by Leslie Gould
After he explained what had happened, he asked for Ron’s advice.
“You should go back,” Ron said. “I’ll come over and stay with Joel until he wakes up. Then I’ll take him to my place.” Ron was in his late forties, married, kids out of the house. “We can figure out the rest tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” Charlie said. “I owe you.”
Ron chuckled. “I’m doing this for Joel, not you. We’ll get him through this.”
Charlie called Shani next and explained what was going on. She thought having Ron involved was a good idea. Charlie could hear her take a deep breath on the other end of the line. “Would you leave him a note and tell him to call me when he wakes up?”
“Will do,” Charlie said.
He showered and packed his bag while he waited for Ron. As soon as the chaplain arrived, Charlie headed out the door, but as he reached his truck his phone rang. Eve.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said. “Did you find him?”
After a quick update he said he was on his way.
“Drive carefully,” she said. “You have to be exhausted. I’ll be praying for you.”
“Denki.” It had been so long since he knew he was in someone’s prayers.
By the time he reached Lancaster County the roads were drying somewhat. When he reached the Lehman house, Eve hurried out carrying a basket. “We’ve been watching for you,” she said as he jumped down from the truck. “Don’t come in. The sooner you go see Shani and the baby the sooner you can get to Monika’s and to bed.”
She handed him the basket as Zane, dressed in an Amish shirt, pants, and suspenders, opened the passenger door and climbed into the truck.
“I made you sandwiches,” Eve said. “And Monika’s address is on the piece of paper.”
“Denki,” he said, wanting desperately to give her a hug.
She stepped away.
He climbed back into the truck. As he backed it around, Zane asked, “So what’s with you and Eve?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s like you’re in love or something.”
Charlie cringed.
“Lila thinks so too,” Zane said. “Her Dat hasn’t been happy with you for a long time. He’s just being nice right now because of the baby and the fire and everything.”
“Is that so?” Hopefully it was more than that.
Zane nodded.
“Well,” Charlie said, “I’ll take any kindness I can get from Tim Lehman.” As he turned onto the highway, he said, “Nice getup you have on.”
Zane looped his fingers through the suspenders. “Lucky for me, Daniel’s been growing too. It’s his newest pair of pants. Eve made them.”
“You gonna wear those to school on Monday?”
“Yep.” Zane grinned. “For the fashion statement of the year.” He brushed his long bangs back. “I should get a haircut first though.”
“Definitely,” Charlie said. “I can do it tonight. I’ll borrow a bowl from Monika.”
Zane laughed. Charlie would need to take him clothes shopping soon. Shani would need a few things too. He sighed. And so would Joel, although he needed a whole lot more than new clothes.
Fear gripped his chest, but then he remembered Eve was praying and he exhaled, relaxing his grip on the steering wheel as best he could.
30
Shani scooted up in her hospital bed as Zane, followed by Charlie, hurried into her room. It was obvious how exhausted they both were, but Zane grinned from ear to ear as he touched the top of the baby’s head. Shani eased the baby into Zane’s arms, and he sat on the edge of the bed, gazing down at his little brother.
Charlie stifled a yawn but then grinned at Shani and her two boys. Of course Joel was the one who got to sleep. Her patience was running thin. Charlie wouldn’t understand how badly Joel had let her down.
Maybe Joel was easing into being gone for good. First he’d stay at Charlie’s. Then maybe he’d go farther. He had Army buddies scattered all over the States. Someone would take him in and help him get on his feet.
After a half-hour visit, Zane started yawning too, and Shani sent them both off to Monika’s, thankful for her friend’s generosity. “Come back in the morning,” she said.
They all needed a good rest, but she slept fitfully. During the baby’s four a.m. feeding, she felt lonelier than she ever had in her entire life. She’d been twenty when Zane was born; Joel had been twenty-three. They were young, true, but so happy.
Tears slipped down her face as she burped the baby. Who would have thought her marriage would come to this? When her mother had left all those years ago, her father had seemed to take everything in stride. He’d been so matter of fact, telling Shani it had nothing to do with her, that both he and her mother loved her very much, that sometimes adults stopped getting along and it was better for everyone—including their children—for them not to live together. Then he’d had the foresight to send her to her grandparents to be loved and cared for, for a time of healing.
At first her mother had moved into an apartment in downtown Seattle with her new boyfriend, the neighbor man she’d left with. But a year later, they broke up and she moved to California. A few months later she remarried. By the time Shani was in high school she’d stopped going down to visit. Her mother did come for her wedding—and cried—but it was pretty obvious they weren’t tears of joy. Maybe they were tears of guilt. Or fear for Shani.
As Shani edged to the side of the hospital bed and lowered the baby back into his crib, she couldn’t stop the tears. Once Baby Boy Beck was settled, she scooted back down in the bed, positioning her head on the pillow and then wiping her face with the sheet.
She wouldn’t beg Joel to come back home. She’d already begged him to get help, over and over. If he didn’t care enough to make their marriage work, she wasn’t going to force him. She’d been doing everything herself anyway. The only difference was she wouldn’t have to put up with his moping around.
A couple hours later, just after she finished eating breakfast, her dad called. She’d left a message for him soon after getting to the hospital and had been surprised when he hadn’t gotten back to her right away. They agreed that since he already had a plane ticket to come out to Lancaster County in three weeks, long after the baby had been due, he’d just stick to that plan. He didn’t seem too worried about the house, just thankful that they were all okay and that it was insured.
She didn’t tell him Joel had fled to Philly, but before he hung up he said, “I regret not saying more last time I was out. I was worried about you, but I should have also told you I wished I would have handled things differently when your mother left.”
“How’s that, Dad?” He’d been so calm. She remembered him handling it perfectly.
“I was trying to be brave—for you. But I should have been honest. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through.”
Shani swallowed hard, peering into the crib at the baby.
“I wasn’t honest with your mother, either, and I think if I had been, she might have come home. Looking back, I think we could have worked things out.”
“But she left,” Shani said. With another man.
“She was depressed,” her father said. “At the time I didn’t understand. I thought she was purposeful about it. I didn’t consider that she was ill and that starting a relationship with someone else made her feel better, at least for a short time. Not that what she did wasn’t horrible—it was. It’s just that it took me a long time to acknowledge her pain.” He paused a moment and then said, “Give Joel more time. He’s been through a lot.”
She suppressed a sob.
Full of concern, her father asked, “Are you okay, honey?”
She told him then about Joel smoking and starting the fire. About him going to Philly without even holding the baby. “He’s a mess,” she said.
“He’ll get better,” her dad replied. “Give him time.”
Shani wanted to answer that she wasn’t so sure. Instead
she said, “I hope you’re right.”
Later that morning Charlie showed up at the hospital with a new infant car seat, along with a couple of changes of clothes for Zane. He’d also purchased a pair of sweats and some long-sleeved T-shirts for Shani and two granny nightgowns. “Everything’s pretty smoky back at the house,” he said. “I think it can all be cleaned, but it will take a while.”
Shani thanked him profusely. She didn’t know what she would’ve done without Charlie.
Zane dubbed his new brother Bub Belly—which he insisted was Pennsylvania Dutch for baby—and held him while the nurse discharged Shani. Then Charlie drove everyone to Monika’s house.
Shani didn’t want to ask Charlie if he’d heard from Joel since returning to Lancaster, not in front of Zane. Her son had gone through enough in the last two days without worrying that his parents’ marriage was in jeopardy. Then again, not having Joel around would eventually make him wonder anyway.
When Charlie stopped the truck as close to Monika’s back door as he could, the woman ran out, calling out a greeting, followed by Jenny. Monika opened the back door of the cab, unfastened the car seat, pulled it from the truck, and led the way up her back stairs and then into her kitchen, cooing at the baby as she walked. Windows along the east side filled the room with light and the pale yellow walls brightened it even more. Eve had said that Deacon King had been a construction contractor. He’d done a great job on his own home.
Monika placed the car seat on the counter. “What name have you chosen?”
“Bub Belly,” Zane said.
“What?” Jenny asked.
Zane reddened. “Isn’t that what you call a baby?”
“Oh,” Monika said. “You mean Boppli.”
Jenny laughed.
Monika smiled and said, “I like Bub Belly better than our word. As a nickname.” She turned toward Shani.
“Joel and I haven’t decided yet.”
“Then Bub Belly it is,” Monika said.
Shani smiled. She wasn’t big on nicknames, but they had to call him something other than Baby Boy Beck.
“I should get going,” Charlie said. He told them all good-bye, hugging each one, including Monika and the baby together. “I’ll tell Joel to call when I see him,” he said to Shani.
She bit her lip and then nodded. Charlie had retrieved her cell from the house that morning—and she guessed he’d gotten Joel’s too. He hadn’t called the day before, but she knew they needed to talk. She just wasn’t sure what she needed to say.
After Charlie left, Monika led her down the hall while Zane stayed in the kitchen with Jenny. The house was fairly new with hardwood floors, high ceilings, and wide molding. The bedroom had a double bed and a crib. Shani sank down on the bed. “I’m overwhelmed by your goodness,” she said to Monika.
“It’s not my goodness,” she replied. “It’s God’s. I just had the foresight to save the crib I had with the girls in hopes of having grandchildren sooner rather than later.” She smiled. “I’ll hold the baby while you get situated.”
“Thank you,” Shani said.
After settling Bub Belly in the crib, Shani lay down on the bed and fell into a deep sleep.
Joel finally called the next afternoon. “Hey,” he said, his voice raw. “Are you okay?”
Frustration flooded over her. “I’m fine,” she said, aware of the tension in her voice. “How are you?”
“I don’t blame you for being ticked.”
She didn’t respond.
“To answer your question,” he said, “I’m not doing that great—but you knew that. Charlie agrees. He sent me off to the chaplain’s house.”
Shani wanted to say something encouraging, but she couldn’t force the words.
“The chaplain—Ron—made an appointment for me to see a therapist, on Tuesday.”
“He got you into the VA that soon?” She couldn’t help the surprise in her voice.
“No. It’s a civilian counselor.” He sighed.
“And you’re going?”
“He’s making me.”
When she didn’t respond, he added, “You have every right to be mad, Shani. I could have lost all of you—and it would have been all my fault.”
“We need you, Joel,” she said, but her voice sounded hollow.
“Thanks,” he answered, but his word sounded insincere too. “I called the insurance company,” he said, changing the subject. “And then the cleaners. Next we need to get bids on the repairs.”
“Monika said Tim and Gideon cleaned out what they could and put up tarps. Eve said they’re putting a demolition group together to go over on Friday and then a building crew to go over on Saturday.”
Joel didn’t answer for a long moment. Finally he asked, “Why would Tim do that?”
“Apparently it’s the way they’re raised. To help.”
Joel whistled.
Frankly, she was surprised by Tim’s generosity too. “I guess he’s a good man deep down, even though he’s so intimidating,” Shani said. “So are you and Charlie doing all right?”
“Yeah,” Joel said. “I know he was just trying to help. He said he’d give the gun back when the therapist says it’s okay.” Then he said, “I should go.”
He hadn’t asked about the baby. Or Zane. They needed to talk—about naming the baby, about the future. But it didn’t seem to be the right time.
“Would you call me after the appointment with the counselor?”
“Sure,” he answered.
Shani hung up feeling wrung out. She was so used to taking care of everything, but here she was—staying in someone else’s home because hers was damaged by fire and smoke, dependent on people she barely knew, while her husband hid from his family. She swallowed hard, willing herself not to cry.
Monika hired a driver to take Zane to school while she took Jenny in the buggy. On Tuesday evening Joel called and said the appointment with the counselor had gone all right and he had another one in two days, adding that he’d stay in Philly for that, at least.
On Wednesday, Eve followed Monika home with Trudy after she dropped her nieces and nephews off at school. Eve spent most of her time holding Bub while Monika played with Trudy.
Eve asked about Joel and then Zane. The one person she didn’t ask about was Charlie. Finally Monika did, keeping her eyes on Eve as she asked. As Eve’s face reddened, Monika shook her head.
“What?” Eve asked.
“You can’t fool me, Eve Lehman,” Monika said. “I saw the way you were with him that day after the ice storm. No wonder you keep putting Gideon off.”
“I don’t know what—”
Monika interrupted her. “Don’t lie to me.”
The woman had Trudy sitting on the edge of the table in front of her. Shani shifted, wondering whether or not she should step in to help Eve.
Eve shook her head and finally said, “I didn’t mean to be deceptive.”
Monika just smiled, but Eve began to cry. “What am I going to do?”
“Now, now.” Monika stood, put Trudy on her hip, and put her arm around Eve’s shoulder. “You’ll get over Charlie. Gideon’s the right one for you. Like Deacon King was for me.”
Shani decided not to say anything, not in front of Monika, and Eve soon composed herself and Monika sat back down. Eve asked the older woman about the new quilt she was making. Not another word was said about Charlie or Gideon.
Mostly that week, Shani rested, fed the baby, and ate Monika’s good food. On Friday she asked if Gideon was okay with her staying at Monika’s.
“Of course he is,” she answered. “Why wouldn’t he be?”
“Tim wouldn’t be all right if I stayed at his house.”
Monika smiled. “Gideon wouldn’t either. They’re all worried about Eve—and your influence on her.”
“I haven’t encouraged her to leave the Amish faith,” Shani said. In fact, she’d warned Charlie away from Eve.
Monika nodded. “I believe you. And I also believe that Eve
will come through this—God’s testing her, that’s all. She’ll do the right thing this time.”
Shani didn’t want to discuss Eve’s love life with Monika, so she changed the subject. “Has Tim always been so on edge? Or is it just since Abra passed away?”
“Always,” Monika answered. “He’s dealing with his own—what do you call it? PTSD?”
Shani nodded. “Anything in particular?”
“Tim and Eve’s mother was a sweet woman, but their father was a tyrant. I think that’s why Eve rebelled like she did when she was a teenager—to show she couldn’t be controlled. Tim, on the other hand, became like his father—harsh and legalistic. Abra, God rest her soul, put up with a lot.”
Shani thought on that as she nursed the baby. Most people had some sort of sad story in their past. Joel certainly did. So did she.
Joel called on Thursday evening and said his counseling session had been hard. Then he said he wanted to go to drill on Saturday, just to see everyone. Shani said that would be fine. The truth was she felt more relaxed—even with a new baby—than she had since getting the call eight months ago that Joel had been injured. It was a relief not to be concerned about his day-to-day needs, and she was doing her best not to think too far into the future and worry about what it might hold.
Saturday morning, Monika loaded all of them into the buggy to go to the Lehmans’ place. Three months ago Shani would never have considered riding in a buggy, let alone with a newborn on a January morning. But the baby was swaddled, and wool blankets covered both of them. If anything, she was afraid he was going to get overheated. On the way there her cell phone rang. It was Joel.
“Hey,” he said. “I’m at drill with Charlie. It’s been good to see everyone. It hit me that it would be a good idea for me to see Karina and meet Samuel’s parents. Charlie said maybe you could call her . . .”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah . . .”
“Did you talk to the counselor about it?”
“I did. And about Johnny.”
Shani took a sharp breath, wondering at the connection between Joel’s brother and what had happened in Iraq. “Really?” She glanced at Zane, who sat in the back next to Jenny. He didn’t seem to be listening.