “He died when I was pregnant.”
Tiffany splutters on her drink, her face a mask of horror. “What?”
I nod, trying to detach myself from the story as much as possible so I don’t feel it and break down. “I woke up one morning, before the sun had r
isen. He was dead. Some kind of heart condition that they thought had healed when he was a small boy.”
Her frown deepens. “That makes no sense. Surely they would have noticed something?”
My eyes blur and sting as I try to keep the tears back.
“Babe,” Tiffany breathes, her hand going to my shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
“He was sick.” I sniff, taking a deep breath to try and calm the aching in my chest. “Before he died he was really ill. I wanted to take him to the hospital, but he begged me not to.”
“No! I’ll be fine in the morning, it’s just the flu or something.”
His words ring through my head; it’s almost like he’s saying them into my ear. “It kills me knowing that I could have saved him,” I mutter, staring straight ahead. The first tear falls and trickles slowly down my cheek.
Tiffany reaches out with a napkin in hand and wipes it away. “Hey. You can’t think like that, okay?”
“But it’s my fault Tiff. If you’d seen how ill he was, you would have taken him in. He was really bad.” Another tear falls and soon after they’re spilling down my cheeks. It’s just the memory of his frail and worn body lying in bed… I was always too mesmerised by his smile. He had one of those smiles that sucked you in and wrapped you in a warm blanket of love and joy. “I’m sorry, I just… it still kills me.”
Tiffany’s face crumples and she pulls me into her arms. “I’m so sorry, but don’t blame yourself. He was a grown man. If he told you not to take him, then that’s on him.”
“I didn’t have anywhere to go.” I continue with the story once she releases me. “I had no money, nowhere to live; my mum abandoned me. And then,” a smile teases my lips as tears still fall. I must look a mess. “Nathan came along.”