Sugar Springs

by Kim Law

  Lee Ann’s gaze flicked questioningly over his face, and he wondered what she saw. He couldn’t tell her he’d actually said those words. No way could he let her know that.

  Seeming to accept the moment was over, she turned back to the pictures and shuttered her expression, no longer letting him see her vulnerability. No longer letting him see what mattered to her.

  “Though I fully believed her words, I had the hardest time accepting you wanted nothing to do with them.” A thin finger smoothed over the dark frame of the second picture. “Right around their first birthday I decided to try to find you. And I hated that. The last thing I wanted was to see you. But they were your kids. I just couldn’t believe you wouldn’t want to be a part of something so wonderful.”

  About that time he would’ve been getting his shit together and remembering that Lee Ann had always believed he had the ability to succeed. He’d spent the prior year working at the South Chicago clinic of the veterinarian who’d saved both him and the dog he’d had at the time. He’d saved him from living on the streets and his dog after a hit-and-run that occurred while they’d been somewhere he’d had no business being.

  “No doubt there wasn’t a lot of information out there on me.” Given the effort he’d gone to in order to stay off the radar, he would have been surprised to learn there had been.

  One shoulder lifted. “Nothing. It was pretty amazing. I figured there’d be a phone number or something, but I found nothing. It was as if you’d disappeared off the face of the earth.”

  “Nah, just Chicago. A guy can easily get lost there if he doesn’t want to be found.” And he didn’t. Even when he’d been able to afford a phone he hadn’t gotten one. Not until he’d started college.

  He’d been existing purely to take care of the dog he’d found while living on the streets. He’d lived in Doc Hutchinson’s apartment, gone to work, paid his rent and stayed as far out of trouble as he could get. Eight months of being on the street had taught him a lot about what he did and didn’t want out of life. He hadn’t had it all figured out yet, but he’d seen enough to know what he didn’t want.

  “Ah,” Lee Ann said, as if unsure what else to say. “Anyway, I couldn’t afford to hire anyone to search for you, so I let myself believe what she’d said to be the truth.”

  He deserved every bad thing she’d ever thought about him.

  She moved to the next picture and a sad smile flitted across her face. “They had a really bad case of the terrible twos. I was still living with Mom at the time and she ended up being a big help. Not only with the girls, but with keeping me sane as well. On their birthday, I believe I took close to forty pictures before I could get all three of us smiling together.”

  “So you had Reba’s help, then?” He looked around, needing to not look at the pictures of his kids for a minute. “Does she not live here now?”

  Guilt reached for him from every angle. For Lee Ann, for the girls. For the simple fact he’d had anything to do with bringing them into the world in the first place. He inhaled a long breath through his nose and tried to act as if he were interested in what she had to say instead of desperate to get away. He shouldn’t be there. He would only turn her world even more upside down.

  “She bought the smaller house next door when it went up for sale. I bought this one from her.”

  “Ah.” He nodded, but he didn’t know what he was agreeing to. His head was heavy, as if he were spinning too fast to hold it up. With his lunch rapidly rising, he turned toward the door, panic setting in. He stumbled toward it before pulling up short, sweat coating his skin. He couldn’t just walk out. His hands clenched. But he couldn’t stay.

  “I need a minute,” he muttered and pushed through the front door, letting it slam closed behind him.

  He made his way from Lee Ann’s front porch and up the sidewalk, taking in gulps of cool air until the burning inside his chest calmed to a low simmer. He had no idea what he was doing. He couldn’t be a father. Could he?

  He’d never once thought about what having kids might entail.

  When he reached his car, he stretched his arms across the top, flattening his palms against the cool metal.

  But what would happen if he didn’t try? He’d walk out on his kids before they even knew about him. That would make him no better than the woman who’d given birth to him. Or any of the homes he’d stayed in afterward. Not a one of his foster parents had been there for him, and he’d sworn to himself years ago that he would never be like them.

  He twisted around and stared at the school sitting like a giant behind the row of smaller houses. There had been cars and buses in the school lot as he’d driven by earlier while waiting for Lee Ann’s customer to leave. That was where the girls would be at this very moment, in school. Unaware that their father stood there stressing over the fact of their very existence and what he was going to do about it.

  He checked his watch, wondering how much time he had before school let out. One thirty. A breath burst from his lungs and he leaned over, his hands resting atop his knees. He had to figure out what to do.

  He closed his eyes, already pretty confident of the answer. It was the only thing he could do. He just didn’t know how.

  “Thirty minutes.” Lee Ann’s soft voice hit his ears.

  She bumped against his car as she settled beside him, and he opened his eyes a slit but remained bent over, so all he saw was her trim, jean-covered calves crossed at the ankles. Her pristine white tennis shoes made his mouth lift in a small smile in the middle of what he believed to be that panic attack he’d feared earlier. His gaze traveled up her legs to find her backside casually resting against his SUV. “What’s thirty minutes?”

  “When school lets out. They get out early today because of the holiday.”

  Christ. She had always been able to read his mind.

  The fact she’d looked for him about the same time he’d decided to make something of his life proved it. Whatever had connected them years ago hadn’t disappeared overnight. And what he’d known about her then was that she was as honest and straightforward as they came. She wouldn’t have made the decision to keep his children from him. This mess was Stephanie’s doing.

  He straightened, scrubbed both hands over his face and held in the growl he wanted to roar at the world. How had everything gotten so messed up?

  Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the folded paper he’d stuffed there earlier, and held out the check to her. “This doesn’t cover their first thirteen years, but it’s a start.”

  He knew by the way she reacted with a jolt that he’d caught her off guard.

  “I don’t need your—”

  “Take it,” he said, more gruffly than he’d meant. “I may not have known, but that doesn’t lessen my accountability.”

  She stood there for a good fifteen seconds staring at the check, as if taking his money would be akin to accepting charity she didn’t need. Finally, he took the choice out of her hands. He leaned down in front of her, stopping dead still to lock his gaze on hers, and tucked the slip of paper into the front pocket of her jeans. A small breath exhaled from between her lips to whisper across his. It smelled like mint.

  “I don’t need it.” Her words came out soft and he couldn’t help watching her lips form the words. Being this close to her made him think of things he shouldn’t.

  “You’re working two jobs, Lee,” he said. He lifted back up to her blue eyes. “You can use the money. Take it. Learn to relax a little.”

  “I’m perfectly fine, and I don’t need to relax.”

  He shot her a glare. “You should quit the diner, too. Believe it or not, it’ll keep running without you.”

  Her mouth thinned into a straight line at his last comment, and he almost laughed at the irony. She was still the same girl who liked to control everything, yet just like his life, everything was suddenly all kinds of out of control. He evilly hoped it was causing her as much anxiety as it was him.

  He went back to staring
at the school and ignored the look she was shooting him. She would either accept his check, or he’d go to the bank and deposit it for her. That would get the gossip going, but likely no more than it would when she took it to the bank herself. Either way, he would never be one of those men who didn’t step up to the plate when it was his turn. He’d participated in creating this mess, he would take care of it. And she would not stand in his way.

  After several more seconds of directed glaring, she finally crossed her arms over her chest and murmured a tight “Thanks.”

  The moment she accepted, the pressure in his chest began to let up. He leaned back against the door of his car and tried to relax. “Do they know anything about me?”

  “Not really,” she said. “The first time they asked, they were four and I simply explained they didn’t have a dad.”

  Cody felt his spine align even closer to the glass of the car window and waited, her words calming him more than the space and air could.

  She shrugged. “I couldn’t very well tell them you had better things to do than be around them.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “I know. And I probably should have tried again to find you. I did, actually, when they were three. I found a phone number for you in Indiana that time. But then I talked myself out of calling.”

  He studied her, picking up on the fact that there was something more she wasn’t saying. He didn’t push for it, though. Having privacy of your own thoughts was important to him.

  “I was comfortable by that time, so I let it slide. I hadn’t started my studio at that point, but I had a decent job at the casket factory outside of town. I was also semiregularly dating a nice man. I convinced myself I was doing the right thing.”

  Knowing she’d dated shouldn’t have bothered him. “How did you date with two small children?”

  “Mom is actually a terrific grandmother. She was made for spoiling kids, even though she wasn’t perfect at raising them.” She lifted her arms and rested her hands palms-up on the top of her head, elbows out, as she stared off into the distance. “She watched them a couple evenings a week and I dated. I wouldn’t bring him home to meet them, though, until I knew he might be around for good. Especially after they clearly wanted a man to be their daddy.”

  “And did you?” He tucked his fingers into the belt loops of his jeans and watched her. “Did you finally bring him home to meet them?”

  He almost missed the silent shake of her head as he eyed the jacket she’d donned before following him outside. With her hands positioned above her as they were, he could just about picture what her breasts would look like lifted and pressed to the pale pink shirt underneath. When he realized what he was doing, he jerked his gaze away. He’d walked back into her life bringing nothing but trouble. The least he could do was not add to it by ogling her. It wasn’t her fault he was more attracted to her today than he’d been fourteen years ago.

  “Any other suitors make it home to meet the family?”

  She turned her head and studied him for a minute, her face half-hidden by her raised arm, so that only one eye peeked out. “None ever made it through the front door of that house.”

  The relief he felt was wrong. He’d wanted her to find someone good enough for her. That was what he’d told himself for years after he’d left. She deserved the best. And he wasn’t it.

  “So what happened? Did the girls ever ask about me again?”

  “Occasionally.” Her hands lowered and she tilted her head back, staring up at the sky. “Each time I would tell them a little more, until one day I figured they were old enough to understand. I think they were about ten.”

  “You told them what Stephanie said?”

  “No.” She said the word quickly, and a sense of relief poured through him. No one should hear that her parent doesn’t want her. “I told them that you had chosen to let me raise them. That you felt I would do a better job than you.”

  “Ah,” he said. “And that was fine with them?”

  She chuckled. “Not exactly. They were pretty ticked. Couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to at least see them once in a while.” She shrugged. “I had no answers for them. Told them that maybe one day you’d change your mind.” She rolled to her side to face him. “But that I wouldn’t bet on it.”

  He shifted to match her position, facing her, and silently acknowledged that he could understand her point of view. She had told him once that her dad had left when she was four and had never come back. Why would she believe any differently? Especially when she believed he was no better than her father to begin with.

  She spent the next several minutes filling him in on his children. Sharing stories, telling him what they were like. It was almost as if she was talking about someone else’s kids, only...it wasn’t. With each milestone she mentioned, he felt his heart grow larger.

  How was it that two people you’d only briefly met could already mean so much to you?

  The smile that covered Lee Ann’s face as she talked told him something he found impossible to doubt. She loved those girls. Very much.

  “It’s my opinion they’re going to be fabulous women when they grow up.”

  “I’ve no doubt that’ll be because of you, Lee.” He reached out and stroked a finger down her cheek, the barriers between them seeming to melt just a little at his touch. “They couldn’t have a better mother as far as I’m concerned.”

  Her smile was small. “I’ve done what I can, but they need more. They need a dad.”

  His heart rate sped up. “I don’t know how, Lee. I’m afraid I’ll make it even worse.”

  She adjusted her position to lean her rear against the car and set her gaze back on the school. For the few minutes they’d faced each other, he had felt as comfortable with her as he did when they’d been teenagers. “The way I see it,” she said. “You have two options.”

  He agreed. “Either tell them or not.”

  “Yep.”

  “And you’re good with telling them if that’s what I want to do?”

  She eyed him. “Don’t you think they deserve to at least know who their father is, even if he doesn’t stick around?”

  The edge creeping around her gaze told him that telling them or not, she would have his balls if he hurt them. The funny thing was, he felt the same way. The last thing he wanted to do was cause them or Lee Ann any more pain than his actions already had.

  “And if I don’t want to tell them?” he asked. “If I’d rather finish out my contract and leave without them ever knowing who I am?”

  The mere idea caused a pain that weighed down everything about him, and his arms became almost too hard to lift. He didn’t know how this was going to pan out, but he knew he didn’t want them to never know him. He couldn’t imagine not getting to know them, too.

  Looks like, he had his answer.

  When he peeked at her, her jaw jutted out a bit more than it had, but she nodded. “If you don’t want to tell them, then I’ll stick by your wishes. They don’t need someone around who cares that little.”

  He nodded. The panic threatened to return at the mere thought of leaving town without getting to know his children. Might as well jump in with both feet.

  “Then let’s do it. Let’s tell them,” he urged. “Today. I don’t know how to be a dad, Lee, and I have no idea how to make this work after I leave, but I can’t just turn my back and walk away. Will they be okay if I’m not very good at this?”

  A soft chuckle came from her that relaxed him a hair. It also made him realize how much he’d been rattling. Apparently he talked more when he was nervous.

  “They’ll be great,” she said. “Especially Kendra.”

  “Why’s that?”

  She shrugged. “She loves animals. She’s said for seven or eight years now that she wants to be a veterinarian.”

  A strange pressure pushed out from the inside of his chest. She wanted to be like him? He gulped. He’d never thought about what it would be like to have someone fol
low in your footsteps.

  “Can we tell them when they get home today?” A flicker of red caught his attention, and he paused and looked around, trying to figure out what it had been. A set of red curtains in the house to their left shifted, and he narrowed his eyes. Were they being watched?

  And then he remembered. “You said your mother lives in the house right there?”

  “Mm-hmmm.”

  “Are you aware she’s been watching us?”

  “Do you remember Ms. Grayson who lives up there on the corner?” Lee Ann pointed across his body up the street to the small house whose porch railings were in serious need of some tender loving care. He didn’t make it back from his run each morning without bumping into the owner of the house. Avoiding the daily gossip she wanted to throw at him was becoming difficult.

  He glanced at Lee Ann. “Of course. What’s she got to do with your mother watching us? Don’t tell me your mother is one of her spies now?”

  Lee Ann shook her head, loving weariness filling her expression. “My mother, I do believe, is staging a coup. She’s in full-out overthrow mode of Ms. Grayson’s town gossip throne.”

  Her meaning registered immediately. “She’s probably been on the phone the entire time we’ve been standing here, swearing she can read our lips just so she’ll have something to spread.”

  Lee Ann laughed out loud and pushed off the car. He liked the sound of her laugh.

  “Come on,” she said.

  She reached back for him, and he slipped his hand into her warm palm out of long-ago habit. Her instant stiffness let him know she hadn’t realized what she’d done until it was too late. Yet she was too polite to pull away after making the initial gesture.

  He allowed himself a few seconds, enjoying the feel of her soft skin, but too soon dropped his hand and tucked it in his pocket. He’d do best not to touch her. “What’s so funny?”

  They strolled side by side to her house and settled in separate chairs on the front porch, almost as they used to do when they were kids, only then they both would have chosen the swing. “Mom recently went to the nearby community college to take a night course in lip reading.”