Nothing To Lose: A Lesbian Romance

by Clare Lydon

  That was the understatement of the year.

  ***

  Joy got in that night around 9pm, frazzled after never-ending meetings that hadn’t really needed her input. However, as the impartial referee at council meetings, she had to be there, it was all part of the job. But she didn’t think her mind had ever been as absent at a meeting as it had tonight. Not when everything she’d ever hoped for and dreamed about had fallen into her lap, but then she’d thrown it all away. She was stuck fast and she didn’t know how to change her situation.

  She was just shrugging off her coat when there was a knock at the door. She sighed — Joy really didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight about anything much. She just wanted to crawl into bed and pretend today hadn’t happened. Well, not all of today. Everything after 2pm. Everything that happened before she still remembered vividly, as did her body. Her body was still hyped and ultra-aware. She thought about not answering the door, but what if it was Scarlet?

  That thought made her grab the handle and yank the door open. When she saw Steve on the doorstep, her face fell. His short fair hair looked darker from where he’d got caught in the earlier rain.

  “Oh, it’s you.”

  Steve’s face fell at her greeting. “Lovely to see you, too,” he said. “Can I come in?”

  Joy stepped aside, on auto-pilot, as Steve stepped past her, wiping his feet on the mat. The rain had stopped and the forecast tomorrow was for less, but it was still a possibility.

  Joy followed Steve through to the kitchen, where he was already putting the kettle on.

  “To what do I owe this pleasure?” Joy’s voice was deadpan, telling Steve she didn’t think it was much of a pleasure at all.

  “I’ve got news.” He paused, looking nervous.

  Joy waited, folding her arms across her chest. She wasn’t in the mood for guessing games tonight.

  Steve cleared his throat. “I wanted you to hear it from me and nobody else,” he said, wincing. “Sharon and I are engaged,” he said eventually. And then he leaned back on her counter, waiting for a reply.

  “Engaged?” Joy hadn’t been expecting that. “You never said anything the other day when we were out buying bedside lamps.”

  Steve shrugged. “It wasn’t planned.” He paused. “She asked me, actually. I told her she might have waited till February 29th, but apparently, women ask men all the time these days.”

  Joy licked her lips. Even though that should be true, she was pretty sure it wasn’t: marriage between a man and a woman was still very much steeped in tradition. She briefly wondered who asked in lesbian relationships, but then put that thought to the back of her mind — it wasn’t something she was going to have to worry about any time soon, was it?

  Joy took over making the tea, while Steve sat down on a stool, looking dazed.

  “Well, congratulations, I guess.” Joy turned to Steve. “You are happy about it, I take it?”

  He looked down, before nodding almost imperceptibly.

  Joy was no detective, but she knew Steve well enough to know that didn’t count as enthusiasm.

  “I am. I mean, Sharon’s great. I just never thought I’d be getting married again. It almost feels like I’m being unfaithful to you, which I know is stupid. But that’s how it feels.”

  Joy shook her head and flicked the kettle off. Then she went to her fridge and pulled out two bottles of Heineken.

  “You want a beer instead of tea?”

  Steve nodded his head and took the offered bottle from Joy.

  Joy sighed. “We’re a right pair, you know that? You’re hesitating marrying someone else because of me, and I’m hesitating taking things further with Scarlet because of me. I’m the common denominator here. Maybe I should just leave town and let everyone else get on with their lives. It would make things a whole lot easier, wouldn’t it?”

  Steve frowned. “I don’t think that at all. And what’s going on with Scarlet?”

  Joy sighed again. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you, you’re my ex. Doesn’t that make me unfaithful, too?”

  Steve laughed. “And I shouldn’t really be coming round here telling you what I just did, but I have.” He paused. “We were always friends first and foremost, don’t forget that.”

  “I know.” Joy took a long swig from her beer, as if using it to fuel her next sentence. “Scarlet and I slept together last night.” She didn’t look at Steve, just in case he was wincing. But if he really wanted to be friends, he had to take the rough with the smooth.

  “So what’s the problem?”

  However, when Joy looked up, all she saw in her ex’s eyes was concern, so maybe she sold him short. There must have been a reason he was so easy to be married to for all those years, after all.

  “We’ve been invited to Scarlet’s friend’s wedding tomorrow and she wants to go as a couple. But I just don’t know if I’m ready to come out to the whole world: I only just met a woman I care about. Is it too much to want to keep it to myself for a little bit?”

  Steve laughed. “You slept with her last night, right?”

  Joy blushed, but nodded. Hell yeah, she slept with Scarlet. Although there really hadn’t been much sleeping involved.

  “This morning, too?”

  More blushing.

  “Then she asks to take you to her friend’s wedding as her date, and you tell her you don’t want to go with her? Did you just use her for sex?”

  “No! It’s not like that at all! I just… I’m not out to everyone else. I’m barely out to myself. Only you and Gran know.”

  “Not out to yourself? I hope you are; you ended our marriage because of it.” Steve shook his head, sighing. “And anyway, I think you might be surprised.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means you haven’t had a partner for two years. It means that people don’t really care who you’re with, so long as you’re happy. I’ve been asked about you before.”

  Joy stood there, her mouth hanging open. “Who’s asked about me?” People already knew she was a lesbian? This was news.

  Steve waved a hand, batting the question away. “That doesn’t matter. What matters here is you. And the other day, you told me that Scarlet could be important. She could be the one. Am I right?”

  Joy looked at the ground as she nodded this time.

  “So why are you dragging your heels? I don’t get it. You’re the only one standing in the way of your happiness.” Steve shook his head. “You life coaches are all the same: you can give it out, but you don’t like to listen.”

  A wry smile crossed Joy’s face: this was an argument they’d had many times in their married life. “Am I being stubborn?”

  “A little. Look at it from Scarlet’s point of view. You slept together, everything’s great, but then you rejected her. I can see how that would hurt, like you’re embarrassed to be with her.”

  “I’m not embarrassed! God, the last thing I am is embarrassed. She’s absolutely amazing, it’s me I’m doubting.” And it was true. She’d never been a proper lesbian before: not a full-time, in-a-proper-relationship lesbian. She’d only ever been a theoretical lesbian. What if she was no good at it? What then?

  Steve smiled. “But that’s not how it looks to her. To Scarlet, you slept together and then you pushed her away. You might have done it for your own reasons, but you still did it.” Steve took a swig of his beer and Joy did the same.

  “I fucked up, didn’t I?” She wouldn’t blame Scarlet if she hated her. This was a disaster.

  He smiled. “Kinda.” He took another swig of his beer. “What do you think about me and Sharon?”

  Joy saw the worry painted on Steve’s face. It wasn’t the face of a man who was thrilled to be getting married. “Is it what you want?”

  He paused. “I don’t know.”

  “If you’re not 100 per cent sure, then you can’t go through with it. It’s not fair to her.”

  Steve nodded. “I thought you might say that.” He drained
the rest of his beer in one. “And Scarlet?”

  Joy frowned. “What about her?”

  “Is she what you want?”

  Joy nodded. “One thousand per cent.” And there it was, just like that. She hadn’t known it until she’d had time to process, had time to think. And then it just slipped out of her mouth, the glittering truth.

  One thousand per cent. Joy was even breaking maths rules when it came to Scarlet.

  “Then I think you know what you need to do, too.”

  Joy exhaled, smiling broadly at Steve. No matter what, he had her back, she was sure of that.

  “And you’re going to be okay, when I tell everyone? I know it’s tough on you.”

  Steve shrugged. “Losing you was the tough part, not the reason — and I can take care of myself. Anybody badmouths you, they’ve got me to answer to.”

  Joy walked over to him and put her arms around his solid waist, placing her head against his chest. She’d always felt safe with Steve, always loved. That hadn’t changed. Sure, they’d had their share of tears and heartache when she’d first told him, but now they were back to where they’d begun. Friends. Where they always should have stayed.

  She looked up at him. “And are you going to be okay about Sharon?”

  He nodded. “I think, deep down, I kinda knew Sharon and I weren’t right. And when she proposed the other night, I didn’t know what to say. It was scary. I’ll remember that for next time, if I ever do it again. Sharon and I got together a little too soon. I might take some time on my own for a bit.”

  “That sounds like a good idea,” Joy said, kissing Steve on the cheek and pulling away from him.

  The sound of someone clearing their throat startled Joy, and when she looked over, Scarlet was standing in the doorway, a puzzled look on her face.

  “Scarlet,” Joy said, stepping back from Steve. Joy hadn’t heard her key in the door, and her heart began to leap around in her chest once more. Scarlet walking into a room made life exciting. Unpredictable, nervy and exciting.

  Steve looked from Scarlet, to Joy, then pulled himself upright. “Anyway, I should get going — thanks for the pep talk.”

  He walked out of the kitchen, giving Scarlet a sharp smile as he did. “See you round.”

  When the door slammed shut, Scarlet folded her arms across her chest.

  “I didn’t hear you come in,” Joy said, fiddling with her hair. Scarlet was still angry with her, she could tell that. Joy tried to focus on the 1,000 per cent feeling she’d just been talking to Steve about, but it seemed to have faded into the distance.

  She didn’t want Scarlet angry with her. She wanted Scarlet to love her.

  “Evidently.”

  Joy sighed. “Don’t be pissed off with him, it’s not his fault. He was actually just telling me I should go to the wedding with you. And I really want to, honestly I do. I just… it’s hard, that’s all.”

  Scarlet shook her head. “It’s only hard if you make it hard. I’m just asking you to come as my date. There’ll be plenty of other people there doing exactly the same thing. Laughing, dancing, drinking, smiling. That’s all you have to do. It’s no big deal.”

  Joy’s breath caught in her throat. She knew Scarlet was right. She knew Steve was right. But her voice had dried up again. And the brief moment of positivity she’d embraced? It’d just scuttled out the door with Steve.

  Joy wanted to tell Scarlet she’d come, that there was nothing she’d rather do tomorrow, that being her date to Eamonn and Steph’s wedding was all she’d ever really wanted. To be happy, be in a relationship that felt right.

  But when Joy opened her mouth, no sound came out. Nothing at all. And just like that, that moment ebbed away like a slow tide.

  “But I can see you don’t want to come with me, so I have to assume it’s for some other reason. Perhaps it’s Steve, perhaps it’s me; I’ve no idea because you won’t tell me.” Scarlet studied her shoes, and when she looked back up, her eyes were glistening. “I can’t believe this is happening tonight, not when this time last night was so very different.”

  Joy nodded, still silent.

  Scarlet’s face spelt disappointment. “Anyway, I’m going to bed, big day tomorrow.”

  And with that, she turned and left.

  Joy watched her go. She wanted to run after her and tell her she’d come, but her legs wouldn’t move.

  Somehow, Joy was in a prison of her own making.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Scarlet hadn’t slept well at all, not that she was surprised. She’d considered packing up and going to Eamonn’s house, but the night before his wedding, it didn’t seem to be the done thing. She’d considered calling Clark to come and get her — and while she had no doubt he would, she was a little old to be calling her brother to come and rescue her late at night.

  So in the end, Scarlet had just got into bed, waited for the knock on her door from Joy that never came, and had eventually fallen into a fitful sleep, wondering where she was going to live once this weekend was over.

  Because one thing was for sure, she couldn’t possibly stay here. And that thought made her sadder than she ever thought it was possible to feel. This week had brought excitement and life back to her world, but she knew from experience they could be fleeting. They were slipping from her grasp already.

  And because she hadn’t slept well, she was up late, grateful that Joy was either still asleep or out: she didn’t need histrionics today. Her plan was to get to Grasspoint to see what else Eamonn might need, then head over to the town hall. The timing might also mean she had to hang out at Grasspoint for a while, or maybe even head to the community hall for somewhere to be until it was time for the wedding. But she couldn’t stay here too long, it was too risky.

  Her home situation had become untenable.

  Twice in just over a week: quite an achievement.

  ***

  Grasspoint was a hive of activity when Scarlet arrived — and amazingly, the sun was shining.

  When Eamonn saw her, he did a double-take, then wolf-whistled.

  “Don’t you scrub up well!” he said, giving her the once over, and Scarlet had to admit she did. She had on a gold dress and black jacket, teamed with low black heels. She’d added a gold necklace and earrings, and employed make-up techniques stolen straight from Steph. All of which meant Scarlet had grudgingly admitted she looked okay this morning, despite her mood.

  “Thanks,” she replied. “Anything I can do to help?”

  Eamonn, still in jeans and a T-shirt, gave her a face. “In that outfit? I’d be scared to muck you up.”

  “I can do the non-dirty work.”

  He pointed a finger at her. “Flower-arranging? It’s not really my forté.”

  Scarlet laughed. “And you think it’s mine?”

  “You’ve got heels, doesn’t it come with the territory?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I won’t let Steph know you said that till after the ceremony.”

  “I think we can manage from here — it’s all nearly done and my family are all in there helping. I need to get home and change soon, time’s ticking on!”

  “It is.” Scarlet smiled at him. “See you at the town hall, then, Mr Nearly Married Man.”

  Eamonn stepped forward and gave her a brief hug. “See you there.”

  Eamonn turned to walk back into the function hall, and out of the corner of her eye, Scarlet saw Clementine waving from the lounge of the main building.

  She waved back, then the old lady began to beckon her over.

  Scarlet hesitated. She liked Clementine, but she didn’t really want to talk about her and Joy. Not after last night when Joy had made it clear she didn’t want to be with her. It was just about the last thing she wanted to talk about. But then again, she couldn’t be rude. Plus, she liked Clementine, admired her spirit. It was just a shame her granddaughter didn’t inherit it, too. A real, crying shame.

  So despite her better judgment, Scarlet walked over and opened the door, s
tepping inside and giving Clementine a hug. She kept her eyes on the old lady, not wanting to have to work the room. A quick hello, then she’d be off.

  “My, don’t you look a picture,” Clementine said, sweeping her eyes over Scarlet. “I hope my granddaughter knows what she’s doing. You think she does?”

  Scarlet smiled. That was the thing with old people: no messing around. They jumped straight to the point.

  “I think she’s doing what’s right for her.” Scarlet’s shoulders sagged as she spoke. “But it’s not right for me, and for what it’s worth, it’s not right for her either. She needs to stand up for herself, be who she really is, otherwise, she’s not truly living. I’m sad she doesn’t want to be the person she is, but what can I do?”

  Clementine nodded. “I understand,” she said. “And I told her that, too.”

  Scarlet’s ears pricked up. “She’s been here?” She was scouring the room, checking for signs of Joy, the scent of Joy. How she missed her already. She couldn’t fathom not being with her, and they’d only lasted 24 hours. But what a 24 hours they’d been. They’d contained every emotion under the sun, packaged up and ready to go.

  Clementine nodded again.

  “And I do want to be the person I am.”

  Scarlet’s eyes shot wide open and she whipped her shoulders back. That wasn’t Clementine’s voice. That was Joy’s voice, coming from behind her gran.

  Scarlet had been played, but she didn’t mind one bit.

  Within seconds Joy walked around to stand beside her grandmother, and two pairs of the same velvety blue eyes were staring back at Scarlet.

  “I’m sorry,” Joy said, biting her lip, barely able to look at Scarlet. “I know everything I said hurt you, but can we start again? I really want to. And if you’ll still have me, I’d love to be your date to the wedding.” Joy paused. “Be your girlfriend for the wedding.” Joy’s eyes searched Scarlet’s face. “It’s taken me so long to find you, and I don’t want to lose you so early. So I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me?”