Sins of Sevin

by Penelope Ward

  Elle nodded and looked at me. “I know you won’t say anything.”

  “Of course not.”

  Sevin got his jacket and a flashlight. He then walked out the door, pretending to go look at the car. As I looked over at Elle’s sympathetic expression, feelings of guilt were now battling with the jealousy.

  What was I thinking?

  Elle walked over to hug me. “I’m so sorry about Lorraine.”

  Adrenaline was still pumping through me. I was so angry at my reaction. Let me get this straight; I was jealous over my sister sneaking out to see her boyfriend in the middle of the night. Really smart. That was just another indication that I needed to control this.

  I really hadn’t intended to come see him. But the day had been so painful, and I knew he would understand everything without judging me. I must have stood out in the rain for ten minutes before I finally garnered the courage to knock on his door. Elle showing up was a smack in the face and confirmed that my decision was a big mistake.

  “I’d better get back to the house, Elle. I’ll be quiet so they don’t wake up.”

  “Daddy would kill me if he knew I was here.”

  Swallowing my pride, I gave the response that any good sister would. “Don’t worry about it. You and Sevin should be getting to spend time together away from everyone’s watchful eyes. This is the only way you can do it.”

  “I love you,” she said.

  My chest constricted. “I love you, too.”

  Sevin had his hands in his pockets as he stood near Daddy’s car which was parked in the driveway. He was looking down at the ground when he said, “I didn’t think she was going to show.”

  “She was the only one of us that had a right to be at your house in the middle of the night.”

  “I told her to come by because I really feel like I don’t know her sometimes. I—”

  “Please,” I interrupted. “You don’t need an explanation. You two are getting married. This was just the reality check I needed.” I regretted that last admission as I abruptly started walking toward the main house.

  “Evangeline…”

  “I need to get going.”

  He called after me, “I never thanked you for the rose. That meant so much to me.”

  I stopped and turned around briefly. “Goodnight, Sevin.”

  ***

  Two days later, Lorraine was laid to rest. Mama had convinced Daddy to let me take my bike to the funeral.

  After the service, I organized a lunch back at Adelaide’s place for her family, friends and shop employees. Lorraine’s parents had arranged a mercy meal at a restaurant for their own family and had forbidden Adelaide from attending. It was heartbreaking.

  After everyone had left and I’d cleaned up all of the dishes, Adelaide and I were alone in her living room.

  “Vangie, I can’t thank you enough for handling all of this. You’ve risked so much to be there for me this past month. It means more than you know.”

  Pulling her into an embrace, I said, “It’s the least I can do. Sometimes, I feel closer to you than my own family. You’re my safe haven.” I let go of her and got up from the couch. “I’m gonna make us both some tea, alright?”

  “Tell me something new and exciting, Vangie. Anything to take this pain away.”

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  “Tell me something funny. Make me laugh. Your perverted aunt pull anything new lately?”

  Laughing, I accidentally spilled some of the tea water on my black dress. “Mama and Daddy won’t let her out of the room long enough to try.”

  “I’ve been putting off asking you about you know who. Figured you’d tell me if anything new came up.”

  “You can say his name.”

  “What’s going on with Sevin?”

  “What was the last thing I told you?”

  “You told me about the rose you left at the door, which was very sweet. Honestly, though, it had me worried that maybe you were falling for him. That’s dangerous.”

  “The bottom line is, you’re right. It is dangerous. I’ve been playing with fire, and that will only end in my getting burned. I realized a couple of nights ago that I can’t even be friends with him. My feelings are too strong. I need to step away and force myself to meet someone.”

  “You can’t force love, sweetie.”

  “Something has to give, Addy. Right now, I’ll trade love for a little bit of sanity.” Steeping the teabag, I confessed, “I told Mama I’d be open to pursuing a courtship.”

  “Vangie, no.”

  “I promise I won’t rush into anything that doesn’t feel right. It’s just something I think I should at least try. It might be good for me. It feels like the right time.”

  Adelaide knew me better than my own mother. She could see through my act.

  “My God. What has that boy done to you?”

  ***

  Later that week, I was asking myself that very same question.

  Daddy and Sevin had taken Friday off to start building the shed on our property.

  I’d just returned from helping out at Addy’s shop when I parked my bike next to where they were working.

  Sevin was wearing a baseball cap backwards and a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. When he turned around, I realized he had the shirt completely unbuttoned, showcasing his glistening bare chest.

  When he noticed me standing there, he nodded and lifted his hand in a wave. I waved back before rushing inside.

  From the kitchen window, I continued watching him work: the way his muscles moved as he banged the hammer hard, the way his jeans hugged his ass when he bent down to pick something up, the way his shirt would open further when he’d lift the back of his hand to wipe the sweat from his forehead. The muscles between my legs clenched as a painful desire pooled within my core.

  My mother’s voice startled me. “Evangeline, will you please take these waters out to them?”

  “Where’s Elle?”

  “She drove Imogene to a doctor’s appointment.”

  “Oh…okay.”

  Carrying two tall glasses of ice water, I walked over to where they were working.

  Speaking over the noise, I shouted, “I have these waters. Where do you want me to put them?”

  “Just put mine on the table over there,” Daddy yelled amidst the sound of his drill.

  Sevin dropped the piece of wood he’d been holding in a loud clank. He walked over to me. “I’ll take mine now.” My nipples tingled when his hand brushed against mine as he took the glass from me.

  As he gulped down the water, I watched his Adam’s apple moving up and down. I used the opportunity to glance over his sweaty body up close. The top of his underwear was sticking out of his jeans. The smell of him was intoxicating, a mix of cut wood, sweat and cologne. I thought about our talk the other night, how he’d confessed his sexual history. As much as it disturbed me, knowing he’d used that body to give a woman pleasure made me weak with desire. I could only imagine what that would feel like with him.

  Elle would find out.

  I was still looking down at his abs when he said, “Thank you.” My eyes immediately shot up to meet his incendiary stare.

  He’d caught me checking him out.

  “You’re welcome.”

  His mouth curved into a smile as he handed me back the glass. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you much this week.”

  “Yeah. I’ve been busy.”

  “I have something for you,” he blurted out in a way that indicated he was anxiously waiting to say it.

  “For me?”

  “Yeah. Wait here, okay?”

  Sevin ran over to where his truck was parked and grabbed something out of the open window.

  He returned to where I was standing and handed me a CD.

  “What is it?”

  “If you like the Smiths, you’ll like some of the songs on here. I included a few Smiths songs—the ones from your favorite album, but there’s also The
Lemonheads, The Pixies…and Pulp.”

  “You made this?”

  “Yeah. I made it for myself and burned you a copy.”

  “Thanks.”

  He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Number ten is my favorite.” Then, he walked away.

  I immediately took it back to my room and dusted off my old portable CD player.

  Lying down on my bed with the sun streaming in, I drowned out the world and listened to every song. When it got to number ten, I paid special attention, knowing he’d specifically called that one out.

  The name of the song was Like a Friend. I later found out it was by Pulp. With each lyric, my eyes became heavier until they welled up in tears. The words described to a tee exactly how I’d been feeling about him. The singer was shouting out all his feelings about his friend, that she was everything he shouldn’t want, everything that was bad for him, but yet he couldn’t stop wanting her. He’d take what he could get even if that just meant being friends. Every single line spoke to me. It was the first time I realized that maybe I wasn’t alone in my torment. This situation—whatever was happening between us—was taking a toll on him, too.

  I must have listened to the song five times before I went over to the window and looked down at him. At one point, he finally looked up and noticed me. He squinted his eyes to see me through the glare of the sun. I still had my headphones on. He knew I had heard number ten. The look on his face when our eyes locked only confirmed that number ten wasn’t just a song. It was his way of speaking to me.

  ***

  The next morning, I was stretching outside of our front door, preparing to take my morning run. It was very foggy, but there was something so peaceful about running in that kind of opaque air before the world was even awake.

  Hitting the gravelly pavement, I was about a quarter-mile into my route when I heard what seemed like the echo of my own footsteps. The sound got louder as it approached. My heart started to race.

  Someone was running behind me.

  I turned around to see a man wearing a black hoodie. Panic was starting to set in. As he got closer, the final recognition of his face slowed my breathing.

  Sevin.

  We said nothing to each other as we jogged side by side for the better part of a mile. When I finally turned to him, he glanced over at me. The black hood that was framing his face really accentuated the deep blue of his eyes. At one point, it became necessary for me to stop to catch my breath.

  He unzipped his jacket and took a water bottle out, opening the cap and handing it to me. “You shouldn’t run without water.”

  I took a small sip. “Thanks.”

  He lifted the bottle to his mouth. I watched the movement of his tongue through the clear plastic as he sucked the water out. When he pulled it from his lips, it made a noise from the loss of suction. He handed it to me, his voice gruff. “Drink some more.”

  This time when I drank from the bottle, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that my tongue was now where his had just been. Chills ran through me as his eyes stayed glued to my mouth. I handed the empty bottle back to him.

  We continued our run. With each stride, the tension in the air turned thicker than the fog. It was like a strange form of foreplay that couldn’t be satisfied, so we’d run faster. When he looked at his watch and turned around to head back, I followed him.

  We were almost back home. His breath was ragged when he suddenly said, “You always run this early by yourself?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “I don’t like it. You saw how easily someone could come up behind you like I did. You shouldn’t do it alone anymore.” He looked over at me. “I’ll run with you.”

  After that morning, it was a while before I ever had to run alone again.

  CHAPTER 12

  SEVIN

  I lived for those runs.

  Every morning, I’d wait at my window until she ran across the property toward the road. When she was out of sight, I’d head out my door to catch up with her. It was important that if someone happened to wake up and look out, that they didn’t see us leaving together.

  Even though we never talked about it, I knew she’d come to expect me, because she stopped looking behind her shoulder when she’d hear me approaching. She knew it was me. In the beginning, you could tell my being there was making her tense. With each day, though, comfortable silence replaced nerves as we ran together for miles.

  Some mornings, we’d stop in the middle of the route and sit down on the grass just like we’d done when we first met. We’d just talk. We’d talk about anything and everything: our similar childhoods, music, my life back in Oklahoma, her hopes for the future. She wanted to eventually take over Adelaide’s shop when her friend retired but knew the expectation was that she’d get married and be a homemaker, maybe work part-time for the family business at most. I’d also confessed to her all of my insecurities about being able to handle the responsibilities that would be expected of me someday at Sutton Provisions.

  When we’d resume running and get to the last half-mile, I’d go ahead of her to make sure no one saw us together. I continued to convince myself that we were doing nothing wrong, that it was just innocent time spent with a friend. Yet, the second I returned to my house, I knew better because I’d be counting the minutes until the next morning.

  Elle and I were sneaking more time alone together, but it wasn’t helping me move on from my feelings for Evangeline. That was scaring the shit out of me. Conversations with Elle were different, never running that deep and always a bit contrived. I wanted so badly to develop stronger feelings for her, but it just wasn’t happening naturally.

  The running with Evangeline went on for about a month until one particular morning when midway through our trek, she suddenly stopped.

  Her breathing was labored. “I can’t do this anymore, Sevin.”

  I panicked, thinking she was in physical pain. “What’s wrong? What happened? Are you having trouble breathing? Do you have a cramp?”

  “No.”

  “What is it?”

  “I can’t do this with you anymore. It has to stop.”

  Even though I damn well knew the reason, I asked, “Why?”

  “Because I fall asleep every night willing the morning to come quickly. Every day I want this time with you more and more. And one day soon, I’m going to turn around waiting for your footsteps, and they’re not going to be there. I need to stop this before that day comes. I need you to stop running with me. Please.” Her moist eyes were pleading.

  My heart felt like it was being choked, because she’d just described exactly how I felt about these mornings. It finally clicked in that moment that her feelings for me were just as strong. I needed to protect her from getting hurt. From now on, that was going to be more important than my selfish need to be around her. I simply nodded then watched as she ran away into the distance.

  Over the next couple of weeks, I barely saw Evangeline. Either she was working upstairs at the plant or helping Addy at the shop. We’d see each other at dinner; that was about it. Things were a lot like they’d been in the very beginning. I missed her something fierce, but I knew that this was for the best.

  ***

  With Emily as our chaperone, Elle and I were out walking, holding hands one early evening before supper when she dropped more than one bomb on me.

  “I have to ask you something.”

  I squeezed her hand. “Shoot.”

  “Are you busy August 17th?”

  “What’s August 17th?”

  “The hall we wanted for the wedding had a cancellation. That date will work out perfectly with the availability of the church.”

  The fact that we hadn’t been able to find an available venue to accommodate the size of the wedding was the main reason we hadn’t set a date yet.

  “That’s in four months.”

  “Yes. Is that too long…too soon?”

  Despite the unsettling feeling in my gut, I said, “No. It’s
good.”

  “So, we should book it?”

  “Sure.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m so happy right now!” She hugged me. “I can’t wait to tell Mama! I love you so much.”

  “I’m glad you’re happy.”

  “Emily, are you ready to be a junior bridesmaid?”

  “How come Evangeline gets to be the maid of honor?”

  My stomach turned at the idea of Evangeline walking down the aisle at my wedding to Elle.

  Elle playfully mussed up her sister’s hair. “Because she’s older, silly. Maybe by then, she’ll be engaged herself.”

  We’d been swinging our arms, and I inadvertently stopped. “Why do you say that?”

  “You know Callum Hughes?”

  “That’s your father’s friend who invests in the business.”

  “Actually, it’s his son, Callum Junior.”

  “What about him?”

  “Evangeline and he have been talking over the phone.”

  My jaw stiffened. “Really…”

  “Yeah. I think they’re considering a courtship. He’s actually coming to dinner tomorrow night.”

  ***

  Evangeline looked nervous as she carried items from the kitchen to the dining room. She refused to look at me, but that didn’t stop my eyes from following her.

  She was wearing a beautiful lavender dress, which was not her normal style. She’d wear skirts, but they were usually casual. She also had her hair styled into long curls. It was really hard to look away.

  Elle sat next to me and took my hand in hers. “Why am I jittery?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. You tell me.”

  “I’m nervous for her. It reminds me of when I first met you. I was so scared when Daddy took me to your house in Oklahoma that first time, but then I took one look at you, and I just knew.”

  I know the feeling. That’s how I felt when I first met your sister.

  Apparently, Evangeline and Callum had been talking for a while, but this was the first time that they’d be face to face. He’d be coming with his parents. I wanted to meet him about as much as I wanted a hole in the head.