Sins of Sevin

by Penelope Ward

  I took a sip of my beer and swallowed. “I’ll never forgive her.”

  “I’m not saying you should forget, but you need to ask God to help you forgive.”

  ***

  Two months had passed since she showed up at my door. Despite my vow to try to forget her, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about Evangeline or try to piece together what happened to her in the years we were apart.

  I was never the church going type. Growing up, church was simply an opportunity to get out of Lillian’s stagnant house or maybe meet some good girls to corrupt.

  The period after Elle’s death was the first time in my life that I’d used church as a place to meditate, to meet with God and channel his guidance on my inner struggles.

  Not wanting to deal with people from Sutton Provisions, I chose not to attend service at the main church in Dodge City. Instead, I went to the one in the next town over. That was where I met Nancy. She was a widow whose husband died in combat overseas, but she had no children. Nancy moved back home to Kansas to be closer to her parents and had been a shoulder to lean on for me lately given our similar situations. She’d meet me at service, sitting next to me and would sometimes drop meals off at my house during the week. Some evenings, she’d stay for a while, and we’d just talk. Nancy was there the day that Evangeline showed up at my door. Thankfully, she never pried about my strange reaction to my “sister in law.” While I was in no way ready for a relationship with someone, I had a feeling that Nancy wanted more with me and was just waiting in the wings for enough time to pass where it would be appropriate for me to start dating. I honestly didn’t know whether things with her would evolve into something. If she were truly looking for another husband, I needed to be careful not to get myself in over my head. For now, we were friends, and her presence was comforting.

  On that particular Sunday, Nancy and I were holding hands during a prayer when I noticed a family a few pews up from us. I couldn’t put my finger on where I knew the father from. When he turned around to hand the donation basket to the people in front of us, his face just seemed familiar to me. The family had four daughters, three of them with lighter hair and a little darker-haired girl at the end of the pew who was missing the bottom half of her left arm. It dawned on me that they probably had her sit on the leftmost corner so that she could use her right hand to hold her sister’s during the prayer. It made me think about the fact that everyone has their own unique challenges. This little girl’s struggle was a lot different than my internal ones, but nevertheless, we all came together on Sunday to seek guidance from the same power. Something about that realization gave me renewed strength, like I wasn’t alone in this crazy life.

  That afternoon, Nancy followed me home. It was just like any other lazy Sunday at first. We watched a movie together in the living room, but when it was finished, she disappeared into the bathroom off of my bedroom for almost fifteen minutes.

  I knocked on the door. “Everything okay in there?”

  “Yes. Everything is fine.”

  “Alright. Let me know if you need anything.”

  A few seconds later, the door creaked open. Nancy was standing there in a white lace bra and matching underwear.

  “What are you doing?” I snapped.

  “I thought maybe this would help.”

  I swallowed. She looked beautiful, but it didn’t feel right. “Help with what?”

  Dumbest question ever.

  “I know you feel guilty, like maybe I’m not ready or you’re not ready for this because of our situations, but I think it’s something we both need. I want to make you feel good, Sevin. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than that. I haven’t been touched in so long.”

  “Nancy, I ca—”

  Before I could get the words out, she leaned in and planted a long kiss on my lips. My body tensed. My cock stiffened, even though I was trying to fight the physical reaction. Having not been inside of a woman since Evangeline, of course my body was going to react. I just couldn’t handle anything else that might come along with taking that step with someone.

  Still, with each push of her tongue inside of my mouth, I felt weaker. A part of me wanted to drown my sorrows in Nancy, let her help me forget Evangeline even if for just a matter of minutes. When she started to undress me and took a condom out of her bra, I surrendered and closed my eyes. The sound of the wrapper crinkling prompted me to open them. After she sheathed me, everything happened so fast.

  While being inside her had felt good, it lacked intimacy and passion. It was just sex. We both came, and it was just enough to make me temporarily feel something other than numbness or anger. It reminded me of the kind of sex I’d had before Evangeline, the kind that was used as an escape. It felt good, but it wasn’t mindblowing.

  Nancy slept over for the first time that night. I couldn’t exactly tell her to go home after we’d had sex.

  In the morning over coffee, she startled me with a question. “Evangeline is your sister-in-law’s name, right?”

  My hand, which had been reaching for the coffee pot, froze in mid-air. “Why do you ask?”

  “You were saying her name in your sleep.”

  “I was?”

  “Yes. You were saying, ‘Evangeline, I’m so sorry. It’s only ever been you.’ And you kept apologizing.”

  In silence, I poured the coffee, trying to absorb what she’d just admitted. Taking a big gulp of the piping hot liquid I nearly burned my mouth before I said, “Well, that’s bizarre.”

  “I thought so, too.”

  Thankfully, Nancy dropped the subject soon after and eventually left the house shortly before I had to go into work.

  That entire day at the plant was spent obsessing over the fact that I’d been dreaming about Evangeline. So much effort was expended each day trying to forget her, but apparently I had no control over my weak subconscious mind. That really pissed me off.

  ***

  Knowing where she lived was a curse. I truly wished Addy never blurted it out. Even though I knew I couldn’t trust myself to be around Evangeline, curiosity was killing me. I wanted to see her but didn’t want her to see me.

  Evangeline was married. Married. Addy had left me with a bad feeling when she said she sensed Evangeline might be in some kind of trouble. It made me feel guilty for not checking in on things at least once. That was my official excuse as I headed down Route 54 toward Wichita. Borrowing my co-worker’s car, I needed to make sure my truck didn’t give me away.

  What the fuck are you doing, Sevin?

  Sweat was pouring off my forehead. Blasting the music, the vibration of the bass competed with my pounding heart. The Kansas night sky had transformed into a deep midnight blue. It was the kind of night made for parking in an open field and staring up at the stars—not stalking the married ex who devastated you.

  When I pulled up to the address on Great Road, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was a small white one-story house surrounded by junk. On the dried-up lawn out front were a couple of abandoned cars, a broken-down Winnebago, old lawnmowers and half-burned pieces of furniture. It looked like the epitome of trash.

  I sat parked across the street, unsure of what my next move would be. After about an hour, the front door opened, causing me to duck down into my seat.

  The lights of the departing truck lit up the street. I wasn’t certain whether Evangeline was inside but decided to follow it anyway.

  After a three-mile ride, it stopped in front of a black building. The passenger door opened, and her long raven hair was the first thing that caught my eye as she exited the truck.

  Evangeline.

  My heart was now hammering against my chest.

  She slammed the door, and the truck sped off. The jackass didn’t even wait for her to safely enter the building.

  If I thought my heart was pounding fast before, it nearly combusted when I got a look at the flashing neon sign out front: The Pink Lady Gentleman’s Club.

  No.

&n
bsp; God no, Evangeline.

  I tried my best to convince myself not to jump to conclusions. She could have simply worked the desk, waitressed or bartended. Just because she was walking into this dive didn’t mean she was one of the strippers for God’s sake.

  Techno music was pumping through the room as multi-colored lights illuminated the dark and gritty space. Smoke filled the air, and the smell of booze was pungent. Evangeline was nowhere in sight as I looked around with my black hood over my head.

  Taking a seat in the corner, I let out a deep breath as a blonde waitress approached my table. “What can I do you for, handsome?”

  “Give me the strongest drink you have. Please.”

  She returned with an unidentifiable amber-colored liquid that smelled medicinal.

  “Thanks.”

  “It’s my pleasure. Guys like you don’t walk in here every day. You should take that hood off. Show your gorgeous face and eyes. Let me know if you want a lap dance. The girls will be fighting over who gets to do it.”

  I breathed out a sigh of relief when she walked away. The last thing I needed was someone drawing any attention to me.

  A quick scan of the room revealed that Evangeline was still nowhere to be found. On the stage, two redheads with fake breasts were dancing together and rubbing up on each other. Their bodies were well-oiled as they grinded together. They exited the stage and were quickly replaced by a blonde with pigtails and a short skirt doing a schoolgirl routine to a Britney Spears song. Her tits were hanging completely bare out of her open collared shirt while she sucked on a rainbow-colored lollipop. I watched for a while before turning my attention away and getting lost in my own thoughts.

  The more time that passed, the more on edge my mood became. When the music suddenly stopped and the lighting changed, my full attention returned to the stage. My breath caught as a slow and sultry Amy Winehouse song began to play. It was a rendition of Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow.

  A spotlight landed on the mane of black hair cascading down her back.

  Fuck.

  My breathing became labored, and I sucked down my second shot.

  How the hell in God’s name had it come to this? How did she end up in this place?

  Her back was facing me. The entire routine was performed from the chair she was straddling. She’d cross her legs or flip them around slow and sensually with graceful precision. She was basically making love to that chair. I stood up in amazement, still far enough away that she wouldn’t have been able to see me.

  So many mixed emotions were running through me. Sadness, because I couldn’t understand why someone as bright as she was needed to exploit her body for money. Fear, because I worried about what else may have happened to have gotten her to this place. Anger at myself, because I cared so fucking much.

  Most troubling was the intense desire awakening in me. I was supposed to hate this person for ruining my life. Instead, I stood there captivated, enraptured, wishing desperately to be that chair under her. It was a stark reminder of the sexual power she’d always had over me. But this situation—being a mere spectator, unable to touch her—took it to a completely different level. I was hard as a rock.

  Equal parts disturbed and aroused, I continued to watch every movement of her body. Evangeline was wearing an open white dress shirt with a black bra underneath. When she took the shirt off, I swallowed hard because I knew what was coming. With her eyes closed, she gyrated her hips slowly as she unsnapped the back of her bra. It fell lazily to the floor. Those big, beautiful pear-shaped breasts that once belonged to me now hung freely for all the world to see. I looked around me for the first time. Almost all eyes in the room were planted on her, and then I felt sick to my stomach. Just sick. Sick that they were all watching her and even sicker for my body’s reaction to it.

  Exactly how far did Evangeline take things? I was still standing at my table when the waitress came back with another drink.

  I pointed to the stage. “How much for a lap dance with her later?”

  “Sienna? She doesn’t do lap dances, honey. Sorry. She’s one of the conservative ones. Probably why every guy that walks in this place wants her. But there are plenty of other girls that will do that…and more for you. I can bring you to the back room if you want?”

  Sienna.

  Fuck.

  She was using the name Sienna.

  “No. Thank you.” A sense of relief coursed through me, knowing that at least she’d set some boundaries. But why did she have to do this at all? And how the fuck could her so-called husband drop his own wife off to strip for other men?

  Downing the last shot in one gulp, I anticipated the song was about to finish. Before I knew it, she’d exited the stage. I didn’t understand why, but all of a sudden my emotional state felt so out of control. Confusion. Jealousy. Curiosity. Desire. Possession.

  Sadness.

  Pure sadness.

  The last five years might as well have been five minutes.

  I needed to see her.

  Walking over to the waitress, I made a rash decision. “I would like a private dance with Sienna.”

  “I told you, honey, she doesn’t do that.”

  “Tell her I’d be willing to pay ten-thousand dollars.”

  “You’re not serious.”

  “Would the money be going to her?”

  “All but ten percent.”

  “Taking my credit card out of my wallet, I said, “Run it.”

  I knew the amount had to be an offer that she couldn’t refuse. Seeing the squalor she lived amongst, I suspected she might be willing to consider my proposition.

  “I’ll be right back. I need to talk to her.”

  “Please don’t tell her my name.”

  “Don’t worry. We use upmost discretion here.”

  So much time passed that it became doubtful she was going to go for it. The waitress reappeared, and I stood up.

  “She’s agreed to it provided it’s just a lap dance you want, nothing more. There wouldn’t be any sex involved. I do have other girls who would be willing to do that for that kind of money.”

  “No. I told you. I just want a lap dance. It has to be Sienna.”

  “Let me verify your card.”

  My palms were sweaty as I waited for her to come back.

  She waved her hand. “Alright. Come right this way.” The woman led me down a dark hallway and into a dimly-lit room tinted with red light.

  The long wait was excruciating. Finally, the door slowly opened.

  Evangeline entered with her head down, black strands of hair covering her half-naked body. When she finally looked up at me, I took down my hood.

  Our eyes locked.

  Gasping, she covered her breasts and froze.

  CHAPTER 21

  EVANGELINE

  When Wilma walked into the dressing room and told me that there was a man who offered ten-thousand dollars for a lap dance, I couldn’t believe it. Who would pay that kind of money for something that didn’t involve sex? I asked her if he was a businessman-type, and she said he wasn’t. Just a younger guy in a black hoodie. She said he was gorgeous. That made it seem even more bizarre.

  At first, I had adamantly refused. I’d never given a lap dance before and swore I never would. I wouldn’t even take my panties off during my performances. The club allowed me to get away with my hard limits because the regular patrons seemed to love me. Just my dancing topless brought in a lot of repeat business.

  As the offer started to sink in, I thought about what that money could mean for me. Dean didn’t know about my secret bank account. I’d only bring home half of the tips I made. The rest was put away. When there was enough cash in it to stand on my own, my plan was to eventually leave Dean and go back to school, start a new life. I’d have to figure out how to leave him carefully, though. Somehow, it had to seem like it was his idea. I couldn’t just leave him on my own accord, because he would come after me. That ten-thousand dollars would give me a huge head start toward my
dream.

  So, I reluctantly agreed.

  I took my phone with me in case I needed to call for help. Wearing nothing but my black lace bra, underwear and stilettos, I was covered in goosebumps as I walked down the hall to the back room.

  I felt like a whore.

  After opening the door, I couldn’t bear to look at his face. The man had great stature from what I could see through the hair covering my eyes. His intoxicating cologne seemed oddly familiar. I finally looked up. When he took down his hood, my heart nearly stopped.

  Covering my chest, I lost my breath.

  Sevin’s voice gave me the chills. “Don’t hide. I want to see you.”

  I backed up against the door. “What are you doing?”

  “What are you doing?” he seethed.

  “Why did you come here? I thought you didn’t want to see me. Hated me.”

  “That’s how I should feel, isn’t it? That’s why this is so fucked up.”

  A wave of nausea hit me. Holding my stomach, I said, “I’m gonna be sick. This is a shock.”

  “Maybe I wanted to shock you the way you shocked me when you came back.”

  “Well, it worked. We’re even. Were you watching me out there, too?”

  “Yes. You put on quite a show.”

  “I can’t believe this.”

  He walked slowly toward me. “Come here.”

  Shaking my head, I said, “No.”

  “No? You already agreed to it.”

  “I don’t normally do this, Sevin.”

  “But apparently, you can be bought.”

  That was a low blow, but he was right. I felt like a cheap slut.

  “Tell me why you paid ten-thousand dollars to talk to me now after you turned me away at your house. Why?”

  “Because I didn’t pay to talk to you. I paid for you to sit on me.”