Who Am I Without Him?

by Sharon Flake

  So today I came back again. Trying to figure out how I could make things better for you. I ain’t got no money—just a hundred bucks saved. I got no home to leave you when I die, neither. But when I saw them wolves at the door, sniffing and licking their lips, I figured I could leave you with a little something. Knowledge. Not the stuff you get from schoolbooks or National Geographic on TV. Street stuff. Boy stuff. Knowledge that your momma coulda used to take a different route through life.

  So here goes. These’s things I figure you need to know when it comes to boys. But don’t go thinking I’m just gonna tell you how no good and miserable they is. Or how to avoid them. You already know some of that. I’m gonna tell you about how to separate the plums from the prunes. ’Cause it ain’t just that girls don’t pick the right guy. Shoot. They can’t even recognize the wrong ones when they come along.

  Anyhow, enough preaching. Time for some teaching, as my daddy used to say.

  First off, remember this: Boys ain’t girls. Most don’t wanna know ’bout how you feel and what you think. They wanna get what they can from you and then move on. Then they wanna talk to their friends ’bout how things went for ’em. It’s like hunting—once you shoot a deer, how you gonna keep that to yourself ? The best part of the hunt, besides shooting the thing, is telling how you tricked it into doing what you wanted. How easy the whole thing was.

  Second: Don’t get all excited if some boy is nice to you. Ain’t the mailman nice to you? And what about your teachers, the drunk on the corner, or the little boy up the street? Nice ain’t nothing much. Shoot, I’m nice to the snaggletoothed woman who scrubs the floors where I work. You think I wanna date her?

  Let me get back to the point. Alicia, you deserve a boy who is more than nice to you. Women be thinking nice is enough. It ain’t. It’s a low bar to set for yourself. You deserve a boy who’s gonna respect you. To get somebody like that though, you gotta know what you want. You smart. Write something down. Come up with a map that’s gonna help lead you to the kind of fellow you want. They made us do that kind of stuff in school. Said, to get a job, we needed to be specific. To say—I want a job with benefits, that pays $150 a week, where I can get a fifteen-minute break twice a day.

  Girls like you better do the same. How ’bout this: I want a boy who don’t curse around me, goes to church, do what his momma says, goes to class all the time, and don’t steal, or sell drugs. Okay, so maybe that’s the kind of boy I want for you, but you see what I’m saying. Know what you want just as well as you know what you don’t want. And don’t settle for less, or one day you gonna regret it. Just ask your momma.

  Third: If boys didn’t have eyes, they’d make some for themselves. You see, boys/men like to look. And they like looking at women more than anything. So when you wear your short skirts and your low-cut tops, don’t forget that what’s hanging out is there for everybody to see. That means good and bad alike is gonna be taking inventory of what’s yours. And just like in the stockroom where I work, some folk take better inventory than others. Some look from afar to see what’s what. Others come in close, touch and feel and sniff and leave the shelf all discombobulated once they gone. You getting me? Maybe not. So I’ll make it plain. A short skirt and a low-cut top is a man’s best friend. So when you’re wearing them (and you got a right to), don’t think he’s asking for your phone number just ’cause he thinks you’re nice or smart or gonna make a good wife. He got other ideas. That’s just how we is.

  Fourth: There’s some strong, good boys out there. I see them. I knew them. I was one once. But a girl’s gotta make up her mind early that’s what she wants. And when the good ones come, like spring water to a dry creek, don’t be sticking up your nose and saying how you know he ain’t the one ’cause he act silly, can’t dance, or don’t hang with the cool kids at school. Baby girl, when you measuring a boy, a man, you better use a different kind of stick—not just one that tells you how popular he is. But one that can poke around his insides and see what’s in his heart, his head, and his habits.

  Fifth: A good man will do just about anything for a good woman. Y’all gals got more power over us than you think. But you so scared that you gonna lose us if you don’t do like we say, you forget how strong you are. So you give us what we want—your body, your cash, the time you should be spending on the books or with your girlfriends, even your mind. When I seen you, you was walking tall, like your back was made out of 100 year-old pine. Stay that way. Men like to know that a tree don’t bend easy as a piece of paper.

  Six: A boy’s father shows him how to be a man, so watch out for boys whose fathers are missing in action. It don’t mean them boys don’t know how to be men. Shoot, some know how better than others. But it mean you need to do some extra checking, deeper thinking. Do the boy know how to work hard for what he wants in life? Do he beep the horn for you or walk up to the front door and knock like he got a queen waiting for him? Do he know how to hold back his nature? I’m being real now. ’Cause a man will teach a boy (if he half a man) to be selective. Do he know that real men don’t hit women? Do he know that what’s between him and you is between him and you— not him, you, and all his friends? Look, girl! Ask questions! Don’t be afraid he gonna leave you, ’cause, more likely than not, y’all gonna break up in a few months anyhow. Shoot! This ain’t no Disney film. It’s real life. And there’s plenty of hurt out there for you if you don’t think smart and toughen up a little.

  Seven: Boys need girls to help them feel like men. Oh, they be acting like they don’t need y’all. Acting like all they want is what they can get. But girls make boys feel like manhood is worth the trip. It’s not just ’cause y’all pretty and sweet and soft as roses. Y’all complete ’em, honey. Make us feel like we can do anything. So when you do date, remember that. Don’t go screaming at them in front of folks. Don’t go putting their business in the street. Help him to be better than he ever thought he could be—but don’t go losing pieces of yourself doing it. Stay whole, and let him stay whole too. And then, if you do break up, there’s gonna be another boy/man out there looking out for you, believing in you too.

  Eight: Every girl needs a warrior—a boy, or man, who’s got her back. No, not some thug who spends all his time looking for or causing trouble. But a strong man—inside and out. I ain’t always been that for you, but I want it for you anyhow. In the movies, warriors carry big shields, so when rocks and arrows come, they protected, and so is the people they love. That’s what you want in a boy/man—somebody who will stop the rocks. Somebody who won’t sit still while you get called a ho or a B, or something else you know you ain’t. Somebody who knows right, wants to do right, and will fight for right when it comes your way.

  Alicia, a warrior ain’t just strong arms and fists, though. He’s a thinker. A hard worker. Somebody who’s willing to do without, to make sure his own is taken care of. I used to be a warrior when I was young like you. But somewhere, I forgot that was one of my jobs too.

  Nine: Boys is nice, so is men, but sometimes it’s just you and you. So if you ain’t got a boyfriend, remember you still got you. You still got your dreams, your talent, and your smarts. Your momma used to dance ballet in school. And she always was in some kind of play, or running for office. She ever tell you she was school president? All that stuff ’s in you too. So let it out and don’t bury it for nobody. ’Cause you is so much more than a pretty face and a tight pair of jeans, some boy’s girlfriend or some man’s wife.

  Ten: No matter what kind of advice a man gives a girl, she gonna choose the wrong road, for a little while anyhow. So if you forget who you is, and end up with a knuckleheaded boy, don’t think you obligated to stay put. You got feet, don’t you? And a mind, right? So correct the situation. Be gone. Remember, a strong girl knows when she gone up the wrong street, and she ain’t ashamed to back out, make a U-turn, and start again. Your momma taught me that. It took her way too long, but she saved herself and you in the end. You gotta do that sometimes.

  Well, I can’t
think of nothing more to say. Anyhow, it’s late and my fingers is tired. I swear they is. But I’m hoping you gonna see some good in what’s wrote here. It ain’t $10,000 or a house you can lay your head in. But it’s a future for you nonetheless. A way out, if you take it. A map that might just lead you to a pretty good place.

  Alicia, this is all I got to offer. I’m hoping you’ll take it and do right by what’s here. ’Cause Daddy loves you, girl. And he wanna make sure he don’t ruin no more futures, especially yours.

  —Daddy

  (the first man who ever loved you)